Daughter doesn't list me as 'mum' in her phone anymore

And Grandmafrench.

Well said Smileless.

Is this it? Your only complaint is that your eldest Daughter doesn't list you as "Mum" in her phone contacts?
What do you want to happen now, after years of not communicating properly, clearly not spending a long time asking about her and her life (as confirmed by her Sister) or attempting, before it's too late, to try to put to rest all the sadness and distress that she has had to suffer in her life up to now? Do you want a proper relationship with her, because some of the things that you say are really odd, selfish or quite detached when set down in print.

You confirm that she (just dealing with the eldest in question) makes huge efforts in time and support for you. You confirm that she is suffering from PTSD and you are scared of how angry she must be over the damage which her Father was allowed to do. Allowed by you, of course, the Mother and the Adult - irrespective of what you worried you might lose. If you both can get close to accepting that the past is another country but that if you both want it hard enough, you may be able to put some stuff right in her head and get close to her, then surely you need to say what it is you would dearly love to do about this situation, and speak to her about it. There is no time to lose, you have wasted enough time. If you can't or won't communicate then there is nothing.

Taking the view that she may have been a good Mother, a good Wife should not be your concern or affair. You speak about her bad relationships with the surety of someone who would have got it right. Well, you never got it right and when faced with an appalling situation for your infant child, you did nothing about it until she was 11. No wonder she is stressed and mixed up and angry. No wonder she has been involved in abusive relationships - it seems that she had a good teacher. Surely you can see that and the fact that she has probably felt in life that she's really not worth much more.

You need to decide what you want from any relationship with her and you need to ask and listen and speak and support and begin to pay back the love and concern and help that she has offered you. She doesn't need to be 'let off' visiting you for a few weeks, she needs to be able to feel that she's welcome to visit or not visit her Mum and that nothing can change the warmth that you are prepared to show her, home or away. She's clearly got a good heart since she is hosting a refugee (?). Start appreciating her for not just all that she has gone through in her childhood which must have affected her throughout life, but the Daughter she is now. It doesn't matter what she calls you, if you want to get close you can only do that by talking, listening and telling her over and over how sad and sorry you are for what your inaction and poor decisions put her through. If you're lucky, she'll start to forgive you and you will have a relationship - if you do nothing there's no hope for that.

Your D has been diagnosed with complex PTSD no doubt due to the 9 years of abuse she suffered at the hands of her father. It's not uncommon for adults who witnessed and/or experienced abuse in childhood, to be drawn to abusers in their adult relationships.

You say the men she's had relationships with, you'd have passed by. I don't want to be harsh but I'm not sure what to make of that especially as you were taken in by an abusive partner who fathered your child and you stayed with for 11 years.

Getting this diagnosis at the age of 43 for trauma experienced in childhood, makes me think that she has spent many years hiding the impact that her childhood and abusive adult relationships have had on, her for the majority of her life. This could explain why she hides any anger she has toward you.

Maybe she simply doesn't know how to express it? Maybe she's afraid of what she might say? Maybe she's not sure if you'll be receptive, or maybe it's a combination of all 3. You say you don't know how to talk to her either so maybe joint counselling would be something to consider.

You say she'd "have been an excellent wife and mother but neither of these things have happened for her and (you) don't think she's the marrying sort"! I would have thought that her experience of men including her father, would deter a lot of women. You say you've never had "a successful relationship" with her, but isn't that only to be expected?

Your younger D has given you a good place to start by telling you that you don't show her your appreciation and gratitude for all she does, and don't ask her anything about her personal life. In addition, have you ever talked to her about her father, ever given her the opportunity to tell you how she felt at the time, and how she still feels about the abuse she suffered? More importantly, have you ever told her how guilty you feel and how sorry you are?

Your D is there for you, helping you to the point of showing "signs of stress and exhaustion", along with her sister. You're listed on her 'phone by your name, rather than as mum but at least you're there; at least you have her in your life.

Be thankful for that, there are so many parents who have no contact with their AC at all, who just dream of being contacted by their AC and wouldn't care if they were called mum or dad, just as long as they were contacted.