MIL asking for alone time

this sounds familiar.
have you posted about this before.
even the GM running away with the child and expectations of alone time.
i've read about this recently.
or on MN ?

Me too wellbeck

Your child, your way. You don't owe them a particular grandparenting experience. They have had their time to decide how to parents their children, it's your time to decide how to parent yours. If you want to give them some time alone with your child, great. If you don't, also great. Your children are very young. Maybe you'll feel better about them having grandparent alone time when they get older?

This seems to be an unusually common problem lately. Wonder why....

In my opinion, having a grandchild or grandchildren is glorious. However, the only connection I have is because their parents want me to. I love that my youngest grandsons spend three afternoons a week after school with me. My daughter and I were quite careful to ensure that if they spent time with me when young pre-schoolers, they felt loved, secure and waiting for fun.

Chewbacca

This seems to be an unusually common problem lately. Wonder why....

Everyone starting to get back to normal life after lock downs? GPs deciding that time with the GC is something they want to start or get back to as a result, which brings up the issues?

My relationships with my grandmothers though different were very special. One taught me to knit, the other to use a sewing machine. One I spent 1-2-1 time, the other a parent always had to take me. Guess which one I was closer to.
I just want to offer my DGD something similar.

Chewbacca

This seems to be an unusually common problem lately. Wonder why....

Hhhmmmmm

Again? You set the rules - full stop!

I recall reading one where it was the FIL that kept running off/monopolising the gc. Personally, I love my gc but I have no wish to be anything other than that. I find some of the posts on these threads quite strange as gc seem to be the life of some posters.

This is yet another on similar lines, I was only reading one days ago.
What strikes me as odd is it always MiL wanting this and never M!
Are mothers different in some way, eg, perfect?

annsixty, there are threads where it's the mother. They do seem less common though.

I wonder if it's partly because the experience the daughter has with their GPs sets a precedent for how they expect to involve GPs in their child's life? One would think the mother would fit into that pattern better than a MIL who might have had a different expectation, as she might have done things differently? Just a theory, maybe wrong.

I never knew my GPs and that did affect my approach to how I involved GPs. By contrast, my MIL often had her children in the care of her own mother (no idea about the paternal GPs, never heard about them). We definitely had different expectations of the GP role.

My take on it being different with mothers is that it is easier to talk to your mother about different expectations, whereas it is more uncomfortable to raise things with a MIL.

We’re planning to all meet and talk openly to resolve the conflicts, so love any tips

Well that is a positive start rather than daft game playing and manoeuvering!

I suggest:
* ask what the issues are from MiLs perpective and really listen. Don't reply to each point, just listen carefully.
*when she has finished reflect her points back to her to ensure you have correctly understood each point and to ensure she feels heard
* respond by talking about what you want as parents, what your aims are for your children with their GPS. Explain that you understand what she has said/what she wants/how she feels and that within that * fit with what you want as parents because * and * do not because *. Be as specific as possible.

An example might be:
"We want to take * to the potty to ensure consistency for him/her. That is why I do it rather than asking you to do it!"

Then focus on things you feel happy for her to do ...does she like cooking or gardening or painting or something? Suggest that maybe she could take your 3 year old to do a bit of painting/gardening/biscuit cutting out or whatever! Point out this is a great way of building her relationship with her grandchildren, a darn sight better way than nappy changing!!

Overall stop thinking about what she wants, think about what you are happy for her to do within what YOU want for your children!!

We lived a long way from my grandparents and there was never any alone time with them. Similarly with my own children, we were two hours drive away, so contact was infrequent, but my daughter did stay with her grandparents on both sides, without us, a couple of times, when she was quite young. Likewise, I had my oldest granddaughter to stay with me on her own a few times.
We now live nearer and I have enjoyed times with each grandchild on their own, but all these occasions have been to help the parents out, not to meet my needs or demands.

It is entirely up to the parents to set boundaries, but grandparents can give parents a much needed break, and a lovely relationship can develop across the generations.

Perhaps you could have a think about what you WOULD like them to do? That might help, rather than just approaching them with a long list of things you don't want them to do.

Talk to your m.i.l. Walktothepart; communicate. As LovelyCuppa has suggested talk to her about what she can do, what you'd like her to do.

Discuss this with your H and talk to her together.

My m.i.l. was very hands on with our boys. She'd ask if she could baby sit and taken them out or have at her home for an hour or two.

If I was OK with that I said yes, if not I declined. She never said it was because she wanted 'alone time' but looking back I guess that was what it was.

It's no big deal IMO and I really don't understand why some are making such a fuss about this. Just say yes, when you're OK with it and no when you're not.

Your child, your rules, you choose when they see grandchildren, they call their grandparents what you want them to. Visits are agreed upon by both sides.
We moved away for the same reason as you, so far arrangements had to be made therefore no unexpected visits.
I had a stifling MIL whom I wanted to love and would have been but for her behaviour which she rued later on in life when she had no husband and needed family.
I was too young to set my own rules at first until one of mine had a nasty accident when she let them do something while I was out of the room I had always banned. They still carry the scars to this day.

Everything seems to be such a battle nowadays.

I started by thinking there wasn’t alone time for grandparents when my children were small but then when I thought back there was but it was just relaxed and happened.

My MIL would say “Off to feed the horses. Who wants to come?” or she’d be in the kitchen and they’d wander off to make dinner with her.

Or my parents would say ‘Shops anybody?” or Dad would be digging the garden and they’d go out there and poke in the mud.”

Some of the loveliest childhood snaps I’ve got are of child and grandparent engrossed in whatever they were doing together.

But then I’ve never felt the need to possess my children for myself. I always felt they were part of a wider family.

It worked well for two of them at least. Unless it’s unsafe, why not let your three year old wander of with Granny in the park? They might have a nice time?

I totally agree Peasblossom like you I "never felt the need to possess my children for myself. I always felt they were part of a wider family", because they are aren't they, or at least they should be.

Feeling they are part of a wider family might be harder for us DILs who were never part of a wider family. When all you've known is insular, it comes more naturally to follow that pattern.

I can understand that CafeAuLait which is communication is key.

which is why communication is key