What would you think if you received this?

The only thing that would bother me would be why they didn't feel able to talk to me face-to-face about this. Is it because the potential grandmother has already been over intrusive in their lives and they do not want a weepy emotional blackmail encounter, so choose to do it at a distance.

In our day we ( most of us ) had a week in hospital after the first birth. There were strict visiting hours. So I suppose it’s reasonable for new parents, who only have a very short time in the maternity unit, to want time alone with their baby.
Though there is no excuse for the curt, insensitive email, unless the person concerned always communicates in this way.
My DF drove from Northumberland to London overnight to see his first GS. He’d have been deeply upset to have been turned away.

With the limited information, we do not know if daughter has not talked to her mother before sending the email.

I'm currently pregnant, due soon and midwives are giving it to you Black and White. There's no inbetween.
They have to be I guess but it's scary.

Hospital isn't a very nice place to be, some hospitals are only letting the birthing partner in when they are in established labour, masks are to be warn at all times, even in labour.

The way it's worded is patronising. A phone call to parents would of been nice but if they knew some people would complain maybe it was the easiest way.
I dont blame them for not wanting to stop off from the hospital, they could be in a taxi or if he's been driving he would of been awake days and wanting to get home.

Not much your sister can do really but complaining to them won't help, it'll just cause an argument.

I appreciate that COVID has made a difference, but even before that, if MN is anything to go by, some new parents were still incredibly precious about anyone meeting the new baby. Personally I think it’s a great shame and unkind to stop even grandparents from coming for so long.

I’m so thankful that my dd was never into all these restrictions. We met and cuddled all 3 babies within hours of their arrival. And the only reason the other GPs didn’t do the same, was that they lived a 3 hour drive away.

Of course the sort of people who expect to be waited on, stay too long and don’t help, are a PITA, but this is where someone - preferably other than the new mother - needs to be very firm.

I don’t know about anybody else, but I was only too happy to show off my new babies to anyone interested, and dd has been the same.

Hithere

With the limited information, we do not know if daughter has not talked to her mother before sending the email.

Mmmm...could be she did try and it fell on deaf ears. So she’s taken to putting it in writing. They may be a family constantly bickering about something.

In any event, whatever the background, it’s always the parents choice.

Precious much? I don’t have daughters but if I did and received that I’d laugh and ask who they think they are?!

As for the final sentence? It’s amazing that mothers in the past, myself included, ever managed. Two of them there and over two weeks later they wouldn’t be able to make their mother a cup of tea/coffee? What self indulgent nonsense.

My first thought was that this is all totally reasonable, but for someone so close, it would have been better delivered personally, as part of a conversation.
However, I agree with those who say that the update gives us more context, and honestly (because we can be on here) I think your sister unreasonable.
If that is how she reacts when having a conversation, I am not surprised that a very clear email was sent.

I would have hated, as a new mum to have been required to call by someone's house - and neither my mum or MiL would have expected it. Your niece sensibly realises that she may be in discomfort, if not pain, with an unpredictable new baby; she doesn't want to add in a 'complication'.

We don't know, but now have a glimpse of the relationship. I suspect your niece is anxious not to be overwhelmed. I don't know, but I wonder if your sister hadn't pushed so hard, but graciously accepted the initial request, then she might not find the lines being drawn so firmly.

Because I'm a 'pleaser' I might have said 'OK' to calling in, then rung to say 'didn't call round, not feeling up to it'. However, I applaud your niece for being clear!

PS: What would your mother have expected of you and your sister - where you supposed to dance to her tune? I would have thought any woman who has given birth would realise that she want to get back to home comfort with her baby asap.

I totally get it especially with this covid situation, they may not have said it in a subtle way but take it in & give them some space, they need it, they only get this time once, grandparents you've had your time with your first baby so let them have theirs.
When I had my first child nobody asked, they just piled in all day every day without calling first and played pass the parcel with my baby waking him up from a nap so they could coo in his little face and bounce him up and down etc If I said anything my MIL would stand near the pram and fake cough loudly so he would stir and she would dive straight in and grab him out to play with like a dolly. I was expected to make teas, coffees and snacks all day long and then have it all to clean up when they'd finally gone home .It was exhausting and really spoiled my experience. If I went out, everyone wanted to push my pram never realising that I would actually like to do it myself sometimes! My MIL jumped in on all the firsts, first nappies, first teddy bear, first doll, first shoes etc she just wouldn't back off. She insisted on making cot and pram sheets but despite having both cot pram stored at her house, she made them too small and I had to go and buy some last minute,
Try and be more understanding of their needs it's their first baby, it's not all about you, so say ok & tell them you're ready to help with whatever they need help with and not to be afraid to ask.

GrannyLaine

There's nothing much wrong with their "rules" per se but there's plenty wrong with the patronising tone, silly hearts and the means of communication. That final black heart is telling.

My thoughts too.

Plus I think that the grandparents, as parents of the parents, deserve more than a generic email message. It might be another generation along before the new parents realize/understand this, though.

One of my own sons and his wife also wanted a little alone time with their first baby, but were able to communicate this in a much more sensitive way.

What complete and utter rubbish. I’d leave them to it. They’ll soon be in contact when they need something.

Well I’m not a gran but I hope I wouldn’t be so intrusive as to ask them to pop in on the way back from hospital. Back in the day when my son was born both GMs visited in hospital within a day but that was in hospital and these are different times. I suspect your sister’s rather needy sounding pleading raised a red flag. She does need to understand that they need their own time together with the baby and I hope she won’t be one of these GMs who are constantly inviting themselves, desperate to see what is after all someone else’s baby, not theirs. Nevertheless I think they could have communicated in a more personal way. I’m not criticising their rules but unfortunately if you take away the hearts it reads rather like a business email. Maybe they are young people trying to get their message across but not experienced in getting it quite right.

