My grandkids and my ex husband's mistress

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I have been in a similar situation, except when my daughter got married everyone, new wife as well, all came to the wedding and we had a lovely day. My daughter choose to have my 2nd husband give her away but the ex was fine about it and understood. Don’t hold on to resentment it will eat away at you and as it’s been 11 years it is time to let go. I look back at my first marriage and know the reason why he went with another woman, I was just independent for him.. maybe you could just forgive and get on with life, your daughter will always be close to you after all you are mum and you will be number 1 granny.

There are so many mixed up families these days and the world abounds with step parents, step grandparents, step children, etc. A little bit of tolerance is needed. You can still be a loving grandmother to your grandchildren and they will know who their real grandmother is as they grow older. For your own sake, let go of this bitterness. Life's too short.

This is a tough one...My soon to be x also had an affair for over 2 years 6 years on?(total 8) is still with her...somehow I have managed to let it go ...accepting that our marriage wasnt happy and that there were issues on both sides.I feel that My X isnt completely bad so I'm sure there must be some good in his current partner .. being able to accept that has taken the sting out of it for Me...
I have now started looking after My Grandchild once a week which involves her spending time with My Partner but we call him by his name not Grandad

Did you ask for a divorce or did he?
Did you ask/tell your daughter not to allow her to be at the wedding?
Does your daughter have any sort of relationship with her?
In all fairness, it's up to your daughter & her partner if your ex-husbands present wife has anything to do with their child, and what she may be called by the child!!
It sounds like YOU are putting your daughter and family in a difficult position, and that could backfire on you!!!

Peacelily321

A few people have used the phrase 'move on' but I think it's more helpful to say 'process this'. You quite rightly experienced a trauma through this man being unfaithful and deceitful....for two years! That's awful. He is awful.
I think maybe you are carrying a burden of shame over what happened and you are trying to deflect that deep sense of unrecognised shame by objectifying the other woman as the homewrecker. But actually, perhaps your shadow side believes you are the homewrecker, for making him leave. That's a very hard place to be in and that must really hurt. No wonder you're angry. I would be too.
They say that 'criticism is actually an unmet need' and anger is a sign of a boundary crossed. What needs do YOU have that have not been met? What boundary within your code of honour was crossed?
Give yourself the right to process all of this with a really good counsellor. Thousands of people have been in your situation. It can manifest as an identity crisis, complex PTSD, abandonment anger, a whole range of feelings and ALL OF THEM are valid and real.
Anger is actually love, it's anger at what's been lost. The opposite of love is indifference, the feeling of no longer caring. That's the place you need to reach and you deserve to reach it. You are a remarkable person just as you are. Don't let a sense of shame cloud you or harm you.
You absolutely deserve peace.
From my heart, I wish you the very best of luck should you be a brave lady who goes on that journey back to YOU and all the good things you know you are.

Hang on a minute. You’re saying it’s this woman’s fault that her husband left her for someone else and what she’s suffering from is guilt? Have I got this right? Have you gone through a painful divorce yourself? Do you realise how insensitive your comments are?

A few people have used the phrase 'move on' but I think it's more helpful to say 'process this'. You quite rightly experienced a trauma through this man being unfaithful and deceitful....for two years! That's awful. He is awful.
I think maybe you are carrying a burden of shame over what happened and you are trying to deflect that deep sense of unrecognised shame by objectifying the other woman as the homewrecker. But actually, perhaps your shadow side believes you are the homewrecker, for making him leave. That's a very hard place to be in and that must really hurt. No wonder you're angry. I would be too.
They say that 'criticism is actually an unmet need' and anger is a sign of a boundary crossed. What needs do YOU have that have not been met? What boundary within your code of honour was crossed?
Give yourself the right to process all of this with a really good counsellor. Thousands of people have been in your situation. It can manifest as an identity crisis, complex PTSD, abandonment anger, a whole range of feelings and ALL OF THEM are valid and real.
Anger is actually love, it's anger at what's been lost. The opposite of love is indifference, the feeling of no longer caring. That's the place you need to reach and you deserve to reach it. You are a remarkable person just as you are. Don't let a sense of shame cloud you or harm you.
You absolutely deserve peace.
From my heart, I wish you the very best of luck should you be a brave lady who goes on that journey back to YOU and all the good things you know you are.

Yes, but they weren't married to the op.

