Grans who had an only child...

Saggi

One of my friends is an only child ….. and she only had the one son ( not by choice) …. I’ve never met two more needy , selfish, expectant people in my life . I like them both …but they have absolutely no idea about how others are feeling and no empathy with anyone! I had my daughter then two miscarriages … but struggled on with twice weekly injections to keep my fourth pregnancy…my son! Never regretted that decision once, And , icing on the cake ….they get on famously! Don’t stick at one …if you can have another. So much company for each other….and when the parents are gone , they will have memories to share with each other. Singles haven’t got that!

Wow, you make it sound like only children are psychopaths! I can assure you most of us are not needy, selfish or lacking in empathy.

If you want another child, go ahead and have one. But only if you know you can love them equally.

I am thankful that I had a younger sister, even although the age gap and our mother's habit of favouring me above her made life difficult for us both, both as children and adults.

During my working life as a teacher, I have taught "only children" children with one brother or sister, and children with more than one sibling.

Sadly, a lot of only children have a hard time learning to share, to show consideration to others, and even to do as they are asked. Many of them suffer as they grow older from their parents' entire interest, love and ambitions on their behalf being concentrated on them alone.

Children with siblings tend as a rule not to have these problems.

I only had one Daughter because of an inherited disease,(Huntingtons Chorea ) being in the family. I was tested later on in life and was fine. My Daughter which I am so pleased has 2 lovely children a boy and a girl. If I had known I was clear of the disease I certainly would have had another child.

It’s so hard. Once I had my son I knew instantly and irrecoverably that I didn’t want him to grow up alone as I did. I was blessed with my beautiful daughter and they are firm friends and busy having babies at the same time! So happy I had two. Best of luck x

O had two older brothers. I got on well with the eldest, 14 years older than me but obviously we had different lives. I never got on with my brother five years older than me as he used to bully me. I was always looking for a friend. I have two married daughters and 5 grandchildren aged 8-27.

I was adopted as an only child. Never regretted that as was lucky enough to have loving, caring adoptive parents.
I had two cousins I saw regularly so they were like sisters. I never felt lonely.
About 11 years ago I found my ‘real’ siblings, 4 brothers and sisters and a half brother.
I had one child, would have probably had another one but circumstances didn’t allow for that.

As I’ve got older I’ve come to value having my two brothers more and more. I don’t believe only children suffer any detriment as children but they may miss out on relationships with siblings (and nieces and nephews) as adults.

I've had such heartbreaking life with my #2 son I often feel guilty wondering what just the #1 son in our lives would've been like? #2 was a COMPLETE accident !!! Such a slim chance brought me heartbreak and utter misery in recent years

It does require an analysis of all the factors on your part. How important is money? The fewer children you have, the more money for sure. Is your child a boy or a girl? A son’s a son til he takes him a wife etc. How much do you want to focus on a career? How healthy was your last pregnancy?
I had 3 children and now have 4 grandchildren but I wish I’d had one more. It’s a very individual thing.

Given tge cost of raising a child I'd stick with one. My sons have one child each, don't seem to have any problems relating to them being singletons. Plenty of friends, sleep overs. Children generally gravitate to one other child for a friend, even adults do this. Whatever your decision, do it for you, not your chikd as there is no guarantee siblings will actually like one another, may not live near each other to continue friendship you are imagining they will have.

I am an only child and have two sons with a gap of 10 years between them. I wasn't really lonely as a child but realise how focused I was on the adults around me, picking up on any stresses and problems in their lives. Now that my parents are both dead I would love to have a sibling. I see young families I know with children born a couple of years apart and wish that I hadn't had that 10 year gap between my sons.

I'm eldest of four, I have three, they each have two, my middle child ( lives in Australia) had one and was happy to stick at that, but she then decided that it would be better for her daughter to have a sibling and at least not be alone in the future and to know the feeling of a sibling, so she now has a son. I know many people who are only children and wish for siblings, of course we don't or can't always expect to get on with them when we do have them. Thankfully I get on with mine and mine all get on.

To add to previous post, if you feel one child is right for you and you don't really want another just stick with one. It's hard enough bringing them up sometimes , do consider what you want too.

I know more families where siblings don’t get on than those that do, just get together for family celebrations. Do what is right for you, only children are only spoilt if you let it happen. You sound as if you have a good relationship with your daughter. However I had another child because I didn’t want my first born to be lonely, don’t regret it, but know from friends I do have with one child, the good relationship they do have, plus extra money to do more,

I am an only child, my son is an only child, and he has an only child - also a son. I have no regrets because I didn’t mind being an only and I don’t think that my son did. I would, however, advise considering things to address the differences an only child experiences: provide opportunities for peer interaction, expect the child to take simple responsibilities, be careful not to try to live vicariously through this one child, and help the child develop perspective re relationships. The reasons I include the last is that I do feel that since I didn’t have siblings who “fight” and then make up, etc., I tended to view any little spat with a friend as more serious than it was when I was growing up. But that is a very personal thing, I think, and not necessarily characteristic of all only children. Most of all, resist the opinions of those who tell you we are spoiled. My DH was the youngest and only boy amongst his sibs and he was way more spoiled than I was.

nightowl I share your feelings, it is very hard.

Siblings are no guarantee of a playmate when young or of solid dependency when an adult. Families are so different and varied. Do what feels best for you and your family.

i was the eldest of 4, i learned when i was about 9 that one of my cousins was my full brother and the other 3 were my half siblings, the man i called dad did not like me even when i was small, i never understood why until i was told about my real dad, i grew up in a house with domestic abuse and him being drunk all the time, i decided at 13 i never wanted children, at 18 i was told i could not have children so i was okay with that, i fell pregnant 22, it was a shock but i loved my son, i made sure i would never have another as my husband was much older than me, the only time i felt guilty was when my son asked for a brother or sister, he grew up being closer to me than his dad because i knew we would end up just the two of us, he was 7 when i became my husbands full time carer and he had just turned 16 when we lost him. i am a gran now and i will only ever have one gc as my dil has a son who is 15 and she had a bad pregnancy with the little one and i am fine with that because the 15 year old is also my grandson, he calls me by my first name as he was very close to his gran who died. i think more families these days are having only one child and it will get to be the norm in years to come. i feel blessed to have had my son, he is a brilliant and kind person and i know he will always be there for me.

My sister-in-law was an only child who wished she wasn’t. I think she was astonished to discover that my brother and I ignored each other almost totally.

People say that it is good to have a sibling when it comes to dealing with ageing parents. I might just as well have been an only, since my brother took little interest in what was happening to them and certainly took no part in their care. True, he lived many miles away and I lived fairly near, but he might as well have not existed at all for all the help he was. We get on better now, but still only at a distance.

I’m the eldest of 3 siblings. My DB and myself have nothing to do with youngest sibling as she’s a drug taking alcoholic narcissist and will always be unfortunately and I’m now at an age where I want peace in my life not drama. DB lives abroad but we are close although because of distance and health problems don’t see each other only every few years but speak on phone 3/4 times a week. I had to have fertility treatment to conceive my DS and decided once he was born I wasn’t doing that again but always had a houseful of his friends over and foreign students living with us so he was never lonely. My Grandson is an only child too and when my DGS was small I remember my DS asking me if I minded if they only had one child and my answer was ‘definitely not with the state of the world I hope you don’t have another child’. This was about 10 years ago, before Covid, monkey pox and wars in Europe. I would hate to bring a baby into this world with such an uncertain future for them nowadays! My grandson isn’t lonely, he has friends, a dog and lots that he occupied himself with, but God knows how he will get on in the future with housing, jobs and bills so no I definitely don’t think populating this planet in such uncertain times is the right think to do. And for the record siblings don’t always get on or even like each other!

My mum had fibroids, and several miscarriages. As a small child, an only child, I felt very wanted.

I think being an only is swings and roundabouts. I had every adult attention, was probably precocious and more articulate than many of my peers as I was more with my parents than other children. I felt very loved and secure, had many toys, books, experiences with my parents. When I failed the 11+ they were able to afford an expensive education that they would have struggled to provide for a sibling. I had friends, but was lonely, especially during secondary school holidays, as my independent school was at a distance from my home town, and my friends with it.

Growing up, I felt very strongly that I wanted my family to consist of more than one child- not purely because of childhood loneliness, but also from a feeling of adolescent suffocation, when to my eyes my mother, in particular, was loathe to let me grow up.

On top of that, as others have commented, dealing with your parents as they age and fail is heart breaking- I think I would have appreciated a sibling to share, off-load, and vent with. Having said that, DH does not feel that his sister is of support in this. Luck of the draw, I suppose.

There are no guarantees in life. But I hope my pigeon pair, who as youngish adults are not particularly close, will always look out for one another, care however loosely for each other, be able to chat to each other about “ times when..” Be someone else in this world who has a head start on “getting” you.

I notice that I share many similarities with a friend who is another only. We are quite certain of our correctness in most things, a little ruthless/selfish in our determination to do as we think fit, both of us outgoing and friendly, but also both harbouring secret worries that we may have read social situations wrongly, both of us a little over sensitive to perceived criticisms. She too decided on two children, pretty much for the same reasons as me.
We have been very lucky to have the choice.

Thinking about this subject I have to say that it can be pretty hard for only children when they get to mid life or older and they have sole responsibility for making the inevitable decisions for ageing parents …..A sole ‘duty’ to help them make late life decisions on lifestyle choices and even more responsibility when one or both parents pass. Even if siblings haven’t been that close in earlier times, this is when there’s an opportunity to lean on each other.

I’m an adopted only child, as I think many adoptive children are. I found out as an adult my birth mother went on to have 5 more children.
My husband is also an only child, we both hate it. Especially as adults.
I am really happy in my own company.
But I do have lots of friends.
We had 3 children, thinking we’d build our own family, expecting lots of grandchildren. But only one of our ac have any children. That’s also an only child.
I would never have had just one child. When my children went to school they had each other. I on the other hand was on my own:
Yes, I was definitely a lonely child.

My husband is an only child, he says he was never lonely, had cousins and always lots of friends round at his house, he’s always been confident and happy with company or without. I had a sister, not really close until later years, was a shy child and didn’t become a confident adult until Orlin and I emigrated when we married.
We went on to have four sons, all very different, all socially adept.
So what I’m saying is being an only child or one of many doesn’t make much difference, go with your heart, do what’s right for you.
Good luck, be happy.

I would never have had just one child

That does sound judgemental.

Sometimes it's not through choice.
Some people count their blessings to have one child, having suffered miscarriages and stillbirths.