Have paternal grans always been less involved with their grandchildren than maternal grans?

Both my s-in-l and d-in-l don’t really get on with their parents so when my DD had her son she was always at our house with him likewise our DS prefers to be at our house to with his 3 which I really love and Sunday dinner for 10 quite regularly is the norm.

does it not have a lot to do with the ' you lose your son ,when he gets a wife, but a daughters for life' if the relationship is good, then a daughter is closer to her mum, more than MIL.
it seems obvious that the mum would be seen more and be closer.

It basically comes down to the relationship between DiL and her MiL.
If they are on good terms, there is no reason why the husband's parents will not be involved as much as her own.
There seems to be quite a few grandparents on here that seem to assume that they can treat their grandchildren as their own children as if they are a possession instead of seeing themselves as back up and support to parents as and when needed.

Yes it’s a woman thing at the end of the day. If the mother has a reasonably close relationship with her mother it is her she will turn to , not her husbands mother to whom she is often competitive. If you are the fathers mother you have to bide your time and jnderstand. My DIL even had her parents present at the birth and formerly told me I wasn’t invited! ‘sorry’ as if! I am a widow and they are my only grandchildren and I have felt sorry for myself at times but on the whole I am really pleased that her parents are fully involved.

I think it’s true in most cases.

LSadly, due to distance and Covid we haven’t met our new DGD and she’s 6 months old already.
We last saw our DGS (other son’s family) in 2017. I think even if we lived within a couple of miles of DGD, we wouldn’t have the same access to her as the other grandparents as DIL is very close to her mum and chats on the phone to her almost daily as well as regular visits and sleep overs.
DIL has been with DS for 13 years and she hasn’t once agreed to stay with us at Christmas as her mum would complain if she didn’t have her 2 adult children on Christmas Day and she won’t upset her mum. The ritual is that the two adult children visit her dad on Boxing Day since the parents got divorced.
DS has visited us on his own on previous Christmases (twice?).
Now they have a new baby, I can’t see him wanting to leave her at Christmas (and I wouldn’t want him to) so it looks like we won’t spend any Christmas with the grandchildren for the foreseeable. We have also invited the other son to visit but it’s looking unlikely especially with Covid numbers increasing.

We have busy lives and so do our adult kids and when you live a plane ride away, it’s never going to be easy. However, I’d rather they be happy and independent than need constant support from us so it’s not that bad really.

My daughter is going through this at the moment my little darling great grandson has just been born, my daughter is the paternal grandmother and the new mother only wants her mother there so my daughter feels pushed out.
I didn’t want anyone helping me I didn’t feel the need
I always secretly wanted a son, but at times like this I’m so pleased I had girls.

My son-in-laws mother only wants to see her son and not my daughter or the grandchildren.

You're so right on this one missAdventure- plus it depends on the gran too! I'm the paternal gran to my eldest sons kids obviously, but I'm his kids favourite nan, I'm also the favourite gran of 2 of my DD's kids- (& my D-in-L even calls me mum like my son) so you see, its largely down to personality & attitude, especially of the granny!You don't get to be their favourite one for nothing! ?

This has made me think about family dynamics.. 2 of my my paternal grandchildren have me and my partner (grumps), my ex husband and his next wife, they also have their maternal grandmother and her husband and finally, the 4th set of grandparents - maternal grandpa and his partner. Then there's 2 x GreatGMums and 2 x GreatGDads! On the paternal side and despite living a half an hour drive away, I have had the most contact and provided the most support for the family and as a result, have a very close relationship with my GC.

Yes a lot depends on how close D-in-L is to her own mum too i guess, and how close you and your son are- like was said, each family is different!

