Have paternal grans always been less involved with their grandchildren than maternal grans?

I suppose, ideally, if all grandparents offer support, don't make it a competition, and are sensitive to how much their presence is really wanted, we'd do pretty well. In our case, we're very lucky to get on with our two DILs very well and do care about them very much ( not just the babies/kids). The other grandparents if my older son's kids live hundreds of miles away. We get on very well with the "other grandparents" of my younger son's children -they happen to live a bit closer to them than we do so they see them a little more often. In fact, their "other granny" and I get on extremely well and are taking those 3 GC away together for a few days at Easter. I know it's not as amicable in all families - I'm very lucky!

3 Sons and 3 DIL's......4 Grandchildren.....and we can honestly say we have always and continue to be the OUT laws.....we have never done or said a wrong word as we are very aware of the dynamics of in-laws.....the DIL's parents and families have always come 1st.....we have so much time and love to give....what a waste.....shed many tears over it...

VioletSky

My honest answer based on what I read is the maternal mum is also interested in daughter and MIL is all about baby.

That's the biggest noticable difference see people talk about

Good lord!
I was very fortunate and happy to help out; my DIL’s parents are in Italy and obviously when they came over I was perfectly happy to step back. It’s a 200 mile round trip to my son’s, I was able to go as and when they asked. I was able to care for dgc1 when dgc2 was born, I stayed for 24 hours after and came home.
It’s never crossed my mind that the in laws and I are in any form of competition, we get on well when we meet. Perhaps we are the exception?

My MIL wasn’t involved at all, she couldn’t be bothered with her own children (5 of them!) or grandchildren. My DM helped occasionally but I was capable and just got on with it.

I don't have a maternal mum and got no support and MIL is an alcoholic and had her son (my husband) removed as a child so no personal experience sadly

I just answered from what I've read people say in mum and baby groups

DIL and us were very close in the beginning but DS did something bad and she turned against his whole large extended family for 2 years. None of us were aware of it either but perhaps she thought we were. Then I was asked to look after DGS for a year while she worked part time. Contact continued throughout but she always disappeared when we visited. Any presents son's family or us bought for DGS were given away or donated to charity. One of her relatives told me this, but I had suspected it for a long time. DGS is now 11 and the last 2 years have been better for us visiting and our other 2 adult children but the rest of the family are totally excluded never invited or visited.
At present she is alienated from her mother so we are getting on better. She is very dominating to her mother and the lady has moved away because of it. She's never been like this with me, and although I do get on with her I really don't like her. I think she was definitely very close to her mother when DGS was small which really is how it should be.

We help.out a lot with our 2 grandsons, the children of our son. We are lucky that we live just 2 miles from them & can help out at very short notice since I'm retired & DH more or less so. The other GPS still both work & live further away. So for us, it's all about accessibility. It certainly isn't a competition- other GPS often stay over which we'd never need to do but we see the boys more often.

tobyandsocks we are in a similar position as we live a five hour drive from our son and his family. DiL’s parent and siblings live very near them. We love them to bits but haven’t seen them for over two years, and we hardly ever get phone call We started with regular Zoom meetings but they petered out. Not our decision. They have said they will come for Christmas. Here’s hoping. Thinking of you. Xxx

I relied heavily on my Mum with my children, as she knew me and trusted me andthechoices we are away couple.

Sadly their paternal gran was a sadly comedic fashion MIL. She came to our home, and was critical of our home, furnishings, cleanliness, parenting style, cooking etc. Only ever when my new husband wasn't at home. So I never trusted or relied on her. Eventually she tried it again, when she thought hubby was at work, but he had flu...and heard it all.

I said I didn't want her in our home and he agreed. She was asked to leave and not return, although we did still visit them. If she tried being nasty my OH simply looked at her and said ENOUGH.

As a paternal grandmother I was lucky to have retired at the time my granddaughter was born so offered to mind her one day a week. Her other grandparents still worked so could not give this service. As a result I bonded well with both granddaughter and daughter in law. My grandson was born 3 years later and I did the same care. Similarly I have a great bond with him. I took them both to swimming lessons and conversations in the car were second to none. My daughter in law and son appreciate everything I have done for them.
I am lucky.

Yes !

When I had mine children I still wanted to see my mum and she wanted to see me - just as we had before the babies came along. Because I had the children most of the time when she and I were together they were there too.

My MIL was probably annoyed, but I felt it was unreasonable for it to be expected that I should curtail the relationship I had with my own mum, which had always been the same, because it resulted in an imbalance of time for the GP with the children.

My parents are older, disabled and many hundreds of miles away, so although they care a great deal they’re just not able to be involved.
My husband’s parents are just a couple of hundred miles away, younger and as involved as much as they possibly can be.

So much of this thread is based on the assumption that grandparents live near their children and grandchildren.

From personal experience only, this is relatively rare. I never did, neither did my children and for most of my contemporaries, the regular 50 mile plus journey to grandparents, boths sides was the norm. Even my parents, born during WW1, between them had only one grandparent living locally.

Talking to my children, few of their friends have grandparents near by. They are fortunate that one grandparent does live near, but we live 200 miles away.

I lived near both sets of grandparents ( I think it was the norm
Monica) at least in the 40’s and 50’s.
I was much closer to my paternal grandparents.

