MIL asking for alone time

But the OP hasn't said her m.i.l. has demanded alone time, she said there hasn't been enough which is not the same thing.

I do wish people would actually post about what has been said and not what they think has been said. It's very annoying.

Bridgeit yes that stands out to me too.

that should have read saying her m.i.l. has said she has a right ....

I don't recall the OP saying her m.i.l. has a "right" to alone time but that she "hasn't been alone enough" with the GC. Big difference IMO.

First & foremost they are your children, I don’t think Grandparents have a ‘right to ‘have alone time’ how very strange to request this..
I do hope you can find a polite but firm way to communicate this this to her.
I would certainly have alarm bells ringing about herbbeing called ‘ Mummy’

A great post trisher which I completely agree with. It's not just what makes a GP happy, it's what makes a child happy too.

"If she is a good person she will listen"!! Since when was not listening an indication that someones not a good person? An overbearing, over enthusiastic GM isn't necessarily a bad person.

Communication requires all involved to listen. The OP's m.i.l. needs to listen to her and her son and they need to listen to her. That's how problems are resolved, not by simply giving a list of rules and expecting them to be obeyed.

Walktothepark I don't think you are being unfairly paranoid.

MIL is doing things that makes you uncomfortable.

If she wasn't taking your child out of your sight and calling herself "mummy" you wouldn't feel that way.

It's one thing to say "shall I take grandchild to the swings?" and another to just do it whenever she sees an opportunity. That's just weird.

My dad learnt a lesson about my autistic daughter the hard way when he visited. He said "we are just off to look for conkers and I said fine, but listen dad, she is not road safe despite her age. You need to watch her. He scoffed a bit and said "we we will be fine, stop worrying". We'll when they got home he said "you weren't exaggerating were you?" and that led to a conversation about my daughters autism, that she may be able to mask in safe environments but it is always there.

His attitude changed completely and he realised that I am not overly worrying, I just know my child best. As do you yours.

Your child means others must abide by your rules. That means no calling herself mummy and no wandering off without asking you.

Tell her exactly, that you aren't ready for "alone time" and these are the reasons why. She has lost your trust and she must build that trust back.

If she is a good person she will listen, she will follow the rules and things will get better over time. If she isn't, she will push back and become entitled and demanding.

Either way, you will enforce your boundaries and only change them when you feel comfortable so it doesn't matter which path she chooses, she will have chosen it.

Reading this I was reminded of when my dad took my eldest DS to the park while I stayed in with new baby and my mum. They didn't return for ages, when they eventually turned up my dad said he had asked my DS if he wanted to go home and he kept saying "No!" He was 3+and delighted to have a GP he could boss about.
I suppose I could have been upset and I was a bit worried about what had happened to them but honestly that relationship was so important in my childrens' lives, why would I deny them it?

We have very emotional responses to the things that happen to our children so what you have to do sometimes is look carefully at something and ask yourself if what is happening is harmful to them and if it isn't hold back. They will build relationships with their GPs that doesn't impinge on your role as Mummy. It does give great happiness to both the child and the GP and if the relatonship is established when they are small it can sometimes help them as they grow older. Perhaps at 3 your child is ready to do that and if you could allow a little more flexibility everyone would benefit.

Why are you "afraid of what she may say" to your children when you're not there? Apart from her referring to herself as 'mummy', and I'm not condoning this, has there been anything else Walktothepark?

I don't want to upset you but unless there have been other things that you haven't mentioned then yes, I do think you're being unfairly paranoid.

She hasn't left the park with your 3 year old or left the house, simply wandered into another room.

My advice is to not mention "handing (your)kids over" and if you're asked to do this be honest and say you're not ready to do that at the moment.

When your son needs his potty, ask her to take him. When the baby needs changing, ask her if she'd like to take care of it for you.

You don't have to give into her demands but by inviting her help and input, when you want it she'll feel included. Obviously I don't know her, but if you could see her desire to be involved as the natural response of a loving GM rather than an interfering m.i.l., it will make the relationship much easier and possibly enjoyable too.

Discuss this with your H, agree on what you're happy with and not happy with, both of you talk to his mum together, listen to what her 'expectations' are and if you can make some compromises.

