AIBU

It's not good to change your mind for reasons other than illness is my thoughts.
I would not do this and would be annoyed if someone had cancelled unless it was a really extraordinary/extreme reason (or illness).

That said, I don't understand why your daughter-in-law can't manage to take the little 2 year old as well as her 5 year old to the seaside without a helper. Unless maybe she herself is incapacitated in some way.

Assuming that you have a very good reason for not having him there is nothing else to be done. You have explained that you can't do it and presumably why, so the outcome cannot be changed. The ball is in their court to find someone else, but this could cause a permanent rift if they take offence. You need a watertight and fully justifiable reason for not having him, and if possible should have him if you want to maintain good relations with your family.

I can understand they feel let down by you. You said you would watch the child then changed your mind. I'm sure you have good reasons but they will just see it as you flaking on them.

I agree with the others - apart from an urgent Hospital appointment or illness I would have gone ahead with the initial plan, even if I had second thoughts about doing it.

I agree with the others. I do feel for you, with the issue with your son, but I think you should have said no immediately to avoid this coming up again.

It's interesting though, that no one wants to help them out. Maybe the problem isn't just between your son and you. Maybe the family's problem is between them and others in general.

Gagajo I don't know how many people there are in the OP's daughter-in-law's family to do the looking-after.

At 2 there will be a limited number the little one will be happy with I would have thought. It doesn't necessarily follow that the relationships are poor across the board - but they may be.

If your daughter in law can't look after 2 children by herself why did they have them . I could look after both mine by myself and I have an condition which effects my limbs when I had them . My daughter looks after her 4 year-old and 18 month old while her husband is at work and he has to work away sometimes. My daughter in law looks after 3 boys ages 5. 5,nearly 4 and 2 while my son is at work plus she works herself.

Edge26, I can’t imagine why your son and DiL would still expect you to look after your GC after you reported your son to the police. No, I don’t think you abu. Can’t see why DiL can’t look after her 2 children on the beach, or take a member of her family with them?
Sorry for the pain you are going through with your son.

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1311835-Relationship-with-Son

www.gransnet.com/forums/chat/1289769-Childcare

www.gransnet.com/forums/grandparenting/1299201-Should-I-say-something

www.gransnet.com/forums/grandparenting/1301162-Right-or-wrong

I cannot believe you still talk to them, given your background.

You changed your mind Edge no doubt because you agreed initially to avoid confrontation with your abusive son.

Like Hithere I can't believe you still talk to them either.

Stand your ground, you've said no so leave it at that.TBH I thought the same as Whiff, if your d.i.l. can't manage to look after 2 children on her own, why did they have more than one.

OP

Why do you keep feeding the toxic cycle? That is your question to answer and stop this madness

You are a huge participant in this game

You know your son mistreats you

Yet, you say yes to another babysitting request (mistake no. 1)

You change your mind and tell him, knowing how he will react (mistake no 2)

You are asked again and dont know what to do (mistake no 3)

Lather, rinse and repeat

You make yourself guilty, dont blame your dil for that

Run to therapy today and stop communicating with them for a while till you get your priorities straight

This will continue for years if you keep feeding the cookie to the mouse and then you wonder what's going on

Thank you for all your advice and support.
In my eyes, my DIL is quite capable of looking after my 2 GS's on her own but she has quite a big family who she could have asked to either look after GS or took someone with them but I don't want to ask why as they always seem to have an excuse as to why.
My son went down the blackmail road yesterday ( can't say why ) to try to get me to change my mind.
Hithere,
I looked at your words and they made me realise what I am doing. Thank you.
While all this continues, I still look after my GS's twice a week and wonder what they would do if I stopped because of their behaviour to me.

There are I think three major issues for you Edge. You are in an abusive relationship and it's never easy getting out of one. Your abuser is your son and no matter what he says or does, the love you have for him as his mum is ever present and if that's not enough, you fear that if you do stand up for yourself, start taking back control, you'll lose your GC.

You need help to deal with all of this, you also need to be less available apart from looking after your GS twice a week. Less available not just in terms of actually doing things for your son, but in being there on the end of the 'phone .

Edge

If you stop babysitting for them, they will find another sitter. They will manage without you.
Easy answer.

Yes but Edge worries that if she stops babysitting, she wont see her GC at all. Between a rock and hard place springs to mind so not easy at all.

I bet the son and dil, as soon as they do not need OP, will drop her and she wouldnt see the gc anyway

Kids grow up and become more independent - is she going to choose to be abused for a decade more (at the most) so she can see her gc?

You've got a point there Hithere but I can understand Edge wanting to spend as much time with her GC as she can, while she can.

It wouldn't do for me but we're all different aren't we, and I always say we were lucky to have never really known, and had a relationship with our only GC before they were taken away.

Also, the longer she sees them, the more memories will be
made and if heaven forbid, they do eventually stop her seeing the children, when they're older they may well want to reconnect with the GM they love and lost.

If Edge chooses to continue babysitting knowing what the risks are, then she should not be complaining how abusive his son is

She chooses the consequences with her actions

Of course she should be able to complain. There are too many parents putting up with their manipulative and abusive AC because they're frightened of losing all contact with their GC.

Edge is not to blame here, her son is.

To be fair, we only know one side of the story and Edge26 has not divulged why she was letting her son down with the baby sitting on this occasion.

We don't know if Edge26 has been a bit flaky with saying she'll do something and then changing her mind in the past which makes her son appear abusive or what the relationship between the both of them has been in the past so I won't denigrate either party. What I will say is that, for whatever reason, there appears to be a mismatch between the two parties which is played out over and over again. I get you want to see your GC and don't want to be excluded from their life but you need to put your line in the sand. Make it clear in your head so you know what you are prepared to do before the question is asked. If you say you are going to do something then do it unless something really serious outside of your control makes it impossible. If your withdrawal from an agreement is down to abuse, be very clear as to why you are withdrawing so your son gets the message that you will not tolerate bad behaviour.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the toxic cycle that we do not see what we bring to it. Perhaps you need to seeks relationship advice or counselling to work out exactly what is going wrong at your end. Be prepared to be honest with yourself and take on board constructive criticism. These things are rarely completely one side's fault. If this is going on, your GC will be suffering too and you really don't want that.

I do hope you get things sorted because I'd put money on it that neither side is happy.