How would you handle derogatory comments made about your family?

biglouis ... On occasion, I will admit to having thoughts like that in my head, but I will try to refrain from speaking them out loud, in order to keep a more civil relationship with the 'in-laws', and not make things awkward between us all.

I am a great believer in calling people out on their bad behaviour and tactless remarks. Some people never learn and have to be constantly reminded and checked. Even then they never learn.

I have a whingy neighbour who has in the past made remarks about my garden and the outside of my house. My terse reply was "Its not any of your business is it?" Before walking abruptly away.

On the last occasion we had words I called her a "Whinging bitch" and told her to "fuck off".

If someone spoke to me like that I would be very wary of starting another such conversation. But she knocked at my door again a few days ago - I sat and watched her on the door camera getting more and more frustrated. She wanted to complain about something and was unable to. It made my day to frustrate her.

Well, it certainly seems that some people like to respond without having read properly the full context of my posts, and my responses to other posters.

Twograndchildren ... DS & DiL do not hear the comments, as we are not at their house. Had you read my previous posts you would be aware that we socialise with the other in-laws, without our DS & DiL. We have known them for many years, before our ACs were married, and had always had a good relationship with them.

LizziesMom ... Nowhere did I say we sit around talking about their financial status. And my DH & I most certainly do not gossip about them. As I said in my previous posts, it's the other in-laws who bring up the subject, and my DH & I do our best not to comment ... except for the last time (which was what prompted my OP}, when I was annoyed with the FiL, and I told him that everyone has different careers, different lives, and we don't all want the same things out of life. If that is gossiping, then it seems to have taken on a different meaning to what I've always understood it to mean. I totally agree with you that it isn't any business of ours, which is why DH & I would never bring the subject up. I have no idea where you get the fact from that we all sit around chatting about it, and giving our opinions. In fact, as far as DH & I are concerned, it is quite the opposite, as we try to avoid any discussions about them.

Hetty58 ... I already explained why we seem to spend more time with the other in-laws than most people probably do. We go back years before out ACs were married, already had a good social relationship, and it just continued. Obviously, the dynamics of our relationship has changed over the years.

You assume that we are invited at the same time ... I never said we were at our DS & DiL's house. I did explain that we have socialised without them for many years.

"Is this an attitude problem with you rather than him?" ... You'll have to be the judge of that, Hetty58, but based on the information I have given, I think not.

Again, thanks to everyone for your advice and suggestions, all of which are very much appreciated, and will be taken on board.

Well, this has certainly taken a turn.
I suppose I'd feel better in that the criticism is of the couple, rather than just your son.

I think it's reasonable to just limit the time you spend with them.

I'm wondering why you spend much time with your DIL's parents? I'm assuming that you are all invited at the same time? Why not have a word with your son about changing that?

I tend to invite my kids and grandkids here quite often, so I rarely meet the 'outlaws' except at parties, weddings etc. We get along well then and all have a laugh.

But then, I'm a confident soul, not easily offended (or looking to be, like so many on here - why is that?) I'd just assume that FIL was a bit of an idiot with his daft remarks, that's all.

How would I 'deal with it'? I'd probably crack a joke and dismiss it. I certainly wouldn't get angry. If anyone could ever make me feel bad, I wouldn't spend time with them.

Is this an attitude problem with you, rather than him?

Why are you all sitting around talking about your son and DILs financial status? Sounds like gossip and haven't you lot grown out of that by now? Wouldn't you be mortified to know if your dear family was sitting around gossiping about your finances? It's not a good look. Their finances really are none of your business and the fact you all just sit around chatting about it giving your opinions is enough for ne to give you some serious side eye. Best wishes for the future.

Money isn't everything in life but some people think that it is, so let them and keep a good relationship with your family on your terms. I would avoid the others as often as you can and if you do have to meet up with them get the money bit out of the way early on by stating that you realise they find the choices of your son and their daughter dismal but it is their choice and they've had their chances.

I feel you are not giving enough credit to your DS and DIL who obviously hear the comments too and are old enough to respond or ignore as they wish. I don't feel you have to speak on their behalf but I would try to visit when they are not there so you don't have to hear it. I think not wanting to be around them would send a better message, they could then think about rather than an argument. I hope this helps.

I would just say well that might be your views but not ours can we change the subject before we argue, we do have our opinions you know. Then talk about something else.

I agree with oopsadaisy ..you don't have to tolerate this nasty man ..he's embarrassing everyone by the sound of it..he's rude . I couldn't be that nice ..well done you and your hubby ..

Absolutely agree,the only way to do it

I agree that the best line of attack is often to back off but why shouldn’t you express your view of the matter just as they have. It’s not wrong to stand up for your friends and family if you really do agree, or indeed simply respect, their choices. Maybe the other party might then think twice about publicly making such seemingly judgemental statements.
On the other hand, it could be a case of engaging the mouth before the brain !