Not among people I knew then, nor my parents. I was born in 1943.

As a mother of a daughter , I am very grateful of her mil . I live nearly 300 miles from my daughter and especially during the pandemic have been unable to visit / stay.
Mil lives about a 10 minute walk and happily will babysit , do school pick ups when necessary.

I loved all my grandparents but my paternal grandmother was my absolute world, I was lucky to have her into my 30s and even then she was the person I confided in for absolutely everything. Nothing shocked her and she always had the best advice, my daughter has her name now and I speak about my grandma often to her.

I think it’s just circumstances as to whether people are closer to either set of parents. Growing up I saw both sets weekly, my daughter probably sees my FIL and my parents pretty equally too. My MIL died when my daughter was 14 months, but if she hadn’t, we’d probably see her more as my parents live 4 hours away and I got on really well with her.

When I had my children in the 70s we lived very close to both sets of grandparents and saw them equally.
All 3 of my offspring have children of their own . I moved in with my DD and SIL and DGD so I have been very close to her . My youngest DS has 2 children but as he is divorced and his DD and DS live with their mother a hundred miles away, I don’t see much of them .
My older DS also has a DS and a DD . When the children were born I wasn’t really allowed to have much to do with the babies . He visited once a week or so with his wife and children but that was it . On the other hand her mother was allowed to babysit and to mind them while the parents worked. I didn’t particularly want to mind the children so wasn’t bothered by this , but my DD was miffed on my behalf .
About 4 years ago DIL mother got breast cancer and died not long after so I needed to take on the child care that she had been doing . It’s so sad for DIL, her dad moved away to live with another woman so he’s been no help to her . All she has to help is one sister and DS and us .
DGD is in year 5 now so in less than two years my days of school runs should be over .

I have 2 daughters and 1 son. All have children. Eldest daughter has one child. The paternal GP’s took over from day one even though we lived 20 minutes drive away. I didn’t fight it. I’m not very close to this GD.

My son has 2 children and I have not felt excluded at all by my DiL. The problem is that they left the U.K. when the children were 1 and 3 and came back at the beginning of this year (now 10 and 7) and it’s been hard for all the GP’s to re-establish relationships. Family more spread out.

Younger daughter lives in the same town as us with her family and her in-laws living in town too and there is simply no competitive grand parenting at all. We all see lots of these GC and are immensely close to them. As I see it, they can’t have too many people who love them.

Maybe expectations are related to how much contact we had with our own grandparents?

My paternal ones were long gone before I was born. We occasionally visited my mum's parents but they never came to our house, probably because they didn't drive and it was easier for us to go there.

There was no childcare or babysitting involved, just family meals and chats. We saw more of aunts, uncles, cousins etc. than grandparents.

This thread just illustrates how different every family is.

"I understand that postpartum many new mom's want their own mom around."

I think that is a fair assumption, and quite natural for a new mum to want, and feel comfortable, having her own mother to help in those early days after having a baby. And it's quite natural for a paternal GM to feel a bit left out in those early days, but most of us do understand, and probably did the same ourselves.

"But if a MIL is also willing to help then isn't the son also worthy of his family's support at this momentous time?"

Of course the son is also worthy of his family's support, it is also a momentous occasion for the DS of the paternal in-laws. It is, however, a different kind of help/support, that is required by the new mum, who probably feels more comfortable with her own mother. There is no reason why the paternal in-laws can't/shouldn't support their own son, and quite understandable that they would want to share in the joy of a new GCs arrival. It is a sad fact, however, as seen in some posts, that some DiLs would prefer to exclude her partners parents. It may all depend on the kind of relationship they already have, or simply on the type of person they are.

"And what about ongoing involvement?"

If the family all get along together then there is no reason why there shouldn't be ongoing involvement with both sets of grandparents. Everyone needs to respect each others feelings, and not overstep the mark, or be deliberately selfish by excluding either set of GPs.

"It seems rare that things ever even out with both grans. Is this a historical bias or a recent one?"

I don't think it's historical, or bias, it's simply down to a number of factors, such as the kind of relationship you already have with your in-laws, distance involved, and whether or not GPs are still working, or retired. Many factors dictate the kind of involvement, and how much involvement, GPs have with their AC and GC.

I think most moms want their own mom first, it’s only natural. Not so in my case. Where I live it’s always the girls mother that’s with the family. Mil takes a back seat, funny really as most of them have boys.

It certainly has in my family
I used to spend every day with my maternal Nan and grandad and see my paternal gran once a week for a couple of hours
When my own children were born I was overseas but when I came back to U.K. I was visiting my mum and dad when ever I could mum came to stay to babysit and came to be around for my third baby and I spent part of every summer with them
I loved my mother in law but didn’t see a great deal of her and she had a lot more grandkids and a busy life ( my parents only had my kids)
Fast forward my children all moved away, one came back one settled a short plane ride away and son went to NZ so I really don’t have much to do with my grandkids there and they have a Nan and grandad around the corner from them I play a big role in the ones that live nearby and a fairly big role in the ones just over the sea as their paternal grandparents live away too
It’s life and seems to be the natural way for us anyway as I say many times a day it is what it is