Do your children ring you?

I don’t phone my AC but text regularly. I wouldn’t phone because I don’t know when they’re busy. Putting children in the bath/bed, homework, having dinner , taking children to various clubs etc etc.

Keeping in touch h by message is ideal as they can answer as and when.

I see two of my AC and GC regularly but the other son lives about an hour and a half away, so he does phone once a week.

I dont rely on them for social contact. I have a very busy life and wouldnt want them to feel ‘obliged’ to phone all the time.

Try to make a life of your own and be happy when you do hear from them.?

Yes, especially my son we often phone each other for a chat and the adult go message me.

As a family we are talkers not texters, emailers or any other kind of non-person to non-person communicators.

DD rings us regulalrly. She lives alone and for 7 years was a home worker and we would speak to her daily. Now she is an office worker again, we get anything from one call a week to almost daily calls.

DS is more erratic, but rings at least once a week. We also ring them. DDiL is in constant contact with her mother by phone.

We keep text for short functional messages. The idea that you can conduct any kind of personal relationship without talking directly to each other seems a contradiction in terms.

No. They [sons] will text me or I will text them, and that's not every week by any means. Both have difficult jobs and in the thick of it with rugby and football training and weekend matches, dance, swimming and gym classes, kid's parties etc. etc.
But when we text we usually arrange a meet up in the following few days, so that's fine by me. One is a 12 minute walk away and the other 17 miles away...so I think myself lucky.
My life is busy too and I do not expect them to be a prop for me, or to worry about me/feel obligated. I know when they are quiet that all is well with them and their family. And I do know that if I needed them they would be there [and vice versa of course].

All three children live in London, around 60 miles away. Daughter or I ring for a chat every couple of weeks and she comes home for a weekend every 6 weeks. Younger son texts or rings (or I do) every couple of weeks for a chat. I also meet him in London for an exhibition every so often. He hasn’t been home since June! Elder son and his partner have a child - my granddaughter. We got into the habit during the early lockdowns of Zooming stories once a week. Elder son doesn’t ring for chats as such - we ring one another if there is something particularly interesting to say! They come to me every two or three weeks for the day and I stayed over half term last month and took my granddaughter out. All families are different. I would love to see more of them but they are busy people!

I actually like the WhatsApp messaging. I find talking on the phone quite draining. I’ve never really liked it, except for making quick arrangements. I do like video calling, probably because you can see the other person trying to talk, so you don’t both end up talking at once.

I suppose it’s different for me...because I do have my husband, and all my kids/ grandchildren are local.

If the sons and daughters only understood the briefest of calls "Hi mum are you okay" "Yes fine, How are you?" "Okay. I'll ring again tomorrow. Bye." would suffice.

Communication styles have changed and the reply doesn't have to be immediately sent back or in real time

Expecting for your kids to do what you did for your mother is unrealistic- you are are not your mother, the kids are not you.

Please do call (within reason) your kids instead of waiting to be called
It makes you an active part of the relationship instead of the passive one
It shows you have interest in keeping the relationship alive instead of putting all the pressure on the other side

Again, the obvious- your AC are at a different life phase as you are and their priorities are different.
They do the best they can with their busy and demanding schedule.

Caleo

If the sons and daughters only understood the briefest of calls "Hi mum are you okay" "Yes fine, How are you?" "Okay. I'll ring again tomorrow. Bye." would suffice.

I wondered whether to ask the OP how long she expects a phone call to be.

My MIL always expected to use the whole of the “free” hour of a phone call. She lined to phone after Sunday lunch and my husband would often say “Don’t answer it’ because it put paid to anything we wanted to do on a Sunday afternoon.

If only she had been happy with five or ten minutes we would have phoned more often?

I have 3 adult children. One only rings Xmas and Birthday Mother and Father Days. The other 2 ring when they want something be it money, advise, borrow my car, babysitting etc. And they all ring when they want to come for a free holiday as we live on the coast. One DGC rings when she's passed an exam, or has college news. The other 2 I don't hear from. Not even a thank you from any of them for birthday or Xmas presents. On the plus side if they borrow money they always pay us back.

I hardly speak to anyone on the phone these days and I'm more than happy with it.

I used to have a daily call with my Mum until she died.

Now we all communicate on WhatsApp or Messenger.

One of my friends accidentally called me on Messenger the other day. I did answer and we got quite giddy as it had been so long since either of us had had a phone conversation.

Times have changed.

I also rarely speak to anyone on the phone, by choice. I am happy that way. It's very peaceful. My son who lives with me is not a great talker, even face to face and nor am I but we live in harmony. I have other kids who never ring, but that's ok.

Madwoman11 If your daughter says she doesn't feel like talking when she's been on the phone all day, I totally get that. It can be emotionally draining! If she isn't an extrovert, she may get tired by other people and crave her own quiet time. I do think you're being unreasonable comparing her to your self and your own Mum because she is her own person.

