Estranged step daughter making contact

JenniferEccles

I am really struggling to see what you are so bothered about.
Surely it’s good news for your husband that his daughter has made contact and would like to meet him?
Yes she might have an agenda but on the other hand it could just purely and simply be that she wants to reconnect with her father.

Unless you know something about her that you haven’t mentioned, your animosity towards her does seem rather strange.

Her husband’s just had heart surgery. She’s understandably worried I would think.

Of course it’s lovely his daughter wants to see him, but no one can know her agenda for sure. If he was fit and well, it wouldn’t matter, but he isn’t.

I would be worried, and would want to wait a few months.

I am really struggling to see what you are so bothered about.
Surely it’s good news for your husband that his daughter has made contact and would like to meet him?
Yes she might have an agenda but on the other hand it could just purely and simply be that she wants to reconnect with her father.

Unless you know something about her that you haven’t mentioned, your animosity towards her does seem rather strange.

I think is lovely that this young woman has pherself out so much to start a renewed relationship with her bio logical father. Seems to me she has gone about very correctly, knowing her father' health to ask her Aunt to arrange that
meeting. No idea as to why the OP feels such anger. Surely, she has no feeling of insecurity in her relationship with her husband ,etc.
Personally, I would so happy to give full support to this meeting, and so look forward to meeting some step-grand children.

If you feel that strongly then stay away from your husbands daughter and don’t let your feelings interfere with his relationship with her.

She obviously went through the SIL because she knew what your reaction would be, so don’t blame the SIL.

I hope he is able to get to know his Grandchildren.

The relationship is initially between your husband and his daughter; she asked to meet him, and it is not your sister-in-law's place to intervene and involve you. You say you have met her six times, so there must have been some contact.
No doubt the daughter has been prompted by your husband's ill-health and nothing wrong with that; only to the good if they can be reconciled. You say you suspect her motives, insinuating some possibly financial claim on your husband, which is only fair.
To be honest, I suspect your motives.

My ex BIL walked out on his young children,even told them he wouldn't see them again becuase his new partner was pregnant with twins!! I know that even though they are now adults they missed their dad and wondered what THEY had done wrong .Sadly he died in his 50's so they never saw him again.
Let this young woman meet her dad ,Your son has had his father all his life dont deny her the dad she might think you took away from her .Show her you're happy for them to have the relationship they should have had ,or are you worried about your childs inheritance?

Her mother could have fed her so many lies over the years. Not saying she did, but I've often heard that from children estranged from parents that the one at home blamed the one who left for everything!
She could have grown up thinking her dad walked out on her, when in reality he left the wife for whatever reason, or she left him!
The mothers family could have had their say, too, as often happens.
Maybe she would just like a one on one to see how she's received, and she may become friendly to you after awhile!
But, I get the impression that YOU'RE going to be the problem not her and I'm sorry if I'm wrong.
Give the lass a chance, if not for her then for your husband who must have missed her so much over the years!!!

Good on you Shodg for taking the advice you asked for on board be the big person and support them in this if it goes well you may have a new and happy relationship if they don’t go well you ll be important to pick up the pieces
?

I was coming on here to post just as Nonogran has - perhaps having her own children is bringing old wounds or curiosities to the surface. Good luck - it might bring lovely new relationships your way eventually

I was wondering has her mum passed away and maybe she never free to meet her dad while her mum was involved. Just a thought.

A child deserves both parents however old they are. I can understand your initial upset and concern about motives but having children of her own might mean she actually has an emotional “need” to see her dad at this time of her life for all sorts of reasons.
It might not turn out to be as bad as you think. Step back and see what happens. Support your husband but keep out of it & keep a low profile. You might be pleasantly surprised.

shodg

Thank you for your replies. Sound advice to support and wait to see how DH feels when he meets up with his daughter. I was actually surprised at my strength of feeling when I found out about the arranged meeting. I think I felt excluded and that my sister in law had interfered and arranged the meeting in secret. You are right. Not my business until I’m asked to be involved . Thank you for all your replies.

Your reaction was human and good that you could have a bit of a rant on here, get some good advice and listen to it. After 40 years of marriage of course it is a relevant part of your relationship and an aspect where you can support your husband, as partners do!
Good Luck

All your responses have helped me. I’m going to distance myself for now and see what happens. Such a change in family dynamics will be challenging at 65. I’ll have to see if it’s something I can accept as it develops. Thanks again

I agree Iam and to be excluded from such an important event can't be easy.

Forty years of marriage or life partnership means shared experience and commitment. Posters who say it’s nothing to do with you seem to me to be forgetting what a 40 year relationship involves, additionally if there are children.

I think it is your business. You’ve been married to him for 40 years. The same as me and my husband. Admitted...he has no other history, being only 15 when we met!

Of course he should meet his daughter if he wants to. I’m sure he’ll be over the moon to meet his grandchildren. However, if it were me...I would tread carefully until he is well enough. This is where you come in...and have every right to.

I don’t think a few more months will make that much difference to his reconciliation, but it could to his health, if he goes in too quick.

It’s lovely his daughter wants contact. All the best.

shodg

Thank you for your replies. Sound advice to support and wait to see how DH feels when he meets up with his daughter. I was actually surprised at my strength of feeling when I found out about the arranged meeting. I think I felt excluded and that my sister in law had interfered and arranged the meeting in secret. You are right. Not my business until I’m asked to be involved . Thank you for all your replies.

It's a big change for you but I think as long as you keep your mind open and focus on supporting your husband, no matter what happens you have done the right thing

Hmmmmm, please dont read my words as harsh, its difficult when its just words typed out.

Im thinking there is some jealousy there when you say you don't want to meet up with your DH daughter, im guessing you may see it as interference in the relationship you have, like i say, its not written in a harsh manner x

This D was only a child when her parents split, so an awful lot of negative feelings will be there and despite all that has gone on, his D may be putting that to 1 side and want to build bridges.

Yes, there is room for scepticism there, its probably inevitable but i would keep my scepticism hidden and ask your DH how he feels, put his cards on the table and take it from there.

I hope it works out well for you too.

Your initial reaction is understandable and it's good that you felt able to talk about it here before saying anything to your DH, and take on board the responses you've had.

I also hope everything works out well for all concerned and wish you luck.

Hope it all works out well for you.
Good luck!

Thank you for your replies. Sound advice to support and wait to see how DH feels when he meets up with his daughter. I was actually surprised at my strength of feeling when I found out about the arranged meeting. I think I felt excluded and that my sister in law had interfered and arranged the meeting in secret. You are right. Not my business until I’m asked to be involved . Thank you for all your replies.

It's neither here nor there that you don't like the idea.
She is your husbands daughter, and it's for them to work out between them.

I don’t think you have the right to control your husbands relationship with his child unless he has asked you to intervene
You say you are very angry with your sister in laws but in your post you say the daughter asked the sister in law to act on her behalf, so why be so cross with the sister in law?
I don’t want any contact with his daughter you don’t need to have any contact it’s her father she wants to see
You say Why now ? Maybe the daughter has heard he’s been ill and does want to build bridges before it’s too late

I think go slowly is good advice and don’t insist on being part of it all unless your husband wants you there it’s really for him and her to build their bridges If he walked out on her it’s perhaps taken a while for her to want to see him and build a relationship I think you should keep out of it in the initial meetings and wait to be invited to join any meetings without jealousy or control

Good advice 62Granny especially about meeting the children in the first instance, just in case it doesn't go well or there aren't any future meetings.

'Phone contact to begin with is a good way of having boundaries which is a good thing for all concerned.