Unequal gift

My DS and DD have had no where near the same amount of cash. My DD has had about five times more than DS but we don’t love them and differently, he just doesn’t need the cash input like she does. As a teenager though he had so much more of our attention as he had a difficult time and DD could have felt left out but she didn’t. Money is not the only way to show a child they are important. Don’t let this tarnish your last few years with your mum and dad.❤️

Gigi1975 I totally understand how you feel, but (there had to be a but. Sorry) the important relationship here is between you and your brother.

I think Scentia has summed it up really. He needs the money more than you and your parents know that. It isn't really unfair either as it is their money. Try not to let it upset you. They are gifting you money anyway even though presumably you don't need it in the same way? I'm sure they love you in the same way as your brother. I love all my children the same even though each of them would say I favoured another one, you can't win!

This would be difficult at any time, but your parents have lied to you.
Of course, they are giving this gift freely, and it is not up to you or your brother to dictate terms. If it was just uneven amounts, I'd agree with Scentia, but I can see how the lie feeds into resentment.
I would say nothing for the moment, and keep your brother's offer open.

You could rehearse saying something like "Of course I am grateful, and it is your decision, but I would like to know why I get less / brother gets more", and think about what reaction that might get.
Bear in mind that the reason may be confidential, or it might be something they don't want you to be aware of.

I have written before about feeling that my grandchildren are in very different financial situations and wondering if I should leave different amounts in my will. At the moment they inherit evenly, but I am aware that for some it is the only substantial sum they are likely to get, whilst for one it is a drop in the ocean.

Is it because they have said it’s 50: 50 and you have found out that it isn’t?
Wondering whether you are substantially better off than your brother, in which case they may feel you dont need it as much, but I understand the disappointment you might feel.

I think your parents should have been honest and explained why they were giving you both different amounts. Personally I would have to treat my children exactly the same regardless of their current financial circumstances.

Nanarose
I had the same problem when doing our last will. Two will have money coming at them from wealthy grandparents ( not us ?)
Where as the other 3 only have us.
Then I thought: nobody knows what is in the future for all of them. So it’s equal between them.

The dishonesty is surprising and disappointing. It makes me feel like maybe they know it’s unfair. I can’t help the way this is making me feel but some of your comments are helping me understand a little better so thank you. @nanarose from this personal experience I would advise not to leave uneven amounts. The thing I would say in terms of our different situations is that our lives are extremely different so it’s hard to compare but whereas my brother doesn’t own a property, I own one with a huge mortgage. So by appearances I’m better off but I owe a lot of money on a mortgage.

I agree Gigi and circumstances do change for people. It can also cause some resentment between siblings too. My parents left myself and my brothers equal shares and as I said earlier I am doing the same for my children.

Could your parents intend to balance it up later when other money becomes available? Do they know how much your mortgage is or could they be under a misapprehension about how much of the house you actually own?

Equal share for my 3 children, though they have different circumstances, not vastly different, but certainly different. My daughter is divorced, but she will get no more, no less. As has been said, no one knows the future…..their circumstances may change. So they will get the same, except my jewellery, which will go to my daughter. My d.I.ls will get their mothers’ jewellery - that’s my justification

I think you have to talk to them about the way it’s made you feel.
They may have their own reasons that they believe are right.

We had a similar situation where a grandparent left two of my children unequal amounts and the third nothing. But we knew why he he did it and that nothing would change his old fashioned way of thinking. So we could accept it was his money to do as he wished.

It might heal some of the hurt if you knew that unequal money didn’t mean unequal love.

