What would you think if you received this?

Smileless2012

As you say rafichagran she just wanted to look through the car window at her first GC.

I'm very surprised that a new born baby who'd undergone an emergency c section was allowed to be touched by anyone other than the nursing staff or the father.

My anger would have been directed at those in charge for allowing something like that to happen TBH.

Yes, so was I at the time.

I'm not alone however sadly

Smileless2012, true, not everyone is quick to estrange but many want their rules followed and want time alone bonding, enjoying their little family. Risky business to keep asking.

I’d be SO hurt. What a horribly worded message.
I can appreciate “their baby their rules” but the message is hard nosed, cold and unkind given it doesn’t take into account what they must know will be a Grandmas’ excitement.
I’d keep my feelings up my sleeve but in time I’d probably let them know how upset I was. Not straight away but when things are calmer & more relaxed.
What is the world coming to?

It sounds as if the gran to be doesn't like being told no. They may have figured that if they lay everything out this way there's no room for disagreement or negotiation.

Her mother not liking how the message was conveyed doesn't mean she can say the message is invalid or wasn't received.

In the daughter's position, there is no way I'd be stopping on the way home. I wouldn't be surprised if this turned into Grandma insisting on opening the car door, getting the baby out, and insisting they stay for a cuppa.

The baby is not a toy that they need to be shared. It's normal and healthy for them to be totally wrapped up in their coming baby - there is a substantial amount of psychological work that new parents need to do. If they have asked for no visitors for two weeks, that needs to be honoured. It's not up for negotiation.

I get the not stopping of as probably want to get baby home and settled into their home. But like others have said they need to understand your sister will have rules about babysitting etc .

Also think there is more to it ( sounds controlling) and their could have been a conversation.

I suppose some families overstep the boundaries of common sense and good manners. Such a pity that message was so badly phrased, and that they thought it necessary to send out.

We were surprised and delighted to be invited to the hospital a couple of hours after our first grandchild was born.

We looked after her when her brother was about to be born and had the instruction from my SIL 'Please bring her to the hospital and leave her so that we can bond as a family and I will phone you when you can come back'.

It was too far to go home so we went and cleaned their kitchen while we waited for the phone call and then went back to the hospital to meet our new grandson.

We are pretty straight talking so have not had any problems.

When my first GC was born 18 years ago we were invited to visit on the day they arrived home from hospital - but we would never have gone without that invitation. We were preparing to leave for home when my daughter said " Mum are you busy tonight?" Of course I said " No" she replied " would you be able to stay here tonight" So I borrowed some PJs and threw a duvet on their spare bed. I heard newborn cry in the early hours and listened while parents fed and changed their new infant. Just left them too it , but my daughter knew I was there if she needed support, of course she didn't! In the morning I was able to help with their breakfast , cuddle my GC before driving home. I think if AC know their Mum will not overstep the mark then their early days with a newborn will be a wonderful time.

I think it's that some of the phrasing is unfortunate rather than the note itself.

"Meeting baby girl rules". I can see why some think this is patronising. "Our plans for when baby is born" or "Our plans for postpartum time" would be so much better.

"Please respect that ..." would be better phrased as "We are planning some rest and quiet time after baby is born and have decided on no visitors (including family) for two weeks" - or something like that.

Presentation does make a difference. The need for 'rules' and request for respect do seem to suggest that the recipient needs managing. Of course, maybe they do.

I'll give them a pass. It's awkwardly phrased but they're just muddling through this as best they can, as we all had to do. Look past the phrasing and their wishes are clear.

More fool her I say. Wait til she’s sobbing on her knees with exhaustion and hormones. She’ll be happy to have her mum round then. All the gear and no idea.

Good grief why sobbing on her knees ? It’s one baby with two patents….

OMG some of these comments are harsh! Regardless of the wording of the daughters comments, she made it clear of what her wishes were and they should be respected. I dread to think what the daughters reaction would be on reading this thread about her! Ok theres no names but its obvious from the OP post who is being talked about!

Polarbear2

More fool her I say. Wait til she’s sobbing on her knees with exhaustion and hormones. She’ll be happy to have her mum round then. All the gear and no idea.

For goodness sake!
This is one of the unkindest posts I have read in a while. Empathy? Forget it! The poster seems to relish the idea that a new mum will be reduced to “sobbing on her knees” without Gran. “All the gear and no idea” - what is that about?
Many Grans live too far away , others may be in work, some sadly too unwell or no longer with us.
It’s not about the Gran
In my experience, most young mums cope perfectly well with their new baby and toddler or toddlers (and very often going back to work after maternity leave) and all the young fathers are totally “hands on” with their children these days.
It’s called parenting and the days of that being the sole responsibility of the female side of the family long gone along with clogs and shawls.
Fair enough , this “setting of boundaries” has been clumsily phrased but it should not be necessary, especially if grandparents were to respect their AC’s space and identity as parents.
That claim “but I’m your mum” should never have been necessary- as the new mum’s mother, she should have understood better than anybody that mum and baby and dad come first - it’s not all about her.

It's not really personal, it's more common for these sorts of lists to be sent out to friends and family before a birth.

I suggest looking past the awkward expression of some parts. Just look at the message. I was a young Mum once too and can imagine I would likely have not expressed myself as well as I could now too. Almost certainly.

The original question is What would you think if you received this?

Upon reflection perhaps the best thing to think would be

Dear oh dear, the young people trying to find their feet as they face the responsibility of becoming parents

and decide to gently comply with the rules that they have set out and quietly smile at the way they have expressed themselves using emoji.

I think that's the best way forward ElderlyPerson and very sensible..

It is fine. Bring your own flask of coffee and maybe offer the young couple a cup! They'll be exhausted.

I wish I'd been able to write a note like that after my first! My MIL was so over excited she kept passing out and falling over, and as my lovely other half didn't want to stress me he didn't say a word and was run ragged looking after us all ?

my daughter did the same my grandson was born at the beginning of covid , I just respected her decision and I'm glad she was able to feel comfortable enough to take charge, won't say it wasn't hard , but I think there is too much pressure on new mums , I only kiss my grandson on back of head now because of covid and he's 20 months now , we have a great bond too and I'm lucky enough to mind him 2 days a week whilst mum and dad work

I agree that it's their baby, their rules but the message is a bit cold to send to your mother - let's hope dd doesn't need her Mum's support anytime soon.

Wish I had been brave enough to do this sort of thing when my children were born….

It's not what you say but the way that you say it!. Too brusque. It could be softened plus maybe not sent it to Grandma. Just talk to Grandma on the phone, gently.

'There's nothing much wrong with their "rules" per se but there's plenty wrong with the patronising tone, silly hearts and the means of communication. That final black heart is telling.'

Totally agree

None of us know how the relationship between mother and daughter has been and, for all we know, this is daughter's first attempt to put some boundaries in place between her and her mother (especially now that she is about to become a parent herself). It may be that her husband thinks the mother is too intrusive, or that he is trying to put boundaries in place with his own parents and so the same rules have to apply both sides? Frankly, it's their baby and their rules (and as for "all this didn't apply years ago" we didn't have Covid years ago; the world has changed - we must too). Grandparents have to defer to parents - even their own children - and being allowed to visit grandchildren (even when they're newly arrived) is a privilege, it's not a right. I'm sorry that your sister's feeling are hurt but if she handles this correctly from the beginning, hopefully, things will start to "thaw" as the new parents gain in confidence.

Bet she's asking for help and support before 2 weeks! Also wonder is 2 weeks is when paternity leave ends