Talking to my 12 year old DGD about being autistic

Whilst I have no advice, this is very informative for me. I have 2 autistic grandchildren - 5 year old boy who is high functioning and 3 year old girl who appears to be more severe at the moment. I hope, that as autism seems to be more commonly diagnosed now, that it will be easier to explain their diagnosis to them. Still makes me want to cry though!

Tough one for you OP.
One of my grandchildren was diagnosed as Atypical asd when aged 8. The now adult says it helped the a lot. Always felt different, never fitted in. Knowing why helped and still does

This is a tough one OP.

If it were me I’d talk it over with your daughter about you both having a chat with your GD. Hopefully once you’ve explained to your daughter about your concerns you can move forward with this. My DD received a very late diagnosis for ASD and ADD and we’ve had an awful time with it, I’d hate that to be the case for you your GD.

I do hope school are on it and offering good support and helping her. Best of luck.

Having met and seen any problems/successes of one autistic child is just that. Little help with another autistic child.

My eldest g.son was diagnosed when 5 year of age. Many difficult times ocurred - some extremely so. Did finally go to special school for autistic children for last three secondary years. Learned many management techniques. Now, still with quite a few problems, at the age of 22 years, nearing end of second year of 4-year Masters Degree course in chemical studies. It does seem as if things are getting better, but who knows.

His sister did receive her diagnosis until well into her teens. Different person, different problems, different techniques for management required.

Read these comments/observations with interest. My grandson is diagnosed but, apart from being slow to speak, presents as any other nero-typical child. My 3 year old granddaughter however is on the point of being diagnosed and is much more obviously on the spectrum. Brings comfort to hear stories here but, I can’t lie, I’m also heartbroken at times and wish it wasn’t so.

I am surprised that her mum has not yet talked with her about this, especially given her professional role.

I have a DGD (currently wishing to transition) who has a similar diagnosis. I have never actually talked with her about this - though of curse his/her parents do - but I just keep finding ways to bolster his/her confidence, and of course telling her how proud I am of her/him. And struggling with pronouns, as you can see!

My DGS is on the autistic spectrum and also has dyslexia. He has known about his diagnosis from the beginning and I think that has helped him. There is a ven diagram somewhere on the internet that shows a link between all the various diagnoses of dyspraxia, dyslexia, ADHD and autism etc. DGS took this to school and he and others found common links.

Perhaps if your DGD has a bad time socially tell her things can improve as she gets older and develops more skills.
Nothing weird about her we are all different, I hope she gets on ok

It sounds like your DD is resisting admitting it. Perhaps she fears that by doing that she will be labelling her daughter and there is no going back. I do think you are right in saying you need to have the conversation with her as your DGD really needs the all the help and encouragement she can get to manage her secondary school years and further education as well as her mental health. My DS is 35 and has been referred for an assessment for autism. Looking back there were a few signs but we put things down to him being "DS". It has not hampered him. He went to uni and is a successful programmer and developer but he is himself - he does drumming and is interested in Druidism, will not be rushed, researches everything he does/buys etc and has very involved and interesting help and communication with his Spanish boss who is very helpful. His DP is very supportive as well and I think he just wants to find out why he is the way he is. DH is (not in his hearing) skeptical but DH family don't believe in things like depression, poor mental health etc which I find hard as I was a nurse. DS is actually very like DH who I believe has autistic tendencies as well. It is strange to me as DH, DD1 are teachers, DsiL is policeman and they are all very "A" type personalities who rush about and think they are always right. Myself and DD2 are nurses and not so dominant and tend to think the best of people while thinking we are failing all the time. Anyway DS has a lot of friends who are autistic and they support each other. He has had this friendship group since graduating and I think they have and still do help each other. Starrynight you sound like you will be a huge support to your DGD and ultimately to your DD's family so well done and stick with it and hopefully your DGD will get the help she needs and friends she can rely on.

I’m autistic. I would suggest you say ‘many people’ rather than ‘you’ think differently. I found it more comforting to learn that I often saw things in a particular way, rather than in a different way. For many years I felt alone thinking it was just me. Also, not everyone who is autistic has special super powers like the stereotype usually implies! For women in particular it is often a curse as it is so tied up with social situations and women are expected to be better at these naturally.

Let us know how you get on. Good luck

Many thanks to all for your thoughtful answers. I need to speak to my daughter and to make a plan for telling DGD in a loving way. I'll use what I've read here to help formulate a plan . I think my daughter just can't face doing this by herself - thankfully we have a very close relationship so we can do this together . My DGD does need to know why she is like she is, so she doesn't have to struggle.

pamela if she can learn right from wrong then probably sadly

As you say violetsky autism comes in many forms , my nephew, not highly functioning, is very unlike my friend. There would be no point talking to him about his situation because he wouldn’t understand at all. He will have to be helped to cope all through his life. Thank goodness he has siblings.

