Help advice from other grand/mil

agree with Disco.

I would think about moving! This will never go away, and she won’t change. Been there...got all the accessories!

Losing your own mum seems to have been completely overlooked by her too, and I was sad to hear that.

Your husband needs to get on the case and sort her out. You concentrate on your baby, and don’t get persuaded to do anything you don’t want to.

Your baby comes first....end of. What she wants is of no importance.

Look after yourself....and really think about moving.

sorry my mistake

Firstly accept my condolences on the loss of your mum (flowers)
Sit your OH down and make him understand your feelings do not let him interrupt you until you have made things clear to him and he agree's to speak to his mother in your presence.
If you can put your house on the market (or look for another rental if you rent) if she doesn't listen to your OH things will get worse so moving would be a good option for you all.
How cruel to bring your mum into conversation such a hurtful thing to say to anyone.

FTMD you have had a lot happen in a short space of time. I am sorry you have lost your Mum. The first year of parenthood is hard for everyone. I agree you need to talk to your DH and together you need to work out a strategy for dealing with the problem. Is your MIL on her own? Family relationships are important so I would suggest little steps to improve things rather than any ultimatums. You know your baby better than anyone. Go with your instincts on how to raise him/ her. We are all beginners at parenting and learn as we go. Try to see your MIL's good points and make good use of any time she does mind your child to do what you want to do. Good luck. I'm sure things will improve.

He's more worried about upsetting his mom than you, that needs to change.

You can have the MIL from hell but if your husband is aware of how she's making you feel, it should be a non issue or atleast a small one.

I've been there, 'keeping the peace' is her peace, not yours.

You need to sit your 'D'H down and explain everything, she's effectively bullying you. Lay the cards on the table. I'd also consider moving!

Couples therapy and i would separate till your so called husband realizes where his loyalties should be aligned with

I agree about the couples therapy but not separating ..the couples therapy is the way to go to get those loyalties aligned hopefully!! And I suspect he might need individual therapy to get himself sorted re his feelings/responses towards his mother

It's time to stick up for yourself and cut down on the visits. I'd plan to move away, very soon, too. Strangely, we get this same 'horrid MIL' problem regularly popping up on GN, yet I've never encountered it in real life.

All the grans I know are busy, having their own lives, and the opposite is true. They complain about being asked to babysit so much!

This woman sounds mentally disturbed. Do you think your DH was attracted to you (not consciously) because he hoped you would protect him from his mother with your strength of character?

Have you considered giving him an ultimatum, that either you all move well away from DM within 6 months or you and your child will move somewhere else until that happens? I am not suggesting a marriage breakdown, but that if he is faced with an either/or it might just stiffen his spine.

I do agree with others that therapy of some kind is needed and help and advice on how to handle the very difficult problem you face.

What MOnica said

Couples therapy and i would separate till your so called husband realizes where his loyalties should be aligned with

FTMD

It had put a huge strain on our marriage because she is emotionally manipulative and controlling, she’s done it to my husband his whole life and despite my best efforts I can’t make him see it.
Every time I’ve stood my ground or tried to lay a boundary it’s led to world war three and my husband just gives in to her to keep the peace.
It’s a heavy load to be made feel like you’ve never done right by your child.
I was told I should stay at home and raise my child, I shouldn’t breastfeef, it’s selfish because no one else can feed the baby. Etc etc. I could go on all day.
It’s not in my nature to resent anyone but honestly I have such rage toward her. It makes me sick she uses my son as a pawn

You need couples therapy ASAP. Frame it that you both need to learn how to be on the same page.

What she is expecting is not normal, and the constant reminders of your mothers death is straight up cruel. I’m so sorry

Why did you move next door to MiL? Was it your DH's idea? It seems a very odd thing to do. I had a wonderful MiL, nevertheless neither DH, himself or I would have moved next door in a month of Sundays.

I am in total agreement with all those that suggest you tell her politely and firmly that how you bring your child up is nobodies business but yours and your husband's and if she cannot say anything supportive she should stay at home.

I would insist that she always rings and ask whether it is convenient befor visiting and then only stays an hour, once a day, max.

It had put a huge strain on our marriage because she is emotionally manipulative and controlling, she’s done it to my husband his whole life and despite my best efforts I can’t make him see it.
Every time I’ve stood my ground or tried to lay a boundary it’s led to world war three and my husband just gives in to her to keep the peace.
It’s a heavy load to be made feel like you’ve never done right by your child.
I was told I should stay at home and raise my child, I shouldn’t breastfeef, it’s selfish because no one else can feed the baby. Etc etc. I could go on all day.
It’s not in my nature to resent anyone but honestly I have such rage toward her. It makes me sick she uses my son as a pawn

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss.

As for your MIL, "MIL, you were the expert on your babies. I'm the expert on mine. If you can't stop criticizing, you'll have to go home now." - and follow through.

"We're happy with our child care."

Talk to your husband as well. He needs to divert his mother's attention and give you a break, before her overwhelming nature destroys your relationship with her.

That she uses your mother's death as a way to manipulate you is absolutely disgusting. I'd ask her to leave each time she does it. No way I'd tolerate that from anyone.

Big mistake !!! Moving next door to your m.i.l.!!
You have to set boundaries from the very start. Don’t leave it till she’s taken over your baby and your lives. She’s using emotional blackmail. Good luck !

Maybe you should consider less visits. She is using guilt and manipulation to try and get her way which isn't healthy for either of you. If you are working it must be exhausting having a visitor over for an hour a day with your own needs and things to do.