MIL asking for alone time

I spend loads of alone time with my grandkids although it’s not called alone time it’s just me spending time with the grandkids. We don’t really discuss it or arrange it. It just happens. I love it the kids love it win win all round.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I think a lot of the time grandparents (especially grandmothers) who think “alone time” is the pinnacle of value are trying to “play mother” to the kids. At the end of the day, it is your children and YOUR choice to decide how they are raised. Grandparents are perfectly capable of bonding with and having a relationship with their young grandchildren without an expectation of “alone time,” and frankly I don’t need or want anyone else changing my baby’s diapers or feeding him when he is born and didn’t want that with my daughter either. If she’s not capable of respecting that that is simply not how you’re comfortable parenting, that’s her problem. She doesn’t “need” to be able to play mommy to your kids to be able to have a relationship with them.

Walktothepark I saw your original post and see that this thread is still running. I feel impelled to just say that you should listen to YOUR feelings, you're the mother and it's your right to parent as you see fit. Your mil sounds dreadful, so controlling, no boundaries. If you don't sort this relationship now, you will have years of her behaviour to deal with, it won't get better. Personally, I would hit the roof at her encouraging the children to call her mummy, it's not a mistake, she loves it. It's the tip of an iceberg, strikes me as creepy. On Mumsnet, they'd tell you to run!

Agree with Madgran

You are clearly not happy about leaving your child with her, I wouldnt be happy either in the circumstances you describe.

Are you approaching conversations with her in a "negotiation" way ...which will make her think that there is compromise/ movement towards her way of thinking potential?

Direct speaking is needed, making it clear as completely non negotiable!

1. " If you do not cover your cold sores and keep them covered until completely gone then you cannot cuddle/lift/ look after our child!" She argues, you repeat!

2. "I do not want our child confused and calling you Mum , you are his nanny! If you say the wrong word in error please correct yourself to our child. Please try to avoid the error! I will correct the error and remind our child too" She argues, you repeat

3. If you are dismissed..." Please do not dismiss what I am saying, it is important! If you do not ......" and repeat, repeat, repeat!

4. If offended "You appear offended by what I am requesting, that is not the intention. However I must make clear that ....." and repeat!!

Don't get into discussions/negotiations and state clearly what you observe (dismissed, offended etc), what you want and then stop. Respond by repeating the key points ...its called "broken record" and can be very useful when finding communicating hard.

Cold sores/herpes virus can be fatal to infants. I realize that your children are a bit older now, but it's mind boggling to me that someone could be so careless about it! Why would anyone risk a child having cold sores? A painful, life long thing?

You'd think that since she's had them since she was young, she'd be absolutely militant about preventing any one else from suffering from it, ESPECIALLY a child.

I only know how to be a mum learning how to be a grandma is quite a curve and as is the same as when I was a mum I have everyone and their neighbours telling me how not to do it

Time to be keeping your MIL at arm's length Walktothepark, she's taken no notice of your polite and reasonable requests so you and her son are going to have to be firmer. As for the cold sores.... that's just grim. If she had her family's well being at heart, she wouldn't even think of risking spreading the herpes virus around the family, let alone to a little child. Sorry, but you're going to have to start being more direct with her. She clearly doesn't "get" nice, polite and friendly.

By the sounds of it you will ha e to decide if you want to leave your children with her as she is because she isn't budging an inch.

The only thing I can think of to try is to say "MIL, I know you would love to look after little ones but I cannot say yes to this until they know to call you nan instead of mum". See if that makes her change.

Thanks so much grans for taking the time to reply to me here. It’s beyond appreciated to have your perspectives. I’m ready to have date nights with my husband as we’re out of lockdown but I’m feeling hesitant to leave my son and daughter with my mil. Yesterday my son actually called her mum several times and she doesn’t correct him, even though in the past we’ve had a fairly awkward confrontation about how I didn’t like other people calling themselves mummy (which she denied even though I had heard her several times) so she knows that being called mum is important to me. She also responds to my son when he says mum even when it’s directed at me. I’m not sure why my son calls her mum as he doesn’t do that with anyone else nor does he call fil dad… I responded to my son yesterday when he called “mum mum mum” but it was mil he wanted and he grabbed her hand to take her with him instead of me.