Women commit adultery too. They make the same commitments duringthe marriage ceremony as their husband's do.

snowberryZ

^He forfeited the joy of grandchildren and will never know the great granddaughter due in June this year.^

You sound rather pleased about that outcome. Like you think it's the ultimate punishment for his former actions.
I find that sad and kind of bitter.
There may be some satisfaction in the knowledge that a wayward spouse will never get to see their grandchildren, all because of something they did x amount of years ago.
But ultimately its the chldren who miss out in the long run.
They are missing out on having extra people in their lives. Extra people who have the potential to love them.

It sounds like he was completely absent, so it is a fact that he forfeited the joy of his grandchildren and great grandchildren, that was a choice he made. My children haven't missed out on a Grandfather as my Stepdad took my biological Father's place (and he has been bloody good at it ) Not everyone situations are the same.

Mariemal had 11 years when her husband left her for another woman and although devastated, she didn't have the pain of having to see them together. Now they are returning to the vicinity and the husband has asked his ex-wife to respect his marriage, (does he mean accept?) and apparently indicated they intend to be hands-on grandparents.
That is opening up the wound all over again. She clearly does care and although her bitterness is destroying her and has to be confronted, it is deeply unfair. Yet one more thing to have to accept, and 'get on with it',
Mariemal has to accept the marriage, but equally the second wife has to accept she is not and never will be, grandma.
I do hope the daughter is sensitive to this situation.

Yes. But we don’t have to put on a brave face and face those hurts. You can compartmentalise things and get on with your life. Having her ex’s partner moving back into her life will reopen old wounds. If I came face to face with the woman my husband left me for I don’t know how I would feel. At the time I used to shake uncontrollably for hours afterwards. Not helped by the fact that she moved to a house just a few yards from our family home. And I still had to try to hide it from our children.

I don't know how married men can have affairs.
They are the ones coming home to their wives and children.
They are the ones who have promised to forsake all others.
It happens though...
We all carry around unbearably painful hurts, but we have to learn how to pack them in a box, so we can carry on with some sort of life.

Carrying such a heavy burden is bound to damage us more in the long run.

You don’t stoke the flames of the hurt. But neither can you put the flames out. I don’t know how anyone can have an affair with a married man that has children. I wouldn’t do it myself.

So, you can either keep stoking the flames of the hurt, or resign yourself to the fact and get on with it.
To put it starkly, those are the options.

I think a lot of people on here are offering advice but have no idea what it’s like being in a marriage where your husband is having an affair. Believe me it cuts right through to your heart and it’s a wound that never heals. Thankfully my husband is now in a relationship with someone else so I don’t have to deal with the woman that accused me of being a bad wife who then, when she had my husband, cheated on him with someone else. My husband gave no thought to our children when he was having the affair: as he said ‘it’s nothing to do with the children’ so I had to do my best to protect them. It is truly awful. Even if you ‘move on from it’ the hurt never goes away. And I will never forgive someone that caused my children pain.

i wonder what prince williams children call camilla ?
? granny camel ?

Mariema, I am in a similar position, and was quite angry and bitter. Time has mellowed me. The family do see him and his “wife” together. We attended the children’s weddings - ( I am single, my choice), but I was given a seat at the “top” table, while they sat at the relatives’ table.
The only gripe I have is that the little grandkids call her “Nanny” - but my daughter’s children have always called her by her first name.
Life’s too short - enjoy what you have !

If nothing can stop that horrible feeling, OP is self condemning herself to be bitter instead of enjoying life.

Infidelity is a horrible thing, it doesnt mean a person is stuck in that cycle and unable to move on for decades

Yes it is welbeck, but nothing can stop the sheer anguish that, in this case, Mariemal55 is feeling, its a horrible feeling.

but it is entirely up to the baby's parents who/if they meet and spend time with.
no one else gets to decide, including GPs.

I understand totally with your anguish over all this for the simple reason I have been there with my first husband, in my case it was this woman taking on the title of Mum No 2.

I am not going to go into detail with it all but i just wanted to say i FULLY understand, i wore the shoes you are now wearing ( as uncomfortable as they are !!!)
X

She might have gained a foothold with your then husband but to then move on to your GC ! Whoaaaaaa no it aint happening.

She is his wife not 'wife' and she is a Gradmum married to a Grandfather. He broke the marriage, usually there are reasons to the break apart the mistress. Best to forget you XH and his wife, be content with your life.

Ggc

"He forfeited the joy of grandchildren and will never know the great granddaughter due in June this year."

Assuming he values the joy of gc and gc