Granny offers help, then holds it over us

OP

Her need to be needed is not your void to fill

She can volunteer, work part time, etc.

Mama2020, We see her at least weekly and include her in outings (like the zoo) as often as possible.

You see her weekly, without the additional time she "pushes for"?

Already quite a lot by any standard. Let that be enough.

If no lines are drawn this will only get worse. I assume you do need time as a family of 3, without extra people about.

Ask yourself three questions:

1 is she very lonely, or a person with low self-esteem? (this seems likely to me)
2 How would you deal with the situation if she was your mother, not your husband's?
3 Have you other child-minders on hand?

If she is lonely, or has low self-esteem, she is trying to make herself feel more important by this behaviour. You don't have to put up with it, but she won't stop it, unless you tell her politely but in a way she cannot misunderstand that it annoys you.

Wives frequently feel critising MIL would come better from her son. Usually, husbands have no desire at all to tackle their mother about anything. If yours will, by all means let him do so. If you would not accept this behaviour from your own mother, than say precisely what you would tell her to MIL.

If you have other child minders on hand, then use them and limit MIL's time with your son. When she asks why, say with a smile, "Oh, you have made it so clear we were inconveniencing you, that I made other arrangements."

Thats just what I thought grandtanteJE65.
She needs to be needed and so keeps telling you what a big help she is, as she is insecure. You probably can't change this behaviour, but you can change how you react to it.
"we are made to feel like we have inconvenienced her or have taken advantage of her" - you know that's not the case so don't go there.
Preempt her - tell her what a big help she is before she has a chance to tell you

i think you have to be more pro-active.
you are letting her lead in what happens too much.
when finished packing you both should have gone to fetch him from the park.
don't wait or expect for her to understand your position, or comply with it, just do it.
good luck.

I’d start politely declining her “offers”. Seems you already ensure she spends a great deal of time with her grandchild.

You can’t manage her personal issues of needing to be praised and thanked endlessly. They aren’t your problems to solve, and if these issues prompt her to be rude or get angry with you, you’re not obligated to just grin and bear it.

I would find very kind ways of declining these offers of “help”.

Simple, next time she reminds you just how 'marvellous' she is and how much of a 'huge help' she just reply "look, MIL, if it is such an effort for you we will make alternative arrangements and end the conversation there.

I think she is one of those personalities who wants everything she does acknowledged to the nth degree, wants to feel important and needed etc. I woukd just thank her for offers, accept them when they help you and not when they don't and when she makes "needy" remarks just say "we do appreciate your help but wouldn't want to take advantage so we can always make other areangements" If things don't improve after a bit of saying that then when she offers say "it's OK, we've made other arrangements" a few times, and do it!!

Good advice Madgran.

I’m wondering what was stopping you from going to the play park or wherever and collecting your child once you had finished the packing, rather than waiting for her to bring him back?

Pollydolly

Love it!

Yammy

My MIL was like this but always let you down or half let you down at the last moment.
Just stop listening to her and make your own plans.

So was mine. We gave up in the end

I wonder if she needs to feel a sense of worth and needs your validation to feel valued ?

My mother was very like this. She would keep doing things for me when she stayed with us and then tell me how tired she was. I was grateful for help but there were things that didn't need doing like ironing tea towels. Eventually I was doing nothing and she was doing everything and I felt miserable with guilt. One day I forced her to relax in the living room while I did everything else. Though I was tired myself
working full time with a small child..And I found her cleaning the windows in that room. Sometimes we each had an end of the drying up cloth and were trying to tug it out of each others hands. There was an issue of her being in control of my house. But I think also she felt anxious and wanted to buy affection and earn her place through work. But the more she did the more irritated and less affectionate I felt. So she did more and felt more resentful and the more she did the more resentful I felt. My husband asked me why I was letting an old lady iron his shirts. I felt he should be ironing them himself as we were both working full time. She and my little girl were very loving which was a joy for us all. But then she would say how tiring it all was. Which I am sure it was. It was a vicious circle and miserable and neurotic. . I didn't have the maturity to deal well with it then. I don't know if my mother was the sort of generation you could ever communicate easily with. But if we were there again I would try to do so. It sounds a bit like that with your MIL. I would say it is tiring for her and she wants to earn appreciation and gratitude and love and is resentful because she us not getting enough. But it is impossible to feel loving towards someone who is double binding you like this. Perhaps you could try discussing it at a good moment and see if you could both understand each other and reach a compromise.

Just ask your son to have a quiet word with her.

I'd guess she is afraid of losing time with her grandchild, so reminds you at every available opportunity how useful she is, but in fact risking the opposite result.

You sound like a lovely mum and DIL, thinking of all relationships, sure you can work something out.

I should let her look after him once more and when she starts with the usual 'you owe me' scenario just say you're sorry you didn't realise you were putting her out with the child caring rather you thought she really enjoyed spending time with grandson but if it's proving inconvenient/difficult/problematic you can easily make other arrangements to make things easier for her.

She obviously loves the company of your son and maybe she’s lonely. Does she have any friends or hobbies? It sounds as though she’s looking for some appreciation. Whatever else you do, do not deprive her of her grandchild. You could suggest that she should have time for her own interests and that you don’t expect her to take on too many responsibilities in looking after your son, as you understand how tiring little ones can be. I know Mother in Laws can be difficult and I wasn’t always very patient with mine but as you age you realise how important Grandparents are. Make a bit of a fuss of her and I’m sure she’ll feel so much better, and you too. Good luck x

I would just ignore the comments. I wouldn’t get drawn into a discussion. She seems to need to be appreciated . So when she expects a response just pander to her and say “ Yes, it’s lovely that you can spend time with him”. Don’t get drawn . She may just get tired of reminding you when you just keep saying the same thing in response. It’s called “ the broken record response”

I would say “I know you are really keen to spend time with him, but we were hoping to spend time together as family that day…” Or “We planned a bit of mummy and daddy time with our DS that day”…Or “I know you like spend time with him and we can probably spare him for X number of hours”…just reiterate it’s her request not hers….Or if she starts with her nonsense try laughing and tease her about the fact she’s the one who requested the contact….Good luck!

My MIL used to sit for us weekly ( one evening) so DH and I could go to a choir and sing. (Wasn’t a long sit) was her idea, when we came back had our ears bent over something we had/hadn’t done. Got so fed up with her spoiling our evening, I left the choir so we didn’t have to use her.

You all gain from her having him. Next time, say, ‘ if you would like to have him over you are welcome to, I’m not busy so don’t to feel you need to have him, only if you’d like to spend time with him’
It’s a shame to keep him from her if she is a good nanny, and you could do with a break now and then .

i wouldn't say we want family time, as that seems rather unkind, to remind her that she is on the outer circle, so to speak.
just be calmly in charge.
don't get into emotional wrangling.
you don't have to give reasons why you don't need her to babysit, otherwise it can slide into trying to justify, finding good enough reasons, to persuade or convince.
keep your own counsel on that.
let her say what she wants, perhaps she needs to.
and be in charge of what actually happens.

I think it's a generational thing.she appears to need to have constant affirmation of how good she is!? Shame really as she must feel a bit of a spare part to have this mindset and may feel in reality out of the'loop' so she over compensates by being a bit of a royal pain, (think hyacinth-annoying yet endearing in a rolling eyes way) there you have it, full analysis and I recommend screaming into a cushion or pillow to relieve tension........but please don't weaponise any gk, that's a no-no

dumdum

My MIL used to sit for us weekly ( one evening) so DH and I could go to a choir and sing. (Wasn’t a long sit) was her idea, when we came back had our ears bent over something we had/hadn’t done. Got so fed up with her spoiling our evening, I left the choir so we didn’t have to use her.

How childish?

If I through I made comments like that I’d hope my two daughter inlaws would say something to me and not ask the world. Ok one of mine lives too far away so they have a date day and night when I visit so I’m grateful for my alone time. But if I take them anywhere if my sons or my daughter inlaws say can you have them back about that time. I do aim for it at end of day I’m nanna not mum it’s showing respect. I’d be honest with her and tell her after all she’s got two choices huff and miss out on grandkids or except it and do as you ask. Just say to her we not saying this to be nasty but when you take Pluto can you do as we ask after all we his parents not you.