Unequal gift

Inheritance is a huge can of worms in families .

Years ago, my in laws gave huge amounts of money to their daughter .They all lied about it .

I know that money was given for baby essentials, cars were replaced, house deposits were given...it was endless .
There were weekly cash gifts to help with housekeeping .They financed their son in law through university .

Little was said about it .

After their deaths and estate was wound up there were huge shocks as to how little money was left and a lot of jokes made about my father in law having a mistress or another family .

They'd lived extremely frugally and my father in law had a top civil service job .

My sister in law wanted a quick sale on the house and more money was lost .
Recently ,inheritance has caused huge rows in my family .
It was caused my father and me enormous distress .
We are both still reeling from the shock .

You can't help the way that you feel but you can perhaps try to look at it differently. Had your brother said "tough, that's what our parents want, get over it", or words to that effect, I think there would be more hurt involved. However, he obviously thinks very highly of you and wants to maintain a loving relationship, because he has offered to recompense you when he is able. Whether you believe that is necessary or not is up to you.

We did something similar with our children but were upfront about it and explained that it was solely on the basis of who had the greatest need. Perhaps if your parents had done this, you would feel less upset.

As others have said, it may help if you tell your parents how this has made you feel - that you are less loved - and give them the chance to explain and hopefully reassure you that you are equally loved.

crazyH

Equal share for my 3 children, though they have different circumstances, not vastly different, but certainly different. My daughter is divorced, but she will get no more, no less. As has been said, no one knows the future…..their circumstances may change. So they will get the same, except my jewellery, which will go to my daughter. My d.I.ls will get their mothers’ jewellery - that’s my justification

Your comment about jewellery struck a cord with me as when my MIL passed away she left ALL of her jewellery to her granddaughter (the daughter of her daughter, my SIL)
However, my daughter, also MILs granddaughter but her son's daughter, was left nothing.
Still rankles with me years down the line.

As an add on to my history of finances. My DD was very careful in his will and 50/50 was set in stone it didn't stop sis from trying to steal by hiding over20k worth of shares which I subsequently recovered(she foolishly forgot my former job in forensic finance.....) I was secretly touched by my formerly tyrranical pa being so understanding

Having been in very similar position in my time with an older sis getting a lifetime of financial aid from parents and me? Reluctantly lent me 2k to stop me losing family home in crash of 84 then only let off for it as they'd bought my niece a car in 1992?!?.... It's the silly deceit that's at the root of this tale. I'm sure if they'd explained if your bro. Was is more need with less opportunity to make good than you, fair enough. But if you're in similar financial position then I would expect even Stevens. But why lie to you? Old fashioned in their treatment of you both as if you were still children. You obvs have a solid relationship with bro for him to share info with you, I'd casually let the olds know you are aware of what they've done and just as casually let them know just how silly they are risking a schism between you and bro with their silly secrets. You be the adults in this. Hope bro finds a good home!

This thread has got me thinking a lot about fairness and I talked to my daughter about it last night. I explained that I would only treat her and her brother unequally if there was a good reason and I wouldn't lie to them.

Having said that, she has recently moved home due to a job change, having lived away for 11 years. She is living with me rent free so she can save towards buying her own home in the near future. We are sharing expenses so I should benefit slightly from shared bills etc so in a way I'm not giving her anything that costs me anything. Of course I'd do the same for my son if circumstances were different, so she is benefitting in a way he isn't, but he doesn't need that help.

When my mum died my brother and I decided to even up the amounts she had saved for each of our children as she'd saved an amount each month since their birth for each, but their different ages affected how much each had. We both agreed that they should have the same amounts. I only have 1 grandchild at present and am saving for him in the same way but realise I should make some adjustment for future GC should there be any in the interests of the same fairness. Even though the amounts are not huge, if they receive them when they are starting out in life after university, as my children did, it made a big difference.

MIL always gave DH (her DS1) and me a small gift and a cheque for £20 for birthdays and Christmas. We didn't know how much she gave her DS2.
After 15 years our DD celebrated her 18th birthday and received a cheque for £1000 from MIL. Wow thank you very much mum from all three of us. A few weeks later DH was chatting to DM and he thanked her again for the generous cheque. Her reply - I usually give that amount to DS2 for Christmas and birthdays but I ran it past him and he was happy for DGD to have it
When DH told me I was stunned I could not believe how she could do that to him!

Both men had had the same education, been to university and had good jobs. DH fixed her washing machine and car for her, hung pictures etc but DS2 did nothing. When DM was terminally ill we did everything and DS2 and his DW did nothing.

Having read lots of threads on Gransnet and Mumsnet I now understand the golden child problem

Is there a reasoning behind this? Have you previously had money from them, or have they supported you financially in any way in the past? Or perhaps as someone else has said their will might be altered so you get more then.

We have loaned a large sum of money to our youngest daughter to help her and her husband buy a property in France.
They are planning to get a mortgage soon, but, time is ticking by and no sign of any progress with the banks!
If we give to one daughter we always give the same amount to the other because, that’s what we feel if fair.
I’m not really sure we can give our eldest daughter the same large sum without it impacting on our pension pots!
However, what ever you do for one you should do for the other. They will find out trust me!

Yes it would upset me and I would not do it to my children, regardless of their financial circumstances. If one has worked hard to get ahead at work, bought a house or become fortunate financially, and the other has not, it's not my job as a parent to 'even that up'. Who knows what will happen in the future and how their circumstances could change.

I love my children equally and money being allocated unevenly leaves a very bad taste in the mouth and likely to be a legacy of hurt. I'd not want to hurt my children like that.

