Abusive Son

Why not ring the Elder abuse line given earlier in this thread and talk your situation through with them.

In the meanwhile why not start gently to distance yourself from your son by, perhaps, not justifing anything you cannot do. if he asks for extra help. Just say you cannot do it.

Ring the advice line and if your son gets abusive again. Just say to him that he is abusive and that you are seeking advice about your legal rights. Actually do that anyway, it would be difficult for him to prove whether you had or not.

Then make it clear to him that your help with the children is dependent on his good behaviour and that if he cannot be courteous then you cannot provide care.

Thank you all for your lovely comments and advice. To be honest I believe I will be estranged from my GS's and perhaps it will be for the best for me as yes I have to think about my Partner and also my health but it will also break my heart. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive my Son and DIL if it does happen.

As hard as it is, no one should have to have a relationship with an abusive person.

If you have done nothing to warrant being called something like "horrible" ie, not respected his parentimg rules or literally been horrible to him or a grandchild... Then you are right, he is being abusive.

As much as you love your son and grandchildren, your health and happiness has to come first

Like smoothie i have looked at past threads. One thing I noticed that whenever you cannot do something for your son, you are almost abjectedly apologetic. You describe an incident when you said you couldn't babysit at short notice and ^ that you hoped he didn't mind. The result was a torrent of abuse, which you enabled by asking whether he minded. of course he did and responded in his usual way.

If you cannot do any thing he asks, just say quietly and firmly that it isn't possible and leave it at that. There is absolutely no reason why you should tell hm why you can't do something.You have said you can't, and that is that.

If I had a son who behaved like this, I would risk estrangement, the chances are that your grandchildren are learning how to talk and treat you from your sons behaviour and your acquiescence. How soon before your grandchildren treat you as rudely and badly as their parents?

My goodness I just skimmed a few of your other posts, you’ve got to find a way to untangle yourself from your son, he has you spun up tight in his web, like a toy that he can take off of his shelf whenever he wants, he demands that you “play”. I wonder if he would appreciate it if you were the one constantly relentlessly demanding his presence or favors every hour of the day. I see this sort of thing a lot online nowadays, the entitled parents just pushing and pushing the grandparents to “preform”. It’s the inverse of the overbearing mother-in-law schtick! You must be so touched out, I’m sorry.

Is it possible for you to cut down on some communication with him? As in, take an extra couple of hours to response to any of his messages or calls, become a bit unreliable in the sense that he no longer expects a prompt reply when he snaps his fingers. Maybe you’ve gotten a new phone or changed your ringtone, so it’s harder to hear when the phone rings and “no son I won’t change it back” because you got sick of the old ringtone. Or even the battery on your current phone is “shot” and you “have to” keep it plugged in much more often, therefore you aren’t as available because your phone isn’t always in your pocket.

Normally I wouldn’t suggest the above because it’s not the healthiest thing to tell white-lies but I fear that without an alibi I suppose your son would retaliate. Terrible that you have to live this way.

Iam64

Having a foul temper isn’t an excuse for losing it and shouting at other people. Especially in front of children.

Of course. However, the only person we can change is ourselves.

Abusive behaviour is often learned has your son witnessed you being verbally abused in the past?
You should tell your son you need a word in private about his manner and behaviour.
You will not tolerate his aggression any longer he needs to get the message. You will have to be stern and mean what you say. There is plenty of support and advice here. I hope you turn it into a positive outcome.

Do you have any idea why he is so abusive? if you know the cause it can be used to shape your response.

Edge26 you are being "Abused" by your son.

Some lovely replies already and some good advice but I really don't think you are equipped or prepared to follow the good advice YET.

IF, I stress IF, you want to Take Better Care of Yourself then there are a number of things you need to do in order to gain the Skills and Techniques you will need to take that better care of yourself.

The "things" are mostly about learning and then practicing the What to say and the How to say them.

If you want to be better prepared to address your son's behaviour start by researching what counts as "Abuse" in its differing forms. There's lots of good information and help on the web.

Once you gain some clear understanding of "How" he delivers the abuse - you've said he is verbally abusive - "What Effect" his abuse has on you - you are upset - by his Bullying.

You already understand both these and you have clear understanding of "What" he wants to "Get" from his Emotional Blackmail - more childcare.

So you've made a good start by having clarity of "What" he is doing, "How" that effects you and "What he wants to get out of "Abusing" YOU.

IF, you want to have better Defence against your Abusive son once you're more informed around the forms of abuse then you need to move on to Assertiveness Training.

Research, read, read until you have a good understanding of what Assertiveness is and How to use it.

If you have a friend who you could do the work with that's good because once you've got the understanding you need to practice, practice, practice what you've learned.

If you can find a course or afford a Counsellor to support you through this work even better.

You are 1 caring person up against 2 adults who want to maximise your Usefulness by any means.

