Not planning to have a funeral

I think that there is a big difference between not having a funeral, and not having any kind of 'goodbye'.
It seems that most posters who want a direct cremation are still talking about some kind of party or gathering to mark the end of one's time on this earth.
We have one friend who wanted nothing - no gathering of any kind. He only told his wife this, and she told his children immediately after his death. Wider family and friends were simply not informed. After the initial contact and then condolence letter, we heard nothing. After a month or so we contacted a mutual friend - she had been much more direct and asked outright. We passed this on to old work colleagues of his that we happened to know, and so the word went out rather awkwardly.
We have since seen his wife - she wanted to honour his wishes, but felt embarrassed to tell people, so it all ended up as a bit of a mess.
So my plea is that if you really don't want any sort of get-together, write a note to be sent to your friends / former colleagues etc. and arrange to have them told.

Your children can find closure appropriate to their needs once they have your ashes.
I will, like you pattieb be having a direct cremation. I hate funerals. My two can take my ashes and scatter them in my favourite place in whatever method they choose.

Barmeyoldbat

My husband died and we had a direct cremation, it was in another county. I have kept his ashes but suddenly felt that I would like some sort of ceremony. So we are to have an internment in a wooded area of the local cemetery. He had left his body for medical research so I’m not really sure if he would have ‘approved’ but I think it is right for me and his children.

I positively do not want a funeral and have told my family so.
Just direct cremation, my ashes scattered on Dartmoor, and a little family get-together singing Queen songs.

If you you you use your local undertaa as Jed for a direct funeral then they will use a local crematorium. Sorry about any mistakes but I have to do this with gloves on and no glasses

My sister has requested this and at first I was appalled as we are quite traditional family. But I think now it’s because her daughter is in Australia and she wants as little fuss as possible. I can see the sense of it now.

When DH died I put an announcement in the local newspaper but did not specify the date and time, I told close family about the funeral and did not have a wake.
Some people were shocked that I had not told old work colleagues and they expected to see them at the funeral.
We had a brief humanist service with beautiful music and a piece written by my GD was read out. DH was a very private man and did not like ostentation so I think he would have approved.
There is no right or wrong, you do what feels right for you.

Prepaying is something different from directing how your body will be treated after death. Your children may well be in agreement now, but in the immediate aftermath of your death, they may feel very different and decide differently. - or they may do exactly what you want, but as you will be dead, you will not know what happens. The main thing is that you are happy with your plans in life.

Is it correct that a direct cremation takes place at a specific crematorium, perhaps hundreds of miles away?

I had assumed that they took place at your local crematorium, with no one in attendance, perhaps before the booked funerals took place.

Personally, I would hate to think that after all our years together, DH’s last journey was on his own, with no one to witness it. Even worse if it were many miles away and I knew nothing about it.

But that is just me.

Ours are prepaid MOnica and we’re done so with the involvement of my children who didn’t want a direct cremation.
Lucca, direct cremation is, I think, where the body is quietly collected by the funeral directors, cremated by them and the ashes, if requested, returned to the family. No ceremony at all.

MOnica, I’m with you, funerals are for the people left behind. My parents both stipulated a favourite hymn but otherwise trusted us to make the service and reception reflect their lives and the love we shared
In recent years, I’ve attended more funerals than I’d have chosen. It’s my age, friends and family are dying. I haven’t been to one that wasn’t a positive experience. Maybe I’ve been lucky

I arranged what is now referred to as a direct cremation for our auntie. Who had cancer and was in a home providing palliative care. When she passed the undertakers took her in a private ambulance and she was cremated on a date they set. I picked up her ashes and spread them in a lovely place I knew she liked. There was no service nobody attended it was exactly what she wished for. We did have to pay costs but compared to a traditional funeral it was minimal.

I think that death is , generally, badly managed in the UK. The trend for using euphemisms " passed" " left us" etc instead of saying died & now the growing popularity of "direct" cremation feels as if we want to pretend death does not really happen!
For me a funeral serves a clear purpose..religious or otherwise.. to be sad & mourn the death of a friend or family member is a necessary process as is having a celebration of that person's life & also to acknowledge that they are no longer alive but confirming they live on in our memory.

However, when I am dead I won't know! I expect my family will be sad but also will have a bloody good time remembering our life together at some kind of party!

Barmeyoldbat I'm very that it's your daughter's last days and hope all is peaceful

How do you know you will not have a funeral? Despite all the arrangements you make in advance, when the day comes you will dead and those left behind can, if they wish, tear up all the plans you thought everyone had agreed to and do what they like

You could end up with the great South London funeral; horse drawn hearse, your name in flowers etc etc. You could end up with no funeral but a huge memorial service a week later. If you planned a big funeral, you could just be dispatched to the crematorium in a van and go straight into the incinerator through a back door.

I think it is rather selfish to plan your funeral in detail before you die. Funeral plans are certainly for the corpse, while still living, but funerals are for the living, those who mourn, even if that is one person only and they not a relative.

By all means express preferences to your potential funeral arranger, but leave it to them to decide what funeral will be most beneficial to them.

I think trying to control people from beyond your death is selfish and rather creepy.

Lucca

Excuse my ignorance but what is a direct cremation?
I don’t want a religious ceremony but my friends and family may like something with music and memories etc.

That sounds very like what Quakers do Lucca

Barmeyoldbat

My husband’s ex wife died recently, and she won’t be having a funeral, wake or anything.
Her ashes will be scattered around their son’s grave.
Now it’s happening, or rather not happening; I must admit that it feels little bit strange.

When my Mother passed away recently we could not have a funeral because of Covid. She had arranged to leave her body to Medical Science but again due to Covid that could not happen. We had a no service cremation which meant her body was cremated with on one in attendance. We then had her ashes stored until we were able to have a memorial get together. This was 9 months after she passed away. We all found closure with this and would have met her approval. She always said she wanted to go out to everyone raising a glass of champagne.

Excuse my ignorance but what is a direct cremation?
I don’t want a religious ceremony but my friends and family may like something with music and memories etc.

I hope the weather is fine and you have that picnic, Barmeyoldbat

Barmeyoldbat

We are the same, both going to have direct funerals and a gathering and party with scattering of our ashes. At the moment my daughter is on end of care with her illness and has only a few days left. We are planning her funeral and have decided to have a direct funeral with ashes being scattered with her dad, nan and other members of the family. Afterwards, if the weather is fine we are going to have a picnic near the beach she loved. We, as a family have taken the decision and I hope they will do the same for me and Mr B.

We have told our family that we would like to be cremated and do not want anything religious.
I’m sure they will follow those wishes
Other than that it is up to them.We won’t know what actually happens

My funeral was raised by my children after my parents died. We had trad funerals for them several years apart. Both left wills along with requests for one particular hymn.
I understand and respect the views here but I’ve been fortunate to go to some good funerals - all of which concluded with excellent food, fun and mutual loving support

Pure cremation for me, then when my ashes are returned be it the next day the next month or the next year but when my kids and their kids are ready they can take me to scatter me on the beach I spent a lot of happy years on when I was a child then on the way home I want them to go for a slap up meal and raise a glass but the important thing is when they are ready….