Granny offers help, then holds it over us

I know I disappeared for a day (while we prepared for returning to school), but I just wanted to thank you all for your responses. You gave me a lot to think about.

The nice thing is that you are wanting to make things work with your mother in law. I wish you well in your quest, and hope you can steer her gently and she will start to manage her need to be needed. Best wishes and good luck ?

Mama2020 - thanks for coming back as sometimes people post here, get lots of responses (which sometimes generate a bit of disagreement among members) but are never heard of again! Good luck for the future, it does sound like your mil is hard work.

I wonder if she’s struggling to make the transition from mum-child to adult-adult? After so long as the one at the centre of things, providing care, food and pretty much everything for her family she is now a MIL, like a dowager who has to defer to the next generation. That can be difficult for some people- particularly if they made their family their world. She might be reminding you of all she does for you to try to regain some of the maternal status she’s lost.

I know it’s irritating- as I say, I have a similar situation with my mum - but it seems to me that you can decide not to put up with it, and put her in her place, reminding her that she is basically irrelevant and unneeded, or bite your tongue and thank her profusely for what she does, whilst carrying on living your life as you choose.

The first option may be satisfying- you will rid yourself of an irritation and firmly establish yourself as the new centre of things, but it risks badly hurting the woman who loves and brought up your husband to be who he is. The second won’t displace you in any way, but will let your MIL cling to her (imagined) role for a while longer. It might be the less ‘honest’ way, and it isn’t something you have to do at all, but it seems to me by far the kinder opinion.

"I am very generous with you "

Your dh: "mom, what do you mean by that?"

I do not understand why mil has to be treated like a delicate flower on the middle of a winter storm.

I would just stop playing her game.

Thank her as you would thank any other person, do not try to make her happy because nothing will

Ask your dh - is this a new behaviour?
Does she do it with everybody?
Does she have friends and how does she behave with them?
Has she always been like this?

OP

If MIL does this with you, she will do it with your child

Stop this behaviour now before it impacts your kid - there is no need for your child to grow up trying to bend over backwards to make an unhappy person happy

Do not teach your child to be a doormat

Great post Doodledog and I agree that the second option is much kinder. This situation can be handled diplomatically and it's never a good idea to use sledge hammer to crack a walnut.

It's good that you want to find a way to sort this out while simultaneously taking your m.i.l.'s feelings into account Mama and I'm sure you'll find a way.

when she says how very generous she is, could you smile, reflect for a moment and say yes, you're right, you are definitely the most generous MIL i have, definitely.
don't be manipulated into feeling uncomfortable.

Doodledog

I wonder if she’s struggling to make the transition from mum-child to adult-adult? After so long as the one at the centre of things, providing care, food and pretty much everything for her family she is now a MIL, like a dowager who has to defer to the next generation. That can be difficult for some people- particularly if they made their family their world. She might be reminding you of all she does for you to try to regain some of the maternal status she’s lost.

I know it’s irritating- as I say, I have a similar situation with my mum - but it seems to me that you can decide not to put up with it, and put her in her place, reminding her that she is basically irrelevant and unneeded, or bite your tongue and thank her profusely for what she does, whilst carrying on living your life as you choose.

The first option may be satisfying- you will rid yourself of an irritation and firmly establish yourself as the new centre of things, but it risks badly hurting the woman who loves and brought up your husband to be who he is. The second won’t displace you in any way, but will let your MIL cling to her (imagined) role for a while longer. It might be the less ‘honest’ way, and it isn’t something you have to do at all, but it seems to me by far the kinder opinion.

There is the third option

Thank MIL as you would anyone else, and refuse to play into her neediness.

You are still doing the right thing by thanking her, but you are refusing to give in to her (possibly unintended) manipulation.

My MIL would do this. Offer to do something - refuse all offers of help, and then complain that no one helped. It was maddening until I realised it was just who she was. I offered, shed say no, and wed both go on to do our respective things.

There is the third option. Thank MIL as you would anyone else, and refuse to play into her neediness. You are still doing the right thing by thanking her, but you are refusing to give in to her (possibly unintended) manipulation.
That's not wildly different from the second one though (thanking her profusely). I suppose it depends if you want to 'win' or make someone happy without losing anything.

Yet another option is to sit her down and thrash it out, saying 'Look, I am a bit torn here, as I never know whether you want to spend time with Baby because you enjoy it, or whether you are doing it because you think we can't manage otherwise. We are happy for you to spend time with him and value the relationship you have with him, but we don't like to think we are taking advantage, and you often say you are tired, so please let us know if it's too much. We won't be upset if you want to cut down on helping, and you can still have time with him.

I can't help thinking that that would be better coming from your husband, but much depends on family dynamics.

Doodledog

I wonder if she’s struggling to make the transition from mum-child to adult-adult? After so long as the one at the centre of things, providing care, food and pretty much everything for her family she is now a MIL, like a dowager who has to defer to the next generation. That can be difficult for some people- particularly if they made their family their world. She might be reminding you of all she does for you to try to regain some of the maternal status she’s lost.

