I don't understand

britgran, try not to take anyone's posts to heart. Maybe if you just want to offload in future say @just an offload - no need to advise

Is this the same son that cheated on his wife and was bulimic?

You do not like each other, it is okay not to like people. Your son and their children love her so never criticise, just stay away from each other as much as possible.

Hithere

Is this the same son that cheated on his wife and was bulimic?

No

Britgran. Don’t think you have to leave, there are a few sharp tongued posters on here but most want to help. It’s hard weighing up a situation with only a few facts.
Carry on as you have done, no need to stay away, sounds good enough to me, try not to over worry. It is what it is. There are a few on here who know all about the eggshell walk.

britgran
You did once describe your bulimic son as selfish and promiscuous.

MerylStreep

britgran
You did once describe your bulimic son as selfish and promiscuous.

What's that got to do with this ??

Meryl Streep

Different son

I am sure there are lots of people here's who have had disagreements with SiL or DiL. Sometimes quite difficult situations but try to get through awkward times. By turning to this site and others for some advice or opinions.
Here the advice you get might not be what you want to hear. Its meant well though don't take it to heart.

Britgran I think you have to accept after all this time that you are never going to have much of a relationship with your DiL You can’t force people to like you but you can hope that they will be fair. Have you any evidence that she is damaging your relationship with your DGDs? If you generally enjoy a loving relationship with them, then I would just accept how she feels. As someone else said many DiLs/SiLs communicate with MiLs/via the son/ daughter if there is no close relationship. It worked for me.

Britgran

If DIL doesn't want her children to use certain language, there is nothing wrong with her asking her children not to repeat it.

I was really surprised to read this was 10 years ago, you have really held on to it.

I think if you are going to hold on to small things like this and act in childish ways then that will obviously sour the relationship. Remember your son knows you quite well and he will pick up on your tension and so will your DIL and grandchildren.

I think you need to let this go, you and DIL are different people but you can still be respectful to her and her parenting wishes even if you don't get on. If you don't behave childishly you won't make the grandchildren think badly of you

Do people on here read the posts before answering. I am not holding onto something that happened 10 years ago, it was an example, playing with my GD and calling her bonkers, is not unreasonable language, I do not use unreasonable language, there are many instances of my DIL acting unfairly, another example was when the girls were small we babysat and they climbed into bed with me in the morning, she asked.my son to tell me I shouldn't allow this to happen as it's wierd, so how many of you think it's right and I could be seen as some sort of paedophile , to placate her I agreed and the children never got into my bed again, once again I posted on here because I'm worried about our relationship with our GDs ,

No wonder I'm depressed and doubting myself !!!!

I think everyone of GN has sometimes started a thread, expecting sympathy and support - and not got it.

I still think being less available for baby sitting and genrally playing least-in-sight, is your best strategy.

Nobody called you pedophiles, anywhere close.

"Placating" says everything about your attitude - you do not placate the parents of the children, you respect their decisions.

Pedophile, sorry

Sorry Britgran but if you want things to improve all you can do is look at what you can change for the better.

Putting down DIL here and people agreeing will not achieve that

britgran, I know just how you feel as my DIL sounds much like yours and I also have the same worry that my GC are maybe not always hearing nice things about me from her. Not that I’m expecting to be put on a pedestal or anything like it before I’m shot down on here.
I tried hard to be a good MIL and granny when they were here in Scotland but she was never anything like remotely friendly. Except when you asked about gifts for the wee ones or were needed to help at birthday parties.
My DS and the family are now on the other side of the world where she’s from, and the only time I can speak to the GC is when he is home from working abroad. At Christmas DIL didn’t even bother joining in the call to say Happy Christmas.

britgran I feel for you. All you want is a normal relationship with your grandchild. I find it incredible that anyone would be offended over the word “bonkers” in the context of playfulness/silliness with children. Has it got some other connotation that I am ignorant of? How about “nuts” then - is that acceptable? As for getting in your bed when you slept at theirs’ what a spiteful reaction to call it weird.
It smacks of jealousy and insecurity on the part of your DIL in my opinion. However I’d be inclined to ask myself if your son/her husband is in any way responsible for dil feeling this way because no one can really ever know what goes on or has gone on in a marriage can they ? without being a fly on the wall. I’m not suggesting it’s his fault but always laughing things off may not be helping you or his wife.
My advice would be to stop being so magnanimous to these two adults, tell them straight that you find what has gone on hurtful. Best to do this to their faces or over the phone and preferably out of earshot of the grandchildren.
Make it clear to them you still want a relationship with the children and them but not one that involves yourself being demonised. Good luck britgran

Hmm. I was put in the position where I had to tell my children not to use a very rude swear word that my mother in law used to trot out on a regular basis. I was raised that it was one of the more shocking ones. DH didn't address it with his other so I had no choice but to explain to the children why that word was bad and that they would get in trouble at school, and how other adults would view them, if they heard them using it. Talking about MIL in front of the kids? She put me in that position by insisting on talking like that.

It sounds like you DIL felt you were interfering and taking over. Even though you weren't meant to hear that, it was an opportunity to get a message and learn from it. She might have been relieved when you did nothing when you visited.

I'm not saying you're not otherwise a lovely GM or person but there were obviously some niggles. None of us is perfect and we all need to learn to give and take to make a relationship. It sounds like your DIL doesn't necessarily dislike you but has a bit of a different approach to life.

Fortunately you haven't been shut out. You have contact through your son. A lot of young families now deal with their own side, rather than the DIL having to do all the social organising just because of being female. Hopefully in time you can rebuild a bit of a relationship with your DIL too.

If you push back too hard, you run a serious risk of not being allowed to see them at all. She clearly feels she can’t talk directly to you as it is - it’s on you to mend this relationship by making it clear that you’ll abide by her rules and support her as the parent.

It sounds like you are walking on eggshells around her to maintain contact with your granddaughters. Painful. Keep your peace to keep them close, they will value you even if she doesn’t. And find a friend or therapist to unload your frustrations on.