You sound so sad and worried about the situation . Please don't allow your wife to phone SS. You may never see DIL or GS again .
Your wife may have some good qualities but it comes across as your DIL may be nervous around her . She sounds like a lovely quiet women who has had a lot of upset in life recently. Can your son not speak to his mother ?
Gransnet forums
Ask a gran
My wife and Daughter in law
(83 Posts)I’m so sorry you are having to deal with all this. I think it might be helpful if you spoke to your son and daughter in law directly, without your wife, to let them know you care and ask if there’s anything you can do to help them. I think it might do your son some good to see you supporting his wife.
I know how very hard this is, but you do need to stand up to your wife. I am presuming that not doing so is a pattern that has become entrenched during your long marriage, but it would do her no harm to know that you believe she is in the wrong - and from your description it does sound as though she is.
And you absolutely must put your foot down over the social services plans - she runs the risk of losing all contact with her son and GC - and so do you. If she will not draw back on this on the grounds that it is plain wrong, then the argument that you might both lose contact with your GC might cut some ice.
It is so sad when a mother makes her children her whole life, because it is inevitable that one day they will need to move on and lead their own lives - the fact that your daughter finds that hard is not healthy; and it is a concern that your son felt he could talk to her about the private matter of his wife's mental state - surely your son must know how his mother is.
My view - for what it is worth - is that you simply need to stand up to your wife. I am sorry that you are having to deal with all this - and it may be too late because these patterns of behaviour are now set in stone. I also feel very sorry for your daughter in law.
Oh my word a very well written understandable post and what a problem I feel so very very sorry for your daughter in law especially as you say even your son turns to his mother for help and attention she is up against it I m glad she has you Does she know she has your support she needs to if she doesn’t already
I know you love your wife, but I don’t, so I can be more blunt and I think she has to be challenged she’s obviously got her children eating out of her hands but you don’t need to eat out of them too
You are going to have to come down very firmly with her she sounds a positive nightmare and you and maybe you alone will have to be the one to stick up for your poor daughter in law
Tell your wife if she goes to SS with a cock and bull story you will not support her and you will tell the truth that she is vindictively making it all up She has to be stopped
I see that you have even considered leaving her and I don’t think that’s a bad idea just because you ve been with someone a long time doesn’t mean you can’t tell them enough is enough Maybe warn her if she continues this vendetta you will consider a parting of the ways
Gosh you poor man
My heart absolutely fell reading this, your poor DIL and poor you.
Have you tried sticking up for your DIL?
Have you tried telling your son your concerns?
Please don't allow her to call social services.
I wish I had better advice for you but I think deep down you know that your wife's behaviour is completely wrong and your DIL doesn't deserve this..
Time to put your foot down
I am posting immediately so that you know that your post was quickly read, and yes, as a grandfather you are more than wlecome on GN, I wish there were more of you.
I understand your problem. it is one that occurs frequently occurs on GN, but usually it is the person in your wife's position posting asking us to support her because her children are edging her out of their lives(DiL's, in particular get blamed) or wanting to know whether her demands for access to grandchildren are unreasonable, once a week and ovenight are unreasonable (they are).
What help and advice to offer you I do not know. I think that by being an admirable and supportive husband to your wife, you have also been unwilling to talk about problems at the start, or perhaps, you have always managed to get over issues by not talking about them and now you are faced with a situation where your wife has gone far beyond any acceptable bounds and telling her that is going to be fraught.
The support I can suggest is that social services/health visitor/doctor, should she contact them, will probably not take much notice of what she says. i suspect that MiL like her are part of the burden they must bear and if your Dil is being seen and treated for post-natal depression, they will be monitoring the situation anyway and, anyway, patient confidentiality means they will not discuss the issue with her.
After that all I can suggest is that you need to face up to the situation you are in and tell your wife she is overstepping the line. Start with praise of all she has done and how much help it has been, but then make it clear to her that her efforts are now overstepping the mark.
You could suggest, and I know this will be chancy ground, that as you must now be in your 70s, if you have been married nearly 50 years, that neither of you will be around for ever, and if her health declines, she may not be able to offer all the help she currently offers and perhaps she needs to ween the children off being so dependent on her, so that they are prepared for when she will be unable to help them, no matter how much she wants to.
Wow. Thats alot of information and my best advice to you is to support your son and DIL to the best of your ability. And try to convince your wife to be more loving and generous to her DIL. Its obvious she does not treat the DiL with the same level of warmth and sincerity as your daughter and that's just sad. Your wife is missing a wonderful opportunity to gift her maternal blessings unto another young woman and the child. She needs to give her best self to your son's family or she will have you both estranged from their lives. What a shame that would be!
Hello,
I don't know if I've posted this in the right section or if I'm actually allowed to be here as I'm actually a Grandad however I'm really struggling with who to turn too.
