My grandkids and my ex husband's mistress

Again!

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Could PRIEST ADU and his amazing spells help me get back that ear ring that just slipped down the plug hole jasmin63446?

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You have every right to feel the way you do. Both your Ex husband and his now wife behaved appallingly and you were very much wronged.

But that is separate from your daughter’s relationship with her father and his now wife. Your daughter is in an awkward position that if she wants to see her own father, she has to put u with his wife. Other than asking that your paths do not cross and not to tell you anything about your ex and his wife, that’s all you can or should do so to keep your own relationship with your daughter and grandchildren. Please don’t make any more demands on your daughter. Best you just have the ex and his wife as a topic not for discussion.

I've been divorced for just over 20 years. Our children were still quite young and both of us made the decision not to give them reason to take sides. My ex subsequently re-married and I had no problem with her having contact with the children and even going on holiday. The only one who tried to pull me apart was my ex-MIL. Fast forward ... the children accept what happened, love both parents and they're well-balanced young adults. I still have to face it, if my daughter decides to get married because I really couldn't stand being in the same room as my ex-MIL. I've told my daughter to get married in secret somewhere remote!

Now, I'm in a different situation. My partner had an affair ten years ago and left his wife, who is still very bitter. This had nothing to do with me, by the way. I'm aware that I've only heard one side of the story and we've discussed it. I'm satisfied he's not a serial adulterer, but was in a marriage which was going wrong.

His ex-wife has told one of their sons that she doesn't want me to have any contact with the grandchildren, which has put the son in a very difficult position. Up to now, I've always made myself scarce when they visit, but my partner and I are planning to live together soon, so it's going to be difficult. The grandchildren call their grandmother "Nana" and I'm X. They just accept it, but the ex-wife can't.

My partner's son is getting married soon and I said right from the beginning that I didn't want to go to the wedding. I'm OK about it, but I don't know how much longer I can keep on being excluded. The ex-wife has called me something similar to "tramp" to one of the other children. The children jumped to my defence and, if anything, think less of their own mother. I feel in a very difficult position. I love their father and have tried to be "adult" about it all. I would love my partner to stop any form of contact with his ex, but that won't happen because she's the mother of his children and he still pays her (very generous) maintenance.

Just be careful Mariemal. Your children could end up cutting you off completely.

Calling another woman a tramp and judging her for her previous relationships is sexist and really unpleasant. I’m sorry you went through this, but you’re acting incredibly poorly.

Mariemal55 Some of us do understand the distress caused by unfaithful spouses who then seem to go on to live happily ever after with someone else. But what you have to remember is this man is your daughter's father and she needs to have a relationship with him that does not involve you or your emotions. That she has to view his wife as simply someone he has married and build a relationship based on how she feels about her and if she likes or dislikes her, not on your feelings. In the long run her father is going to die, when he does so she will look at his involvement in her life and question everything. If she sees you as having soured that relationship she may be upset with you and you may suffer. Step back now for your own sake.
And I do know what I am talking about. You may swear you will dance on your ex-husband's grave but when it actually happens you need to have a clear conscience and know that he behaved badly but you never did.

Sorry, I hadn't read your latest comment MarieMa. But I'm puzzled as to why your daughter has agreed to tell her father that she wants nothing to do with his new wife. Why are you calling all the tunes?

Surely, isn't it your daughters decision on the level of contact the other woman has with the children?

I do sympathise, Mariamal; I,ve been through it myself and I remember Esther Rantzen publicly laying claim to Desmond Wilcox's children; one of them spoke later about how much she detested it.
But your understandable bitterness is tearing you apart. It is bad that your husband has returned and appears to be intruding in your life with his current wife. You have to disassociate yourself as much as possible from what they are doing, but don't try to make your daughter'agree not to have anything to do with the wife; it will very likely rebound on you. Leave her to make her own decisions and she will judge for herself; divorced children generally do as they remember the one who was there for them when it mattered.

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I would suggest more counselling. The new wife was not the sole cause of your divorce, and you need to be able to understand that and move forward. by hanging onto anger you are causing a rift between your daughter and yourself. It sounds like you are forcing your daughter to refuse to see her father's wife, making her choose between her father and yourself. That's not fair and ultimately will reflect most badly on you. Sorry that sounds harsh, but hanging onto anger is not healthy.

Not long gone just chose not to respond.
Councelling is the general advice. Been there, done that and until the latest events, I believed it had been successful.
Watching some 3x previously married (all divorces) tramp living life exactly as my husband and I had planned it, was one thing. Having her publicly, as in a national newspaper article, claim to be a grandmother (she has no children of her own) just tipped me over the edge again.
If my ex had married someone not in volved in the cause of our breakup, I could happily follow some of the advice given.
You are right, I didn't like a lot of the advice offered as it obviously came from people who had not experienced the situation themselves and were offering cliched advice.
My situation remains ongoing. My daughter has agreed to tell her father she wants nothing to do with his new "wife". Time will tell how that will work out.
Thank you to all for your responses.

Trying hard but sadly he pushes for her to be part of everything.

Oh I didn't notice sodapop
I must say it gives an insight into how some people feel even after 11 years
I once had an encounter with a stranger on a train who was so full of bitterness and resentment over her ex. I made up my mind never to be like that!

I think the OP is long gone as this thread dates back to February. The poster was not impressed with advice given then.

Indeed you sound very bitter MarieMal is it because the ex and his demon woman are moving closer? Suddenly it's flared up again.
I haven't the same experience but a df does and she became very angry when her DD, having been abandoned by her dad as a small child, wanted to make friends with him now that she has grown and has children.
In their case, ex lives a long way off and she, my df sees her DGC everyday and they love her.
Make the best of what you have is my advice. You can never make someone suffer as you have. No one can feel your pain or your happiness.

Lots of children have 2 Grannies, Nana's, Grandma's - sometimes both called same thing, sometimes not.

I don't think a name matters as much as a relationship - and obviously children can have good grandparent relationships with more than 1 person.

If your daughter has contact with her father then his wife will have contact with the children - and surely that is better for the children if it is a positive relationship.
Obviously they can still have a positive relationship with you too. It isn't a competition.

I agree with other posters who suggested counselling - if you are having difficulty coping with this.
You can't change the reality of them being together or expect them not to have contact with your daughter or her children.
You can only learn to move forward - sounds like you are still stuck in the hurt and anger from a decade ago.
If you can't move forward on your own, seek professional help to do so - for your own happiness and your own family relationships.

If they are that keen for her to be called Granny, could she be called Granny Jane?

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