You - very reasonably - want to be Useful but your inner self wants to be Respected and Valued.

I used "Useful" and "Valuable" a lot in my work as they are simple small words that allow people to analyse and evaluate "How" they are treated by others, "How" they gave Permission for the relationship get into its current state and most importantly "What" the person can do to change things.

I used to ask clients to start by "Being Valuable to Themselves". If we only see ourselves as "Useful" others will too.

Even when we understand ourselves as "Valuable" others may not but at least then we are clear and can start making "Choices" as to "How" we take care of ourselves and/or move the relationship forward.

I may be wrong but I read your post as coming from a person wants to make changes in the transactions between mother and son.

A person who instinctively knows she is being abused and bullied but doesn't - AS YET- know How to take care of herself OR even if she is being reasonable in wanting to have a say in her own life.

You have the Right to Your Life. Being Helpful (Useful) to you children and GC is what you are doing. Bullying you to get More from you is Wrong Treatment of you but only you can change things.

I wish you the best possible outcome and I sincerely hope you do the reading, gain the knowledge and practice the skills you will need to take better care of yourself because sadly your son and DiL will not change their behaviour towards you. They hope to gain too much from you -Free Chid Care.

But he expects horrible nanny to look after his children! What a charmer! What a awful thing to say to you Edge! and in front of your grandson, I know there’s no way I’d be allowing any of my AC to disrespect me! So if you cannot look after your grandchildren for any reason you are deemed horrible! Oh right! I don’t know old he is but he sounds extremely immature and acting like a ten year old! Does he also stamp his feet!

Having a foul temper isn’t an excuse for losing it and shouting at other people. Especially in front of children.

Smileless2012,
Thank you for advice. I have often thought about what you have mentioned, and yes it is up to only me to make decisions. It is very hard and I welcome all your advice.

You're very welcome.
Phone them for a chat, perhaps?

I'm sure age UK have something similar. (That may be better)
Hopefully they can direct you to the right people.

They do act on these things too, in my experience.

Thank you MissAdventure.

Helpline: 0808 8088 141 - Action on elder abuse.

There are helplines you can phone, presumably for advice, as well as reporting abuse.

I'll Google for you, if you seriously think that being rude to you is abuse.

It would depend, for me, if I felt actually threatened.

I'm sure you are torn between maintaining a relationship with the children, and kicking your son out the door.

All you can do is respond quietly and firmly "I hear you say that I am horrible, it would be better not to use such words in front of the children, will you need me to look after them next week?"

Also, (although I am sure you already do), always speak positively to the children about their parents. Your comments will be relayed in some form to mum and dad.

Just seen your post @11.18 Edge so this is clearly an example of emotional blackmail, you are being abused and the only one who can put a stop to it is you .

I'm so sorry that this situation with your son isn't improving Edge.

Only you can decide whether or not it's worth putting up with his abuse in order to maintain your relationship with him and your GC.

My advice FWIW is that the next time he speaks to you in that manner, you tell him calmly and quietly that you wont tolerate it and if he can't be polite he'll have to leave.

Of course you don't want the children to witness any unpleasantness between their father and GM and as long as you remain calm, there needn't be any.

That said, do you want your GC to grow up thinking that it's OK to be verbally abusive to others?

You say you look after them 2 afternoons a week, something your son may like to consider the next time he treats you disrespectfully. There are too many parents/GP's being treated badly by their AC because they're afraid that if they stand up for themselves, they'll become estranged.

Narrowboatnan,
No, he is not joking, he means it. I am a good Nanny when I am looking after my GS's and helping out if I can, and a terrible Nanny if they ask me to do something and i can't.

Grandmabatty,
Yes, I have posted before , ongoing situation with my son.

I would have to respond, not shouting or crying but something like , "that comment hurt me very much and I hope your children respect you more than you respect me" and turn and walk away. Hopefully it will hit home but not sure what you can do in the long term without him cutting your contact with your GC.

In my home, I'm in charge - and make sure that they know it. I treat them fairly, all the same, grandchildren and adult children alike.

I made my daughter (aged 35) sit on the naughty step for being bad tempered and swearing at my granddaughter - who was absolutely delighted!

My DD has a filthy temper, and at times says things to me in front of my GS that no child should ever hear.

However, I do try not to respond in kind. I also try not to shout, because DGS hates it.

I would never report or cut off contact though, because I wouldn't want to lose touch my with DGS. Can you do that? You don't have to agree or like what he does, but try to rise above it.

Model the behaviour you want your GS to remember you for.

Oh, Edge , I’m sorry that you feel your son is being abusive. Are you sure he means to be horrible, or is he just joking? I think I’d be inclined to ask him in what way you are being horrible or say something like ‘Well, that’s not a very nice thing to say, is it?’ Do your grandchildren say things like it too? Children do tend to copy, don’t they.