Talking to my 12 year old DGD about being autistic

My 8 year old GS recently had the same diagnosis. He knows that he is autistic as his parents have told him in order to explain why he has had various visits to educational and psychological specialists. They tell him that autism means that he thinks about things in a different way to other people, but this is also the reason that he has brilliant ideas and is good at various school subjects. They always stress that it also means that it makes him the special person that they love. I hope you find a solution.

Thanks - I wish she had just known naturally at the time of testing, like your GS. . But she was getting a lot of OT therapy so I guess it wasn't obvious that the autism testing was happening.

My grandson is autistic. His mother, my daughter, has explained this, and given him books to read, I don’t know the names of these books, but if you ‘Google’ them I am sure you will find them. Also get in touch with the National Autistic Society. Make sure the secondary school knows of the diagnosis, junior school pass on info, but not all s. schools pass this to all teachers.
When I comment on something my grandson has done, or usually not done, he says”Well G’ma you know what I’m like!” Pretty cool I think!
Good luck.

I think your daughter is doing your granddaughter a disservice here. She needs to be given her diagnosis and have it explained to her. She knows she is different to other girls, and I wonder if she is being name called at school. This would explain her notice on her bedroom door.
My granddaughter is 15 now and was diagnosed with high functioning autism at 13. We are waiting an assessment for her as she suspects that she may also have ADD.
My granddaughter was pleased to have her diagnosis as it helped her to understand herself better. She now also can explain to others that her brain is wired differently and she doesn't always think the same way as them.

Your daughter is clearly experienced in this situation and it really has to be up to your gd parents to discuss and manage.
You can still support your gd by saying the sort if things you mention.
We are in a similar situation, the elephant is in the room but never mentioned. In this case an adult but possibly a child the same age as your gd.
This does run in families so there may be others in the family also affected, it’s difficult. Just let her know she is loved and valued.

Well what a shame. Poor girl. My research into the life experiences of females with autism was very revealing. Every single one of the women I interviewed for it said they wished they'd known earlier as it would have saved them from thinking they were were mad or weird. They were all diagnosed as adults and had post diagnostic counselling to help them come to terms with their diagnosis. Virtually all of them were happy to be diagnosed and a key feeling was one of relief.

I completely agree Aveline perhaps you could talk to your daughter Starrynight and offer to help with this difficult conversation she needs to have with your granddaughter.
I'm sure there are support groups out there with families who have been in this situation, their advice would be helpful too.

My youngest daughter is around the same age.

She knows she is autistic, I also work in education and have done courses.

I dont know if knowing she is autistic makes any difference to my daughter, she gets very little intervention at school and she chooses not to tell her friends which causes issues but thats her choice to make.

Maybe I will ask her and get back to you

But personally I thought it was something she should know in order to love and accept herself. She isnt neurotypical, she may face issues that others don't and she is amazing

I’m a nana to 5- two of the 3 boys have a diagnosis of autism. The youngest was diagnosed when he was 2 (now 6) the other not until this year, he is 11. The experience with them both has been very different as they have both presented in very different ways.
The elder one has grown up with some understanding about autism having lived through the experience of having a younger brother who was very young when he received his diagnosis. Like your GD he experiences difficulties with social interactions and recognises in himself that he is not quite like his peers.
My daughter made choice to talk about what was happening from the outset, so my experience is not the same as yours. All I can offer is that there are a number of organisations who support families to work through all the questions and emotions that can be brought up. They can help grandparents as well as parents to talk things through. There is also some very good literature out there to support your with her understanding once your D is ready to talk to her.
I hope you and your family can find the support you need

VioletSky - I think your last paragraph says it all. I work in a centre for children with additional support needs, many of whom are on the autistic spectrum. I think it's important to let them know that being autistic doesn't mean there's anything 'wrong' with them, and I think what you've said there sums it up well.

Is your DGD still having sessions with a therapist? Because if so I would have imagined that would be the person to discuss the diagnosis with her. I also wonder about the school setting is she receiving extra support and are meetings being held to support her? If so at some point she may want to attend those meetings and her opinion will be asked. It woud seem sensible for someone to explain things to her asap.

Do you think your DD and SIL need some counselling to help them come to terms with the diagnosis? they seem to be brushing it under the carpet a bit. Ask them if they are ok with you speaking to your DGD about her therapy sessions and what she does there and her feelings about it. The conversation can progress from that. Yes she is different but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. We are all different in our own way .

