Gnawing thoughts at the back of my mind

M0nica

I worked as well as being Home Manager, but I had a standard 9 - 5 job, with occasional predictable travel. I am at my happiest when I am over-stretched. I work at either 110% or 10% and prefer the former, even in retirement.

Me too. If I don't have enough on I get lazy and eventually laziness turns into demotivation and then depression.

I'll always want to work, regardless of age.

Unfortunately, I don't have a husband and this is a bit off-track (so apologies) but I retired from nursing at 59 due to health problems, and all through the pandemic I felt guilty that I was not working as they needed so many nurses. However I reflected back on all the years I did work, including some very difficult jobs (children's hospice) and calmed myself down.

@M0nica "It is a bit clearer to me. DH's work included a lot of travel. Often at short notice for indeterminant periods of time. The most extreme was going to Egypt for three weeks and returning 3 months later.
This meant I took on the responsibility of being the family manager, and keeping the family organised and functioning. I saw that as my contribution to the money DH earned. He could go away and do his work with no worries about what was happening. So what he was paid was earned by both of us".
This is exactly what used to happen in our family, which was fine when I was at home with my young children but not so easy when I returned to work, initially part-time.
I only have a relatively small occupational pension but it pays the Council Tax and I have a state pension too. I appreciate that DH was happy to support me financially both when I supported the family at home and when I first retired and was hit by the change in expected State Pension date.
Now we've invested the money left after we downsized we both have more income in any case.

I had to continue working way past retirement age. I had 2 teenage daughters at university, and my husband had just left. I worked until I was 68 then I was forced to retire. I was able to do voluntary work with WVS for a few years, I also do a lot of knitting for charity. I have 2 West Highland Terriers which I walk 3 times every day. There are so many things you can find to do especially if you are financially secure. No one needs to be bored or feel guilty for not earning money.

Just enjoy it and be grateful. My partner always earned more than me but we have always split expenses 50/50. He is a spender and I am a saver which has always been a bit of a problem between us. I retired 5 years ago on not a very big pension but able to manage fine. He has now retired but working part time and is spending his way through his lump sum at an alarming rate. All on himself I might add. Any suggestion that he may need the money in future starts an argument but what can I do?

It's tricky, isn't it, Granny14? I am the spender in our marriage, whereas my husband is a lot more careful with money.

I want to get things done to the house (new kitchen, decorating everywhere, the garden landscaped), and think that now is as good a time as any. Prices are rising, and inflation will erode our savings, plus we may as well get them done when we hope to have a good few years left to enjoy them - what's the point of having money in the bank when we're too old to do anything? He is concerned about 'rainy days' for ourselves and our children, and worries that if we spend too much now we might find that we need money later and it won't be there.

I don't think either of us is wrong or right - it comes down to attitudes in the end - but it's difficult to find a compromise, and it can be frustrating.

Maybe best to go with your heart and find some part time work....By the sound of your post you would feel much better in yourself....This way you could contribute more to the household and have some excess money for yourself.....My friend has never worked since she got married and has to ask her hubby for money each week....I could never have done that.....Like my financial independence to much

I .loved work but unfortunately due to health problems I had to give it up at the age of 59 just a year after my husbands health broke down. I only have a small private pension, state pension and some disability pension which probably only contributes about a third of our income. It was a joint decision that I went part time some years before retirement as ae had family responsibilities and also my husband who earned far more than me as I worked for a charity did very long hours. I can remember him giving me half of a bonus he received. I asked him why he didn't spend it on himself and he said without my support and all the things I did behind th4 scenes to make life smooth for him he wouldn't be able to do that job.I think often women underestimate their contribution to a marriage as it often can't be measured in monetary terms.

I would say stop beating yourself up! A marriage is a partnership. Your husband just happens to earn more than you did, but that doesn’t make him the ‘senior partner’. You have both contributed (and still do contribute) to your household in different ways, so are equal. Running a household is about more than earning the money. Ask yourself this, ‘would your husband’s life be as good if he didn’t have you?’ He might have the income but he wouldn’t have all the other things you have provided in the relationship. I don’t mean that you have been ‘a support in the background’ - you have been an equal partner in building your good lives together - that doesn’t happen just through money. Give yourself a pat on the back and enjoy your time together - it is often shorter than you anticipated.

Is there something creative that you're good at? Something that could be sold via Etsy or something?

It is not simply about money. We all bring different things to the table.

My thoughts exactly LizxieDrip.
by the way, please stop giving yourself a hard time. Marriage is a partnership, your DH earns more than you - and your point is...........?
So what ! You have and are contributing in so many different ways . Imagine how he would manage ( or not) without you. Stop worrying , enjoy your life together and remember you are of equal status within your marriage!

I never went to work after I had my children but I did a lot of voluntary work. Visited elderly housebound people and shopping for them. Visiting sick people. Etc.
My sister when she retired went to work in a charity shop.

Lots of good advice,non of us know what’s next health wise so
enjoy the now.

The OP is saying that her doubts are about contributing financially, not in other ways, though. Voluntary work wouldn't solve that problem, and would mean spending less time with her husband.

I don't really see how we can advise, tbh. So much depends on attitudes to money, relationships and so on, and these vary hugely between individuals. We can't (and shouldn't) change the OP's perspective, which is that she feels guilty for not contributing as much as her husband. That wouldn't (and doesn't) upset me at this stage in our lives, but it would have mattered to me not to have contributed financially to our family and to 'society' when I was younger, which isn't an issue for others. Everyone is different.

I was the breadwinner for most of our married life and my pensions, though not huge, make a larger contribution to our bank accounts which are both joint but I manage the one which pays the direct debits, outings, car/house maintenance and anything unexpected while DH does all the shopping and gardening purchases. He was the stay at home parent which enabled me to pursue a satisfying and challenging career in social work, first in hospitals and then with the military. I have done a lot of not very much since retiring, at 62, 12 years ago, apart from helping out family. I feel no guilt that I did no voluntary work during the pandemic, in part, it's true, because both our AC's were seriously ill, though not with Covid. I feel no guilt now that I am not volunteering to assist with the Ukrainian families arriving in our area even though I have a degree in Russian. My DGS has asked me to teach him Russian, though, as he has a Russian friend he wants to keep in touch with. Writing this I realise that, as the breadwinner, working long and often stressful hours, I am now focussing on family life more. DH is busy working as a volunteer on a rewilding project. We are content doing what we need to do rather than what we feel we ought to be doing.

The way this country is heading with Boris at the helm I am considering working from home as inflation means that should I be fortunate enough to live to a good age I might go from being comfortable to being destitute.

How much did you earn per hour? Add up all the house, garden, shopping etc you do...you are contributing a great deal to the home x

The difference is, to my mind and in my experience, the degree of stress that the partner working outside the home suffers. I have always felt that there is a good reason why men die earlier than women.

66th birthday coming up and work 4 days a week. Just wish I could afford to retire.

Germanshepherdsmum

Do you know what your financial position would be if something were to happen to your husband? Would you continue to receive money from his pensions, and if so how much? Would you need to work? If so, if you have skills maybe better to keep your hand in even if only part time or on a voluntary basis. None of us knows what tomorrow may hold.

This is very sound advice. Do you know what your financial situation would be if you were suddenly left on your own.

Think money can be viewed as be all and end all hard to explain but it’s just money? and however couples work it out, surely it doesn’t matter who has the most if it’s equal partnership and both sides content - not as if you havnt worked too, it’s true, if you were paid for all your house duties childcare etc im sure you wouldn’t feel bad ? enjoy and be grateful I’m sure he is grateful too

I feel the same as you at times.

DH works at sea and I'm in the fortunate position to join him.

I gave up my job a few years ago to join him when he became my fiancé, when he asked if I'd like to join him. I have tried to get work on the ships and have been offered a contract but it meant I wouldn't be guaranteed the same ship as him nor same sailing schedule. I had to turn it down as we didn't feel it would be in our best interests as a couple, and for the sake of our marriage. He continues to reassure me it is OK not to work.

So I now volunteer a spare hand if staff need help, unpaid, unofficial. I find it rewarding, despite not earning an income.

Best of luck!

That sounds like a good life, TwinLolly. I’m quite envious

Mixed thoughts here. Your DH is happy with things as they are and a huge part of me wants to say do things together, enjoy your time together and make the most of each day. The other part of me echoes pp’s who have asked whether you would be financially secure if something happened to DH. I was the higher earner and, with a big age gap, worked for many years after DH retired. I then retired but it wasn’t long before DH became terminally ill. When he died, even though I had the larger pension (but no State Pension yet) my income reduced significantly. It came as a massive shock as I thought we had prepared well for such an eventuality. This is why I have such mixed feelings.