What would you think if you received this?

tickingbird

^Heartless? To express what she wants after a traumatic, exhausting medical procedure^

It’s what’s commonly known as giving birth dear. Millions do it every day. I’ve done it three times myself!

Yes, and?

It’s still trauma to your body and physically and emotionally exhausting. That’s assuming you have an easy uncomplicated labour.

tickingbird

^Heartless? To express what she wants after a traumatic, exhausting medical procedure^

It’s what’s commonly known as giving birth dear. Millions do it every day. I’ve done it three times myself!

5 times, nearly died twice, nearly lost a baby once. 1 forceps, one suction, 2 episiotimies, 2 tears and an emergency section. And I have big hips.

Babies were worth it, mother sitting on the edge of the sofa waiting for someone to make her tea and frowning at my unhoovered floor... not so much

Clarer

When my first child was born my own mum had already passed away. I’d have given anything for her to visit my baby as soon as she was born! My MIL was one of the first visitors at the hospital and it was lovely. My daughter was her first GC and the family made a real fuss of her and me. No one knows when our parents will be taken from us. I hope this very entitled young couple have lots of time with their parents and family…they seem to have it all very perfectly planned out

I hate this guilting so much

I’m sorry for your loss, but just because you want something doesn’t mean others should.

A new mum can die before a grandparent and the grandparents get much more time with the child than the mum did.

Anyone of us could die tomorrow. We all need to make the best choices for us. Not worry about what If someone else dies.

Heartless? To express what she wants after a traumatic, exhausting medical procedure

It’s what’s commonly known as giving birth dear. Millions do it every day. I’ve done it three times myself!

I think that the new parents wishes should be totally respected and adhered to. I am amazed at those who think some sort of "retaliatory action" like no babysitting or whatever, is the best way forward. That seems like a recipe for disaster to me!!

I also think that the method of communication with her mum was unfortunate and on the face of it hurtful. However without any background information about the relationship, one cannot know why that was done.

I think that the "But I am your Mum" comment could be an inability to listen/be told/accept preferences OR could be an instant, hurt, said without thinking response.

Either way, the only way forward seems to me to be to accept the requests and wait, saying that when it is acceptable it would be lovely to visit and meet the new member of the family.

Hope things work out for the family 2old4this

I can sort of agree with them,their baby their rules especially the not rushing round making tea/coffee biscuits as I recall feeling like a worn out tea urn when my son was born many years ago.
The hearts are a little patronising but in these days of covid,winter colds I’d go along with their “requests”

With my first, my mother was there with me the. entire. time. And she would not stop talking. All through labor. 3 hours of delivery. When I got home. Just kept talking

freedomfromthepast it can't have been funny but the way you tell it I'm laughing. Could you not have stuffed a nappy in her mouth?

Kryptonite

Heartless. Different if there's some particular medical need. Or perhaps mum is feeling mentally fragile, or something like that. Babies change so much even in 2 weeks. If everyone tests themselves before visiting, then no problem. Could wear masks too. This daughter could regret it one day if she goes through with it. Also seems so formal, in writing like this. Grandparents are not like other family and friends. A f2f conversation would have been better. Perhaps husband is insisting on it or other mums doing the same and influencing her. ?

Heartless? To express what she wants after a traumatic, exhausting medical procedure?

Wow. Some very selfish people here.

A grandparents can wait two weeks. Babies do not expire. They spend that time sleeping. It's the mother who needs time to heal. Nothing in that needs to involve anyone outside the immediate family.

She did tell her mother No. her mother did not accept the no.
Now she has it on writing to read back when she forgets.

My husband didn’t want to spend his short paternity leave passing his baby to relatives either

Everything is different now than it was back in the very olden days when we were new mothers!

Paternity leave hadn't been thought of, often fathers couldn't have time off work apart from a day or two (my DH couldn't) so mothers or mothers-in-law were welcome to come, stay, not to take over the childcare but to cook, do the washing etc.
I know that I was very grateful.

Fathers have paternity leave and are more hands-on with new babies now.

Clarer yes, new parents are entitled to make their own rules and choose when to see family after birth, that's the point.

How many grandparents would have the same attitude if instead of being in the hospital to give birth, it was an operation for kidney stones, appendicitis, etc?

When my first child was born my own mum had already passed away. I’d have given anything for her to visit my baby as soon as she was born! My MIL was one of the first visitors at the hospital and it was lovely. My daughter was her first GC and the family made a real fuss of her and me. No one knows when our parents will be taken from us. I hope this very entitled young couple have lots of time with their parents and family…they seem to have it all very perfectly planned out

With my first, my mother was there with me the. entire. time. And she would not stop talking. All through labor. 3 hours of delivery. When I got home. Just kept talking. And when my hormones crashed, like every mother experiences, she would not leave me alone to have a good cry for no good reason. She was up in my business for a week. It was actually really stressful.

