Hello and welcome, Desperate8.
It is Gransnet, not Grandmother's net, so of course you are welcome here, being a GRANdad!!
Gransnet forums
Ask a gran
My wife and Daughter in law
(84 Posts)Hello,
I don't know if I've posted this in the right section or if I'm actually allowed to be here as I'm actually a Grandad however I'm really struggling with who to turn too.
My wife and I have been married for nearly 50 years and have a adult son and a daughter. I love my wife very much and she has many good qualities however I am struggling to justify and supporr some of my wife's behaviour and have for a long time. My wife was a stay at home housewife which I believe was common for our generation and brought up our children who she dotes on and are her whole life. I have privately felt that at times my wife has interfered in the lives of our adult children previously however our daughter seems to appreciate her support and assistance with childcare and managing her house as her husband frequently works away and is very like my wife in many ways. My wife is very involved in the day to day lives of our daughters children as her husbands parents are no longer with us unfortunately and our daughter seems to struggle to manage on her own with the children and house or so my wife believes. My current daughter in law is my sons second wife. In hind sight I suspect that the actions and behaviour of my wife may have contributed to the breakdown of my sons first marriage by interfering in my sons life and her behaviour towards my ex daughter in law howver I am not privy to the full details. My wife has fallen out with a number of members of her own family and mine there always seems to be some drama or problems amongst her group of friends none of whom I find particularly nice people as they are very gossipy and entitled. My wife pretty much raised our children and they are her whole life, I appreciate that in some ways she has made a lot of sacrafices however she has no outside interests or hobbies which I feel is to her detriment. I am ashamed to say I find both my children to be spoilt and entitled. They both seem to rely or have been made to believe they have to rely on my wife to lead their day to day lives. My wife in turn seems to thrive on being needed and 'helping' them with basic day to day tasks. When my daughter had her children she seemed to struggle at first to adapt so my wife took over and provided a lot of practical and emotional support which although I'm sure my daughter found invaluable my wife also seemed to thrive and take pleasure in how much my daughter "struggled" and how much help she was.
My current daughter in law is a very intelligent but kind and caring woman and I believe she is very good for my son. She has a good job and is very independent and has many good qualities and clearly cares very much for my son and they have many interests in common and she is very supportive to him. My wife has taken a dislike to her from the start and I have been ashamed of her behaviour towards her at times. My daughter in law is naturally a quiet person and although at first I found it a little hard to make conversation with her my son advised this is just how she was and I have over time found her easier to talk too and get along with, she is always very polite and I have accepted her who she is. My wife took a dislike to her from first meeting her and both her amd my daughter have been hostile and unpleasant towards her. Over the years my daughter in law has gradually retreated further from us and refused to rise to my wife's verbal put downs and sharp tongue and attempts to create gossip which has infuriated my wife further who has gradually become nastier and more unpleasant towards my daughter in law. I am of the generation that believes that I should support my wife however I do not condone this behaviour. My wife blames my daughter in law for taking our son away from her and turning her against him however all I see is my son finally stepping away from his reliance on his mother and getting on with his life as a fully functioning adult however I do understand that this maybe hard for my wife.
My daughter in law and son had their first baby my grandson last year. My daughter law had a difficult birth and although I do not know the full details this ended in a emergency caesaerian after over a week in the induction ward and both mother and baby where unwell and hospitalised for several days afterwards, my son kept in contact with us however this was quite brief and he was understandably very stressed. My wife was furious that he did not involve her further and bombarded him with multiple aggressive phone calls and messages which I do not feel helped. Whilst my daughter in law was in hospital her much loved grandma on her mother's side unfortunately died and her mother was diagnosed with a type of aggressive cancer. My daughter in law has also lost 2 much loved pets due to what I belive was cancer one just before and one just after the birth of her son and I believe there where some issues with the standard of care both she and my grandson received in the hospital as there has been some investigations.