My friend is very literal. Perhaps, unlike you, she is just a nasty person?

Make sure each individual teacher knows the situation. My grandson, good at maths, but not brilliant, had a really hard time , being asked for immediate answers and reasons etc., till daughter told of autism, he had no knowledge. Much better now!

My granddaughter has autism, she had a horrible time at school and had no help at all as because she was clever she presented as well behaved and middle of the class. In reality she should have been near the top of the class if only she had had help. I do hope your granddaughter’s school are helping her.

Autism is an umbrella pamela that's certainly not confined to being black and white and saying what you think. Some people with autism dont present like that at all.

I am likely autistic, not diagnosed and while I am literal and say what i am thinking I dont tend to fall out with many people because I dint tend to think anything horrible lol

I have a lot of sensory issues, I dont get many jokes but do have a sense of humour, if you and I are walking towards each other in a corridor I will get this wrong and make it awkward every single time by simply stopping dead and not knowing ehat to do next. I butt into conversations because im not good at working out the best time to blurt out the important thing I need to tell you. I have severe social anxiety but my job happens to be my special interest and I can confidently regale anyone with my knowledge on the subject lol

I love autistic people honestly, so much easier to get on with and i work well with autistic people too

My friend, 66 is autistic. At least I presume she is, of course she has never been diagnosed. She is quite bewildered that she is the age she is without having any very close friends or relations.
She just ** everyone off. Everything is black and white and she tells people what she thinks. Sometimes not a good idea!

My point is that It probably would have been a good idea if she had been taught some coping skills. She is a very unhappy person.

Could you show your daughter this thread or even just read out the posts?

I really think it is important for her to be told as it explains why she is who she is. It doesn't matter that she might be different, whatever that may mean but for a teenager it is important to understand why she may feel or behave differently to others and that it is actually okay

I don't agree with your daughter's stance and I'm not surprised you are worried.

I do agree it us up to the mum in this sitiation to decide the right time to tell her daughter.

This is a difficult stage for young girls and they have so much to deal with already.

Mum may have very good reason to wait and I dont want my comments to undermine her in this

Its a hard coversation its important to be ready for

Makes sense VioletSky. Now she knows and can begin to draw up what I've heard others call their 'operating manual' ie what it takes for them to feel OK (note OK is good enough, means life can go on. Nobody is happy all the time).
One of the key things that my study found helps is a buddy ie a person to tell what to do, to explain the rules of the playground, office politics, parties, relationships including intimate ones. I suppose another name for that is a friend.

I asked my daughter and she said they should be told because it is part of who they are.

I asked her how she felt when i told her and she said that she didnt want it but she would rather know.

I asked her if knowing had helped her in any way and she said that she didn't know.

But I know all the ways I help her with her diagnosis... 1 of which was just shown when I answered approximately 17 questions about why I asked her 3 questions lol

And I just this second realised that, that is one of the ways knowing her diagnosis actually helps her because she doesn't need to mask around me and she can ask me all the questions.

She knows there are people in her life it is ok to be herself around and she doesnt ever have to mask and risk meltdowns by doing so. She also knows meltdowns will happen due to masking elsewhere so there are adults who will allow her space to be overstimulated and overwhelmed safely. She also knows I will let her wear that ratty old pair of leggings out of the house and I wont make her uncomfortable by wearing something that doesn't feel ok.
She knows I will manage her sensory issues with her rather than her trying to do what she thinks others want.

One example, before she was diagnosed, if we went out for the day she would ask to go to the toilet and then not go which could be frustrating for her and me if we needed to walk a while to get there. She didnt understand she needed to decompress and was overstimulated, so she couldn't communicate the need for a small quiet space to me. She just had the idea that going to the toilet would help her feel better as it had before, not why that would be.

Now she knows she is autistic she knows that she gets overstimulated and she can ask for a quiet space and we can create that in multiple ways, even if that is both of us sitting cross legged on the floor regardless of where we are with our heads together breathing.

She knows she has different needs to neurotypical people and that she can meet those needs and doesn't always have to pretend she is like everyone else and make a simple day out an awful experience she later has to recover from.

I hope i explained that well

I'll attach the theme table of my findings. I was keen to find out from adult women with autism what they found to be their main life challenges and what would have been helpful when they were younger.

Your gd is going to therapy and your dd has experience in this matter.

As a grandparent, you are an observer. You may not be aware of all the details going on in the background.

Just another point the mother doesn’t have to sit and say point blank ‘you ve got autism’ it’s just about expressing normality and positivity in her different traits