How would you handle derogatory comments made about your family?

It must be hurtful for you. Some family members can be unnecessarily critical about their relations and it is hard not to want to argue back to defend the latter. I try to ignore it by telling myself they love them really, and if the chips were down they would do anything to help underneath it all.

Personally can't stand people like that and fortunately don't know many. You are right to hold your tongue as arguments can escalate then cause unpleasantness for a long time and it would be awkward for your DS and DiL. The most I would say might be "We will just agree to differ on this point". At least you and your DH are on the same page.
When I was 17 (many years in the past!) before I was old enough to nurse I worked in Jenners (was a posh Edinburgh store) in the toy department. It was like "Are you Being Served". The regular assistants fawned over all the wealthy customers. I would serve the queue as their position in the queue so if a small boy had 50p to buy a present for his sister and he was first - I served him first before the impatient wealthy woman tutting. Have always felt like that!

I think I would try to limit the amount of time you socialise with them. Thy sound difficult to be around and I am not surprised it upsets you. Life is about more than money.

Personally I would stay away from them.

I don’t see that a harmonious relationship is necessary, you both see your son and daughter in law, plus the grandchildren, there is no reason you have to socialise with the outlaws.

Far healthier for you all to stay away from them than for you to meet them and end up falling out.

We never socialised with in-laws neither did our parents. Just the Christmas cards and sociable at family occasions, when they are all on their best behaviour.

My dil comes from a very privileged back ground, old money, lots of family houses, private schools the works.
She chose my son from a lower middle class/working class family. Her mother wasn’t thrilled and hoped she would end up marrying from someone in their circle.
However I can see their concern, they raised her to be bright and artistic with the view she wouldn’t be a ‘starving artist’ and would marry a judge or a investment banker and eventually two families wealth would combine.
Fortunately the mother has come round, adores my son and sees him as one of her own. I can see why she was worried though, I was worried until DIl bagged a very well paid job (and they are like hens teeth in the arts that means they are safe financially now ) I would try not to get cross and just see it as they had dreams and expectations for their children but they now have concerns for their financial future. Try not to let it rile you. They care for your child that’s all that matters, the dad is just voicing his concern.

What a difficult position to be in Nansnet. I think you have dealt with it admirably. You sound a very composed person and you put over your point calmly.

Do you and your DH discuss what these two are like and how to handle what they say? Then you can show a combined calm front. There’s nothing wrong with telling them just what you’ve written, that. “we need to keep a harmonious family relationship”. You may have already done this, but I’d be upfront and tell them how upset you are with what they say about your DS and DiL.

You say they are nice people but you will never change the way they are. I hope their nice side will encourage them not to be so opinionated.

Hopefully, they don’t visit very often. Good luck with them.

I don't usually hold my tongue Nansnet but this is one of the times when discretion is best. You are not going to change the parents now so move the conversation on and don't get involved. I think you are right to remind them about different lives, hopes and expectations etc. This is as far as I would go although I would be as annoyed as you are with their attitude. Hopefully you don't have to see them too often.

As you would never choose people like these as friends it would be best to see them as little as possible.
I rarely see my ACs in laws, although they are quite nice people. If they were such opinionated people I would avoid them.
Simmering away is bad for your health.

I think it's rather unfair that you and your husband are the ones who have to keep quiet in order to keep the peace!

I'm afraid I wouldn't tolerate snide remarks said more than once and would have to say something, nicely of course, but making it clear that their comments are unacceptable.

I think you handled it well Nansnet and in addition to saying that people have different lives, hopes and expectations I would add what a lovely couple they are, great parents and that you're proud of them.

You seem to be making some unjustified assumptions about your in- laws:
whilst they wouldn't admit it they seem to look down on others who aren't so well off,
I sometimes think they wished that their DD had married someone wealthy

I wonder why you were discussing their jobs and finances anyway. The father in law may feel that the couple are wasting their abilities in whatever careers they are pursuing; his opinion and he is talking about his son as well as your daughter. You are entitled to your opinion, but to go home in a state of simmering resentment over something so trivial seems ridiculous.
Let it go and avoid joint discussions about your children's jobs and finances; it really isn't your business.

Just smile, say people have different values and change the subject.

Keep it zipped. If it riles you both, cut back on the joint visits. When it happens in your presence make an excuse, go to the bathroom, check the car, whatever it takes to say nothing. Least said, soonest mended.

I never socialised much with my children’s in laws , I keep a polite distance.

Apologies. Got it the wrong way round, it is your son and their daughter.

I would never socialise with them outwith the 'essential' family occasions which include S, DiL & GC (?). Any derogatory comments would be met with a poignantly silent but meaningful quizzical eye contact. Have encountered peop!e like these more in business than family (thank goodness) but they can be cut down to size with polite consistency.

My ex-MIL had a killer line in situations like this.

She would just say “Well if you say so.” and change the subject.

Somehow it was an ultimate put down whilst seeming to agree and never failed to bring the topic to an end.

They were talking about their daughter as well as your son, so you might want to think about why you feel it was mostly directed at him rather than the both of them.
Did they actually single him out?

We personally don’t have relationships with any of the other sets of grandparents. Mostly because we don’t’ click’ really, and don’t see the point of pushing it just because our children happen to be married.

To be fair...three of the sets are not local, and if and when we do see them, it’s always very amicable, but that’s it. The fourth set are local. He is lovely...but the MIL makes my MIL, although dead now....look positively angelic!

If it were me, I would say that even though we’re connected through our children, I do not want to mix socially. Saves a lot of problems.

How about “well they seem happy enough” type of comment then change the subject. Don’t let them give you an inferiority complex. My dd married someone who isn’t as well educated or as well paid as her. Initially we had our doubts although we would never have said anything. We have found him to be a lovely chap though and he puts up with dd when she has impossible moments. He is kind, not unintelligent, loyal and helpful. We have 2 lovely gc. They seem to be happy together and have good friends and a lovely home. Grand mansions aren’t everything. And their dd chose your son.

Iwould avoid seeing too much of them. Or have a little joke between you and you dh that this guy is a pompous * and just look at each other and smile instead when he says something pompous.

I am with Urmston on this.
I frequently have to bite my tongue when my DiL makes derogatory comments about my DD. I could rise to it but choose not to as it stems from jealousy.

Keep quiet but limit the times you meet, if they did start on derogatory comments about my som I know I couldn’t resist saying “ he’s a great person, couldn't have a better son” and cut the visit short. That way leads to disharmony though, so I would definitely limit the visits and keep my distance from fil. He sound insecure to me with his boasting.

My SIL often makes derogatory remarks about our family, she thinks it’s funny. I think it stems from jealousy, as we had a mother that cared.

I would keep it zipped,too. They have the problem, not you and I would be having a few sneaky laughs about them when they are not around. They probably know no better.

As others have suggested. See them as little as possible and when you do see them, smile sweetly, talk about the weather etc. If the conversation moves on to anything potentially contentious, don't let it get to you, change the subject.
Good luck, they sound awful.