Grandchildren

Please appreciate every single moment you are allowed with your grandchild. I have a grandson soon to be 8. We are never allowed to be alone with him and see him only once or twice a year, we do live on the opposite side of the country to them. I think it is probably my daughter-in law but could be my son but neither wish to discuss the issue. I am very hurt by lack of contact ( we hardly ever see him on a video chat either was amazing excuses). They never stay at our house even though we have room and they are always invited. My son phoned us for sympathy over a week ago as he wanted to go away with just his son for the weekend and had suggested the New Forest area with woods and a drive to the beach but grandson would not go on holiday in the car so they went by train to Brighton and stayed near the station!!!Don't want to go on more but seems these days for some children rule the roost and decide on everything as their parents let them.

Maybe you have oodles of time and they are busy. It IS just polite to prearrange. If you call when passing (if that is REALLY the case otherwise just don't) be prepared for them to be out, just back and tired, just about to go out etc. IF you are invited in, keep it short and sweet. - As in life, leave 'em wanting more. Don't be needy - it ain't nice.

Help. Advice needed.
My 8 year old granddaughter was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes yesterday and I’d appreciate any thoughts and advice. Thank you.

Yes, we also have to make an appointment to see our GC. Both parents work in home office, the one in the morning and the other does the afternoon shift. Soon the little one will be in kindergarten and the parents will be working in the office. We are lucky if we see the little one once a fortnight. Really sad, because 2 weeks is a long time for a 15 month old. The round trip is 50 km

I really hate anyone just dropping in on me, always worried the house isn't tidy or I haven't got the right things to offer them to eat or drink. I wouldn't dream of dropping in on anyone else with no notice either, even close relations. I my mother or mother-in-law had done this I would have been very uncomfortable with it.

i once had a very embarrassing moment when my dd, sil and dgd arrived unexpectedly. my guy had the afternoon off and we were just "getting down" to it when the back door opened and dd et al trouped in!
i made a quick exit through the kitchen to upstairs and my guy quickly grabbed his tee shirt and put it on. i don't know who was more embarrassed them or us.
needless to say that we locked the back door from then on!

Nanine, I think the days of just dropping in when passing are long gone.

I would hestitate to do so, irrespective of whether it was near family or friends, although both groups know they are welcome to do so here now we have retired.

I think the best thing is to find a way of nicely asking your DIL what suits her best.

How you do so, depends greatly on what terms you are on with your DIL. I would probably myself say, "It used to drive me mad that my MIL never asked if it was convenient, she "just dropped in in passing" and never took a hint. That's why I more or less ring and make an appointment. Is this driving you mad?"

Most paternal grandmothers on gransnet feel they are treated differently to what the DIL's mother is. Some doubtless are, others may just "feel" this.

In my experience, we have to be careful not just to "feel" something or other in relation to our adult children, but try to find a way of asking about whatever it is.

Sez she, who for months has tried to find a tactful way of asking bonus daughter whether she and her husband are at odds. I "know" something is off in that marriage, but also know that while it worries me, it is NOT my business unless my advice is specifically asked for. Not the same as your problem, but definitely the kind of thing where you have to bite your tongue.

Whether you should ask, or bite your tongue here, I cannot possibly know. Often with family "least said, soonest mended" is still good advice.

Isn't it funny how DSetc restrict visiting and lay down rules for an audience? Yet when THEY want something they turn up/ ring very early a.m./very late p.m. and think it's ok? "Can you do me a favour?" Was always the opener for youngest DS when he wanted to avoid overdrafts by me slipping £xx into his account? Yet he didn't think that MY. Overdraft was allowing this " favour"? I took courage one early a.m. and said "sorry I'm overdrawn myself" to which he said " oh ok" and barely spoke to me ever again! Now I'm banned from seeing GK or him for last 5years because I suggested not having 2x chicken poxxed GK when we had chest infections!! .....stuff them to glory ungrateful tosspots! And yes I'd see them like a flash if asked!!

We only live 20 minutes away from the youngest grandchild who is only a few months old. We always visit by arrangement as they do when they call on us. Babies have routines and young parents have busy lives, as we do so it’s just easier for everyone. When I had 3 under 5s I hated it if anyone just turned up however much I enjoyed seeing them, as it could be at an awkward time, or the house was a tip! I wouldn’t worry about it, just enjoy it when you do get together.

you answered your own problem, you are second granny, first granny is the mother of your daughter-in-law who will always be able to drop in at any time and be asked first by her daughter about the grandchildren. Your son needs to remember you a bit more and that you are the grandmother of his children.