Parents should be honest with their children. Husbands parents and sister lied about money (& other things) to my husband. Made him feel second best. He’s never really got over it.
Think secret money gifts are wrong. Families should explain reasons.
Think your brother seems reasonable, let him even things up later, if he can- you may decide you don’t need him to after all. It’s his gesture that’s good.

It is unfair but you shouldnt rely on your parents to help. You should make your own way in life. What if there wasnt any money from your parents you would have to muddle on without it. My parents didnt leave us anything and we didnt expect it.

My parents always treat myself and my sister absolutely equally despite a 9 year age gap. She had a big white wedding which my parents largely paid for. When I had a lower key Civil ceremony and reception my dad worked out the difference at current prices and gave us the difference which furnished our new home. Consequently I’m the same with my two sons and have even added a bar of chocolate to one present to make sure the same amount is spent on birthday/Christmas presents. I also give them the same amount of time and support when it’s needed just as they do to me and we’re all very close. My ex husband always favoured our youngest in all aspects resulting in a strained relationship between him and our eldest

I think you are right to think it should be the same amount given that your brother has spent money on holidays that perhaps you have never had the spare cash to do so.
but I don't think you should say anything to your parents, unless you need the money or they continue to repeatedly assert the same amount has been given to each of you. let it go, it's their money. Your brother might let them know he thinks it's a bit unfair , as your brother sounds fair minded. But if it is significantly different, it's always possible do do a post death variation of a person's will if all the beneficiaries agree to divide the estate differently e.g to provide for an agreed levelling up division.

I love my children equally but they need different help at different times. I've give time and and head dace to them at different times as well as money when they needed it at the time. I don't tell either at the time but it's not because I favour anyone it's because I just want to gell at the time.

We have given both our girls uneven amounts because their circumstances were very different at certain times in their lives. What I did NOT do was conceal it from either of them and they both saw my reasoning. In both cases each got what I call a "substantial sum", but not so uneven as one getting five times more than the other. One gift was made recently and made it uneven enough for us to amend our wills so that if there is money left when we leave this plant the final distribution will partly even things out - unless something happens in the meantime that means one of them needs help. But both are pretty financially secure now and we will be spending what we have got left on ourselves- with their blessings!

Your parents were no doubt trying to not upset you by telling you it was equal amounts - and maybe they were right, but finding out anyway is always disappointing.

I know of one family with a "problem" son who is constantly needing to be baled out of things while his sister is a stock hard-working sensible woman, but she knows he needs it more than she does. And everyone is right, it definitely does NOT mean you are loved any less - indeed I can imagine myself saying "Oh, heck, X is in trouble again but we've got to do what we can - good job that Y is such a blessing".

It's your parents decision and I think you have to respect that. There is no need to feel entitled to equal amounts. It's a gift and it's not important to know and compare gifts from anyone and decide it's worth. If it's given with a good heart then that is priceless....

IMO that's the way to look at it colette, be thankful that there's help available and helping others when we can.

My father helps both me and my sister out - if I sat down and worked it out in financial terms - she would almost certainly have been helped or given more over the years.For the simple reason - she has five children when I have only two.It really doesn't bother me - I am grateful that he is able (and willing) to help both of us out and I am glad my sister has him to turn to,when she needs to.I know he has written his will out equally between the two of us but if/as/when a time arises when my sister needs helps,and he isn't here to provide it - I would step up and help her myself.We all have different needs - it shouldn't be about how much money is given - but thankfulness that we have family to help us,and helping others in turn,when we can.

I think in an emergency situation, then of course it's ok to give one child a sum of money but not the other, but apart from that, it should be equal of course.

I couldn’t and wouldn’t knowingly give one of my children more than the other

I think that is really unfair and breeds resentment. No matter how much money your brother has or hasn’t got, circumstances can change so every child should be equal.
I have been through the same with in-laws and my DH was extremely hurt.

We are treating our children equally at the end of the day regardless of their different financial circumstances. It is irrelevant to us how financially secure ( or not ) our children are. The last thing we want when we are no longer here is any ill feeling between our children. Even shares all round is the correct way for us to go.

Gigi1975 - It seems that your feeling of injustice is shared by your brother as he's offered to give you some money later when he can afford it, but I wonder what your parents would have to say about that? Maybe they feel they are treating you equally and not using amounts of money to be the signal of what being treated equally means.
For example, you already have your own house but your brother does not - what are the circumstances around that - were you both given the same educational opportunities and were you both supported by parents through university/college/other training? Wondering why he doesn't have a house, has he had health challenges?
Maybe the biggest question is why have your parents told you a lie - why say you and your brother are receiving the same amount when any sensible person would see that if having a larger amount means one sibling can buy a house and be in the same fortunate position as the other who already has one the one who already has the house would be happy for the one who doesn't - or am I wrong? Has your brother squandered money in the past and is he undeserving of this windfall? Lots of questions here - personally I feel if you consider you've always been the less loved child, it may be time to address that with a therapist. What you don't want in the future is for that feeling to carry forward to the next generation.

I would want to because I have had so much more help and companionship from one or two of my children and grandchildren but I can't do it as I do feel it would be unfair. Even though one of the favoured ones could do with the money more. Its so hard to try and get it right. I am so proud of what my three girls have done a lot of it on their own. They have all said to me it's my money I should spend it how I want. I know if I was to spend it on holidays or vocational courses for one and not the others there would be some hard feelings. There's enough hassle already without money coming into it. I think what your brother has said is fair what your parents have done is not so fair, in my mind anyway.