Disabled friend who can’t keep up.

Be honest- it is the only way. I have 1 friend who is in this situation, and her group are so kind to her and organise outings with here in mind- but also made it clear to her that they will also organise outings which won't be suitable for her. She totally accepts this as being normal and fair.

But you must also say that you could organise a couple of outings 'in between' which she could join but only if she accepts the use of a wheel-chair. My friend is very slender and light, and the group takes it in turn (apart from one who also has limited mobility). Good friends need to be honest and true to each other. And yes, but for the grace of God it could be any of us.

pinkquartz

why not talk to your friend as an equal?
It is offensive to treat her as a problem when a good conversation will sort things out.

Exactly. I am the slow one amongst my friends and I make sure that I do not hold anyone back by taking sensible steps to avoid this. Give this lady a chance to do that. Talk about it openly.

Just a thought. I would encourage the use of a mobility scooter rather than a wheelchair unless the wheelchair is electric.
Otherwise somebody will be needed to push it. Not an easy task.

You are so right Zoe. No we don’t know what us round the corner. This time last year I was as fit as a flea, nothing wrong with me, but now have had hip surgery and on the list fir another operation. My mobility is now affected which has limited my life.
I hope your mum wasn’t too upset with her friends. It’s difficult.

BluebellGran, this has quite upset me as it happened with my mother and her group of friends. She'd been having lunch with this group of 4 for over 50 years. They'd all met when their children were at school and had remained friends.

My mother ended up having a couple of strokes. She improved but it became obvious. that her lunch dates were being curtailed due to the fact she was not as fit and able as the other ladies.

I can totally understand your point of view but we all must remember that one of these days we might end up as being the slow one etc etc.

We never knows what's round the corner and none of us will live forever.

why not talk to your friend as an equal?
It is offensive to treat her as a problem when a good conversation will sort things out.

If it hasn’t already been said, pushing a wheelchair is hard work if you are young and fit, but you are all in late 70 s and it would be very difficult managing hills and Kerbs etc.
I hope you can find a solution. I feel for your friend.

Thank you all for for your advice. When the time is right one of us will broach the subject. X

Daddima

I have been on a few ‘solo’ trips since the Bodach died, and have decided that I would hate to have been away with others. I am not really disabled, but cannot walk far and tire easily, so I was much more comfortable going at my own pace.
I’d say it depends on whether your friend realises she is holding you back. A while ago I was approached by one of my aunt’s travelling companions who said that she was no longer fit to be looking after auntie, so could I maybe ‘have a word’. Auntie was not one bit pleased, as it had never crossed her mind that she may be a hindrance ( or if it had, she expected her friends to look after her) Their first couple of trips were quite easy ones, but then auntie’s health failed, so she couldn’t go anyway.
Maybe asking someone to ‘ have a word’, or even suggest a mobility scooter?
It’s a tricky one.

Don’t exclude her. Talk to her.

Perhaps the group could have a planning meeting, including this lady, and make suggestions for future trips, bearing in mind the issues. She might speak up and acknowledge that she will need to opt out of some. She might suggest suitable places.

This seems like a good idea.
Pussyfooting around without mentioning the problem will only create other problems for the rest of the group.
Compromise has to work both ways - sometimes you adapt, so your friend can come, sometimes she adapts by not expecting to do everything.

As a previously very active person up to 18 months ago I am now quite challenged in the mobility stakes. It has been quite an eye opener even though I used to work in the medical field, coping with all manner of issues in daily life that we all would normally take for granted.

By all means, speak to this friend and explain your concerns for her comfort and safety. As someone has already suggested why not. mention about a mobility buggy/scooter, just to. give her some independent mobility.

Most importantly, please. don't exclude her; I know too well how ones mental health can be affected by physical issues.

