Granny offers help, then holds it over us

Lots of good advice...I agree with B9...I do feel that it should he your Husband that has a quiet gentle word (I'm sure I read it correctly that it's your husbands Mother ?)

I would have my DH to have a gentle word with her telling her how you both feel , maybe doesn’t know what she’s doing or maybe she does , but the effect her attitude is having on you both is not fair to anyone ,these should be happy times .
Honesty is always the best policy .

You really need to put boundaries in place or you will probably regret it. My Mother always offered to have my little girl and, as a single parent, working 3 jobs whilst also studying to be a teacher, I grabbed her offers with both hands. When I turned up to collect her, she would always be doing something really exciting which was difficult to drag my daughter away from as she would get so upset so quite often she would stay with my mother encouraging her every step of the way. When I cried because I just wanted to take her home, I was told I was silly and children were just like that. It was only when my girl grew up I realised that my Mother was telling her that I put everything else before her, couldn't understand what I was playing at, etc, etc. Consequently, my daughter grew up not knowing whether to trust me or not and my mother's money being thrown at her really made it difficult to say, "Don't talk about my Mum like that." By the time I realised the damage was done. If I could go back and do it all again, I would have been far more aware. My daughter's and my relationship will never completely recover so I kick myself for being so trusting and stupid.

wow, ican, what a witch !
that's really sinister. and happens more often than we realise. families are often manipulative, while playing the little miss innocent card.

It's so upsetting when mother in law's are perceived as outsiders whereas maternal grannies are treated as family.Mother in law's are also the child's family the same but they are treated differently and excluded .It's not right and it's not fair.I have one grandchild and I have to have an appointment to see him and I can't even get that.,whereas the other grandmother sees him every day .Its sad for the grandchild too ,there's little hope of bonding and it's heartbreaking ,but who cares when I cry quietly to myself ,noone.

Willow68, your reply sounds about right. Too many people on here who seem to overly relish having a fight with family members, and some who particularly seem to hate grandparents. Yes, she sounds a pain. Her desire to be recognised as being helpful she handles clumsily and I'm not surprised she gets on your nerves doing it. However, surely as Willow says, it's better for you all if you make explicit to her before she has him that there is no need to keep him, that he loves seeing her but she must not feel she must keep him longer than SHE wants, as you are happy to have him back at any time. Maybe if you went to collect him it would stop her hanging on to him for so long she becomes tired and crotchety? It must be nice to get a break sometimes and to know his life is being enriched by her involvement? Don't, please, go down the hard hearted (seems to be out of EastEnders or something ?) road if cutting her off, having a huge row, telling her to b off. You don't sound like that sort anyway. I do agree your son should be part of these discussions too and maybe he could go and get your lad back from her house, meaning you wouldn't have to even hear how 'marvellously kind' she's been.

Im a gran of 5 children. I dont know what age your MIL is but I think I know what she is on about.
She really wants to help and she really really enjoys her time spent with her little grandson BUT she feels so tired afterwards. This is a FACT of older people.
She doesnt want to stop looking after him so acknowledge that it is a tiring job. Agree with her and perhaps suggest less time next time. She just wants you to understand from her side.Im speaking as one who has been there!

no, it doesn't sounds like that situation.
here they are letting the GM have the child to please her, the GM, not because they need childcare.
she seems to be a bit possessive about him, mixed with holding it over them, as if they should be beholden to her.

We got a childminder to do a short day each week and made it clear we thought the GSs preferred being with Nana but she never needed to feel put upon as we could always get the childminder to step in and do more, even at short notice. Otherwise we faced a little bit of carefully orchestrated last minute 'uncertainty' about times and days etc which could have impacted on my working hours (wfh, only had to actually be in the office a few hrs a week so very flexible most of the time). Remove the possibility that she is essential and you're back in control and you can enjoy her contact with the children. Don't chase her away just stop her feeling she can guilt trip you.

Anneeba

Willow68, your reply sounds about right. Too many people on here who seem to overly relish having a fight with family members, and some who particularly seem to hate grandparents. Yes, she sounds a pain. Her desire to be recognised as being helpful she handles clumsily and I'm not surprised she gets on your nerves doing it. However, surely as Willow says, it's better for you all if you make explicit to her before she has him that there is no need to keep him, that he loves seeing her but she must not feel she must keep him longer than SHE wants, as you are happy to have him back at any time. Maybe if you went to collect him it would stop her hanging on to him for so long she becomes tired and crotchety? It must be nice to get a break sometimes and to know his life is being enriched by her involvement? Don't, please, go down the hard hearted (seems to be out of EastEnders or something ?) road if cutting her off, having a huge row, telling her to b off. You don't sound like that sort anyway. I do agree your son should be part of these discussions too and maybe he could go and get your lad back from her house, meaning you wouldn't have to even hear how 'marvellously kind' she's been.