My second came 2 weeks early. My mother was not due to fly in until closer to my due date. I am so thankful that I had that two weeks of peace with my baby.

This generation is doing things differently. They are hearing from others how nice it is to have that time as a family, especially with dads having paternity leave now. They want to bond without visitors. That does not make it wrong, it just makes it different than how past generations did it.

I am shocked by how many posters here say they would not visit at all or put up rules for visiting them in response to a new mother setting reasonable boundaries. Definitely a cut the nose off to spite the face scenario.

Heartless. Different if there's some particular medical need. Or perhaps mum is feeling mentally fragile, or something like that. Babies change so much even in 2 weeks. If everyone tests themselves before visiting, then no problem. Could wear masks too. This daughter could regret it one day if she goes through with it. Also seems so formal, in writing like this. Grandparents are not like other family and friends. A f2f conversation would have been better. Perhaps husband is insisting on it or other mums doing the same and influencing her. ?

I imagine the prospective parents have read a lot about what to do, setting boundaries etc. A bit similar to birth plans. A great idea, sometimes they go ahead smoothly, but often the real thing is soooo different to the anticipated sift lighting and music. Similarly plans to read War and Peace on maternity leave whilst contented baby gurgles quietly in the corner. The note is crass and clumsy, but maybe gran to be is too much sometimes and needs to learn to back off a bit, let the couple be in charge until they reach the stark reality, if they do, of just how exhausting a new baby is and how helpful a facilitating, as opposed to interfering, mother may be.

I’m so grateful to read the reasonable responses on here from people who, not only completely understand, but would respect the new parents’ wishes.

+ agnurse

Summerlove, vs, bibitty

❤

Bibbity

Exactly. Giving birth is an extremely vulnerable time for a mother. There is a huge amount of physical and psychological work she needs to do. Consequently there is no right or wrong.

Some women want to show their baby off right away, and are open to having frequent visitors, sometimes right after the baby is born. I'm sure there are several photos of my hands in existence from when I worked in a rural hospital. I'd be assessing and dressing the new baby and family members would be snapping pictures. Nothing wrong with that.

By contrast, some mothers would like to have some private time with just their partner and the new baby. Nothing wrong with that either.

I think what the gran to be needs to remember is that it's not about her. This is about the couple becoming parents for the first time. Two weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

I am laughing at these
"Well I would never visit/they'd have to beg for help/let them suffer posts"

And then people wonder why their children estrange and are distant ? this post is the Perfect example.

You think they'll change their minds? Even though a lot of young parents do similar now? The rules were sent that way because the mother didn't listen! She was Told No! She didn't accept the no! This makes the paper trail so there is no wiggle room or miscommunication.

This generation Have learnt that you build your own village.
So that nasty relative you would be tied to in years gone by is no longer needed. You can be free of them and focus on those who would gladly wait to meet the baby and has only your best interests at heart.

Summerlove

I’m not understanding why so many say they’d refuse a visit or babysitting down the line

Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

It’s not just new parents who are extra precious

Love is not supposed to be transactional is it.

Love is supposed to be supporting your children as they transition into being parents... Their way

I’m not understanding why so many say they’d refuse a visit or babysitting down the line

Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

It’s not just new parents who are extra precious

Mary59nana

I just would not bother going to visit at all.
Very rude listing rules for your mum or dad I'm sure they have the common sense to be sensible and have the new mums and baby's interest at heart.
I would feel absolutely gutted and upset

What you’re missing is that not all grandparents have common sense. Their perceived need for baby overrides all normal sensibilities

Well, after the way that email was worded, the baby's parents might find that they are desperate to show off their new baby (after the 2 weeks is up), but no one visits! I would never receive an email like that from my son, he has better manners and more respect - we were invited to wait at the hospital with the inlaws, when our lovely DIL went down to theatre for a planned c section; neither of them could wait to show off their newborn, which I know doesn't seem to be the norm these days). If however I received that email from a friend, I would be reluctant to visit at all, as it sounds like visitors are not really wanted or welcome.

Hithere

Maybe parents these days want to enjoy their baby, not just survive and put up with social and family expectations

Nobody knows how much time you have left on this earth

Also not look presentable, not worry about the state of the house and not have to make anyone a cup of tea with a billion stitches and the emotional range of a 2 year old