Unequal gift

Well, I have a mixed story to tell. I am the eldest in my family of 4, although I was 20 when my youngest sister was born and already living away from home. So both my parents are quite bright but had very difffering backgrounds. From a very young age it was recognised that I was very bright but it was not seen as something good. Much more the pressure was put on. So anything I did wrong I was told off but also it would be added that "someone of my intelligence should not have done /said this" I would also be told to take my sister and brother to various things and was made responsible for them and what they did. So again if they did something wrong they were told off but I was also hauled over the coals becauseI "should have realized " etc. So moving on to more adult times , I have always felt that I am constantly judged about what I did and what I chose to do and that I could have always done better. I would spend time worrying about possible problems in a situation, to try and avoid them before they happened. I had a strong sense of justice and was very honest and would argue with my parents about things like time to be home etc . My next sister was 2 years younger and extremely bright. She told me when she was about 14, and this was not in an arrogant manner but just the truth as she saw it, why argue just let them think you are doing what they want and just do what you choose and ignore them. When I said that is not right or truthful she replied "why should I worry what people who are less intelligent think? " Whilst I was very shocked about that I can see that all her life she has been less anxious or depressed or upset , she does not try to argue her corner but just goes her own sweet way. My youngest sister actually changed both her christian name and surname. So I have lived abroad and done a variety of things by my own hard work and never had anything from them. In later life they told me that they were leaving all the money to my brother as he was going to build a bungalow on his property for them. At the time I was divorced with very little money. For a short time I was absolutely furious, bitter, and angry as I felt that I had had a much harder childhood than the others and that they had used me in a way and yet now I was not considered. So I have kept a good relationship with my sisters and brother and do not resent him, because it was there idea and not his. I always felt that I mattered less and when I had cancer and was in hospital and friends and others came to see me, my parents didnt come for 4 days after my operation and stated that they could not let people down as they had committed to something. That was the finish for me and I stopped trying to be good enough or please them and it has been great as has taken a great deal of misery and worry from my shoulders. What I have now I have earned by myself and owe nothing to them at all so am not beholden to them. I had 30 wonderful years with the most wonderful second husband and knew what it was like to be truly loved and while I may never have a lot of material goods I have had much happiness from my beloved Granny who I knew loved me and from my lovely husband so that when they died and did not leave me anything it really did not matter and I was rather like my sister in that I thought I am intelligent enough to have a good life with the people I love and you can give your goods to who you like things dont matter and genuinly feel that is true and I do not have to be thankful to them for anything. In the meantime my husband had a daughter and I had a son and our trust and love in each other knew that we would be fair, so that whoever survived would live in the house etc and then the estate would be precisely split in two. I shall keep that promise, both because it is fair and because the love my husband and I had deserves to be honoured. Both of them know that is what is arranged already and that they will be treated equally. When he was very ill both of them came to see him and got together and they treat each other as brother and sister and that is what we wanted and I am glad that my son will have a sister - family when I die. I wouldnt have swapped the life I had with my husband for a million pounds and I rarely think about it , but the great thing is that I am in touch with brother and sisters and we have not let our parents attitude spoil our bonds and that I think is more important. It is true that it is your money or goods and you have every right to do as you please, but even if it seems a twisted viewpoint to others what is really far more important as someone else has said it is the lying and deceit that will eat away at everyone. The damage is done but if the parents were able to speak calmly and explain why they had chosen to behave in this way , it might help, or if they would write a letter explaining their reasons it may provide some reason or understanding which can help to diminish the hurt, however personally I would definitely feel insulted to be lied to or ignored . Some people were brought up not to speak about money et c but either way, if they had said nothing to any of the children and they would only find out on the death of the parents, or whether they get them together and say look this is what we plan and why , but to tell one and lie to another is the absolute depths as far as I perceive it, so I think you are totally entitled to feel saddened and angry and any other feelings . If these feeling stay with you, I would definitely see if you could see a councellor or phycologist , who may be able to help you to process all the feelings and find out which are the most important feelings and what you need to do to put yourself in charge of them and to be able to decide what is right for y ou. If you love your brother and apart from this situation then telling him how you feel but making definite concrete efforts to stay in touch, enjoy some things together and not let your parents ruin an important connection for you. I would think my parents had caused far more harm if I had not been able to keep in touch with my siblings. We did not allow them to be in control of that and as the years have gone, the hurt to a certain extent has gone, but I still feel that I was used as the eldest andyet sort of chucked to one side when then did not need me later. So one of the things I have done myself and also advised people to do when they have an important decision to make and not sure. Take a piece of paper and put all the good things that come from the situation i.e. you and your brother may become closer and plan things together etc , on another piece of paper put all the bad things and fold them over each time you add something. Put them away for about a month and then get them out and look at them and you will see a pattern emerging and it may help you to decide what you want to do. It is rather extreme , but to be able to sit there and decide if you will bother to speak to them again or not, or if you will change your name, or move away and not give them your address. They are quite extreme ideas I would say and probably not what you will end up doing but it does give you the power over your own life to know that YOU will be the one who decides on your own way of life not others. Once you have that feeling, believe me , no one can ever really hurt you to that extent again. When some other crisis turns up you will remember this time and how you dealt with it and recognise how strong you are and how you can make your own decisions. I do believe that so long as you are not hurting other people you do have the right to live life they way you choose, not be shoved into patterns by others. I do hope that I have not gone on too long but thought you might see some of the parallels of our lives and that youwill feel that you DO have choices about your own life. You may not be able to influence someone elses life, and may not want to either , but knowing that you are free to chose your own path is very powerful for me. I wish you good luck and in the meantime I recommend making some bread. ! You cant beat it for wonderful thumping and banging about and you end up with lovely bread to eat in a calmer manner! Every best wish in your future.

