Ungrateful ?

Sometimes I feel its my fault that they don't respect me because I was quite a hippy Mum with not many rules (hippy without the drugs of course) It was because I was brought up so regimental by a Mother that never showed effection and I wanted the opposite for my sons..

But I do think having more rules and being more authoritarian would have gotten me more respect perhaps

Thank you I really appreciate you all taking the time to help. Thank you Derbyshirelass for trying to help even with your arthritis, just so you know your posts felt like a lifeline as did all the other posts and got me through yesterday when I was struggling

It has brought me to my knees emotionally and I was in a bad place to start with

To be honest it feels like a nightmare that you want to wake up from

My youngest son has been so awful since my husband died, my other son has been kinder and tried to help but when I tried to apologise for not being there for him as much as I should because of how bad I have taken it all, that's when he called me a martyr, can you imagine your own son calling you that all whilst trying to get through this

I feel I am getting kicked while I am down and feel that right now I don't have what it takes to deal with and do what needs to be done..

Stop giving him money. At an appropriate time, ask him what it was about and make it clear he does not shout/ criticise you in front of the children. If he doesn't like it, he can lump it and can find another cash machine somewhere else, that perhaps he will treat a little better. You are his mum, who sounds like a good person. He sounds ( and it seems behaves) like a spoilt brat. Situations like this really anger me because your son does not know how lucky he is to have a mum like you.

he sounds like a bully.
shouting in front of children.
demanding money from you.
you have to remove yourself from his power to hurt you.
any arrangements re GC, do it by text/email.
avoid him as much as poss.
don't expect anything from him, then you won't be disappointed.
protect yourself.
all the best.
ps: i knew a man who had lost an arm in the first world war. he said it affected how he walked, threw him off balance.
losing a loved one throws us off balance, and is a bit like losing a limb. we have to go on somehow, we have to adapt, find ways to do things, and it's more difficult, just to do ordinary things, like walking was for the man without an arm.

So sorry about your husband it's obvious you are fragile from his loss.
Why is your son asking you for money is he drinking and not managing very well.
If he is having problems it is no excuse to be rude and vent on you.
A conversation needs to be had over the phone maybe easier for you. You need ground rules when you have your grandchildren. A proper time scale for drop off and and pick up. You have to tell your son an outburst in front of the children is disrespecting you. It maybe upsetting the children too. Under no circumstances is it acceptable behaviour.
Talk to your friends about your stress and anxieties missing your husband. They will listen to you and it will make you feel a bit better talking always does.

Are not supporting you.

Sorry for the rubbish quality of my tying but my arthritis is bd to tonight.

DerbyshireLass

Sorry to read this. Your fond behaviour is disgraceful. Sadly I appears that some families treat their widowed mothers very badly. I am a widow myself and it is something I have from many of my widowed friends.

And no I've no idea why it h

Oops sorry posted too soon.

I've no idea why it happens. But please know you're not alone. It's not right and it's not fair. Bereavement is hard enough without grown up children acting up.

When we are grieving we are vulnerable nd it's way to let
Things slide but I think you need to set up some boundaries.

You perhaps need to pick up and drop off times, avoid any confusion ms not give him an excuse to have a go at you. And maybe rethink the financial help you are giving him.

As for grief counselling .... it isn't for everyone and you really are not a martyr for deciding it's not for you. Tell your family in no uncertain terms to back off, that you will deal with your grief in your own way at you own pace.

Im sorry ro see that your family are bullying you. Please take care Of yourself and put your needs first. You need TLC and understanding whilst you work through your grief. It's a hard
Journey ms they are not
H

Perhaps it might be an idea?
In the meantime, just cut any arguments off, by putting down the phone if necessary.
Just explain that you're doing it because you don't want to argue,then do it.

You should not be treated like this by your son. He needs to learn some respect and to be honest I would stop giving him money. We all like to help our offspring but you don’t want to be treated like a doormat. You need to concentrate on YOU for now. Just take time for yourself, go for a walk, treat yourself, connect with a friend. A good suggestion to send the grandchildren out to their dad when he picks them up rather than you putting yourself in line for abusive remarks from your son.

I just don't know what to do if he tries to call me and how to handle this because this has happened just soo many times

He has made me feel like I need to start Therapy

Thank you Derbyshirelass

Sorry to read this. Your fond behaviour is disgraceful. Sadly I appears that some families treat their widowed mothers very badly. I am a widow myself and it is something I have from many of my widowed friends.

And no I've no idea why it h

That makes sense Missadventure but if he wants to be confrontational he will come to my car.

Perhaps you could arrange for your son to wait outside and your grandchildren go out to him, rather than him coming in?

Also, now that my eldest granddaughter is nearly 8 she understands what is going on and I honestly feel humiliated in front of her, it's all so heartbreaking for us both because she really does love me and was visibly upset by her dad's behaviour towards me

Totally agree sodapop with everything that you have said

I chatted with him just a couple of days ago, told him I feel you have no respect, he says sorry and today we have a repeat.

I am not sure that any amount of talking will make him show some respect

I feel so sad that the lovely day that I had with my two lovely granddaughters ended like that

Do I take them out again and put up with my sons horrid behaviour, what now so so upset

I don't understand why your son didn't call to find out where you were if he only wanted you to baby sit for an hour.
Your son sounds like he is looking for an argument Theodora and you are not strong enough at the moment to deal with him.
I agree with others, you need to sit down calmly with him and tell him how you feel. I certainly wouldn't be making 'loans' to someone who treated me like that son or no son.

I wish I had thought of that at the time curlywhirly, well I did say something along the lines but I have a great worry that he will start to raise his voice in front of the children so I keep things to a minimum , soo frustrating, honestly just when I need my family the most they are being so horrible and seem to be taking it in turns, was called a martyr's week by another family member for saying I wasn't keen on therapy and wanted to work things out for myself.."why are you so special" he said

From what you describe you have certainly done nothing wrong. If it was my son (and I suppose it depends on what kind of relationship you have with each other as to what you would say) I would have said:
'Hang on, you never said what time you wanted them back, thought I was doing you a favour having them all day! And a thank you wouldn't go amiss!'.

Oh Fragile because still haven't gotten over loosing my husband and getting used to living alone, which I just can't get used to no matter what I do or how hard I try

Yes he does ask for money if he needs it

I paid two months rent for him thus year, January and February

is it usual for you to give him money ? no questions asked.
that sounds concerning.
why are you feeling fragile just now ?
don't make yourself into a doormat.
good luck

When you're feeling calmer you need to ask him about this. He was rude and ungrateful when he picked up the children and out of order.

I'm not surprised you're confused, upset and angry Theodora, you have every right to be. So he's behaved this way today, having asked you yesterday for £100 toward his shopping which you gave him.

IMO he's got a bloody cheek, and if he were my son I'd tell him so.

No he did not at any time text or call and he gave me no time to bring them back at all

I am so confused upset and angry all at the same time

I don't know what just happened ?

That doesn't make sense Theodora. If he thought you were only having them for an hour, why didn't he come to collect them until 5.00 pm?

Did he at any point 'phone or text you to ask you where you were because he was at your house to collect them, or to ask you to drop them off?

Even with a breakdown in communication a but of gratitude and respect wouldn't hurt would it.

PS Yesterday he asked for £100 to help towards his shopping this week, which I gave him no questions asked