My wife was absolutely furious that she was not invited to the hospital to meet our new grandson or be present at the birth however I believe that due to covid restrictions this was not possible anyway however I have heard her telling her friend how she was prevented from doing so by our daughter in law. When we met our grandson a few days after they returned home my daughter in law was even quieter than usual and looked unwell however our grandson seemed content and well cared for. My wife felt very slighted that extended members of my daughter in laws family met the baby before some of our family like my daughter did however this was at my daughter in laws grandmother's funeral which I believe was delayed until my daughter in law and grandson where discharged from hospital. My daughter in law is close to her mum and devastated about the cancer diagnosis particularly the timing of which. My daughter in law has a medical background and had accompanied her mother on a lot of her hospital trips as well as looking after our grandson which my wife has seemed to resent as she believes that the other grandparents have been given priority. My wife has taken every opportunity to criticise the decisions our son and daughter in law have made about our grandson from what brands of equipment to advise. My daughter in law has breast fed our grandson, my wife didn't manage to breast feed our children and they where bottle fed which seems to make her very angry. My son generally sides with his mother and does not support his wife even though I believe from my research that my daughter in law is correct in some matters such as sleeping positions. My daughter in law has gradually retreated even further from us, she will generally accompany my son on visits however we do not see her or our grandson on their own without my son being present. My son recently spoke to my wife as he was concerned about my daughter in law may have post natal depression however im ashamed to say my wife used some of this information to suggest my daughter in law was a unfit mother and that my grandson was not being cared for which I do not believe to be the case although I maybe wrong. My wife plans to contact social services/ my daughter in law health visitor and doctor to suggest that her grandson is not being cared for and offer herself as support. My daughter in law has had a very hard time personally recently and I feel has coped well and I would love to assist my son to support her more. I am concerned that if my wife carries out her plan that my daughter in laws will find out and cut all contact and or leave my son. I want to address this with my wife and also that I feel that her behaviour towards our daughter in law is unkind and unsupportive however I do not know how to approach this with her. I have been so disgusted with her behaviour I have considered leaving her but we have been together many years and she also has many good qualities. Can anyone offer any advise.
Thanks
It's interesting that once challenged your wife did seem to take note. You could ask your son and Dil if they would like to go for a walk. Dogs are not compulsory! It would be good to get together and build up a more positive relationship. Challenging your wife's behaviour when things get out of hand maybe the way to go.
done
We’ll do e Desperate ?
Fantastic news that you have started the conversation Desperate! I think it is an incredibly brave thing to do, and I don't think you should feel bad about not having done so before, or having your head in the sand. From what I can see you may well have been feeling that it was best not to interfere; I don't believe that you were deliberately neglecting the problem, and you must have suffered seeing her behaviour and the effect it has had. I so hope that this has started the path to improving things; wishing you every bit of good luck!
She needs someone to be straight with her
Desperate has told us that he has started that process!
Your wife sounds a nasty piece of work Im surprised you stay with someone like that. I couldn't and I wouldn't care how old I was. I'd be off.
She needs someone to be straight with her.
I never understand why some older women centre their whole lives round their grownup children.
As much as Iove mine and always will, I loved it when they finally moved out and we could finally start concentrating on our own lives, hobbies and interests.
Peacelily I am not sure whether you have seen Desperates update above where he has started the conversation with his wife, and well done him in the circumstances?
I'm 45 and I found this very brave post absolutely apalling. If I was that DIL, I would have point-blank refused to engage with this MIL for the sake of my mental health which has to come first when looking after a newborn.
I think your wife's whole identity has been about being a mother but she's totally overextended herself and needs to back off now. There's nothing less attractive to a partner than their wife/husband acting like needy children. The apron strings have to get cut. It will be seen as enmeshment and control and definitely NOT appreciated.
I think your wife feels very threatened by this intelligent, capable, different, fresh, dynamic, thinking woman who MAKES YOUR SON HAPPY. She doesn't like it, therefore I'm worried she is literally going all out to remove your daughter in law. She doesn't like her because it's attacking her identity, her only identity.
It has to stop, boundaries need to be put in place, conversations need to be had so that your DIL doesn't leave with a newborn and never want to see your son again.
I really, really feel for her and I hope she is okay after a horrific year of sadness and a difficult birth.
I’m so pleased that you have had a conversation with your wife desperate8, you are a good man, with a good heart! Don’t look back on the past as it can’t be rectified, it’s gone, words and actions hurt and it’s going to take a long time to get things sorted regarding your wife and how she is with your poor DIL! If it was me I would be calling her out each time she was speaking in a disrespectful way and I mean everytime! She sounds extremely jealous and I can’t help thinking that she would love to have your son back home which as you well know the way she’s acting is not normal, I really hope everything works out for your son and daughter in law, you certainly will have your work cut out regarding your wife’s interpretation of everything! Hope your son steps up to the mark to regarding his mother and her nasty words to his wife! Good luck desperate8 you have started the ball rolling ! Please come back and let us know how everything progresses
I’ve not read any other answers.
