My grandkids and my ex husband's mistress

11 years is such a long time to hold such bitterness which in the long run only harms you I agree with sodapop you have to find a way of letting it go No one would expect you to be friends although it has been known…. but you seem to only blame her (the home wrecker) but it’s your husband that betrayed you … and yes I have been betrayed too so I know what I m talking about
You’re husband has been with her 11 years plus so she wasn’t just a passing fancy that he betrayed you with for a passionate fling perhaps they are more suited that you were
It’s very very difficult and I do feel for you but your bitterness will hurt you more than them so learn to be the bigger person for your sake and your daughters

I had the impression that it was the prospect of your 2nd wife wanting your grandchildren to call her Granny that was the last straw. I would expect your daughter to understand that. And just as you need to accept that she is now your former husband’s wife she needs to accept that she is not the grandmother of his g’children. Some affectionate nickname based on her first name should fit the bill and not cause comment from others.

At 220 kms I doubt they will be around day to day but yes certainly they will be visiting a bit more I should think. Everything to do with your DD and GC is up to them don't go there and don't ask about when the ex is visiting. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of wasting your precious time on him.
As others have said if at sometime in the future you find yourself face to face you should smile say a few words and leave it at that.

Rather insensitive, Monica.
It was not the great domestic tragedy of the century, it was an ordinary marriage breakup.
No such thing as an ordinary marriage break-up to the person concerned, and it was a tragedy for her. With a death, one can usually turn to the loved one for support, but not in the case of a divorce; the loved one is seeking consolation elsewhere, doubly painful. So much is changed: loss of security, status, friends, companionship, home, at the same time as additional responsibilities and worry. Deserted wives do cope because they have no alternative, but there is not nearly so much support for them as there is for the bereaved.
And some husbands do flaunt their new wives, or they flaunt themselves; I've seen it at weddings, christenings, school events and family affairs.
Mariemal's problem is that she is blaming the other woman for the marriage breakdown when it is her husband who is to blame, and she is only damaging herself with this bitterness.
But a little more sympathy from what Bridget Jones so aptly named the 'smug marrieds' wouldn't go amiss.

You feel what you feel. It’s hard (impossible?) to change our feelings, although we can allow them to be changed by time.

But I’m afraid you’re going to have to fake it. If you allow this bitterness and negativity to show, then you will be the person who sees less f your daughter and grandchildren.

The truth is people want to spend time with happy people.

Why did you think moving away would solve anything? You’d just see less of them.

I hope it wasn’t a kind of threat If you see your stepmother you won’t see me.…..

marriemal55 I am afraid you are living in a fantasy world where wicked women steal away the husbands of other innocent goodwives and then flaunt them in public. Does your ex-husband twirl his moustache while his wife flaunts her fishnets under a full red skirt?

The truth is actually quite banal. Men and women are unfaithful in their relationships for all kinds of reasons. some justified, some not, many of these affairs lead to divorce and in many cases the adulterous couples marry and build new families. of course the person left alone and deserted is going to be deeply upset, but they need gradually to get going again and get on with life.

What is happening to you is what is and has happened to millions of couples and when second marriages take place and grandchildren are born to the children of the first marriage, second wives and second husbands are accepted as supernumary grandparents.

I assume you have not remarried, but if you had wouldn't you want your second husband to be accpeted by your children and grand children.

You need to accept that your divorce happened over 10 years ago. It was not the great domestic tragedy of the century, it was an ordinary marriage breakup. Deeply upsetting and troubling for you, but just as with other of life's tragedy, the death of someone close to you, or becoming estranged from your children, you learn to cope with the sadness and grief.

Your ex-husband are this child's grandfather. He loves them as much as you do and you just have to accept that his wife will be your DGC's step-grandmother.

While we can all sympathise, it really is only you who can deal with how you feel about this. The facts are that your husband broke his marriage vows, and then, to his credit, he stayed with, and eventually married his mistress, he is not a man who has had multiple shallow affairs, causing distress and heartache wherever he goes. Please don't make it difficult for your DD, she may want her Father to be involved with his grandchild. Only you can deal with this, and being 200km away makes in unlikely you will bump into your ex in Waitrose. Enjoy your grandchild, and your relationship with your daughter, you have had her to yourself for the past 11 years, perhaps it is not unreasonable to have to occasionally accept that she will spend time with her Father.

You are angry at the wrong person, your husband made vows to you, not his now-wife. He chose to have an affair with her and to marry her.

You are denying your daughter and her family a proper relationship with her father and his wife as she will know how bitter you are about it.

You are hurting yourself with this hatred, they are happily married and living life. It is time to move on you are wasting your life, you cannot go back to how it was. Have you tried professional help?

Sorry you are still so bitter and resentful about your ex husband's wife Mariemal55 you will continue to be unhappy and make your family unhappy unless you can let go of this. Life is too short believe me.

Oh dear.
You haven't listened to anybody.

Yes and I will afford her marriage the same respect she afforded mine.

When I got divorced I had some sessions with a counsellor with the aim of making it as amicable as it could be. I was very reluctant at the time to allow my children to stay with the woman my ex was living with . The counsellor asked if I was afraid of losing the children to her as she had 'taken' my husband and said I should realise no one could replace me in their lives. I think you probably have similar fears about this woman. She might have a role in their lives, but if she does it doesn't have to change yours. Make it clear to your ex and your DD that you have no intention of attending family gatherings with them because there is no reason you should mix with them unless you want to. Tell your DD that it is her choice how she chooses to deal with them and if she wants to have contact you don't mind. Then let them get on with it and enjoy your grandchild.

Not the same situation at all, but my ex's second wife caused a lot of problems for me when she and my ex got together. Consequently, there was a huge rift between ex and our DD at the time and of course, I had nothing to do with her.

Moving on 15/20 years (don't remember exactly how long), his wife is a really lovely 2nd granny to my DGS. She's nice to my DD. I do still have in the back of my mind how hard she made things for me back then, but the person she is today is nothing like that, so I'm chosing to put it behind me.

From my perspective, the more people that love my DGS the better. We have a tiny family, so he doesn't have a lot of relatives. I'm glad he has her and my ex and loves them. I'm not part of their relationship but I'm happy for them.

I understand how you feel Mariemal55 my daughters, at the time 8 and 17, had it hard also as we had to change countries. Their father stayed in China with her for 15 years I only pushed them to go to his wedding. She wasn’t present at our eldest’s wedding although was at a hotel. They came back here for 5 years and put their child into the school where I was working. I don’t know if she visited my grandchildren while they were here. I didn’t ask. They now live in Canada, which is easier for me which I realize is not in your case. Your daughter loves you and he is her father. I know it hurts even though it’s years ago but let your daughter decide for her sake. Try to do your best to support her decision as you never want it to be ´it’s me or her’ situation.

Mariemal55

I think you know the advice is going to be along the lines of "move on". I suspect you've probably already been told that by your friends and acquaintances.

It's hard not to feel bitter about betrayal - you invest everything in another human being, and then they deceive you. Who wouldn't feel angry and resentful?

Your ex was as much a 'homewrecker' as the other woman.

But for you own sanity and wellbeing - and certainly for the wellbeing of your daughter and grandchild - you have to let go of these destructive feelings at some point.

Your ex's wife is now part of his life and therefore will be part of your daughter's and grandchild's, that's inevitable. But you are the mother and the grandmother, and nothing's going to change that fact.

Difficult as it is - try to rise above the resentment, and reach your own full potential as a human being. You don't have to be familiar or 'friends' with your ex or his wife - just civil and polite. That will make you the better person. That's how you have to 'move on'. What is the alternative? A life full of recrimination will not make you happy, and it will certainly be traumatic for your daughter and grandchild. Don't waste any more of your life with negativity - we're only here for a short time, make the most of what you have, and build a loving relationship with your grandchildren. Your ex's wife will only ever be a surrogate 'grandmother' and, as long as she's kind to the children, that's all that really maters.