I understand completely how you feel,but do not say anything,it will hurt your relationships for ever,maybe they are leaving you personal items,rings etc in the future——- your feelings are bound to be hurt.I’m leaving my 4 children the same amount as I know how hurt you feel when it is not like that,so maybe you will make sure your will is made.

You mention a 'lifelong feeling of resentment.'
This would seem to be the main issue here, rather than the present event.
I think you have a clear choice. You either come clean about your lifelong feeling of having been treated less favourably than your bro, and talk it through with the family, or you ditch the resentment and accept that people are different and can see things differently.
I have twin daughters, btw, who I tried to treat with scrupulous fairness from birth. One has always believed she was discriminated against and it has made her bitter.
This is a great sadness for me.

Gigil1975 If it's any comfort at all, I would feel exactly the same as you, just because you made good decisions and tried hard it feels like you are losing out because of that. I don't suppose there's anything you can do about it, just be glad that you are secure and are getting something, but I really understand why you will be burning up. It should be 50/50 despite arguments.

From where I stand I think that although the child who seems to be fine financially may not be so fine in reality and would also benefit from an input of funds as much as the one who is definitely in need.

IMO it's up to the parents what they give to whom BUT to lie about it is wrong.

I have 2 sons and as much as I have very little, it's all going to the younger one, the elder will get nothing. There are mitigating circumstances, not least the fact that we've been estranged for many years and he rejects my attempts at contact and I know that if I were to leave him anything he'd refuse it anyway, he has already done this with an insurance policy I took out for him as a child that was due to pay out over a decade ago, the funds are still sitting with the insurance company.

So it's not always the right thing to do to split equally. Every family's circumstances are different.

