My grandkids and my ex husband's mistress

He forfeited the joy of grandchildren and will never know the great granddaughter due in June this year.

You sound rather pleased about that outcome. Like you think it's the ultimate punishment for his former actions.
I find that sad and kind of bitter.
There may be some satisfaction in the knowledge that a wayward spouse will never get to see their grandchildren, all because of something they did x amount of years ago.
But ultimately its the chldren who miss out in the long run.
They are missing out on having extra people in their lives. Extra people who have the potential to love them.

I think sometimes it is very hard to acknowledge tht you made a mistake and the man you loved was a complete shit. Much easier to blame the other woman.

Why is she labelled the homewrecker?
Was your ex husband entirely blameless?

Never understand this way of thinking

Agree with Hithere

If people wish I'll feeling on you the absolute best revenge is to be happy and they hate that lol

The best revenge, OP, if you want to think it like that, is to be happy.

You are doing the opposite. Please do not waste your life

When my ex left me, I didn't regard the other woman as having stolen him. He it was who broke up our marriage. This was over 30 years ago and they are still together about 6000 miles away. My sons, who are now older and far more mature than their father was when he left, haven't seen them for many years though he has managed to master the technology to Skype them occasionally. I got on with my life after he left and became 'my own woman' again. He forfeited the joy of grandchildren and will never know the great granddaughter due in June this year. Please stop punishing yourself with bitter resentment. You have a life to live. If your daughter wishes to share her children with her father, so be it.

She’s not his mistress, she’s his wife.

11 years is a long time to let such poison eat away at you.
Your ex husband behaved badly, but if you continue to let this bitterness rule your relationships it risks damaging the ones you really love. Your daughter and grandchildren.
Your daughter has the right to have a relationship with him without feeling guilty that she’s hurting you. I feel for her. My Grandma was bitter like this towards my Grandad and Mum suffered her whole life as a result. Hate and anger really are poisonous. It certainly coloured how we as her Grandchildren thought of her, someone who hurt and ruled our Mum.
I think the idea of counselling is a good one because you need to find closure otherwise you could end up very lonely.

I think being cheated on is so incredibly painful and that pain can linger for a long time.

However, the anger you hold towards this woman will damage you and damage the relationship your daughter and grandchildren have with your ex husband.

It's never right to cheat in a marriage, especially for a long time like that but it is not that some evil thing comes and takes them away, it is his unhappiness or insecurity that drove him to cheat.

He was not a good husband to you and awful as it is to accept that doesn't mean he isn't to someone else. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, just that the two of you weren't right for each other..

It's not too late to get some counselling and find a way to let these feelings go so that you can move on and find happiness in your own life

What does your daughter want?
You don't really get any say at all in who is a grandparent to her child.

Your title says it all maria she is not your ex husbands mistress, she is your ex husbands wife It didn’t work out for you and to preserve your life you have to move on I do have a lot of empathy for you but you are ruining your own life and is he worth it He was obviously not right for you, or your marriage had had it’s time, not all marriages last for ever He obviously wasn’t the man you thought he was but you have hung onto the idea that she stole him for 11 long years No one can steal a person who doesn’t want to be stolen it was a mutual act and they are still together 11 years on
It’s heartbreaking if you have invested so much more than him but move on you are only making yourself unhappy and expecting other family members around you to choose between you
Please consider some counselling you are totally stuck

Fleur, what a lovely, kind empathetic post. So much good advice written there. I hope it helps you Mariemal.

Wow! ?. You said your grandchild mean the world to you. That's the key ingredient, your grandchildren. If you have a healthy relationship with your grandchildren's parents you are half way in the game. The other half is how your grandchildren see you. I get it. It's frustrating. It's painful seeing someone living the life that was supposed to be yours for life. It did not happen. She is his wife now but YOU ARE your grandchildrens birth grandmother and are welcomed into their life. Enjoy the privilege and show your genuine love for them by not letting your emotions over something you can not control end up coming between you and your grandchildren yourself. Trust me, they will see who is the genuine gramma and they will gravitate to you. But, if you let your emotions and past hurts get in the way you could create your own issues with them.

