AIBU

westerlywind

Very few people realise just how much abuse there is from children both actual children and adult children towards parents of all ages.
Some adult children unashamedly use their children as blackmailing tools to get their children, the grandchildren, babysat or to control the grandparents. Many use the phrase "if you do not do this, pay that etc you will not see the grandchildren again.
Throw in a few demands for money and all sorts of things and there is abuse. Add in constant criticism and verbal abuse and the situation is toxic.
We are parents and grandparents not enslaved domestic servants
I do speak from experience

You're quite right.
Edge or anyone else for that matter doesn't have to give an explanation for anything. No should mean no and that's it.
I can't see either why DIL can't take both children to the seaside.
Abusive son or not there's too much dependence on grandparents.

Most family problems. Sun be resolved by talking. Some are complex and need an independent mediator. Some are so entrenched with patterns of allegations, counter allegations of abusive behaviour that they’re unlikely to change for the better.
It may be time for yiu to review your boundaries, expectations and limitations. Best of luck

Willow68

Well it really depends on the reason. It is not good to cancel, also dependant on how this will affect your relationship going forward … and if you might be left in a worse position of them not wanting you to see grandchildren in the future? There is a lot to think about I feel. And wouldn’t it be nice to spend a day with grandchild, even if you have issues with your son. I would have a good think about it, as you could end up getting very hurt. I’m not suggesting your reason is not a valid one, just to consider what this may mean going firearm. Good luck with this tough situation x

Going forward not firearm x

Well it really depends on the reason. It is not good to cancel, also dependant on how this will affect your relationship going forward … and if you might be left in a worse position of them not wanting you to see grandchildren in the future? There is a lot to think about I feel. And wouldn’t it be nice to spend a day with grandchild, even if you have issues with your son. I would have a good think about it, as you could end up getting very hurt. I’m not suggesting your reason is not a valid one, just to consider what this may mean going firearm. Good luck with this tough situation x

Good for you they sound ungrateful, do something that makes you happy

I do wonder if they even bothered to find someone else, or if the "last minute let down" is just an attempt to make you do it anyway.

If you have caller display on your phone, you don't need to answer if your son phones you. If he's as abusive as you say, you should ignore him.

If your son has been that abusive over you cancelling just one day, tell him to shove the other two days a week you do for him and DIL, and when he chooses to apologise you may reconsider YOUR position. He is taking you for granted and I would not stand for it. You did your time looking after him (and maybe siblings) when they were little. HIS children are HIS responsibility not yours.

I think a lot of you are having a go at the daughter in law and son because of past difficulties, none of us know anything about

The absolute only thing that has cause all this hoo ha and massive upset for everyone is because Edge said yes I ll look after him and then a short time later changed her mind and said sorry I can’t look after him It’s the equivalent of giving a present then telling them that you want it back.

That was a mistake I think you have to tell them how sorry you are or else revert back to having him for a lovely day together

I don’t understand if the relationship is so bad you have to call the police then why are you still even in a relationship !
Tell them you are going to take a break from seeing them and let things really calm down before they escalate beyond repair
(What a strange thing to suggest clipping an adult son!!! lollipop you live in a different world to me)

Very few people realise just how much abuse there is from children both actual children and adult children towards parents of all ages.
Some adult children unashamedly use their children as blackmailing tools to get their children, the grandchildren, babysat or to control the grandparents. Many use the phrase "if you do not do this, pay that etc you will not see the grandchildren again.
Throw in a few demands for money and all sorts of things and there is abuse. Add in constant criticism and verbal abuse and the situation is toxic.
We are parents and grandparents not enslaved domestic servants
I do speak from experience

I think I'd be upset if someone backed out of babysitting after they'd agreed to do it. I don't know the story of the family relationship but feel it would have been better to say no in the beginning rather than pull out later.

Why is your daughter in law incapable of looking after two small kids on beach for one day! My mother had six of us in ten years …..we often were on beaches and if on holidays and/or stately ho es/mazes/parks/London trips….. she taught us self reliance and stuck a piece of paper with our names and addresses in all our pockets. Only one of us went astray …on a beach … and ended up in the Mother Hubbard Shoe at the seaside … that was me …the youngest! She always says she was trying to lose me!!! For goodness sake …. two kids for one day…is she disabled!?

This situation has to be sorted and whatever decision you make has go be stuck go Edge 26....You, son and DIL are adults but it's those 2 children who will suffer in the long run listening to all the bickering....TBH I would have watched my grandson....Hes only a child and doesn't understand all the goings on in your family....He probably would have loved a granny day on his own....

