What would you think if you received this?

I’d be very very upset

I think the rules are probably ok if a bit OTT. However the way they are written is downright unfriendly and unkind. 'When you are invited over please don't expect us to make coffees etc. 'we will be exhausted'. (Too exhausted to make your parents a cup of coffee?). Obviously we couldn't know it's hard work, nobody's ever had a baby before. However they're making the whole thing much harder than it needs to be. Rules for everything, I feel sorry for the child.
There is a kind way you can do this and there is a bossy, we know everything and you know nothing way. This is the latter.

It sounds like the new parents are absolutely terrified! And there is so much info on the internet and books on the 'right' thing to do. And yes, in amongst covid with the very high numbers she is being very protective. Of course your friend will feel disappointed but tell her to just breath deeply and try to smile at the idea of a new little person to love coming into her world. It's only a short wait in the grand scheme of things. I was a bit excluded when my grandchild first arrived and I remember feeling a little sad but that passed very quickly. I think its quite common now for the parents to just want to be a threesome with the new baby for a while. The new parents will calm down and before she knows it she will be babysitting ....and probably feeling exhausted!! It would have been kinder to have the conversation in person but it seems the expectant mum is just not up to that right now.

My DHs younger daughter is having her baby by caesarean later this month, we don't know the date yet, a much longed for
IVF baby, I had already said to him that we should wait a couple of weeks before seeing them, as I thought she would be tired. She has now said that they want to quarantine for a couple of weeks after she comes out of hospital, her husband has a health condition which means that they have been very cautious during the pandemic. Its about a three hour journey to them, so we will stay locally for a few days.

My son and daughter in law's baby girl is due on Boxing Day and we have been told that we won't be seeing them over Christmas but my son phoned me and told me in a friendly way and I understood fully. Had I received a letter with silly hearts and a list of rules then yes I would have been very upset, there are kinder ways to get your point across especially to your Mother

I must say I LOL when I read this. Good for her though, it's rather sweet too. Important to note that she has sent this to everybody. You can smile secretly when she calls you a week in, "Mum, could you come a bit earlier haven't been sleeping much...."

That wouldn't bother me at all. I wish I had sent something like that to my mother in law!

Bet she's asking for help and support before 2 weeks! Also wonder is 2 weeks is when paternity leave ends

None of us know how the relationship between mother and daughter has been and, for all we know, this is daughter's first attempt to put some boundaries in place between her and her mother (especially now that she is about to become a parent herself). It may be that her husband thinks the mother is too intrusive, or that he is trying to put boundaries in place with his own parents and so the same rules have to apply both sides? Frankly, it's their baby and their rules (and as for "all this didn't apply years ago" we didn't have Covid years ago; the world has changed - we must too). Grandparents have to defer to parents - even their own children - and being allowed to visit grandchildren (even when they're newly arrived) is a privilege, it's not a right. I'm sorry that your sister's feeling are hurt but if she handles this correctly from the beginning, hopefully, things will start to "thaw" as the new parents gain in confidence.

'There's nothing much wrong with their "rules" per se but there's plenty wrong with the patronising tone, silly hearts and the means of communication. That final black heart is telling.'

Totally agree

It's not what you say but the way that you say it!. Too brusque. It could be softened plus maybe not sent it to Grandma. Just talk to Grandma on the phone, gently.

Wish I had been brave enough to do this sort of thing when my children were born….

I agree that it's their baby, their rules but the message is a bit cold to send to your mother - let's hope dd doesn't need her Mum's support anytime soon.

my daughter did the same my grandson was born at the beginning of covid , I just respected her decision and I'm glad she was able to feel comfortable enough to take charge, won't say it wasn't hard , but I think there is too much pressure on new mums , I only kiss my grandson on back of head now because of covid and he's 20 months now , we have a great bond too and I'm lucky enough to mind him 2 days a week whilst mum and dad work

I wish I'd been able to write a note like that after my first! My MIL was so over excited she kept passing out and falling over, and as my lovely other half didn't want to stress me he didn't say a word and was run ragged looking after us all ?

It is fine. Bring your own flask of coffee and maybe offer the young couple a cup! They'll be exhausted.

I think that's the best way forward ElderlyPerson and very sensible..

The original question is What would you think if you received this?

Upon reflection perhaps the best thing to think would be

Dear oh dear, the young people trying to find their feet as they face the responsibility of becoming parents

and decide to gently comply with the rules that they have set out and quietly smile at the way they have expressed themselves using emoji.

It's not really personal, it's more common for these sorts of lists to be sent out to friends and family before a birth.

I suggest looking past the awkward expression of some parts. Just look at the message. I was a young Mum once too and can imagine I would likely have not expressed myself as well as I could now too. Almost certainly.

Polarbear2

More fool her I say. Wait til she’s sobbing on her knees with exhaustion and hormones. She’ll be happy to have her mum round then. All the gear and no idea.

For goodness sake!
This is one of the unkindest posts I have read in a while. Empathy? Forget it! The poster seems to relish the idea that a new mum will be reduced to “sobbing on her knees” without Gran. “All the gear and no idea” - what is that about?
Many Grans live too far away , others may be in work, some sadly too unwell or no longer with us.
It’s not about the Gran
In my experience, most young mums cope perfectly well with their new baby and toddler or toddlers (and very often going back to work after maternity leave) and all the young fathers are totally “hands on” with their children these days.
It’s called parenting and the days of that being the sole responsibility of the female side of the family long gone along with clogs and shawls.
Fair enough , this “setting of boundaries” has been clumsily phrased but it should not be necessary, especially if grandparents were to respect their AC’s space and identity as parents.
That claim “but I’m your mum” should never have been necessary- as the new mum’s mother, she should have understood better than anybody that mum and baby and dad come first - it’s not all about her.

OMG some of these comments are harsh! Regardless of the wording of the daughters comments, she made it clear of what her wishes were and they should be respected. I dread to think what the daughters reaction would be on reading this thread about her! Ok theres no names but its obvious from the OP post who is being talked about!

Good grief why sobbing on her knees ? It’s one baby with two patents….

More fool her I say. Wait til she’s sobbing on her knees with exhaustion and hormones. She’ll be happy to have her mum round then. All the gear and no idea.

I think it's that some of the phrasing is unfortunate rather than the note itself.

"Meeting baby girl rules". I can see why some think this is patronising. "Our plans for when baby is born" or "Our plans for postpartum time" would be so much better.

"Please respect that ..." would be better phrased as "We are planning some rest and quiet time after baby is born and have decided on no visitors (including family) for two weeks" - or something like that.

Presentation does make a difference. The need for 'rules' and request for respect do seem to suggest that the recipient needs managing. Of course, maybe they do.

I'll give them a pass. It's awkwardly phrased but they're just muddling through this as best they can, as we all had to do. Look past the phrasing and their wishes are clear.

When my first GC was born 18 years ago we were invited to visit on the day they arrived home from hospital - but we would never have gone without that invitation. We were preparing to leave for home when my daughter said " Mum are you busy tonight?" Of course I said " No" she replied " would you be able to stay here tonight" So I borrowed some PJs and threw a duvet on their spare bed. I heard newborn cry in the early hours and listened while parents fed and changed their new infant. Just left them too it , but my daughter knew I was there if she needed support, of course she didn't! In the morning I was able to help with their breakfast , cuddle my GC before driving home. I think if AC know their Mum will not overstep the mark then their early days with a newborn will be a wonderful time.