Grandchildren

As a mother of young kids, we have so little time with work, errands, activities, etc, we are super busy

Therefore, same as agreeing to meet with friends in X place and X time - it it is not an appointment, it is time management.

This is another generational change that is very much highlighted in this board.
You are not alone

I only have one who is my daughter’s child. Grandchildren don’t realise several things. Firstly how much we love them and want to see them as often as possible. Also that we are not as busy as they are and our lives are not so full. I remember my dear Gran used to tell me that from about 4pm each day till the next morning she neither saw nor heard from anyone. I find that as my grandson grows older he just really needs me for lifts or money. It’s very difficult as the parents see them every day of course so may not realise how much time has elapsed since we saw them. As I write this my grandson is playing a game on his phone while I keep him company while parents work but I’m not really needed. Having said that, I was the same at that age but as I matured I became very close to my grandparents and miss them still. Make sure you stay a part of their lives however you can.

No its never been a problem but my diary was as full as theirs when I was working - now I suggest meetings/ lunches whatever and we work it out. They grow up fast however much you see of them.

Hi Nanine and welcome on board.

I don't make appointments to see any of my family but wouldn't just drop-by. We arrange to meet up as they have busy lives (and so do I!).
As Hithere said, it's a matter of time management.
Could you suggest a regular time that would be helpful to your DiL too - for example to be with the children while she does the shopping?

It’s my dd, not a DiL, but (at least partly because we live 60 miles away) we never drop in unannounced, and never would. They have so many activities/birthday parties, etc. we could never be sure of finding them at home.

It’s never been a problem because three live with us, and three, several hours away.

But I remember when my last child was born, my dad had retired and they used to just turn up, it used to drive me around the bend.

I was working mornings and always had a tight schedule, they would charge in and say they had come to take the baby out.

So annoying

My daughter's make an effort to see me with the kids in school holidays, they live about 40 minutes drive away. During term time I make the effort at least twice a week to meet them for shopping/ lunch even a quick coffee some where halfway, it
seems to work for all of us

Even if we are passing the end of the road, we don't drop into my dd either, did it once, didnt repeat.
I think Skydancer could not have put it better.

Neither my DM nor DMIL drop in unannounced. I would be really peeved if either of them did. We work full time, on our days off we usually have plans organised so even if we are home for the afternoon it’s usually scheduled downtime or chance to sort the washing out and get the animals cleaned out type of a thing. Not time to have people round as we wouldn’t be able to get on with things.

To be honest, I don't want anyone apart from my daughter 'just popping round'. With anyone else I would feel silently judged if I'd decided to have a lazy day and was sitting in my PJ's reading a book.
I would have felt the same when I had small children, my MIL was lovely and I think we had a good relationship but I know she would have disapproved if the house was a bit of a mess and we'd decided to have a junk food picnic on the lounge floor and watch a Disney film.
My Mother would also have disapproved but I would have been able to ignore it and tell her it was my house so if I want to be lazy I could be. We would have laughed over it and moved on. She never just dropped by either just as I don't to my DD even though I have a key I always message her to ask if it's ok.

When we visit our grandchildren 200 miles away, we usually stay with DDiL's mother. Even then, as we leave to go to MiL's house we will confirm with DS and DDiL, what time they want us to come round the following day.

They may say 'Come early, and babysit because DDiL has some work to do before she is free for the day and DS is doing the dancing run, or they may say come late because one child has drama and the other has to go to the doctor.

I wouldn't dream on calling on anyone, not even my nearest and dearest without first checking it was convenient.

It sounds rather presumptuous and arrogant to assume that your AC and their families should be sitting around ready to accommodate you when ever you chance to call, without any regard for what plans they may have for themselves.

Hi Nanine - welcome !!
Oh no, I would never just drop in on any of my children/grandchildren. With my middle son, it’s strictly by appointment. They’ve always “got plans”. I understand, because they have 2 little girls - term tine is a no-no and weekends are always “planned”. So I wait till I’m invited, which is about once every 2 to 3 weeks. The younger son has 2 little ones, similar age actually, but I feel more welcome there, but I never just ‘pop in’. More often than not, this d.I.l. will ring and say they are free, not doing anything or whatever, and then if I’m free, I go over. My daughter (eldest), I can go anytime. But she works from home and I don’t want to disturb her. She can be a right misery when she’s working Her 2 teenage children do pop in to see me, regularly.