I know it’s irritating- as I say, I have a similar situation with my mum - but it seems to me that you can decide not to put up with it, and put her in her place, reminding her that she is basically irrelevant and unneeded, or bite your tongue and thank her profusely for what she does, whilst carrying on living your life as you choose.

The first option may be satisfying- you will rid yourself of an irritation and firmly establish yourself as the new centre of things, but it risks badly hurting the woman who loves and brought up your husband to be who he is. The second won’t displace you in any way, but will let your MIL cling to her (imagined) role for a while longer. It might be the less ‘honest’ way, and it isn’t something you have to do at all, but it seems to me by far the kinder opinion.

Thank you so much for framing it this way. I do think she’s had difficulty transitioning roles (even though we are much older first time parents and my husband has been out of the next for almost 20 years). I’ll continue trying to find a balance between not encouraging behaviors while also biting my tongue a bit more.

Thanking and Thanking profusely are very different to me. Maybe not to you.

Its not about winning, but having to basically grovel my thanks every time some one did something they offered to do, is certainly not "without losing anything".

Talking it out would never have worked with my MIl - shed have had a tantrum about how mean I was to her.

*nest

MiL never cut the umbilical cord if she still has issues transitioning her role.

It shouldn't take decades to adjust - when the AC is in his 30's!

That's as may be, but whatever the reason, that's the situation in which the OP finds herself. Forensic examination of the background isn't going to change that.

TheDIL has the power in this situation, and it's her choice how or not to use it. They say power corrupts, and it definitely can, but it doesn't have to.

And as we don't know, it's wrong to assume that the OP's m.i.l. hasn't ever been able to cut the umbilical cord.

Re. the second paragraph of your post Doodledog as I posted earlier, it's never a good idea to use a sledge hammer to crack a walnut.

Smileless2012

And as we don't know, it's wrong to assume that the OP's m.i.l. hasn't ever been able to cut the umbilical cord.

Re. the second paragraph of your post Doodledog as I posted earlier, it's never a good idea to use a sledge hammer to crack a walnut.

Indeed, Smileless.

We really never know if someone is still tied to their child.

That's been said of me, nothing is further from the truth. But others see it their own way, through different eyes.

I contend once a week mil already see the child is plenty, more than enough really. But decision made and all that.

Doodledog

That's as may be, but whatever the reason, that's the situation in which the OP finds herself. Forensic examination of the background isn't going to change that.

TheDIL has the power in this situation, and it's her choice how or not to use it. They say power corrupts, and it definitely can, but it doesn't have to.

Curious, Doodledog, in what way does dil have power?

The power to stop the MIL from seeing the baby.

Doodledog

The power to stop the MIL from seeing the baby.

Oh, maybe I read the post wrong.

Appeared the dad was involved in the weekly meetings. I assume he is the one in charge of his mum (holding "power").

Regular time she asks for, Thank you for having grandchild

Extra babysitting you ask for, thank you, we had a lovely time and really appreciate this, and maybe a small gift

I would just ignore hints that is not enough, it is enough

Norah

Doodledog

The power to stop the MIL from seeing the baby.

Oh, maybe I read the post wrong.

Appeared the dad was involved in the weekly meetings. I assume he is the one in charge of his mum (holding "power").

No doubt.

I tend to assume that even though it is usually the woman who posts on here that decisions are made jointly, when they involve children. That's how we always did it, but I agree that that's not true for everyone.

I do the Hithere is right that if you don’t address the behaviour at least in some way MIL will just transfer it to your child when they are a little older.

Doodledog

Norah

Doodledog

The power to stop the MIL from seeing the baby.

Oh, maybe I read the post wrong.

Appeared the dad was involved in the weekly meetings. I assume he is the one in charge of his mum (holding "power").

No doubt.

I tend to assume that even though it is usually the woman who posts on here that decisions are made jointly, when they involve children. That's how we always did it, but I agree that that's not true for everyone.

I'm not sure what you're saying.

Typically in married couples each H and W deals with their own family. I doubt son would use his "power" to exclude his mum from his family, he said he'd talk to her later about the problem.

Could be some couples choose another way of dealing with GP.

I know our DD deal with us (have power over us), not sils.

Hithere

OP

If MIL does this with you, she will do it with your child

Stop this behaviour now before it impacts your kid - there is no need for your child to grow up trying to bend over backwards to make an unhappy person happy

Do not teach your child to be a doormat

This was quite profound.

I too would worry about this behavior being projected on to the child.

Too many families simply accept toxic behavior because “that’s just how so and so is”. Little care or thought is put into how the younger generation is impacted by unhealthy relationship dynamics. Even on this thread, we have women encouraging another woman to simply take on the personal issues of another adult. No doubt said attitude would be applied to the child, since there seems to be an idea of unwavering deference to older folks being shouted by so many. The cycles of toxicity never break when we allow generational toxicity to pass from one generation to the next. Indeed, the child will be taught to bend over to make their perpetually unhappy granny happy if the OP takes the advice given here by many.