I know exactly how you feel Gigil1975. 20 years ago my parents bought a house next door to theirs and although kept it in their name they gave it to my sister and her family to live in and be left to my sister upon their deaths. I too was horrified and couldn’t see beyond the fact ‘they loved her more’. Yes we had a little bungalow at the time but we also had a nice big mortgage that went with it and I suppose we looked better off than we actually were in hindsight. Where as my sister was on housing benefit and already living in a house my parents already owned. I consequently found out as well she paid them a pepper corn rent and kept in her own pocket several hundred pounds a month from the housing benefits people.
I was in hospital recovering from major surgery at the time I was told so as you can imagine not in the best head space to have something like that dropped on me. I didn’t talk to any of them for 6 months after coming home from the hospital then decided I needed to know why they had put her in this house instead of not buying a property and if the cash was surplus to their requirements they could of split it in 2/3 equal shares and been fair (we have a brother also that hadn’t spoken to them for years and was a millionaire at that time). My sister could of put it down as deposit on a house and I could of payed of a chunk of my mortgage. Their answer was they didn’t think it was any of my business what they did with their money but did realise that they had now caused a bitter divide but hoped as she was youngest she would look after them in their twilight years. Forward 15 years and both got very sick, my sister was nowhere to be found. She moved one night in the middle of the night so they didn’t see her and long story short she has now got a council house. A mortgage would never have worked for her anyway because she was always so thoroughly spoilt by parents she would of been unemployable. My brother did come back on the scene many years later after father died but he still lives abroad and didn’t expect anything. I did give him some money from mum’s estate as it was only fair. But sisters 3 children got her share in the end as parents realised she is an alcoholic. I looked after both my parents, the anger of how I felt subsided and gone and their house payed for mums care home. My husband and myself lived with her when father passed for 2 and half years. Her care plan was 2 caters 4 times a day which cost £800 a week. After 2 and half years she went into a care home and I paid her home fees of £1120 a week for nearly 3 years. Sister didn’t visit mum for over 2 years and several months after. Personally my conscience is clear. Last time I saw or spoke to sister was at mums funeral 6 years ago and if I ever saw her again it would be too soon. My brother and myself are extremely close thank god. I suggest you ask why they didn’t give you equal amounts for your own peace of mind, I might be wrong but it will be hard for you to accept if you don’t. I do hope your mind finds peace.

We have always given to kids according to their need..we have 4 so 25% each would be silly. They know not to share info. The only way we could do it. Number 2 has plenty of money with her husband buys new cars etc. But they all know we are there for them if the need arises.

Personally I believe this to be relevant to this sort of consideration, especially if needs are very different.

Cornish7 your account of your circumstances mirrors my own and I have every sympathy for you and your family.. It’s a horrible situation to find oneself in and the hurt can be devastating.

I think that situations like Gigil975 has described are difficult to understand unless you have lived the experience

This is very helpful for me. My 2 children are in vastly different financial situations. We try to be fair and give them equally but I know one of them needs so much more… it’s so tricky.

I would never feel entitled to any legacy. My stepfather who had adopted me, left both me and my 'half'brother the same. I never expected it, and offered to give my half to my dear younger brother. It wouldn't have made me feel slighted in any way not to have had anything, or a different amount.
Surely parents can leave or not leave what and to whom they wish. Maybe they should spend it on themselves while they are alive. Our children certainly have said so! Where there's a will, there's a row.

I completely understand how you feel. My parents were divorced and they both did exactly this to me, neither giving any explanation as to why they had done so.

My father was the first to do so and my mother was very disparaging about my fathers behaviour and attitude when she discovered what he had done. She thought it a dreadful way to behave.

However she then did exactly the same thing to me some years later. She also gave 4 grandchildren in excess of £40k each and yet gave not one penny to my 4 children.

That was for me the most hurtful thing she could have done. I found both episodes very upsetting and difficult to deal with, particularly the behaviour towards my children.

The experiences have left me feeling very isolated and caused huge problems within the wider family.

For my part I ensure that each of my children get exactly the same and apply the same principle to my grandchildren. I love them all equally and could not bear to hurt them in the way that I have been hurt.

We have a son and a daughter and have helped as much as we can at the time it was needed. We are open about who is getting what, why and when and it usually evens up along the way. My mother's saying was that 'money is just a means to an end'...ie not an end in itself and it is still our family motto.

Have no answers other than say if it were my children no way would I have done what your parents have done.and can understand your disappointment.

Hmm... really difficult. My elderly mother has just died leaving her money 50/50 to me and my sibling. However he is incredibly wealthy which I'm not. And, if I'm honest, I resent him getting it because over the years I've done so much for her whereas he has done nowhere near the same amount. But I do understand why she has done it because I've done exactly the same with my children even though, again, one is far better off than the other. Money is a tricky subject and some people take it far more seriously than others. I know a couple who each have their own money and "owe" each other money. Whereas I'm the sort who will give it to anyone as long as I've got enough.