My wife and I have been married for nearly 50 years and have a adult son and a daughter. I love my wife very much and she has many good qualities however I am struggling to justify and supporr some of my wife's behaviour and have for a long time. My wife was a stay at home housewife which I believe was common for our generation and brought up our children who she dotes on and are her whole life. I have privately felt that at times my wife has interfered in the lives of our adult children previously however our daughter seems to appreciate her support and assistance with childcare and managing her house as her husband frequently works away and is very like my wife in many ways. My wife is very involved in the day to day lives of our daughters children as her husbands parents are no longer with us unfortunately and our daughter seems to struggle to manage on her own with the children and house or so my wife believes. My current daughter in law is my sons second wife. In hind sight I suspect that the actions and behaviour of my wife may have contributed to the breakdown of my sons first marriage by interfering in my sons life and her behaviour towards my ex daughter in law howver I am not privy to the full details. My wife has fallen out with a number of members of her own family and mine there always seems to be some drama or problems amongst her group of friends none of whom I find particularly nice people as they are very gossipy and entitled. My wife pretty much raised our children and they are her whole life, I appreciate that in some ways she has made a lot of sacrafices however she has no outside interests or hobbies which I feel is to her detriment. I am ashamed to say I find both my children to be spoilt and entitled. They both seem to rely or have been made to believe they have to rely on my wife to lead their day to day lives. My wife in turn seems to thrive on being needed and 'helping' them with basic day to day tasks. When my daughter had her children she seemed to struggle at first to adapt so my wife took over and provided a lot of practical and emotional support which although I'm sure my daughter found invaluable my wife also seemed to thrive and take pleasure in how much my daughter "struggled" and how much help she was.
My current daughter in law is a very intelligent but kind and caring woman and I believe she is very good for my son. She has a good job and is very independent and has many good qualities and clearly cares very much for my son and they have many interests in common and she is very supportive to him. My wife has taken a dislike to her from the start and I have been ashamed of her behaviour towards her at times. My daughter in law is naturally a quiet person and although at first I found it a little hard to make conversation with her my son advised this is just how she was and I have over time found her easier to talk too and get along with, she is always very polite and I have accepted her who she is. My wife took a dislike to her from first meeting her and both her amd my daughter have been hostile and unpleasant towards her. Over the years my daughter in law has gradually retreated further from us and refused to rise to my wife's verbal put downs and sharp tongue and attempts to create gossip which has infuriated my wife further who has gradually become nastier and more unpleasant towards my daughter in law. I am of the generation that believes that I should support my wife however I do not condone this behaviour. My wife blames my daughter in law for taking our son away from her and turning her against him however all I see is my son finally stepping away from his reliance on his mother and getting on with his life as a fully functioning adult however I do understand that this maybe hard for my wife.
My daughter in law and son had their first baby my grandson last year. My daughter law had a difficult birth and although I do not know the full details this ended in a emergency caesaerian after over a week in the induction ward and both mother and baby where unwell and hospitalised for several days afterwards, my son kept in contact with us however this was quite brief and he was understandably very stressed. My wife was furious that he did not involve her further and bombarded him with multiple aggressive phone calls and messages which I do not feel helped. Whilst my daughter in law was in hospital her much loved grandma on her mother's side unfortunately died and her mother was diagnosed with a type of aggressive cancer. My daughter in law has also lost 2 much loved pets due to what I belive was cancer one just before and one just after the birth of her son and I believe there where some issues with the standard of care both she and my grandson received in the hospital as there has been some investigations.
My wife was absolutely furious that she was not invited to the hospital to meet our new grandson or be present at the birth however I believe that due to covid restrictions this was not possible anyway however I have heard her telling her friend how she was prevented from doing so by our daughter in law. When we met our grandson a few days after they returned home my daughter in law was even quieter than usual and looked unwell however our grandson seemed content and well cared for. My wife felt very slighted that extended members of my daughter in laws family met the baby before some of our family like my daughter did however this was at my daughter in laws grandmother's funeral which I believe was delayed until my daughter in law and grandson where discharged from hospital. My daughter in law is close to her mum and devastated about the cancer diagnosis particularly the timing of which. My daughter in law has a medical background and had accompanied her mother on a lot of her hospital trips as well as looking after our grandson which my wife has seemed to resent as she believes that the other grandparents have been given priority. My wife has taken every opportunity to criticise the decisions our son and daughter in law have made about our grandson from what brands of equipment to advise. My daughter in law has breast fed our grandson, my wife didn't manage to breast feed our children and they where bottle fed which seems to make her very angry. My son generally sides with his mother and does not support his wife even though I believe from my research that my daughter in law is correct in some matters such as sleeping positions. My daughter in law has gradually retreated even further from us, she will generally accompany my son on visits however we do not see her or our grandson on their own without my son being present. My son recently spoke to my wife as he was concerned about my daughter in law may have post natal depression however im ashamed to say my wife used some of this information to suggest my daughter in law was a unfit mother and that my grandson was not being cared for which I do not believe to be the case although I maybe wrong. My wife plans to contact social services/ my daughter in law health visitor and doctor to suggest that her grandson is not being cared for and offer herself as support. My daughter in law has had a very hard time personally recently and I feel has coped well and I would love to assist my son to support her more. I am concerned that if my wife carries out her plan that my daughter in laws will find out and cut all contact and or leave my son. I want to address this with my wife and also that I feel that her behaviour towards our daughter in law is unkind and unsupportive however I do not know how to approach this with her. I have been so disgusted with her behaviour I have considered leaving her but we have been together many years and she also has many good qualities. Can anyone offer any advise.
Thanks
Join the conversation
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »