Explanation death to a five year old

My GC have been told that when someone is very old or ill ( or both) the doctors can no longer do anything to make them better they come to the end of their life. Everyone and everything comes to the end of life at some point. We will always have a little bit of them in our hearts and lives.

LauraNorderr. Thank you

I can understand to a point why atheists don’t want talk of heaven etc,but we don’t tell children the truth about Father Christmas,we let them believe,and they fall onto the truth when a bit older.What’s wrong with heaven,can’t they make up their own minds when a bit older?

I can remember my son, when he was around four, suddenly saying in a very matter of fact way....of course, when you die you come back as another baby. Nobody had talked to him about such things...

Years ago I went to a non religious funeral, and the woman who was conducting it said that although we cannot know about after life, we must remember that we have all had another, different existence before we came into this world. As babies in the womb, we were sentient beings, able to hear, living and functioning, and if anyone had been able to tell us that soon we would be in an entirely different world, would we have believed this? I have thought about that often.

We wanted our children to understand death as much as their limited years would allow. No particular reason but we didn't want the reality of death to hit hard should it suddenly happen. Perhaps a little blunt as we feel 'when you're dead, you're dead', no room for ambiguity.

We told them that everything with a heartbeat dies, some sooner than others but generally when they are old and just like with a car, parts wear out and that's the end for them. We asked the children how there would be room for all the babies being born around the world if the very old people didn't die? (I know, I know but we were at a different stage in life and am now seeing the other side of the coin! I still feel it's true, though).

The same granddaughter peered at me intently and announced 'you're quite old, you may die soon', which is fine by me - not the dying but that the child has processed and accepted death. Years ago early death was common but with modern medicine far less so; today's children are not as conversant with death.

My daughter was once very ill in hospital whilst on their American holiday. Her five-year-old breezed in and brightly said 'Mummy, if you die, can I have your new sunhat?', so children can be pragmatic, too!

I love that Rosina, it really made me think. That is something I won’t forget especially when trying to explain to my grandchildren where you go when you die. I certainly don’t believe in the heaven I was told existed when I was a child, but wouldn’t it be fabulous if there was something or somewhere else where you could meet up with people yesterday u had loved and lost? Fingers crossed!

When my daughter had to have their beloved dog put to sleep she told my 5 year old grandson that Lucy had gone to live in the stars. She pointed out the brightest star in the sky to him and said that was her. He accepted this and even now he mentions that Lucy is in the stars.

Meet up with people that you had loved and lost….where did yesterday come from?! And I thought I’d read if through……..

As a primary school teacher, I have found that addressing big issues through a story can be a good way of putting death in its context - as a part of life, and allowing a child to explore their thoughts without it actually having to be about them (if you see what I mean - sorry not feeling very articulate!) Something like Badger's Parting Gifts. x

Sleepygran

I can understand to a point why atheists don’t want talk of heaven etc,but we don’t tell children the truth about Father Christmas,we let them believe,and they fall onto the truth when a bit older.What’s wrong with heaven,can’t they make up their own minds when a bit older?

Just because death is sad doesn't mean we should shy away from it

I was raging at the world when my dad died and so devastated. My son, aged six at the time sagely explained to me “people have to die mum, to make room for new ones”. He’s a doctor now, a bit worrying really.

My first husband was 35 when he died in a car accident, and my children were 3 and 4. When I said that Daddy had died, one of them said "What's died?" I tried to explain that normally people lived to be old. But then I said that if one of their toys had an accident and was broken, it didn't function any more just as Daddy had been hurt. I must have mentioned Heaven, because when the phone rang my son said: "Is that Daddy ringing from Heaven?"

My daughter related a lovely happening on this matter. Her friends lost their two year old to cot death. A few months later my daughter was looking after the older brother who was playing with her children. It was a frosty clear starlit winter evening and as the little boy (about 6 at this stage) was running past the open back door he looked out and saw a bright star. "Oh look!" he said. "There's Gregor. Hello Gregor." He waved his hand and ran on. That to me epitomises how the subject should be dealt with with a young child. To be able to wave to his little brother kept him 'still there'. So tell a child that when you die you become a beautiful star in the sky.

I am another one in support of the book " Water bugs and dragonflies ". My nephews were very young when my DlL died of cancer. They were given the book by the Hospuce that had cared for their mum. It is a lovely book. Very small but beautifully written.
There are also lots of picture books which tackle the subject of death very gently and sensitively

I'ts a sensitive subject But children find their own explanation.
When one of our bordie collies, who chased cars, really suicidal, eventually met his end,
A little boy who was in the car that hit him, saw him lying there, and said "I'l dort" . He's sleeping.

Having had lots of pets in our family has helped us talk about death. My daughter was with me when the vet put my beloved dog to 'sleep' and we both noticed the change in his eyes when he died. He just wasn't 'there' any more but we both felt his 'spirit' around for months afterwards - and occasionally even now. It seems very comforting somehow, but we all deal with death in our own way.

I always think it’s best to talk about these things honestly. If you aren’t religious it makes it easier in some ways. I think speaking in euphemisms can be confusing for children, best to relate it to the circle of life and that all living things die, just answer any questions that come from this as honestly as possible without getting too tied up in complicated detail. Children let you know if they’ve heard enough and will return for more (hopefully) once they have had time to think it through, or may just accept what you say

grandtanteJE65

Could you possibly persuade the child's father to ease up a little on his no talk about Heaven policy?

Whether you believe in an afterlife or not, the concept exists to make it easier to accept death.

The important thing is to tackle the little one's fear. Has anyone you know died recently, or has she just reached the stage of development where the reality of death dawns? Or has she been hearing too much about the war in the Ukraine?

Saying no-one really knows what happpens when we die is unlikely to make her less afraid, as after all, most of us are scared of the unknown.

I would suggest telling her that for some reason we do not really understand all life comes to an end. What happens when it does, we do not really know, but it could be the start of a great new adventure and that the people and things we love never leave us as long as we remember and love them.

Being told that death is the next great adventure made no real sense to the eleven year old Harry Potter, and will make less to your five year old granddaughter, but it might just be the most useful way of handling her fears.

As adults we know that most people are old when they die, but that young people can die too, but most children worry less if you simply say that neither she nor anyone else in the family is likely to die soon.

Obviously, you cannot say this, if some member of the family is already seriously ill, but that doesn't sound like the case.

If it is the war in Ukraine that is the reason for her fears, you need to assure her that there is no real likelihood of the war spreading to us.

We’ve had tears again tonight. No one in the family is currently ill and I don’t think she’s aware of the situation in the Ukraine. She is however really concerned about the Queen!! She knows she’s 96 and really old - I think they must have been talking about it at school. I have to say that tonight I said she could take whatever she wanted to heaven and as she would probably be a very old lady by the time she got there, she might prefer to take a bottle of gin to share with me instead of her toys. I suggested we would sit in our comfortable chairs knitting at which point she started crying saying she didn’t know how to knit! I have now had to promise to teach her how to knit. She forgets about it after a bit but it does make me sad to see her so upset.

Sleepygran

I can understand to a point why atheists don’t want talk of heaven etc,but we don’t tell children the truth about Father Christmas,we let them believe,and they fall onto the truth when a bit older.What’s wrong with heaven,can’t they make up their own minds when a bit older?

I agree. I don’t believe that telling her there is a heaven is going to do any long term damage, she might even decide for herself in later life that that is exactly what she does think. Luckily my SiL is actually quite reasonable so I don’t think there’s likely to be a family falling out over this.

Thanks to all those who have shared how they coped when a loved one died, I really appreciate it. I suppose to my granddaughter death is just a concept that worries her because she can’t make any sense of what happens- that goes for many others also. As I mentioned earlier I think the talk of the Queen at school and her great age has started off a train of thought in her head. I will make sure to look at all the links you have posted and check out the books mentioned. I’m sure they will be useful in the future, if or rather when, we have to tell her that a loved one has died. In the meantime, I think I will continue to use the phrase ‘some people believe that when we die we go to a place called heaven etc etc. because who really knows?