Pity you hadn't been strong enough to say No when asked about the day out. Difficult to understand why DIL can't manage the two children for a day out. Has any reason been given. If as you say there is a large pool of family on DIL side to choose from for a babysitter pethaps they too have experienced your son's abusive nature hence no volunteers. Think you should keep your original promise and next time you are asked for a favour remember how you are feeling now. Can understand you wanting to try to keep contact to see GC. though once the younger one reaches school age you may find you are no longer regarded as useful and contact will stop. You seem to be in an awful situation.

Daisend1

Why not have said NO at the time your son asked for your help in looking after your five year old grandchild.
Whatever your reason for a change of mind is not the point your timing is.
Not too late to calm the water with a change of mind and offer your help by looking after your 5 year old GC.
You do not need me to tell you how quickly your five year old will no longer need his gran.Make the most of it before its too late.

Now Edge has taken all the flack for her decision not to mind the 2-y-o, it’s a terrible idea for her to back down, IMO - she’s just reinforcing her son’s abusive behaviour if he gets his own way now.

If they can’t get a day at the seaside with their older child, that’s just part of having children, I’m afraid. You have to plan round what you CAN do, not what you’d like to do.

Hmm, I think that this situation is rather more complicated and serious than some here imagine. Sanctimonious comments about how delighted, honoured and grateful one should be to be permitted to care for one's grandchildren, are not helpful.

Just feel I don’t know the full story.
Feel sad that you are suffering.
I look after my GC and it’s a great honour to do so and to be asked. I’d be devastated if the parents didn’t ask me. I change everything to look after them. Have changed holidays, haven’t attended appointments, days out and many plans. just to have consistency with the GC.
Their parents have let me down often but they have different pressures and work.
I’m older and can change my plans. But that’s my choice and it’s fortunate that I can do so.
Bullying - never acceptable. Get some help asap. I’m my area (SE - UK) there’s a charity called DASH (Domestic Abuse Stops Here) I’m sure there will be some help available in your area)
Good wishes are sent to you with this.

You say that you have got long term issues with your son so saying you can no longer look after your 2yo GS isn't really going to help! You agreed so why change your mind...it may have been a way of repairing a fractured relationship. I probably would have sworn at you to!
The reason your DIL wouldnt want to look after both is because on a beach, fun fair, possibly one or both running off is different directions and doing it on her own.
I'm sorry to say that unless you ate unwell its you who has caused upset and you could have brought reconciliation...you are the one who now will have to live with the consequences but I would have been very pleased to look after my GS as he's the innocent in all this

Lollipop, I think we left the era when a ‘clip across the ear’ solved family problems a long while ago. It is now classed as assault!

Also Tanjam accusing the dil of picking favourites and then suggesting that Edge should have been allowed to choose is a bit double standards IMO.

Soniah that was also my first thought. The dil wanting to take the older child on funfair rides.

Having read the two previous posts you have left, I would suggest you have gone over and above that which should be expected from you.
Your rude son would get a clip across the ear from me and I'm the mother of two middle aged sons with children. Obviously you don't have that kind of relationship where you can 'clip' so, if as you suggest you have a painful reason for not caring for the little one. Tell them NO it's time they learnt to value their unpaid, kind hearted skivvy. You might notice I'm very cross for you.
I also do all I can to help out. I love my grandchildren to bits but there's a 'line in the sand'.....
They will continue to emotionally blackmail you into bending to their wishes unless you show some backbone.
I took two little ones to the beach on many occasions and lived to tell the tale.

Why not have said NO at the time your son asked for your help in looking after your five year old grandchild.
Whatever your reason for a change of mind is not the point your timing is.
Not too late to calm the water with a change of mind and offer your help by looking after your 5 year old GC.
You do not need me to tell you how quickly your five year old will no longer need his gran.Make the most of it before its too late.

Tanjam that’s rather unfair to the daughter in law she asked because she was taking the 5 year old to something that wasn’t particularly suitable for a 2 year old that’s not to do with favouritism or inability to manage to children Very harsh and judgemental post
missiseff exactly as I would feel why cut you chance if having a lovely day with the little one because you don’t get on with the father it’s not the father she will be with !
But
It’s the changing mind that’s the problem

No matter what my relationship with my son was, I'd never give up the chance to look after his child and alienating him too

You said no, so they had no call to ask you again. Well, if she cannot look after two children, why did she play favourites as to which one she would be taking, and not ask you which one you preferred to have with you? Also, the son is horrid when he does not get what he wants, and that is another minus.