I wish you well.

Thank you all so kindly for your replies and time here grans - I’ve been reading and rereading all of these replies. I’ve decided that a talk is definitely in order, I’m just struggling to find the right words. Any suggestions?

I don’t want to hand my kids over but I don’t want them to think I’m excluding them or don’t trust them. I also feel my mil competes with me for my kids attention so I’m afraid of what she may say to my kids when I am not there. Am I being unfairly paranoid?

I think the first thing to do is sit down with your DH, and discuss what your expectations are as parents, and why.

Being able to clearly articulate how you feel to each other will enable you to not only be on the same page, but also be better able to express to your in-laws how you feel and why.

From what you've said, it sounds like your MIL hasn't been respectful of previous boundaries. Sneaking off with your child, calling herself Mommy would be a big problem for me.

I would absolutely clutch if I looked around and didn't see my child at the park. Heck, I have and that's when they were with their much older sibling! I realized the LO was missing, THEN realized the older sib was gone as well. I then had to figure out if LO had taken off and the sib had gone to look for them, if older sib had spotted a friend and wandered off, not realizing LO was trailing along behind, or if they'd been together the whole time and therefore everyone was safe.

A simple, "Hey, I'm going to take LO over to the swings/slide/sandbox on the other side of the park, okay?" would save a lot of anxiety, and shows respect to the parent, imo.

I think OP before having this chat maybe have a wee think about what you’re comfortable with? You seem to be wanting to make things better, so are there things you’re willing to compromise on?

I’ll be honest, if the chat is simply to raise the concerns on MIL being overbearing and the weirdness of running away with your kid every time she sees them, then I’d expect defensiveness as a response. Maybe have some future plans and resolutions in mind going in?

How to phrase things depends on whether you’re willing to compromise or if you’re setting boundaries with her.

I can honestly see both sides here, I had crazy IL’s who had zero interest in me/DH until I had DD and then these people (sibs in law) who I’d met maybe 5/6 times over a 10 year period were expecting me to hand our new wee baby over for a weekend at a time. That was a boundary for me - I said no and became the wicked witch of the west.

That said because of the fall out of that I was a bit over sensitive when I then had DS 4 years later and my own mum had to have a chat with me about becoming isolated and distrustful of the extended family who had always been in my life, maintained good relationships etc - I was v v anxious and I do think the nonsense with my DD affected how I acted with DS. I found a happy medium I could live with, so that’s my advice to you OP - decide what you can live with and try and make that a reality.

I’m on the fence. I’m outgoing with a strong personality, but my MIL is/was extremely domineering and I was very young (in comparison to the average age of mothers now) so my MIL completely took over when my children were small.
I hated it. So I do empathise with some of these posters. I think it depends on the MILs, perhaps some of these posters wouldn’t mind the alone time with GP’s, but if their relationships with their mils are poor and they are overbearing that might the problem? With dils, and their own mother’s, they are able to be more direct if they aren’t happy with something, with your mil you have to be more careful with what you say, which is where I suspect these issues come from.
Being honest, I was a bit of pain of a mil for a time, (as other posters might remember ) but through some conversations with my son, I made changes that improved my relationship drastically, so as Smileless said, communication is key.

GagaJo

Agnurse, I've never met a GP that wanted their GC full-time as a 'do-over' baby. I'm sure they're out there, but they'll be a rarity.

I'm near enough my GCs second parent by default. But mum is mum and in charge. And that's completely fine by me. I'm too old to think about raising a child to adulthood.

But loving him, taking him out, showering him in affection? Absolutely.

GagaJo ... Absolutely agree! I'm more than happy to step-up for babysitting duties if needed, but I have no desire to specifically request 'alone time' with my GCs (at least not whilst they're so young). I don't understand why it is so important to some GPs, as long as they do get to enjoy time with their GC. I much prefer spending time with all the family together ... that way, I can just hand the GCs back when they (or I) become tired, fractious, or a bit of a handful!

agnurse, I am glad it is not you who has experienced difficult circumstances, and yes, from time to time, we all read about horror stories, but they tend to be in the minority. People don't generally post about what good family relationships they have, unless it's relevant to a particular post. So, it's the horror stories that tend to stick in people's minds. The rest of us just carry on with our normal family lives, and don't need to specifically post about them, as we don't need help or advice.

Wanted to just point out - it's not me who has parents/ILs who see their GC as "do-over babies". With the exception of FIL, my ILs are lovely and so are my parents. (MIL and FIL have been divorced for years; MIL has remarried. SFIL is also lovely.)

It's just that I have read many horror stories.

Agnurse, I've never met a GP that wanted their GC full-time as a 'do-over' baby. I'm sure they're out there, but they'll be a rarity.

I'm near enough my GCs second parent by default. But mum is mum and in charge. And that's completely fine by me. I'm too old to think about raising a child to adulthood.

But loving him, taking him out, showering him in affection? Absolutely.

As a GM and a GGM, I don't think there is anything to be done with my GC and GGC that can't be done with their parents attending. Alone time, grandparent experience- a palaver, really.

My own parents had in their heads that I would send my kids with them to their country house for the summer so I could work and join them during the weekend.

Apart from being a crazy idea:
1. My parents would retire so gc would spend the summers with them
2. They would buy the home in the country for this purpose only
3. They were doing us a favour babysitting them during the week
4. This grandparent fantasy was mentioned several times decades before I had kids

The "no, are you crazy?" was not well received and "but it is not fair! My friends do that, why cant we?"

Good grief CafeAuLait, talk about being given an inch and taking a mile.

The bottom line is that it is your choice how much time your MIL spends with your children but I do wonder why it matters to you so much that she wants that time with them. I actually love it when someone is invested emotionally with my child as long as it is in a positive way.
Being a grandparent is a learning curve for sure. I was a very relaxed parent (too relaxed so it later caused problems) and struggling to "control" all their relationships would have been too hard for me. I preferred to let things happen at my children's pace and only stepped in when things were likely to negatively impact them.
I definitely think that it would be wonderful if you could compromise on this issue a little by finding some precious time for MIL and child ensuring that when the little one gets older, she gives balanced attention. The more people your child has to engage with, the easier they will navigate life and if you ever have to spend time in hospital, they will feel comfortable with their Grandparents.

The grandparent experience sounds like a theme park ride.

@ QuoteCafeAuLait Oh my thats not a gp experience your MIL is trying to take over! good on you for standing your ground.

My experience of trying to give the GPs some space with their GC (when they were very young) was that:

1. I let MIL take the children to the park down the road. When lunch was ready I asked DH to go let them know it was ready so they could come back and have lunch. They were nowhere to be seen. MIL believes she gets to do whatever she wants with her GC so had taken them for a walk. I had no idea where my children were. An hour later they returned. The agreement was to take them to the park, not anywhere else.
2. MIL wanted to take the children for a walk. Sure. She took one child on a trike and let them ride way in front of them. These are road with hedges obscuring driveways. No-one will see a child on a bike zooming along the footpath. I saw this as putting them in danger as a car could have backed out and run them over.
3. MIL wanted to take baby to the garden. He had just woken and I was going to nurse him first. MIL wanted to take him now and saw me being in the way. MIL walked over and snatched baby out of my arms and stormed off with him to the garden and refused to give him back.

A MIL who decided that she could do what she wanted because she was gma and no DIL was going to get in her way. Let's just say, MIL never got any concessions after that.

I'm also guilty of not providing the expected gp experience and it earned us an estrangement.

"you can't tar all GP's with the same brush, as the saying goes, just because you've had a bad experience/relationship yourself" I agree Nansnet.

agnurse, with all due respect, I'm sorry you have had such bad experiences with in-laws/GPs, and it certainly sounds that what you and your DHs family have experienced is rather extreme ... an abusive FiL ... 'do-over babies' (whatever that means) ... GPs wanting their AC to split from their partners so they can move back in with them and raise the GC themselves. These are not normal GP/AC/GC relationships.

As I said in my previous post ... 'I do appreciate that there are, and always will be, some GPs who can be difficult, but I really do think that, thankfully, they are in the minority, and most GPs are gracious, loving and helpful, with their ACs and GCs best interests at heart'.

There will always be exceptions, but you can't tar all GPs with the same brush, as the saying goes, just because you've had a bad experience/relationship yourself.