What if no ones in? They are going out? She's in the bath? Having a phone call? Have guests? Cooking? A nap?

Surely it would be better to arrange a time that suits you both? Not just you.

It's pretty normal these days

Try to view it as this, when they know you are coming they can make arrangements to make it special.

Don't forget to invite them to you too

I helped with my GC for a few years. I now have another GC to consider so we are more flexible time wise.
My DIL mother practically runs their house for them and she is there all the time. We visit when it suits my son and DIL they do have busy lives and school for the GC.
We are the same with our daughter fit in and visit when we can. I wish we lived closer but we don't but that's the way it is we just make the most of it.
My advice don't take it to heart just go with the flow. Visit when you can and let them know you are there if they need you.

I wouldn't just drop in on my daughter or my son to see my grandchildren.....I would always text first and give them the heads up and also to see if it's OK to pop in..They could all still be in their PJ'S or had a bad night with the children and can't be bothered with visitors...As for your DILs mother being there it's the way things have always been girls usually want their OWN mum....Maybe send a wee text when you want to visit... Hope things work out NANINE as our GC are so precious to us..

Same as silverlining - did it once (when dgs1 was very young) but didn't repeat it. They had visitors there for the day, but were too polite to turn us away, but lesson learned anyway.

With family 1, even if I am right outside their house, which happens fairly regularly during term time, I always text first (or phone if I need an immediate answer) to see if its a convenient moment to pop in. They are very busy, both work-wise and socially, so it seems by far the best think to do. Likewise, they never pop in on us unannounced as a family, though our son sometimes does on his own if he is passing.

Much the same with family two.
We are told we can pop in any time, but in reality I know it wouldn't always be convenient for them, so I always call or text first. We see much more of them than family 1, even though both live only a ten minute drive away, but that's down to differences in their work and social commitments.

It works well for all of us.

Things were different when I was growing up, but most of us didn't have phones then, did we, so it was much more normal to 'pop by' unannounced.

My son and his family live about an hour and a half drive away. We never simply pop in! Once or twice I have had a very last minute phone call asking me to look after my granddaughter but that was when the other grandmother was on her death bed.

I would not visit anyone without arranging it first, even if it is just a text an hour before to ask if it is ok.

I would not like someone just to turn up at my house unannounced, if it happens once you would never know when it is going to happen again, and would put me on edge waiting and wondering.

In which universe do people turn up unannounced at someone's house? At the very least a phone call to say "would it be ok?" I remember a very good friend had a mother in law who did this once at a weekend when the new mummy, new daddy and baby were there. They weren't pleased and she told the m-i-law sorry but once the baby was asleep they intended to have sex so she couldn't come in. She dined out on that story for years

My in-laws used to pop around every Sunday morning for a cup of tea.
It was a very casual arrangement, we all carried on with what we were doing. My father in law liked to be outside chatting to my husband whilst he was gardening or whatever, and I never felt awkward if I had to pop out
Someone would go and put the kettle on at some point, but they weren’t a bother, and we were always happy to see them.

DIL doesn't seem to mind if we pop in on our way home occasionally but I'd probably phone first to make sure it's ok or did she want anything fetching from town.
In fact, I think she'd be upset if we went past without calling in, but it's good manners to phone first.

notgran ???

I’m lucky in having my daughters live nearby, even luckier to have loving positive relationships with them. We see each other often but will WhatsApp or phone if any of us are planning to just call in on another.
It’s a good boundary thing. We make the let’s all meet for breakfast - whose turn is it Arrangements. They book us to cover a school holiday day, or a can you do the school run day. Anything more impromptu , like one of us messaging to say are you in, are yiu busy or can I call for a cuppa is accepted as a flier that may get a ‘not now’ response.
So yes OP, don’t just call in x

I am very close to my daughter and her children. She pops in most days for a few minutes as she knows I am on my own. However, I would never drop into her home without ringing or messaging her first. She has a very busy life and plenty of friends who frequently visit her. They don't need people turning up unannounced, even a much loved mum