I know a little how narcissistic people behave. My son's ex is one. She gave birth to my granddaughter. She tries to guilt me into doing extra care for my grandchild by saying she will ask her own narcissistic mother. I just say "okay" now. Because I have been down that road of resentment and jealousy for fear my grandchild would not spend enough time with me and enjoy me. That never happened. The other gram only offers to try take my granddaughter to make me jealous or her look grand. My grandaughter adores me and prefers me. I know this and am never jealous when she goes there. Frankly it nice to have another grandparent as an extra for my own personal call-out times. My granddaughters mom gets the break she wants if I am gone for a while and I don't feel guilty. Lately I wish the other gram helped more because I am tired from my little ones terrible threes year old antics and we often have her for a few days straight.
So be careful what you wish for in the future. You can't change the past but you can make the present and future brighter for your grandkids and you and their parents.

OP, I get you and understand what you mean, how you feel. However, the current course of action you’re proposing will only hurt you and your relationship with your daughter and GC.

Perhaps be ho eat with your daughter that you very much don’t want to have anything to do with your EXH and his new wife, do t want to know about them. Nothing.

If you have no reason to talk with your EXH, then don’t say anything. Don’t have anything to do with him.

1. She is his wife, not "wife"
2. She is not a homewrecker, your husband is
3. Your dd will decide if she is grandma or not. Nothing you can do if your dd decides something you do not like
4. Concentrate on the relationship with your dd.
Your hatred for your ex-husband new wife is very apparent, don't let it ruin everything else around you

Mariemal55

Yes and I will afford her marriage the same respect she afforded mine.

Oh dear. You do sound bitter. Why have you not moved on and made a life of your own without him? It sounds as though you feel unable to behave in a pleasant manner when he is there with his wife, which is unfair to DD and her family. Time to let go of the past and rcognise the relationship DD has with your ex is none of your business.

Toot la meme chose

Fleur that is a very kind post.

Oh my dear... life is so very short.
You are letting what happened a long long time ago steal your life.
Your husband betrayed you, broke your heart, broke your family.
I understand that, for reasons I will not go into on this forum.
If you feel you want or need "revenge", let that be you having a happy fulfilled life...for the rest of your life.
But to do that.. you have to let this go.. what has happened has happened.. so be it... move on. Nothing, NOTHING, you can possibly do will change what happened.
Do not let this anger and bitterness skew your outlook.. poison all the relationships that really DO matter to you.

You have good things in your life and your future... let them take precendence... prioritise the positive.. riches many folk do not and will never have.
Take care.

Is t she your ex-husband’s wife or have I missed something?

I think you could do with some professional support to enable you to get on with your life in a dignified way. It’s neither normal nor healthy to have harboured this hatred for so long and perhaps might be an indication of why your ex-husband felt the need to look elsewhere.

Very good post from MOnica
And before anyone says I don’t understand/ haven’t experienced it I discovered my ex husband’s mistress, who happened to be one of our employees hiding in my house.

easybee did you read the words that immediately followed your quote from my post they were^Deeply upsetting and troubling for you,^

We do not know who caused the breakdown of the marriage, it could have been the OP's behaviour that drove her husband out of the house and into the arms of another women.

My grandchildren have about five supernumerary grandparents, as some one called them, thanks to various remarriages, and three true grandparents, and I am the only one who sees them frequently. The non- blood relatives are called by their first names, and whilst my GCs get on well with them all, they have only one Granny.
I long ago learnt to accept what had happened. My adult children find their father’s wife incredibly rude and outspoken but they accept her as his wife. It is perfectly possible to move on. I am sure your family will work things out for themselves, so you are the one who is letting this spoil your life. Let go!

I think people underestimate how difficult some divorces can be. The OP has said he walked out and had hardly anything to with their daughter, that is hurtful in so many ways and difficult to let go of. I do agree though OP that you need to have strategies to deal with this. Go and talk to your GP, they may be able to offer you some counselling through the wellbeing service. You don't need to like your ex husband or his wife and hopefully you wont even have to see them too much.