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Am I selfish/bad for wanting to enjoy my new year’s weekend instead of running errands for my mom?

(98 Posts)
Browneyes87 Fri 31-Dec-21 22:13:11

Hi,
I want to vent about this because I’m not sure if I should feel guilty or selfish.
Yesterday my dad found out that he has covid. My mom took the test and luckily she’s negative, but she might retake the test on Sunday.
So now my dad is at home quarantined in his room and my mom is sleeping in another room. I offered my house if she didn’t feel safe but she said my dad might need assistance and that she’s not sure of what to do and she doesn’t want to go out until she retakes the test.

Yesterday my mom asked me to get some basic things for her like gloves, and sanitizers, etc. I went after work and delivered it at her door. Today she asked if I could get milk when I go to the grocery store and I said okay. The thing is that she also said: “I also needed to pick up a pair of pijamas at the mall but I can’t go out”. Okay that part is NOT an emergency and I want to enjoy my long weekend because I’ve been busy lately and haven’t had time for myself. My mom likes buying random stuff at the mall all the time and now wants me to sacrifice my time to go get something that is not urgent at the mall.

My mom relies on my dad to take her to places but now that he has covid she can’t rely on him. I am okay buying food for my parents and basic necessities because my dad has covid but I refuse to go to the mall over something stupid. I hate the mall, it’s always packed and I’m already helping my parents with basic needs.
Am I supposed to be a people pleaser?

Before dad got covid I’ve also done plenty of favors to my mom that weren’t considered “an emergency” and that’s why I feel like I need time for myself. I’m going out tonight for new year’s and I deserve to rest too since I also have a busy life.
I’m asking if I’m selfish because my mom seems to be giving me the silent treatment. Can I say no to some things or I always have to say yes?
Am I selfish for not wanting to go to the mall?

MayBeMaw Sat 01-Jan-22 12:25:53

If I am being honest, your reaction to your mothers demands does suggest you really resent her intrusion into your “you” time.
Wanting to help poorly /isolating parents is, as Nadateturbe is not “people pleasing” it shows love. Perhaps your Mum is afraid she will end up in hospital (I know my PJs are not what I would want anybody to see!) or perhaps this is just an expression of her anxiety about your Dad. These are anxious times for all of us and a bit of slack can be cut on both sides.
You say you have done your Mum plenty of favours- don’t we all? And as a Mum, I would move mountains for my daughters. These are extraordinary times and many of us couldn’t enjoy Christmas or New Year - so are you surprised?
So at the risk of stating the obvious, instead of resenting her demands, couldn’t you meet her half-way and as suggested upthread, agree to a shopping list of essentials until they are both clear?

Onstrike Sat 01-Jan-22 12:44:50

One of the nice things about buying online is it keeps you out of the malls and they deliver right to a person's door. Take advantage of it for your mom's nightgown since it is not an emergency.

Chardy Sat 01-Jan-22 12:46:30

Btiwneyes Can you offer her 2 designated days a week when you'll do her shopping?

Aveline Sat 01-Jan-22 12:47:38

When my parents were old and ill I didn't think twice about providing whatever help I could. I had a busy life and family of my own but thinking about 'me time' or what I 'deserved' just didn't enter my head.
Your parents are not going to get younger or need less support. Something to think about.

BlueBelle Sat 01-Jan-22 12:50:28

It’s not about getting stuff for your parents but the annoyance that you’re showing I think you are perfectly within your right to say I ll do the shopping but…..
On the other hand don’t we all make sacrifices for those we love
One parent is ill and the other obviously worried and feeling insecure and you’re having a huff and needing to ask on here if you re right or wrong seems strange to me
Might not be the best of ideas to go out New Year’s Eve if
you ve been with your mum who doesn’t know fully whether she’s infected or not !! But anyway that’s past now so who knows
It’s really shouldn’t be a big deal to pick something up for your mum on occasions when she can’t, without resentment as it sounds as if it’s a one off if your dad normally does it

MayBeMaw Sat 01-Jan-22 14:48:14

I would put money on not seeing OP back as she will not have received the 100% support she was presumably seeking. And she is presumably now recovering from her New Year’s Eve/Day partying anyway.
God help me if I were to go down with Covid and encountered a similar attitude from any of my three daughters. And God forgive me if I were ever to respond to them in a similar way.
No, I think OP has answered her own question - in the affirmative.

M0nica Sat 01-Jan-22 16:15:25

Aveline The reason people have breakdowns and have to leave people they care for to the wolves is usually because they have never structured any 'me time' into their lives. Carers who can fit some 'me time' into their lives can often care more and for longer. It may be half an hour in the bath every morning.

What kept me sane when I had a period of caring for a relation living 20 miles away was driving between his house and mine, not along the quickest main road route, but by using the longer, country roads through woods and farmland. In the morning the drive through the green countryside, through little villages prepared me for the day ahead and the evening drive back helped me relax.

Calistemon Sat 01-Jan-22 16:36:20

If your hangover permits, get online and order the pyjamas, getting them delivered to your mother's house

As for food - do you have online grocery shopping in the States?

If she's elderly, she may be getting forgetful or suffering with anxiety.

I’m asking if I’m selfish because my mom seems to be giving me the silent treatment
Or it may be she isn't phoning because she got short shrift from you, so realises she mustn't put any more demands on you, interrupting your social life and rest times.

Hithere Sat 01-Jan-22 16:40:51

Op's own mother can order her own PJs online herself

What is what some parents that they feel their AC owe them care?

Hithere Sat 01-Jan-22 16:42:00

What is that, not what

Calistemon Sat 01-Jan-22 16:46:52

Hithere

Op's own mother can order her own PJs online herself

What is what some parents that they feel their AC owe them care?

I don't think it's permanent care but not helping out parents who are isolating because one has Covid and the OP wants to go out on NYE is just mean.

Thank goodness for my DC - we don't expect or ask for anything but they are there if we need them, as we are for them.

It's called love, Hithere.

Aveline Sat 01-Jan-22 16:53:21

M0nica doesn't sound like the OP is anywhere near a breakdown. I'm glad that you found your commute to look after your relative helped. I don't know why we didn't get near a breakdown when caring for elderly parents and in laws while working full time but somehow, like most people, we just did.

Summerlove Sat 01-Jan-22 16:53:35

Why are we assuming OP is in America?

As far as I can tell, their isolation period is 5 days, not 10.

Calistemon Sat 01-Jan-22 16:57:16

Aveline

M0nica doesn't sound like the OP is anywhere near a breakdown. I'm glad that you found your commute to look after your relative helped. I don't know why we didn't get near a breakdown when caring for elderly parents and in laws while working full time but somehow, like most people, we just did.

I also had young children Aveline.
Sometimes I felt like a piece of elastic but between us all, we managed it and I'm pleased we did.

Aveline Sat 01-Jan-22 17:00:14

So did we Callistemon- forgot to mention them. I suppose the mantra was ' just do it'!

Calistemon Sat 01-Jan-22 17:06:58

New poster?
Got everyone going?

?

Hope you didn't catch Covid when you were out celebrating on NYE, OP.

Hithere Sat 01-Jan-22 17:20:12

Where is the love from the mother, making sure she doesnt become a burden for her AC?

Allsorts Sat 01-Jan-22 17:28:56

I don’t understand the, doing your mother plenty of favours, don’t we all do things for loved ones. You sound resentful of your input. If you think you are doing too much have a chat about it, she is probably scared with your father being so unwell . I’m sure she would understand you saying you cant get the p j’s at the weekend.

MayBeMaw Sat 01-Jan-22 17:39:52

Summerlove

Why are we assuming OP is in America?

As far as I can tell, their isolation period is 5 days, not 10.

Why?
Because she uses words like “Mom”, “neighbor” “New years”and “the mall”.
Yes I know we have shopping centres/malls in the U.K. but if you are headed to the Trafford Centre , Brent Cross or Bluewater, do you say you are going to “the mall” ?

MayBeMaw Sat 01-Jan-22 17:40:24

Calistemon

New poster?
Got everyone going?

?

Hope you didn't catch Covid when you were out celebrating on NYE, OP.

Absolutely! ???

paddyann54 Sat 01-Jan-22 17:53:54

Are you selfish ? Yes ,I believe you are .I cant imagine leaving a sick man and an elderly woman to fend for themselves in the current circumstances...or any circumstances to be honest .I certainly couldn't have done it .Like most on here I juggled businesses,home children with looking after my Mum ,I dont regret a minute of the time I spent with her right until her last breath

BlueBelle Sat 01-Jan-22 17:57:56

Summerlove there are lots of clues mom, crowded malls, grocery store, favor

Hithere you ve no idea, the mother could be 90, disabled, or anything but the fact is the poster says quite clearly normally the Dad does all the shopping, driving etc but because he’s ill the mum has asked her for some help and she sounds quite petulant about a couple of weeks help there is nothing in her post to suggest the mother is wanting more than a bit of shopping whilst they are incapacitated …nothing wrong with that at all

MayBeMaw Sat 01-Jan-22 18:05:40

My mistake-it was favors not neighbors
But whatever, well said paddyann I am amazed at the number of people who think the mum is making unreasonable demands, surely any of us would have done the shopping and dropped it off at the door for poorly/isolating parents? Probably collecting their laundry and dropping off a casserole or two at the same time!
OP comes across as a petulant teenager who clearly resents anything coming between her and her social life.

Hithere Sat 01-Jan-22 18:09:38

OP has been there for their parents

"Yesterday my mom asked me to get some basic things for her like gloves, and sanitizers, etc. I went after work and delivered it at her door. Today she asked if I could get milk when I go to the grocery store and I said okay. The thing is that she also said: “I also needed to pick up a pair of pijamas at the mall but I can’t go out”. Okay that part is NOT an emergency and I want to enjoy my long weekend because I’ve been busy lately and haven’t had time for myself. My mom likes buying random stuff at the mall all the time and now wants me to sacrifice my time to go get something that is not urgent at the mall."

OP said those are not an emergency - aka can wait

OP is already helping her parents, wondering if she is yabu for not being at their beck and call

What is going to happen if her father can no longer drive her mother everywhere?
I bet her mother expects her to become her driver.

MissAdventure Sat 01-Jan-22 18:12:19

And I bet if the op's leg fell off, they would expect her to hop....
Best not to bet anything without any insight or knowledge.