I just think there are far too many touchy grandmas around today ready to take offence at the most trivial thing and wanting to get far too involved with their grandchildren

Lets go back to the days when most people didn't have phones, couldn't afford to travel and relied on letters and telegrams.My sister was 18 months old before even her father saw her (wartime).

Neither set of grandparents saw my youngest sister until she was nearly 3 months old. We then lived 250 miles from them and none of us had cars and one off unplanned journeys were unaffordable - and my father was an army officer, so not poor.

I have found the best way to be close to grandchildren and their parents is to back off and let them make the running - and that applies from birth, if not before.

What’s with the black heart? I thought that denoted a child death?

One of my dc took this stance but for six weeks. I didn’t question it, their baby, their rules, but it was ironic that when ds phoned to tell us the news his first words after were ‘He’s so beautiful, I wish that you could see him!’ I held my tongue.
When their second was born, we were asked to go and help out.

When I gave birth to my first baby, mid eighties, I had a pregnancy book which came free with a pack.

Very simple and easy to follow. One paragraph I distinctly remember, is the one on ‘ Arriving home’. It advised new parents not to have visitors, but if you really had to...no making them cups of tea etc.

Of course, in those days, you were in hospital a week for your first, so any visitors got to see the baby there. By the time other babies came, you were hopefully on a roller.

highlanddreams

I totally get it especially with this covid situation, they may not have said it in a subtle way but take it in & give them some space, they need it, they only get this time once, grandparents you've had your time with your first baby so let them have theirs.
When I had my first child nobody asked, they just piled in all day every day without calling first and played pass the parcel with my baby waking him up from a nap so they could coo in his little face and bounce him up and down etc If I said anything my MIL would stand near the pram and fake cough loudly so he would stir and she would dive straight in and grab him out to play with like a dolly. I was expected to make teas, coffees and snacks all day long and then have it all to clean up when they'd finally gone home .It was exhausting and really spoiled my experience. If I went out, everyone wanted to push my pram never realising that I would actually like to do it myself sometimes! My MIL jumped in on all the firsts, first nappies, first teddy bear, first doll, first shoes etc she just wouldn't back off. She insisted on making cot and pram sheets but despite having both cot pram stored at her house, she made them too small and I had to go and buy some last minute,
Try and be more understanding of their needs it's their first baby, it's not all about you, so say ok & tell them you're ready to help with whatever they need help with and not to be afraid to ask.

This made me so sad...and angry, and testament to why grandparents really need to back off and stop harassing their grownup children.

Summerlove

2old4this

This is in fact my niece writing to her mother, my sister.
My sister spoke to daughter inviting them to stop off on the way back from hospital so that she could meet baby, she was told firmly no, they would not call in, despite my sisters house being en route home. Even if they just stopped the car so that my sister could have a peek. No. She then received this message, and sister phoned daughter again to say 'but I'm your mum......" only to be told that the other grandma didn't have a problem, the answer is still No! I'm deeply annoyed with my niece. The baby is due in 8 weeks

With this back story I now understand the email. (Though it’s not my preference). Your sister sounds unable to hear the word no.

I’m not sure why you are annoyed with your niece though. Sounds like she tried to explain and was hitting a brick wall.

I agree. From the update, it sounds as though OP's sister was told no over the phone (or in person) and had a hard time accepting it. I understand the need for a note now.

I would never ask a woman who just gave birth to stop by because "it's on the way home".

I do think the parents could accommodate the grandparents for a few hours after they go home, before hunkering down, but that is not what this couple have chosen to do for whatever reason.

I think I'd write a carefully and tactfully worded charter of my own.
Please don't wake me at a ridiculous hour because your baby has a rash.
Never, ever interrupt my nights out with complaints that your baby can't sleep.
If, (only after being invited) you feel tired, please don't fall asleep on my couch and expect me to take over the childcare.
Please do not spoil my carefully planned night of debauchery because you have an invitation to go out, and you need a babysitter.
Please always wash your hands after touching your child, as I do not like baby dribble on my paintwork.

As much as I miss our ES and only GC when I read things like this, I'm glad to be out of it.

grandMattie

I would certainly be taken aback, but… their baby their rules.

Perhaps a bit later, when they want babysitters, you could give them a taste of their own medicine by giving them a list of your needs and wants, saying that you are old and a cold etc., are dangerous for old people as their immune system no longer functions as well as when you were young?

GrandMattie

and GrannyLaine
There's nothing much wrong with their "rules" per se but there's plenty wrong with the patronising tone, silly hearts and the means of communication. That final black heart is telling.

I agree - nothing wrong with the rules especially with Covid around, but this is her mother and presumably her husband's mother too!. A phone call to all the prospective grandparents would have been much better.

MissAdventure

Like for like - and see how they like it!

Brilliant MissA

Absolutely fine especially in the current situation. I think your sister is setting herself up for a lot of conflict if she is like this before the birth! When you bring baby home for the first time you just want to get home!

It's sad, I think, when relationships are reduced to almost business transactions, with the children being the commodity.

Hithere you have misread the post - this is incorrect:

Asking a woman who just gave birth to stop on the way home from the hospital on your sister's home so she can see the baby - holy entitlement

The baby is not due for another eight weeks, they must have just gone for a checkup.
Not unreasonable to want them to pop in on their way past, surely?
All the daughter had to say if she didn't want to/couldn't was "Sorry, Mum, we're in a bit of a rush today and we'll see you soon, Covid permitting".