I would have loved a FIL like you!! Someone to reign in my toxic, overbearing MIL, who ended up on her own after my FIL died. No one wanted to see her.
You have to sit down....with this post, and sort your wife out. If you don’t....she, and ultimately you, will without a doubt....lose people. There were many years my FIL lost out on...because of her.
I will never understand what makes women like this ‘ tick’. She’s very lucky...and so are your children/ grandchildren, to have someone level headed like you.
Don’t be like my FIL....use your skills. You might be surprised.
Good luck.
You could possibly show your post & these answers to your wife . It might make her seriously think about what she is doing . Otherwise she may think that it is only you that thinks there is a problem. Wishing you all the best
So glad you started it!
Now be vigilant and call her out as soon as things happen.
Just read through posts-well done, Desperate, for at least making a start! Personally I think “raking» over the past might not be helpful just concentrate on now and the future. I wish you all the best.
Good chap you ve made the first step and we all know the first step is the hardest Don’t let it slide and come back and tell us how it’s going we ll be here to support you and you can tell us the good news as well as the bad
Keep up the great work
You do sound like a really good person 
if you need any outside support, there are organisations who you can talk to
mensadviceline.org.uk/
but as you have started navigating this yourself, it may be a big enough shock to your wife anyway but do bear in mind there is support if you need it.
Desperate8
I completely agree that this is a step along the way not a solution and that the issue is far from over and there are still many things I need to consider and a lot of work to do but I do feel a little better that a start has been made however small and hopeful that in time things will improve
Spot on Desperate .....onwards and upwards!
You're a good egg
I completely agree that this is a step along the way not a solution and that the issue is far from over and there are still many things I need to consider and a lot of work to do but I do feel a little better that a start has been made however small and hopeful that in time things will improve
Yes a big well done from me but like a runaway dog you are going to have to keep your hands firmly on the lead as you wife will not change she is just a bit shocked at you speaking out and placating your so you will have to keep at it and pull her up every time she tries one of her tricks
But well done you please do not let it slide again
Good luck
Well done - a door opened into being able to speak out on your views - let us hope she will be open to further discussion. Best thing you can do is to encourage her in finding a life for herself that does not mean that all she can find is to control her adult children.
I also wish you all the best but a leopard doesn't change its spots and I don't think one short conversation is going to sort things out. This behaviour has become normal to her and something else will inevitably arise. You must speak to your son and see that he understands his mother's behaviour is going to lead to trouble in his marriage, perhaps his phone could be out of order for a while. It might not be a bad idea to take your wife on an extended holiday now the covid restrictions are coming off. Maybe the thought that she could lose all contact might give her pause for thought.
Oh well done Desperate that wont have been easy but you DID IT so good for you and I'm so pleased that your wife took on board what you've said.
for you and your wife. I wish you both well as you move forward and onto what will hopefully be a happier and healthier family for you all.
Desperate well done for starting the conversation. There will need to be more but you have taken a first step. And regrets ...don't bother ...you have learnt from your experiences, acknowledged your mistakes and are trying to do something about your mistakes. That's VERY creditable.
Hello again.
I have read your further replies and thank you again to those who have taken the time to read and offer advise.
I agree that it is possible that my wife is jealous of my daughter in law and that I need to support my son to support his family.
I dearly wish I had acted and spoke out sooner and admit I may have buried my head in the sand and gone along with things for an easy life which I regret however I am keen to make amends now.
I have spoken to my wife this afternoon and advised her I do not condone her wish to involve others and I do not agree that there are any issues with the care of our Grandson. My wife was intially very defensive however understood my point and I suspect that this is not something she would have gone through with in reality on further discussion although I cannot ignore the fact that I believed she might.
I believe that my wife was very concerned about not being included in our Grandsons life and she has admitted that her behaviour around the time of the birth was not conductive to this however later became very defensive and suggested that it was only her intervention that prevented this happening. I decided to leave the conversation there for now and feel having made my point and expressed my concern that it's better to focus on and deal with issues in the future rather than the past as I suspect that if my wife is made to feel too attacked she will react defensively.
I have previously seen my son and daughter in law occasionally without my wife which I enjoyed as we used to walk their dogs together however after the dogs died I know they found it very hard to walk without them and I have been reluctant to suggest this incase it causes further upset or appears insensitive however it is something I could come back to in the future.
Thank you again for your advis3
Join the conversation
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »