Nasty and unfeeling Son

Madgran77

*I think a lot of people avoid wakes. It doesn't make them bad people*

I agree

Exactly Madgran77. The son is attending the funeral, that is all that is needed.

I think a lot of people avoid wakes. It doesn't make them bad people

I agree

Quite agree with you JaneJudge, it's so judgemental to refer to people who don't react to situations, in the way that we personally might not, as bad people. Surely any adult knows that every one copes/deals with death and funerals in completely different ways. There is no right or wrong way to show grief; even outwardly not showing it at all.

I think a lot of people avoid wakes. It doesn't make them bad people

I don't kn ow where that idea came from, either. I think it started around the time that Diana died and people who had never met her were devastated, but it wasn't necessarily connected to that.

trisher

I don't know where this idea that the only people who have feelings are those who cry and emote all over the place came from. Your son may or may not have feelings about his cousin. He's said he would go to the funeral. Perhaps the reason he doesn't want to go to the after-funeral event is because he doesn't want to see you all weeping. Some choose to mourn privately.
Then again he may be of the opinion that you shouldn't be mourning you should be remembering his cousin and the happy times. There is more than one way to look at death.

I agree trisher
Furthermore, at 52 years old he may not feel too upset ( or at all) by his cousin’s recent death, unless they were close for all their lives.
At least he says he will attend the actual funeral service.
At his age it’s his decision.

at least he has decided he will go because it is expected of him. my brother didn't attend our mother's funeral. its not your issue, its his. you should just ignore his behaviour and say nothing to the other relatives. No tears, those are tears really for your nephew. its always sad when people leave this world, whether they are 18 or 80. focus on your nephews family. thats the right thing to do and ignore your son. he is, what he is.

One blessing for me when my DH died a year ago was that covid restrictions meant we could only have 20 people there. In fact there were fewer than that.
I would have hated the formalities of a hotel style wake and as it was DS was very uncomfortable when a cousin tried to make small talk with him. It just wasn't appropriate.
Only closest family came back to ours for an Indian takeaway and drinks. This was just right for our family.

So I do accept that some of us don't enjoy funerals.
Sorry you have had such a rough time recently

We don't know what his feelings are at the death of his cousin, and neither does the OP. He may be very upset but not showing it, or he may have drifted so far from him since his childhood that he doesn't feel he wishes to spend time at the wake as well as at the actual funeral.It is, after all, about 50 years since they were close and their lives may have changed a great deal.

Crying all night over his decision does seem to me to be extreme - and perhaps predicting that his mother will be in a highly emotional state at and after the funeral has contributed to that decision to shorten his exposure to it.

M0nica I used the search box to see whether over60plus was new to Gransnet, and various things her son has done, so you are right, there is already bad feeling between them.

Unless it is family or very close friends we wouldn't go to the wake after the funeral, specially not at the moment

Some people just can't handle strong emotion and shut down. They disassociate from it and can say some very unfeeling things because of it. It does not mean they are bad people, just don't have the coping mechanisms they need in place.

Your family has experienced a lot of loss and trauma.

I understand this is painful for you but I think you should try not to take it personally when there is a chance this isn't deliberate.

It is good that he is going to the funeral. However, many people find the gatherings afterwards more difficult. It could be that he is very upset at the death and just can't face talking to other people about it etc. You cannot know his feelings and reasons.

Accept the choices he has made and don't try to make him feel bad about it.

We don’t all feel the same about funerals, I do not attend them but am not nasty or unfeeling.

There must be many people that feel the same as shown in the booming business of direct cremations where no one attends.

I agree that it's a mistake to expect them to have the same values and feelings. I have learned this the hard way. Our daughter is very different from us and I've found that quite hard but she's a person in her own right. I now accept that we are not in agreement on many things.

It’s a mistake to expect adult children to have the same value system, feelings, behaviours etc as their parents. Monica hit the nail on the head in her post IMO. My mother always used to say expect little and you won’t be disappointed. I’m sure there are many positives in your son that you could be focusing on rather than negatives.

Rereading this thread and the OP, and allowing for her own grief and way of responding to it. I am actually profoundly shocked that she would call this thread Nasty and unfeeling son

It rather suggests that, even before this sad event, she already harboured feelings of animosity towards her son, that her instant reaction to his behaviour calls forth such a horrible and aggressive title for this thread.

I suspect that the OP expects her DS to respond to everything the way she does and takes any deviation from her diktats as a sign of animosity. I suspect that all that is happening is that her son, like almost anyone of his age, has his own views and opinions and sees no reason to have those dictated to him by his mother.

Over60Plus, you are worrying yourself quite unnecessarily.

Not respecting the funeral has nothing to do with being unfeeling and refusing funeral attendance may show that your son feels heavy grief.

Funerals are not at all the same as expressing grief.

Oversixtyplus

I don't know where this idea that the only people who have feelings are those who cry and emote all over the place came from. Your son may or may not have feelings about his cousin. He's said he would go to the funeral. Perhaps the reason he doesn't want to go to the after-funeral event is because he doesn't want to see you all weeping. Some choose to mourn privately.
Then again he may be of the opinion that you shouldn't be mourning you should be remembering his cousin and the happy times. There is more than one way to look at death.

I'm with your son on this. He is attending the funeral but not the 'gathering' afterwards. This is exactly what I do on these occasions as they often exude a general sociality and catch up opporrtunity that I'm not ready for. Absolutely no disrespect to those who indulge. Just not something I'm comfortable with and I always slip away discreetly.

I'm with grannygranby here I'm afraid. The death of close members of our families is a reminder that we are all mortal. I always remember my GP saying to me that when your parents die you have moved to the head of the queue. Your son may not be handling this very well and possibly deeply upset by it all. If that was the case then I think the remark about you and your husband being next is thoughtless and rather cruel in my opinion. If it had been said to me I would have told him to have more respect and that it was probably best that he didn't come to any function afterwards. I would now leave him alone, speak normally to him at the funeral and let the whole episode go, don't cry yourself to sleep, accept that we are all different and that maybe it is your son that has a problem and not you! Look after yourself too.

I'm sorry for all of these losses

With respect, I don't think it is appropriate for you to tell an adult how he has to feel.

There are some deeply unpleasant hard people in this world. My daughter is tough as old nails. Should we bend over backwards to defend them?. I’m starting to think not.
I think he was hurtful. I understand your upset but he’s his own person and he should respect you more. Don’t sentimentalise over him. Tell him what you think then leave him well be.

Why not tell him you respect his decision, but if he changes his mind that will be ok too.
Sometimes we just need to step back a bit from all the emotion.Sincere Best wishes.