May I suggest you just ask them their reasoning as it may be very simple. I have chosen not to leave my house to my son but half to be split to my granddaughters for when they are older. This is to protect their inheritance in the event my son has financial problems or a marriage breakdown or makes a bad financial decision that leaves his children without an inheritance. His own biological father made no provision for him and he would have had nothing and no support in life had his step Dad not been the wonderful Dad he was. Both he and I were by- passed by our own parents monetarily and in support in life. We both took ourselves through University and bought our homes and paid for our wedding. We wanted our son and grandchildren to benefit. My husband passed away unable to meet his grandchildren but I can ensure they know their grandad made provision for them and some for their Daddy. Your parents may have some reason to their madness as you see it even if you don’t like it. Just a suggestion

I can see both sides, he needs it more than you but I do understand that you would think it unfair.

I can also see why you were not told, your parents would not want to upset you but recognise that your brother's need would be more important than you feeling slighted.

I think that if you do not talk to them it will become a resentment, maybe just say that you know he has been given more and you understand the reasoning but are upset that they could not have told you.

I think different circumstances may prevail here. I have a younger son who I have helped more financially as he’s on his own. But saying that I will try and even it up sometime in the near future.

To me the lying is the issue here. They should take responsibility for their decision and explain it openly to both of you.

You are responsible for how you to respond to their explanation but I can understand why you feel upset without any explanation of their decision. I don't think equal shares is a given if circumstances are different but I do think honesty should be a given.

Your brother sounds great BTW

I have 1 adult son & 1 adult daughter . My daughter has chosen not to speak to me for the past two years and I don’t know if she ever will , which hurts me badly, but even so, I still maintain that everything I own will be shared equally between them both , because at the end of the day , they are both my children and love them both equally. So yes ,*Gigil 975* I do understand where your coming from .

Good for you Dibbydod. I hope things improve with your DD.

I agree with Gwenth my family have always had the same.

I can understand giving more to one than the other, when the need is greatest on one side, but what would stick in my craw would be if my parents lied to me about it.

You have said that your brother has told you that he would even it up when he can afford it. But I must say in yur position your parent's lying would upset me too. Can you ask them why?

This is more about the hurt than the money I think. It was unwise of your parents to give more to your brother than to you without an explanation.
Money should always be split equally and it's understandable that you feel your brother is the favourite.

My in-laws did exactly the same with their youngest hence my answer:
- a desire to make their AC equal in having houses as one more step towards independence and stability.
- recognition of one AC’s financial need whilst overlooking what the other AC has had to do to get to the same point.
- acknowledgement of your financial independence whereas your brother is not yet at this stage.
- perception of income. You do say you appear to be better off. Giving the wealthier daughter less puts her brother on a par.
- acknowledgement of personal circumstances. Are you married? Will your brother be the sole contributor to his mortgage?
Remember, these were the factors behind my in-laws’ decisions. I don’t think like this at all.

I suspect they love you equally, and they want to use money to make you equal. Maybe this is rooted in comparative success?

Open discussion is needed, no matter how difficult. Don’t let it fester.

It's kind of your brother to say he'll make it up Gigi1975 but really he shouldn't have to do that as it's not his decision. Perhaps your parents will adjust their will to right the balance, who knows? We've given some of our AC money as they needed it, and circumstances change so quickly (one just separated from a high-earning spouse) but it will be balanced up and explained in our will.
Also I'm not sure why they would stipulate they are giving him money for a house deposit when your money seems condition-free. I think Peasblossom has hit the nail on the head when she says siblings equate money left to them to love. This once again reinforces your feeling that you are the 'less favoured one'. You can ask them, or you can decide they can do what they want with their money, but try not to dwell on it. Lots of wise GN's have previously pointed out that it's not what people do but how you react to it that's important.

@nannagarra I think a lot of what you said is feeling accurate. I’ve always been very financially independent since I left home. I’ve made choices sometimes that I’ve not always loved but I’ve known it’s the sensible thing to do. My brother has never managed his money well and has chose to spend it on activities and holidays rather than housing. I suppose it just feels unfair and without having been given this information from them that has knocked the wind of my sails a bit. I also think as much as we very much need the money I almost wish I wasn’t getting it in this way. It’s taken any joy out of it for me.