It’s become a sore issue so I didn’t say anything to mil, I just corrected my son. Mil tried to normalise it later by telling me she keeps forgetting everyone’s names but she is not at all a forgetful person.

My other hesitation is she gets coldsores and has been hard to explain that they’re contagious until they’re completely gone. My husband has explained to her that they’re still contagious and after asking her to put a coldsore patch to cover it more than once she eventually agreed (as she touches her face without realising, snuggles our kids and our baby and toddler might touch her face too while playing).

She seemed annoyed and kept telling me “I’ve had coldsores since I was little and this ones no longer contagious” despite our own doctor telling us otherwise. She’s the kind of person who would offer to share her chapstick with me so I’m not confident she understands how to prevent spreading it and she seems to be offended whenever I explain what our doctor said. She was rubbing chapstick with her finger onto the coldsore yesterday and would then go to touch my baby and I had to ask her to wash her hands… I think she thinks I’m nuts but I’d really appreciate her supporting what’s comfortable for me - otherwise how can I leave them for babysitting.

What do you think? I’m finding confronting her very awkward and anxiety inducing. I’m not very good with confrontation to be honest and my anxiety about it has me considering medication because I get too stressed about having to ask for what I want, especially when it comes to my in-laws as it is very hard to make requests (they are either offended, dismissive or they keep forgetting our requests so I have to become more assertive than I am comfortable with, especially as there’s a history of conflict and I’m hesitant to rock the boat).

Thanks for your time ladies

Thanks Smileless

Thanks icanhandthemback I thought your name was something to do with the best bit about being a GP! . I was just wondering how all the posts on this thread fit in with the often posted views of "Grandma's house Grandma's rules"? I can't see the OP actually agreeing with that. Perhaps the conversation between them all needs to include some discussion about how future contacts will go.

Trisha, you sound very balanced with your replies. I am completely with you. I have seen a lot of children who have been hampered by their parents being overly protected and if we are discussing a child's needs, they do actually need other people other than their parents. By 3 years old, when most children are starting to go to nurseries, being used to being without Mum for a short time is something which would help the transition.
I also run through a list of names before I get to the right one with my children and I have been known to slip with the Mummy or Daddy bit with my grandchildren. I spent nearly 25 years calling myself Mummy so it is easy to inadvertently slip back into that habit. Believe you me, I never actually want to be their Mummy, which is why I have my username!

A good post Madgran

I have just been catching up with this thread.

WalkinthePark I hope you have found some useful advice here to help you move forward.

I agree that conversations need to take place - between you and your husband, and then between both of you with MIL.

I also think that you need to consider carefully exactly:

* WHY certain aspects of what MIL does make you feel uncomfortable. Is this because of what SHE is doing or is it because of YOUR reaction to it?

That is not a criticism/blame question, it is just that sometimes it is worth really considering and analysing one's own reactions to events and being as honest as possible about the reasons for those reactions! There have been a number of sensible suggestions on here about alternative perspectives on some of the things your MIL has done and it is worth considering if there is any validity in those in relation to your MILs behaviours and your reactions/feelings

My own experience is that a lot of parents are grateful when someone else can change a nappy/take to the potty/run around the park with their young child. Consider:

*Is your child ok/happy/untroubled when your MIL changes him, wanders off to another room/chats with him/runs in park with him?
*Do you feel ok with others doing that with your child, or are you uncomfortable about anyone doing those things with your child?
*Is it just MIL doing them that you uncomfortable about?

IF it is just MIL then the issue is bigger than those actions isn't it? If is is anyone, then I think you need to consider WHY it is anyone!

I really hope you and your husband can have a constructive conversation and sort things out, reaching an understanding of everyone's perspective and a way to move forward that you are comfortable with.

As others have said, you and DH need to, first of all, have a discussion. Tell him what is making you feel so uncomfortable, and pressurised, and let him say whether he feels you are justified or not.

If he agrees with you, then he needs to present a united front with you. His first loyalty should be to you, if justified, regardless of whether it might upset his mother or not.

When you are both in agreement with the way forward, so that you feel more relaxed and happy with the relationship between her and your daughter, then have a JOINT calm talk with MIL.

She sounds overbearing, although that could just be the way you are seeing and portraying her. But, grandparents are the supporting act in a child’s life, not the star turn, and parent’s wishes come first.

So, no lists of rules, texts, emails or letters to do this, (or worse a generic print out from the net!), a calm voice conversation would be best.

