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Adult stepson wants to move back in again, what do we do?

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Mamma66 Tue 26-Oct-21 23:28:56

My husband has three sons and a daughter from his first marriage ranging from 28-34. We don’t see his daughter (her choice) but see the sons frequently. I have an excellent relationship with the oldest and youngest son and an okay relationship with the middle son. None really have a relationship with their Mother. For the first 9-10 years of our relationship we had one, two and sometimes three of the sons living with us and spent a mere three months on our own. The youngest finally moved out about two years ago.

We are on the last leg of renovating my family home. It has been an epic slog and after nearly 11 months we can finally see light at the end of the tunnel. Completely out of the blue the oldest of my husband’s sons rang me last night to ask if he can move back in. He also has his two sons every other weekend. We have suggested that we all get together over the weekend and talk it through properly and see what the options are.

I love my stepson, he is a lovely man, but I can’t help but feel a bit crestfallen to be honest. I am very tidy and neat. He is not. We have spent a fortune decorating the house and had such lovely plans of seeing our diminishing wider family and having get togethers but this will be impossible if my stepson moves in. Last time he lived with us we had to make very strong hints about him moving out after three and a half years. He is a great chap but neither of us were banking on this. I feel so torn. If it was a case if helping him out for two or three months that would be doable, but I don’t think that’s what he has in mind. I know we need to talk on Sunday and take it from there but I feel so torn. I want to help him, but I wasn’t expecting this… Am I desperately mean?

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Smileless2012 Thu 28-Oct-21 14:30:51

A very reasonable solution Mamma and I hope everything goes according to plan but I hope you and your H have talked about, and are prepared to play hard ball if he tries to extend the 12 week period. Good luck.

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JaneJudge Thu 28-Oct-21 16:42:10

I think your solution is a really good compromise Mamma66 smile

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biglouis Fri 29-Oct-21 01:28:23

I would have stuck pins in my eyes rather than moved back in withy my parents once I left home! Its somehow an admission of failure as an adult.

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Mamma66 Tue 02-Nov-21 05:47:01

I know what you’re saying Trisher and shelter is one thing, but last time my eldest stepson came to stay he was there for three and a half years! For the first nine years of our relationship we lived on our own for a mere three months in total and they weren’t kids. For the most part we had two adults living with us and often girlfriends too. When the youngest one was in his late teens and early twenties that is perfectly understandable, but two are now in their thirties and the youngest is not far off is thirtieth. We love to see the lads, and are happy to provide short term shelter if they need it, but I think it’s reasonable to want to live on our own now they are all full grown men with their own children. My extended family are ageing and live far and wide, we were rather hoping to see them regularly now we have the space. I love the lads and live that I have a good relationship with them, but we both were rather hoping that they wouldn’t keep bouncing back to us all the time.

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FarNorth Tue 02-Nov-21 06:38:37

Have you now all agreed on the 12 weeks, Mamma?

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Allsorts Tue 02-Nov-21 06:42:20

They move back and then won’t move out.It’s so much cheaper and they are free agents with more cash. Difficult one.

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Calendargirl Tue 02-Nov-21 06:43:31

Please let us know how it all works out, I think you sound very reasonable in what you are planning.

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