I think there needs to be a conversation with her. Explain that everyone is keen to visit such and such a place. Say that you are aware that she may find some aspects of the trip rather tricky. Ask her whether she :

a) would like to come, despite sometimes having to maybe sit out aspects of the trip - with a coffee or possibly visiting (some alternative nearby??)

b) would prefer to miss this trip but join in the next one which will be more manageable... and make sure it is!

c) would prefer to look into hiring/buying a wheelchair to extend her opportunities for joining in

None of this has to be hurtful. tell her you are all concerned to ensure she has a lovely time. Good luck

It’s tricky. Speaking as a disabled person I wouldn’t want to go along on most of your day trips as I’d find them too much to cope with. It’s hard for the non disabled to understand how difficult it can be. If you are going to a historic house you could easily find out beforehand what accessibility is like. It would still mean planning the day around your friend’s abilities though.

I could be your friend! I am aware of my limits and don’t go on outings if there is any walking. But my suggestions to help your friends are
Mobility scooters can be rented at most shopping centres or big supermarkets
Many National Trust properties have them to explore the gardens
Some places have land trains to tour the gardens
Go places with a cafe so your friend can wait for you
Take a fold up stool for you friend to rest a while
Do your research, more places are becoming accessible especially if your friend could get a Blue Badge to park near to entrances
Plan some easy outings to include your friend in between more tiring ones so she can join you sometimes and not feel totally left out

I’d be surprised if your friend was not aware of her limitations so could you talk to her to see what she thinks she can manage? It’s a difficult conversation to have but if you tried to think about how you would feel if it was you who had mobility problems, you might be able to reach a compromise.

I think this is trickier than it seems. It is not just speed of walking, it is energy levels and stamina too.
On our recent holiday we realised just how little we could do eg only one visit to the beach as the parking in most places meant an uphill walk back to the car. Even at NT places it can often be quite a trek from the car park, and there aren’t always buggies available. DH has a mobility scooter but we have been surprised how few gardens are scooter- friendly: gravel or pebble paths, tree roots steps or a long walk round…..
Many small towns or villages have narrow pavements.

Perhaps the group could have a planning meeting, including this lady, and make suggestions for future trips, bearing in mind the issues. She might speak up and acknowledge that she will need to opt out of some. She might suggest suitable places.

How many of you usually go? Could you arrange to take it in turns to stay with your 'slow' friend and maybe do something slightly different while the others are being energetic?

Is there another person in the group who might have a scooter, too, just to keep her company?
It could be fun!

If she won't use a wheel chair, can't you say right we are just popping to wherever , as it is a difficult to walk , how about if you sit here have a rest & a coffee/tea then we will be back in an hour ... my late hubby found difficulty in walking & was happy to sit & have a coffee or on a bench while I popped to look round the shops ... saying that have you ever pushed a wheel chair , even up the slightest slope extremely hard work , saying that what about when you book up, say about her having a mobile scooter for a couple of hours !

I think Kircubbins idea is good.

Some places have wheelchairs you can borrow. Why not find one that does, suggest a visit and take her, then "find" the wheelchairs and suggest she tries one so you can do a quick buzz around-say time is limited. My mum started like this and realised she liked it then we got her her own chair.

I have been on a few ‘solo’ trips since the Bodach died, and have decided that I would hate to have been away with others. I am not really disabled, but cannot walk far and tire easily, so I was much more comfortable going at my own pace.
I’d say it depends on whether your friend realises she is holding you back. A while ago I was approached by one of my aunt’s travelling companions who said that she was no longer fit to be looking after auntie, so could I maybe ‘have a word’. Auntie was not one bit pleased, as it had never crossed her mind that she may be a hindrance ( or if it had, she expected her friends to look after her) Their first couple of trips were quite easy ones, but then auntie’s health failed, so she couldn’t go anyway.
Maybe asking someone to ‘ have a word’, or even suggest a mobility scooter?
It’s a tricky one.

If only she would agree to a wheelchair, just for these days out.
Is there any way you could tell her she needs to consider the rest of the group?

Could you arrange for a friend to come with her to keep her company while the more energetic of you do more energetic things? There may well be others who might like a gentler pace occasionally.

Certain places have 'buggies' you can hire, could you aim to visit a few with this facility?

I would arrange what you want then tell her the trip may be hard and suggest somewhere she could visit while you are doing the hard stuff. My neighbour is very slow but she still goes on the cruises with her friends but takes a taxi or rests at a local cafe while the others do the trips.