My situation seems to be diff to most .My son had a relationship with new gf.she never met us tho live nearby she became pregnant not having met us not showing signs of wanting to we did keep suggesting it. She didn't move in with my son at all as preferred being at her mum's she's 31 btw . When in Labour my son was able be there but her mum was there also and at the c section . Then top it all she returned to her mum's house after leaving hospital as wanted her mother . We hadn't seen our grandchild and she had to be badgered by my son to come back to his as we were visiting. My heart broke for my son he had his own house and was on paternity leave to help her after the birth .her first words were on coming to bring baby to his were. Oh I just wanted another week !! We were allowed to hold our grandson .And she has moved in over a year now. We don't get too involved as I am still feeling like the outsider tbh. My son was deprived of seeing his newborn child all that first week and even now she goes off to her.mum's to stay sometimes five days to a week anytime she feels the need. We back off because she will do what wants and take a the child with her we see him with my son and go to the park together but she stays home we are doting grandparents. And have two with my daughter and hubby who we see regularly. And love . Unfortunately we can't get involved with my sons two the same his previous relationship he had a boy.who is 10 now. He lives with his mother. So it's not always the grandparents fault. Things are done very differently nowadays. Being a old fashioned traditional parent. I expected to have a relationship with my sons gf.before children came along. We like her but her bond with her mother causes a lot of problems my son knows he can't compete any argument she runs to her mother. We tend to distance ourselves as seems the best way. Sadly.

Sadly, my MIL, with whom we were living, died 2 months before her first GC was born. I got on very well with her. My own parents lived too far away to have much involvement. Neither of us even had a phone or car.
My DS and DIL, in Australia, have an 18 month old. They have gone to great lengths to help me to connect with him. His Aussie GP live nearby, and are very 'hands-on' but have also done their best not to make me feel left out. He's their first GC, and I'm not the least bit jealous of their close relationship. I can't wait to get over there to see them all though.
It's impossible to generalise about family involvements with GC. It depends entirely on the people themselves, how well they get along and how much time and effort they want to put into the family dynamics.

Well, I suppose that poses the question of why your son had a baby with her?

Some Sils including 2 of my 3 are obsessed with “fairness.” One of them who’s a lovely man expects that visits etc are equal. My DD wanted us to go on holiday with them but the Sil said that wouldn’t be fair unless they could have a second holiday with his parents! My other Sil doesn’t want to spend too much time with us as he’s unable to see his mother. She lives abroad!

My DIL's Mum (Maminka) lives in Slovakia. So, as the paternal Nana, it's me who does the day to day taxiing, entertaining, babysitting, etc.
I love it but I'd love for Babka (DIL's Maminka) to be involved too. Sadly, geography prevents - and bloody Covid's not helped!

I am a paternal gran. When GS was born I was the GP who helped with care if baby and helping DIL/DS with household tasks. I visited for a week on a monthly basis for 6 months, travelling over 500 miles to get there. DIL and son appreciated help, giving them a break and allowing them to get out on their own. Maternal GM/GF visited rarely, living 10 mins drive away. They were interested but just not in babysitting.

I’m a paternal GP , I’ve always seen more of my GS, as we were happy to travel to see them (3.5 hours ) more than the others did. Now the relationship has ended DS has moved in with us temporarily so GS is with us 3-4 days a week as it’s split custody. I WFH so it’s caused a bit of confusion for GS as he always had my complete attention and now I have to work sometime he’s here.

It's a question for a sociologist to answer. I would guess (I could be wrong)that in old traditional rural families in Britain. the custom was patrilocal, but has switched to matrilocal when the father of the family was the sole earner, and the mother was a housewife.

Among working class families where both parents were out working my guess is that the woman earner was financially independent of her husband and naturally the daughter would gravitate towards the company of same sex parent.

There are many factors determining the levels of involvement of the GPs. My MiL saw my children more often because she lived nearer and was more pushy. My husband was never keen to visit my mum. She didn't drive and lived over 200 miles away so visiting us was difficult. If I'd been as difficult about seeing my in-laws as my husband was I would have felt mean even though I found them challenging. I regret not pushing harder for my mum's interests at the time, as my children didn't benefit from the relationship they could have had with her. Perhaps she was not pushy enough, while MiL was too pushy!

Now I'm a granny I'm trying very hard not to be too pushy or feel jealous of how much the other GPs see our GS compared to me. My DS and DiL seem to be very fair about things and I really like my DiL's parents and other family members and we're all in this together, so what's the point of comparing or competing. We all live at quite a distance from each other though I hope to move nearer at some point.