As parents we have to want what's best for our kids, even when that's not us. It's part of letting them grow up. Feeling uncared for is different than being uncared for.

I think my children are a bit younger than many of yours but this generation doesn't tend to ring much. They text and message. They only phone in an emergency. I have no problem with that. We talk in person (the meeting up being organised by text). It's not personal, times have changed. If we do talk at distance, it's usually by Zoom.

My youngest son is still (just) in his twenties and he calls me almost every day - if I don’t get a call for two days then I usually ring him. The others call fairly often, but without any pattern and we share several WhatsApp groups that get a lot of traffic. Today I had a FaceTime chat with my son and grandson and a long call from my youngest daughter. My older daughter is in NZ so the time difference makes calling her difficult, plus she’s a nurse and occasionally works nights - so I very rarely call her, but she FaceTimes me usually every 7-10 days. We don’t have a landline so our children sometimes call me and other times speak to their dad - between the two of us we get calls almost every day from our children. Our older son is an accountant and has periods when he’s particularly busy at work, so we tend not to hear much from him at those times.

The point about different means of communication is a good one. I use a range of text, WhatsApp, Zoom, Teams, Skype, email, FaceTime and audio every day - I’m also occasionally contacted by Facebook messenger.

In my mum’s day she had the choice of sending a telegram, writing a letter - or a walk to the phone box! ?

One son used to ring daily until I asked him not to. I felt more like a burden than a pleasure and, furthermore, I often had little to say on a daily basis. Also, if he ever missed day, I only worried that something was wrong. He has a crazily busy life whereas mine is far less fractious, thank goodness. I've been there and have that Tshirt. Now he tends to ring on his commute to or from work and that suits us both fine. Other son tends to do a loving daft text whenever I pop into his mind and that's nice too. They're so different. I try to keep myself busy enough not to need their intervention but I certainly enjoy it when we meet up. I clearly remember my lovely Mum being unhappy when I had not been in touch and that was a pressure I could really have done without at the time. I am determined never to do that to my children.

I really like WhatsApp. I have individual private links with children and grandchildren and can share photos, videos or just a quick message. We also have a family link for shared comments etc. They can be answered when it's convenient. I find it much better than phone calls which are often badly timed and I don't like talking on the phone anyway.

I really like WhatsApp. I have individual private links with children and grandchildren and can share photos, videos or just a quick message. We also have a family link for shared comments etc. They can be answered when it's convenient. I find it much better than phone calls which are often badly timed and I don't like talking on the phone anyway.

No idea why I repeated myself!!!

My dad and I have a text going where she drops me a line when she can during the day. She often calls late at night after everyone else is in bed to chat. If she wants to talk to her dad or siblings, she calls the house phone.

I’d say we chat a few times a week, but I also don’t get to see her often, as she lives a couple of hours away, and almost never has two days in a row off work.

If I saw her weekly for lunch, we wouldn’t talk on the phone much.

Gingster I’m with you on this one I used to phone my son and daughter but at hugely awkward times only to be told sorry can’t speak its tea time etc etc I learned then to message long stories and then the reply came back in their own time

Now we just message or FaceTime I do so love a FaceTime.??

Madwoman, what is it you want? She visits twice a week, is she expected to do this ? You don’t have children as an insurance against a lonely old age.

All the time, my son and family have in the last year moved closer to us. It's lovely seeing the grandchildren regularly, never thought this would happen at all.
When my son and daughter went to Uni after getting their degrees they went to where the jobs were.
Even though we've lived away from each other for years they have always come to us for Christmas or the New Year.

Madwoman It must be hard being estranged from your sons, but do not cling on to your daughter too hard lesst the pressure becomes too much from her.

When you say If I couldn't get out to meet friends I wouldn't speak to a soul It seems to me that you are trying to build to much of your life around your child. When our children grow up and start their adult lives, you should start to cut the apron strings and build up your own separate life, your friends, your interests, so that your children are complaining that they cannot speak to you because you are doing so much else.

This is a very long quote but read it and then think about what it is saying.
Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them
like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows
are sent forth.
The archer sees the make upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness.^
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He also loves the^ bow that is stable.^

― Kahlil Gibran

An excellent post MOnica. We must (and I do) take pleasure from seeing our children forge their way in life, for which we have done our best to prepare them, and be grateful for the time they find for us out of their busy lives, not pressurise for more.

Thankyou MOnica fot that wise and beautiful poem, that has actually brought tears to my eyes. I can identify with many posters on this thread. Speaking personally and generally, I think daughters may be more inclined to call home more often than sons. I have 2 sons but sisters both have daughters that seem to be more in touch with their mums.
My elder son will call about once every 4 to 6 weeks and I call him about once a month though text more often.
Madwoman11 you are lucky indeed to have a daughter that loves to spend time with you so regularly. Please don't worry about your son not calling. I know that feeling well--but I know that it doesn't equate to his not caring or loving you, I'm sure. Hope you're feeling a little better. ?