I wish you the best outcome.

Concentrate on your relationship with your grandchildren and make it as good as you can. As they grow up they will, I hope, work out who really cares about them and who wants to be the centre of attention (I had an aunt like that!).

Our GD has 2 sets of step-grandparents. I know that one set, at least, respect our relationship with her, for which I respect them. Neither set, as far as I know, want to be called by grandparent names, just their first names.

I’m sorry but it is up to your daughter, you will just have to grit your teeth and keep smiling. Don’t let the new wife make you look bad.

BTW it was your husband who broke your marriage, no man can be persuaded to leave a marriage if they are happy. Of course you will always get the husbands who mess around, but it sounds as though your ex and his wife are pretty solid.
It will be tough but you can do it.

She’s his wife, not his mistress, and she is your children’s stepmother. You need to re-think the language you are using, recast how you see things, and move on.

It’s 220 km

I am sorry your marriage broke down, however, I think you are being silly on several counts.

2000 km is not close by.

It takes two to tango. Why is she the 'homewrecker'? Why call her the 'wife'? She IS his wife as you were his 'wife'.

It is a painful situation but you have to maintain your dignity at all costs; it will sustain you. Don't try and influence your daughter's relationship with her father; he has maintained contact despite having moved away; how she responds to his wife and her relationship with her child is her and her husband's decision.
Do not even consider moving away. What would that achieve?
I was in a similar situation; the other woman thought she was going to be my children's best friend/stepmother but my children (young teenagers at the time) both made it very clear that they did not want that; they did not care for her as she obstructed their relationship with their father, which is now civil but distant. I tried very hard not to criticise them to my children, having seen the damage it wrought on the 'divorced' children I taught. I was rewarded recently when my son said he was glad 'I never slagged Dad off' like some of his friends' divorced parents did or tried to make them take sides. Neither of my children have any illusions about their father and his second wife.
Try and keep your feelings to yourself and do not put any pressure on your daughter; she will know you were unhappy at the break-up of your marriage and hopefully be sensitive to your feelings. Be civil to your ex-husband and wife if you have to see them and keep your distance.

I agree with Hetty58 you need to let this go now for the sake of your family. It's interesting that you seem to totally blame the woman concerned, your ex husband was at fault too.
You are making yourself and others unhappy with all the resentment, perhaps it would be good to talk things through with a professional. It's not easy I know Mariemal but you need to move on now.

I have been in your situation and I completely understand your feelings. However you do have to push these feelings down for the sake of your relationship with your daughter and grandchild. My ex and the other woman were invited to my daughter's wedding, although her brother walked her down the aisle. Only ex went to the wedding and left after the meal. I was gracious and shook his hand in the reception line, despite how I felt. I did this for my daughter. So ultimately bite your lip, don't ask when she sees them both and block him. I would avoid being at their house at the same time as you so ask your daughter to give you warning. Family social events might be difficult but surround yourself with people who love you and can distract you. My ex has moved on from the 'other' woman and rarely sees his grandchildren. He never attends family events like birthday parties or christenings and he and his new partner will never have the close relationship that I do with my grandchildren and children. That is all the vindication I need. Fake it til you make it.

'Lost my husband to divorce', never heard it put that way before.
11 years ago is a long time and I know it can take forever to
get over but get over it you must. I had a similar experience
when the ex's girlfriend arrived on the scene and it upset me
as well so you have my sympathies, it is painfull.
Fortunately for me the Adult Children sidestepped and avoided interaction with the couple. I remained silent on the issue and
after 6 years the relationship fizzled out. phew.
Your daughter is the one who suffers the most. I envy divorced
people who can stay civil.

I have PM'd you.