I would never just drop in. A quick text/call saying are you home is it convenient to pop in is all that is needed.

On the other hand I quite like it if my sons just pop in. They normally do text to see if we are home but sometimes don't so and arrive on the doorstep unannounced.

Although we no longer live in the family home I think them just arriving is like them coming home. At our old home the layout meant they would just walk in but at this home they have to be let in which makes it a little more formal.

Yes Grammaretto I miss that too?

Don't think of it as making an appointment. It's quite usual to make arrangements so everyone can plan their day or organise visits for when it suits best. Even if it's just a call to ask if it suits to stop by for a short visit around x time, it gives the other person a chance to plan or say no. I'd hate for someone to stop round when I've just started cooking or a project, or plan to go out or even just have a quiet afternoon. Like most parents, I'm super busy so need to organise. It's not personal.

Life is too short and I spend enough time alone now so it wouldn’t worry me or upset anything I do, if a family member turned up. I’m not ashamed of my home and I would try carry on with whatever, if practical and not impolite or just do it later.
I’m unlikely to be interrupted having sex these days but if I was I’d just not answer the door then say I was in the bath or something.?
I certainly would not get cross, annoyed or irritated as long as visitors respect me and are pleasant to be with.
I think this is because I like the majority grew up without a mobile phone and am used to the impromptu and spontaneous nature of life.

Oh yes, do ask them if you're able to pop round if you're in the area or whatever.

I wasn't very receptive to people dropping by unannounced. Still not really!

My GMiL when widowed, had an "at home" every Sunday after church.
The cousins would meet and run about and the adults would talk.
I miss those days.
I think most people have very busy lives now. Too busy.
I wouldn't call in without phoning first on any of my DC. My MiL who is 97, loves people calling on her.
I like it too and my DS will turn up without warning with kids and dog.

I agree, only polite and sensible, they do the same if they are coming to us. They have very busy lives, as do we. Wouldn't pop into anyone's house without checking first.

We should be so lucky NANINE estranged from our son and only GC we never see them. Try and accept that it is what it is and make the most of the time you do get to see your GC.

Something to think about in terms of the other grandma:

When your children were growing up, how many times did they say to you, "How come so-and-so gets to go/have/do x and I can't? It's not fair!"

What was your response to them then? Do you see any parallels?

I would always call to see if they were in and available before I drop in. Seems only polite and sensible.

NANINE

Hello I am new here. ?Does anyone feel like they have to make an appointment to be able to see their grandchildren? Don't feel I can just drop by and say I was just passing. It's making me sad as I adore my granddaughters and they grow so fast. I don't think my daughter in laws mum has the same problem. ?

Do you want to go just to see the grandchildren?
I like to go to see my daughter-in-law too

I am very close to my daughter and her children. She pops in most days for a few minutes as she knows I am on my own. However, I would never drop into her home without ringing or messaging her first. She has a very busy life and plenty of friends who frequently visit her. They don't need people turning up unannounced, even a much loved mum

I’m lucky in having my daughters live nearby, even luckier to have loving positive relationships with them. We see each other often but will WhatsApp or phone if any of us are planning to just call in on another.
It’s a good boundary thing. We make the let’s all meet for breakfast - whose turn is it Arrangements. They book us to cover a school holiday day, or a can you do the school run day. Anything more impromptu , like one of us messaging to say are you in, are yiu busy or can I call for a cuppa is accepted as a flier that may get a ‘not now’ response.
So yes OP, don’t just call in x

DIL doesn't seem to mind if we pop in on our way home occasionally but I'd probably phone first to make sure it's ok or did she want anything fetching from town.
In fact, I think she'd be upset if we went past without calling in, but it's good manners to phone first.

notgran ???

My in-laws used to pop around every Sunday morning for a cup of tea.
It was a very casual arrangement, we all carried on with what we were doing. My father in law liked to be outside chatting to my husband whilst he was gardening or whatever, and I never felt awkward if I had to pop out
Someone would go and put the kettle on at some point, but they weren’t a bother, and we were always happy to see them.