Tell her how she’s making you feel, listen calmly to her response, and try to find a way forward. She may not know she’s upsetting you, but at least give her a chance to modify her behaviour. The “mummy” name thing is a complete no-no, in my view.

If it ends up in tears and tantrums from her, then still press on calmly.

Time alone with GC should evolve naturally - no demands or regular requests need to be made. My children adored my parents, they stayed with them, they holidayed with them, and that was fine. No one had any worries about boundaries. Same with my grandchildren, life just evolved, as time went on.

It really is best if these issues could be ironed out calmly, before it kicks off into a huge row - estrangement makes very few happy, and both sides end up losing. (Unless, of course, there are very good reasons for it.)

If she doesn’t, after a chat, respond to this, then I guess you will need to firm it up, and actually lay down the law a bit.

Your daughter is the child of you and your husband, and, in the end, you have the final say.

I think there is a difference between a family member wandering off in the house or the park with your child organically and it happening with enough regularity that it’s making a parent uncomfortable. Add to that a request or at least a conversation about wanting alone time with a toddler and it does become a bigger issue.
I completely understand that in a normal healthy extended family relationship that these things wouldn’t be a big deal, but this doesn’t appear to be the case with OP and her MIL.
Being overbearing or over enthusiastic doesn’t make anyone a bad person, it does however make the subject of their behaviour much less likely to want to be on the receiving end of it.
I do agree that if OP wants to proceed with this conversation it really should be a dialogue and not a prescriptive list of do’s and don’ts. Again I urge OP to come up with a scenario she is comfortable with, ultimately MIL seems to want to be a good Gran, but maybe mismatched expectations and resentment/lack of healthy communication is what is going on here.

That's really good advice "OneOfThoseDIL* hopefully they can have a chat and get things back on track

For goodness sake "not all GP's are safe for children" why? because this GM runs off in the park with her 3 year old GS while the mum is there? Because she wanders into another room? Because she likes to help with her GS's potty training and to change the baby's nappy?

TBH I don't see your m.i.l. as wanting 'the mummy role' Walkinthepark I see a GM who wants to to be involved with her GC and be a part of their lives.

I hope you'll see her that way too and do as I suggested earlier today. For your own sake, your H's (she's his mum), your children's and your m.i.l's sake, keep this in proportion, don't make mountains out of mole hills.

Don't see red flags where there aren't any and don't see an enthusiastic, perhaps overly so GM, as someone trying to be a mother to your children.

You say she thinks you are over protective. I'm not saying you are, but I can see why she may think so.

OP, you mention specifically about wording of the conversation.

I am sure I’ve posted before, but I would start with a chat with your partner about both of your expectations from the relationships going forward, limits/boundaries, and how you’re feeling, so you’re both communicating the same thing.

You can start and end the conversation with the theme of ‘anything we say isn’t with the intention of causing upset, but with the intention of us finding a way to move forward’ (or similar, whatever your aims really are) and also being positive about the fact that whoever is involved in the conversation is happy to sit and talk about needs discussing.

My recommendation would be to do a bit of research about ‘I’ statements, they’re really good at explaining how you feel without apportioning ‘blame’ to another person.

If this is (which I understand from your posts) a repeated request, I’d also recommend some reading about assertiveness and dealing with a ‘broken record’ - there are some excellent CBT resources out there which are useful.

You do not have to pass your child to anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason.

Whilst there is joy to be had in a healthy relationship with grandparents, there is also a good lesson to teach your children in not doing anything with someone that makes you feel uncomfortable.

I'm off to play fallout but, not all grandparents are safe for children. If OP has concerns, she needs to address them.

VioletSky

By calling themselves the wrong name?

Well possibly but then again, she seems to want the "mummy" role as described by the OP

But the child will always know who is mummy and won't get confused. Even if the GM wants the "mummy" role she can't have it can she? Even children cared for full time by a grandparent know their own parents.
What would be the very worst that will happen to the child- he might grow up thinking his GM is slightly loony!

Depends on the grandparent

trisher

As far as the calling "mummy" goes. I have been known to call GCs by DSs names and sometimes run through a list before I get the right one. My mum sometimes called her GGC her GCs. and did the same name mixing up. People sometimes slip up.

Ours sometimes even got called the name of our old dog