Great Post.

I would say the next time she says something about helping” oh are you sure it’s not putting you out” she’ll soon get the message and stop being so patronising. Sylvia

Sorry went on to message someone.

When she starts saying how great she is to look after the child try saying
Yes they really enjoy being with you. But we don't want to put on you too much as we know he's very energetic at this age. You must say if you think more than once a week is too much and we won't be offended.
HTH xxx

B9 exchange very sensitively put.

Lin663 Wed 31-Aug-22 13:19:21
I would say “I know you are really keen to spend time with him, but we were hoping to spend time together as family that day…” Or “We planned a bit of mummy and daddy time with our DS that day”…Or “I know you like spend time with him and we can probably spare him for X number of hours”…just reiterate it’s her request not hers….Or if she starts with her nonsense try laughing and tease her about the fact she’s the one who requested the contact….Good luck!
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I think this is the best advice you've had.

dumdum Wed 31-Aug-22 13:20:17
My MIL used to sit for us weekly ( one evening) so DH and I could go to a choir and sing. (Wasn’t a long sit) was her idea, when we came back had our ears bent over something we had/hadn’t done. Got so fed up with her spoiling our evening, I left the choir so we didn’t have to use her.
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dumdum I'd have done exactly the same as you did. Absolutely no point keeping on with an activity that's soured for you every single time.

Why is this comment here and not on Mumsnet?

Because gransnet is for any and everyone to use, as they see fit.

Is your MIL like that about other things, or is it just over your son? My mum really wants to be thanked for everything, and of course we (my siblings and I) do that, but it’s never enough. If she buys an item of clothing as a present (for instance) I would say thank you at the time, but she would ask a while later if it fits nicely, or if it washed well, to get more thanks. Anything she does is spoilt by the constant reminders of how good to us she is, and we do thank her when she does them. Childcare was never an issue for us as my mum rarely looked after mine (she didn’t approve of working mothers).

I don’t know if it’s a generation thing, as there are a lot of posts on here about people wanting more thanks for presents, and comments that ‘we have been very generous with money’ before pointing out something that posters wish their children had done. Gifts of time or money seem very loaded sometimes, and whereas it is perfectly reasonable to expect a thank you, they can be spoilt by constant reminders of indebtedness.

Having said that, it’s annoying, but in the end, it’s just words, and if she’s made happy by your thanks, why not just thank her? Why not start a conversation (very chatty - not A Conversation) over a cup of tea and say that you’ve noticed that she gets tired after looking after your son, and that you don’t want her to feel under any obligation- stress that he loves her, but make it clear that the outings should be fun for both of them, and if they are tiring for her it’s fine if she rations them a bit?

You sound like you are a caring DIL, so you’ll probably find the right way to phrase it without hurting her. Good luck.

happycatholicwife1

Why is this comment here and not on Mumsnet?

There is a chance the OP has asked on both, for varied opinions. There are different generational views to OP issue.

Mamma2022 as a MIL, mother, DIL, etc, I recognise your problem as a DIL/ MIL tension issue. You are using the ‘Royal We,’ but where is your husband is all this? I bet he wants you to just suck it up.
But in a few years, your children will not need a babysitter, and the situation will be resolved anyway. Surely her usefulness versus your irritation with her, can be weighed up, and you could just accept her help in the way she wants/ needs to offer it.
Both your Mil and you have issues, IMO.
We look after one of my daughters children as necessary, as we live close by. My daughters can tell me straight what they wants or don’t want., but it’s not such a easy relationship with my DILs .
I think you should just tolerate her behaviour and try and be a bit more easy going, I think all DILs /MiLs irritate one another from time to time. I bet she thinks you are annoying as well.

SylviaPlathssister But in a few years, your children will not need a babysitter, and the situation will be resolved anyway.

OP says 90% of the times she hasn't asked for babysitting, the babysitting is at his mums offer/request. Issue is pushy behaviour by his mum.

IOW, OP doesn't need babysitting now much less a few yrs from now.

People don't care to be pushed and prodded.

I think I'd be ideal mother in law material.
I would never pester to babysit.

MissAdventure

I think I'd be ideal mother in law material.
I would never pester to babysit.

I never pester, beg, cajole to babysit or have 'alone time'. I don't want 'alone' I wait for my daughters to ask to come round.

I can't fathom why any mum can't just wait to be asked.

It does sound as though you include your MiL alot in your LOs life . I suppose she just wants to feel useful ? Make sure next time she offers that you or preferably DH make it clear she must only do a couple of hours because you dont want it to be a chore you want LO and MiL to enjoy the time . My DiL has said to me that our LO loves her nana time which does make me feel happy I must admit !