I have always felt that any money parents or other relatives either give children (nieces, nephews etc) or leave in their wills should be evenly distributed.

However, a lot of people don't see it this way. My aunt left the bulk of her estate to my sister's children and only a small legacy to my sister and myself and nothing at all to her two other godchildren, even although she had said since we were children, that as she had no children, all four of her god-children would inherit equally. There was nothing we could do about it, but it did hurt, I admit. I felt very guilty towards the other two who were left out in the cold.

Presumably, your parents feel that your brother needs help to be able to put down the deposit for a house, and that as you already have a house, you don't neeed the same amount.

To my mind, this is only fair, if they helped you when you bought your house.

Whatever their reasoning, they should certainly not have lied to you and then handed over a smaller amount without any explanation.

So what do you do now?

If you ask your parents for an explanation, or even word it tactfully by saying, you had thought they had said they were going to give you both the same amount, you are likely to give offence, and, as you yourself said, feel that you sound ungrateful.

But you have already discussed this with your brother, which to me is unfair, as he presumably did not influence your parents, nor do I think you have any right at all to expect your brother to hand over some of what he received, either now or later.

However, as you and he have discussed the matter, it would be more honest if you or you both asked your parents why they first said even amounts and them apparently changed their minds.

Have you received sums from them in the past, when you brother received less, or nothing?

Please be careful here, as you may well stir up feelings that will hurt even more than your present hurt.

In your place, I would try just to shrug it off.

Your parents obviously feel what they’ve done is wrong or unfair in some way because presumably otherwise they wouldn’t have said you were both getting the same. I think you’re right to feel aggrieved. Could you ask them why but without criticising them but saying that it’s made you feel sad so you wondered if they could explain their reasons as that would help you to understand.

I helped both my children with large cash amounts when they bought houses 4 years ago. But, one hot 5 times the amount of the other, just because that was what they needed at the time. I did speak to both children about this and have altered my will taking into account the unequal gifts. The children know about this and have said they would be happy to have equal legacies in my will, but it will be up to them to arrange a deed of family rearrangement if they feel the same way after my death.
My sister and I were helped in different ways when we were younger. I was able to repay the money my father loaned me and my sister, who received a larger cash amount has always resented me repaying my loan. Our attitudes just reflect our fiffernt approaches to money., but it still causes problems even 50 years on!
As others have said, your relationship with your family is important. Please don't let money affect it.

When I read things like this I’m glad I only have the one child.

Please acknowledge that you understand your daughter's feelings ,don't refuse to talk about it like my family did.

I debated whether to wade in on this as it’s very hard to comment when we don’t know you but I’ll just venture a point of view. You say that you know that you should be happy with the amount of money but you’re not. So why are you taking it? If you feel so strongly that your parents have favoured your siblings over you then make the point. Otherwise I do think it sounds like simple sour grapes. My mother, who was very well off left my brother about six times what she left me despite the fact that he had a very bad relationship with her and I cared for her until her death. Initially, I did feel hard done by but honestly, he needs it a lot more than I do thankfully and as his mother, she felt that. I think it was her way of making good. Sadly, he’s still ungrateful and never has a good word to say about her. I think that if you take the money, feeling the way you do, you will always feel bitter and hard done by. Either accept it with genuine grace, they are giving you a gift after all. Or just say, “thank you, but no. I feel that if you are not going to give me the same as my brother you are making me feel you love him more than me and I don’t want to take your money feeling like that.” At least this way you are true to yourself and can feel that you stood up for yourself. How sad though, the old saying No good deed goes unpunished comes to mind.

We are scrupulously equaliser in gifts for our children I in your position would be telling my parents that I know they have lied to me

I understand how you feel,similar thing happened to me ,my sister was given a house deposit I was refused.I have always resented it but kept quiet because there was no alternative unless I wanted to cause a rift. My sister couldn't have cared less on my plight ,which I can't understand.

I helped my son out by giving him money to prevent him having to sell his home , when he and his partner split up. His ex was entitled to half the house. I know my daughter resents this and I do feel bad about it. She has three children and my son has no children.