I only really knew one grandparent but I adored him. The other three either died before I was born or when I was too young to really remember. Children need the love of their grandparents for as long as they can. How often they see each other will determine the depth of relationship but they can still have loving relationships with less contact.

Lol think my daughter inlaw would disagree with you on this one. Her mum lives five mins away and hardly bothers her I live further away and I visit as often as I can and babysit so my son and his wife can have a night away and relax and daughter inlaw said she wishes her mum would make more effort like I do. My other daughter inlaw her mum is very hands on but when I visit there let me do my bit too. But every family is different and what we do works for us

I think most girls (young ladies) are going to be close to their mum and look to her for support not only when they’ve had children but in their lives generally. Well that’s the way it has been through the generations in our family. My daughter’s MIL never phones just to ask how the kids are,and only visits when specifically invited (Sunday lunch, bbq etc) even though my daughter has told her she’s welcome anytime. Yet she visits her own daughter and grandchild several times a week. I don’t have a son so I can’t say how involved I would be with children from a son. However I know that there are exceptions, as I have a friend who’s in laws are both golden and always helping with her kids (10 and 12 now) whilst her own mother rarely visits or phones. She said her mum was like that even when she and her siblings were small.

A lot of this comes down to geographical proximity. Our GCs were born in Scotland and grew up there very near to their paternal grandparents. DH and I lived in England, over 400 miles from them. The paternal grandparents were therefore a more significant presence in their lives. DH and I are sad to have missed out on close grandparenting but we had no choice in this as DH's job determined where we lived. Now our GCs are independent young people and their memories of grandparenting inevitably revolve around their paternal grandparents, sadly no longer alive. Things were different "in the old days" when families lived close to each other in one area all their lives. "Competitive grandparenting" had yet to become a thing.

When our only child and son married the only daughter and child , in Germany, we were side lined and every time we suggested helping we were met with “ that is not necessary” l knew the ditty of marriage but l was very low when confronted with the reality - not that l said anything. Fast forward 5 years and said did and son live about 1 hour away and expecting. I am a retired health visitor and midwife so can you imagine what pressure that might put have on dil. She was a junior doctor with obstetrics as her last rotation before maternity leave and no other experience of children. We are not close but she always includes us. Covit happening, for me, was wonderful because l am sure she would not have asked me to help . We were privileged to “ bubble “ with them and as she had the delivery from hell with 4 hospital admissions after, asked for help, when she needed it. Her parents were stuck in Germany and could only communicate via zoom. Being useful has changed our relationship and she actually asks my opinion now on occasions . I love newborns and babies so l felt confident and at the end of the day l used to say to her if there was one way to bring up a baby faultlessly , l would have written the book, and would have retired early and very rich. Neither of us would have had to work again.
Now that her parents can and do visit frequently l deliberately make myself scarce . I think there is the potential for rivalry as we also look after gd when she cannot go to nursery / let in workman etc so may appear to do more than we actually do.
We had the first 6 months exclusively with this new family and that is time her parents missed sadly.

I know I'd feel completely safe to tell my DD that my GS needed a haircut or a clean shirt or new shoes. She would be quite happy to listen to my advice. But I'd definitely think twice before saying similar to a DiL. I know of more than one instance where a DiL has taken against her in-laws for "interfering" when they only meant well. The son, her husband, inevitably sides with her for a quiet life and it ends up that the grandparents don't see their grandchildren.

There is strong anthropological evidence that maternal grandmothers have been more involved than paternal grandmothers across societies and across time. You may not like it, but that is the situation. It is also the case that children were and are more likely to survive to the age of five if the maternal grandmother is alive and lives near to the child's home. Obviously, this is more evident in poorer societies where resources are marginal, but also applies in the relatively affluent West. There are strong genetic reasons for the support of maternal grandmothers vs. paternal grandmothers. It is much more likely that a daughter's child carries one's genetic material, whereas a paternal grandmother can be less certain of this. Of course, very few of us are aware of this influence on us. On an individual basis, we can defy the trend, just as we can other biological influences. Go ahead and be an understanding, supportive grandmother, and beware of resentment of the other grandparents - it never helps!