I think when talking to her if the word weird comes up ask her if she likes thinking she’s weird ( using her word) some kids do rejoice in being ‘different’ and it could be that she’s picked up on the word in a positive way, however it could be the reverse so then if she says ‘of course not Nan it’s what the others call me,’ then without using the word autism I d bring into the conversation famous people who have been considered ‘weird’ particularly anyone not too ancient so she can see that she can be famous or successful
When my granddaughter was diagnosed with dyslexia we talked about all the famous people with dyslexia She was afforded help at school but refused it all point blank as she didn’t want to be different to others She’s worked it out for herself and is now successfully studying psychology and criminology at Uni

However I do agree with others that the mum sweeping it under the carpet isn’t helping at all at 12 she will know very clearly that she’s ‘different’ what she does need to know is that ‘different’ can be fantastic

Just another point the mother doesn’t have to sit and say point blank ‘you ve got autism’ it’s just about expressing normality and positivity in her different traits

Your gd is going to therapy and your dd has experience in this matter.

As a grandparent, you are an observer. You may not be aware of all the details going on in the background.

I'll attach the theme table of my findings. I was keen to find out from adult women with autism what they found to be their main life challenges and what would have been helpful when they were younger.

I asked my daughter and she said they should be told because it is part of who they are.

I asked her how she felt when i told her and she said that she didnt want it but she would rather know.

I asked her if knowing had helped her in any way and she said that she didn't know.

But I know all the ways I help her with her diagnosis... 1 of which was just shown when I answered approximately 17 questions about why I asked her 3 questions lol

And I just this second realised that, that is one of the ways knowing her diagnosis actually helps her because she doesn't need to mask around me and she can ask me all the questions.

She knows there are people in her life it is ok to be herself around and she doesnt ever have to mask and risk meltdowns by doing so. She also knows meltdowns will happen due to masking elsewhere so there are adults who will allow her space to be overstimulated and overwhelmed safely. She also knows I will let her wear that ratty old pair of leggings out of the house and I wont make her uncomfortable by wearing something that doesn't feel ok.
She knows I will manage her sensory issues with her rather than her trying to do what she thinks others want.

One example, before she was diagnosed, if we went out for the day she would ask to go to the toilet and then not go which could be frustrating for her and me if we needed to walk a while to get there. She didnt understand she needed to decompress and was overstimulated, so she couldn't communicate the need for a small quiet space to me. She just had the idea that going to the toilet would help her feel better as it had before, not why that would be.

Now she knows she is autistic she knows that she gets overstimulated and she can ask for a quiet space and we can create that in multiple ways, even if that is both of us sitting cross legged on the floor regardless of where we are with our heads together breathing.

She knows she has different needs to neurotypical people and that she can meet those needs and doesn't always have to pretend she is like everyone else and make a simple day out an awful experience she later has to recover from.

I hope i explained that well

Makes sense VioletSky. Now she knows and can begin to draw up what I've heard others call their 'operating manual' ie what it takes for them to feel OK (note OK is good enough, means life can go on. Nobody is happy all the time).
One of the key things that my study found helps is a buddy ie a person to tell what to do, to explain the rules of the playground, office politics, parties, relationships including intimate ones. I suppose another name for that is a friend.

I do agree it us up to the mum in this sitiation to decide the right time to tell her daughter.

This is a difficult stage for young girls and they have so much to deal with already.

Mum may have very good reason to wait and I dont want my comments to undermine her in this

Its a hard coversation its important to be ready for

I really think it is important for her to be told as it explains why she is who she is. It doesn't matter that she might be different, whatever that may mean but for a teenager it is important to understand why she may feel or behave differently to others and that it is actually okay

I don't agree with your daughter's stance and I'm not surprised you are worried.

Could you show your daughter this thread or even just read out the posts?

My friend, 66 is autistic. At least I presume she is, of course she has never been diagnosed. She is quite bewildered that she is the age she is without having any very close friends or relations.
She just ** everyone off. Everything is black and white and she tells people what she thinks. Sometimes not a good idea!

My point is that It probably would have been a good idea if she had been taught some coping skills. She is a very unhappy person.

Autism is an umbrella pamela that's certainly not confined to being black and white and saying what you think. Some people with autism dont present like that at all.

I am likely autistic, not diagnosed and while I am literal and say what i am thinking I dont tend to fall out with many people because I dint tend to think anything horrible lol

I have a lot of sensory issues, I dont get many jokes but do have a sense of humour, if you and I are walking towards each other in a corridor I will get this wrong and make it awkward every single time by simply stopping dead and not knowing ehat to do next. I butt into conversations because im not good at working out the best time to blurt out the important thing I need to tell you. I have severe social anxiety but my job happens to be my special interest and I can confidently regale anyone with my knowledge on the subject lol

I love autistic people honestly, so much easier to get on with and i work well with autistic people too

My granddaughter has autism, she had a horrible time at school and had no help at all as because she was clever she presented as well behaved and middle of the class. In reality she should have been near the top of the class if only she had had help. I do hope your granddaughter’s school are helping her.