Why do you care what she says?
I’d be more worried if the silly little personage says it directly to his face and in front of her daughter. Bet she would know how to reply to her mother!

DiscoDancer1975

We personally don’t have relationships with any of the other sets of grandparents. Mostly because we don’t’ click’ really, and don’t see the point of pushing it just because our children happen to be married.

To be fair...three of the sets are not local, and if and when we do see them, it’s always very amicable, but that’s it. The fourth set are local. He is lovely...but the MIL makes my MIL, although dead now....look positively angelic!

If it were me, I would say that even though we’re connected through our children, I do not want to mix socially. Saves a lot of problems.

This.

Sounds like you do a brilliant job,go mentally armed with lots of subjects so you can go on a different track—— a lot of people don’t seem to realize the only thing in life is your and families good health,you can’t take money with you——can be very trying dealing with opinionated people.

I would not say anything that would cause difficulties between you and the in-laws, this would only upset you. However I would definitely see them as little as possible and only when you absolutely have to. Perhaps only see them at wider family gatherings and don't ever allow the conversation to be about your DS and DiL.

Nansnet

Baggs

Since I know my family to be beyond reproach and seeing as the derogatory remarks were pure snideness, I'd have a grumble to myself using words like "darn cheek!" and then let it wash over me.

Baggs... I wouldn't go as far as to say that my family are beyond reproach, but I will certainly take your advice on board ... probably something a lot a stronger than 'darn cheek', if you get my meaning, but it would certainly make me feel better!

I knew someone would pick up on that ?. What I mean more precisely is that, where essentials are concerned, my family members are beyond reproach. Everyone has faults but you can still live by good principles.

Anyway, good luck

That’s really hard. Just wondering how your DS and DIL feel about this? Do they have a preference about how they’d like you to respond?

At all costs keep your precious contact with your loved ones.x

Oh how this is so very familiar ☹️frankly unless you want to kiss goodbye to your family, because her side will actually win, it's time for some selective deafness!! You can 'not hear' lots of things, like derogatory comments/ enquiries about yourselves/questions about what your hols plans are/ basically anything else you fancy! Then You can ask the same questions yourselves and watch with amusement as they hopefully try to work out if you've gone doo lally? Have some ( private )fun! You and wonderful DH. Can have your in-sider fun at their expense whilst keeping the atmosphere toxins free! They deserve to be treated as the silly old nitwits they sound.....

Nansnet Your DIL's father sounds very much like my (late) FIL. He harboured ambitions of his son marrying the daughter of a local councillor, a wealthy family. When that relationship ended and he chose me instead FIL made it clear I was second best - not as attractive, not as socially acceptable, only working class (so was he!), didn't dress smartly enough, didn't have a penny to my name etc etc. To keep the peace I ignored his snide remarks, but when, on our wedding day, he criticised my wedding dress it was the last straw and I retaliated quietly but vehemently. He realised he had overstepped the mark and apologised, saying that he only wanted the best for his son and didn't want him to make a mistake. I told him I was not a 'mistake' and he'd just have to accept me for the person I was. We got on much better after that.

Too many parents have high expectations for their children rather than accepting them for the people they are and the lives and careers they choose to follow.

All we've ever wanted for our sons is their happiness in their relationships and careers, whatever they may be. Success and financial security would be a bonus but it doesn't happen for everyone, it doesn't make them a 'lesser' person.

Fortunately we have 3 lovely DILs and we're good friends with all their parents. We don't socialise frequently because of distance, but when we do get together we all get along very well and can all express our opinions (if necessary) without fear of offending.

I don't know what to suggest regarding your DIL's father, other than perhaps taking him quietly aside on his own and telling him how you feel about his remarks. It may not change him but he might think twice about being so outspoken in the future.

10 out of 10 for self control to you and your DH. Personal experience tells me it's wrong to get involved and say what you think when such crass remarks are made. Long may your patience continue, you're doing the right thing!

Thank you again, everyone, for your advice and suggestions. DH and I have discussed this at length over the past couple of days. Whilst we've had many good times with them over the years, perhaps it's time for us to gradually start seeing less of them, and on the occasions we do get together we will definitely steer clear of any discussions about our DS & DiL! We're also in agreement that he can sometimes be a bit of a p*#%*! Good to know that DH and I are on the same page!

Both of us have had extremely difficult family members to contend with. It really had a huge impact on both of us.
It has made us tolerant and diplomatic and very fearful of any confrontation or upsets.
You can't change people and life is too short for angst and hassle. Let it all wash over you.......

Nansnet - very well managed - I am completely with you in wanting to be sociable with the out-laws - it is all for the younger generations that we do this but if you're lucky you can find some joy in that relationship and if you can search for that and downplay the other not so rewarding aspect it might become easier for you. As the years go on they will gradually cease to comment on the financial situation - at least they're never approached to loan money and that might be something you could always keep up your sleeve if the time ever came when you felt you couldn't bite your lip any longer.