Should i pay- tricky dilemma

DH and I bought a stairlift ourselves which he definitely needed after he broke his hip. But we also have numerous other items from our local adult social services team that are a huge help with DH's limited mobility. The team has been very helpful, all free of charge although we have offered to pay for items. The aim is to keep people out of hospital/care and in their own homes for as long as possible.

I think you should be honest and simply say you cannot afford it. If the bed is so essential it might be available from social services - who might in fact assess it as unnecessary or suggest an alternative item. DH has a bed handle from adult social services that is a big help.

Community nurse, OT or Physio can order the necessary equipment. It will come from the local community equipment store probably run by a company such as NRS or Millbrook commissioned by local nhs and council. But same stuff as you buy.
Electric/ profiling beds provided free with no means test on long term loan for lots of people to protect carers backs
Your sibling unqualified to say what best and it’s a waste of money that could be spent on other things to make your relative more comfortable.

how about pointing out that as a percentage of income that is just too much for you. I also agree they need a specialist occupational therapist to discuss with your parents and family what exactly they need, its too easy to buy the wrong thing and be unable to use it. My mum insisted on going to a private hearing aid company. They had wonderful advertising, provided a lovely hearing aid but it was too small for her hands to use, so for £600+ it was useless. She wouldn't let me complain either, or give me the name of the company, because she felt silly I expect. An NHS hearing aid assessment would have considered that.

DO NOT contribute, and tell them firmly that you cannot afford it. They are putting you in a difficult situation, and shame on them for doing this.

Who has identified and articulated this "need"? Is it an OT recommendation? You said your parent doesn't want to spend the money as they don't see the need? If they don't see the need and won't buy one voluntarily then it's a bit rich for your siblings to make this decision and foist such a bed on the AP unless there are genuine risks that have been identified in not having one. Either way, you shouldn't be contributing if you can't afford it. Good luck.

Your sibling has a cheek. She knows that she is putting a strain on you... so, frankly, I would tell her where to get off, albeit politely. Something like "You know that I am not as well off as you and the others. You know I am single and supporting my kid. You nknow the parent could easily but this item, but is stingy enough not to, because she expects us to do it, maybe because we will be inheriting something. So... count me out." If that means they cut you off, you'll know that it was about pique, not just about money. Maybe they wanted to put you in a corner, just because they have money, and you don't.

Don't pay.simple. if they take issue then that's their problem. Hopefully they'll just carry on and not make a fuss.you cannot let them bully you over this, I'd say. Here's hoping you can simply ignore they and carry on with your busy life!

My mother was provided with necessary equipment and bed on NHS loan scheme after NHS Occupational Assessment. House alterations on the other hand are means tested.

I suggest you get your parents some forms from the social services department and TELL your siblings to help them fill them in. They will enjoy giving all their financial details to strangers at the Town Hall.

Then I suggest that you put their mattress on the floor and then they cannot fall out of bed. If they dont like the floor and cannot get up by themselves, I am sure social services will send someone round every day for which they will have to pay and where I live, if social services think they can afford to pay then they will have to pay.

Then I suggest you go on holiday.

we get this too and my in laws all have more in their bank accounts than we do. I don't know what the answer is. It easy to say, just say no but the reality is you are sucked in and made to feel guilty

Are your parents suffering from mental disability? If so, is anyone POA. and perhaps dictating what they consider your parents need. If they have mental capacity seems strange both parents aren't willing to basically help themselves by buying the new bed and possibly other items. I'd just tell your sibling parents should pay and you can't contribute if family go ahead with purchase. Perhaps your parents can contribute your share if siblings still want to "gift" the bed.

Offer what you can, say £25. They’ll get the message. X

I get this from both sides.
The local authority will provide equipment and alterations if person can’t afford to pay. This does not apply to your parents.
I would say £250 is a lot of money to me. I could contribute £50 in a few weeks when I’ve saved up.
Well that’s what I’d do.

My mother is at home with nursing care and has all her equipment provided by NHS. One of the dangers in buying equipment which family consider helpful may in fact may not be appropriate and cause more problems or even injury. It is far better to have an OT assessment to decide what is needed and can be supplied on loan.

Do not be afraid to be assertive with your family about your financial situation. Guilt can be a tricky emotion to deal with, but if you don’t your resentment will grow. Best of luck. Stay strong.

You say your siblings "don't get this" regarding your finances. They wint if you don't have a clear and transparent conversation with them . Whether they acknowledge your situation or not they must be aware you don't go on holiday etc and that you live a different life to them . So go, give it a go, you've got this x

Juggernaut

As for not being able to access the bath, get their GP to give you the number for social services loans. LA social services loan out items such as bath lifts, wheelchairs, kettle tippers, wheelie- walkers etc, and it's never means tested.
We paid out for a stair lift for my DM, she used it for seven months, and when we sold it back to the suppliers, we lost 85% of the cost as it was 'second hand'!

I agree with this. If they need aids they will get an assessment and be provided with them.

Surely, an NHS would suffice?

If your parents do not want it, tell everyone else to stop interfering. No need to explain your own circumstances. Tell them if it was you you would hate having siblings bringing you hospital equipment to your home!

I am not being hard here but as they 'don't see the need' then that should be that. The choice has to be theirs. The items should not be purchased by their children. Do stand firm on this...

Been there, done that. If the parents have the finance, they should use it.............it's not your responsibility but when/if that finance is gone......then that's another conversation down the road. Don't feel pressurised. Perhaps one of the others could put in an extra share and.........get back an extra share at a later date.

You do not have to buy an electric bed if it is for health reasons they need it This is provided by the NHS funding if eligible, if not eligible they do not need it, and I would definitely not pay. It they siblings just think they need it regardless let them pay. Contact Social Services and have an assessment done, even your local enablement service can make an assessment and refer to panel if a bed is required. I highly recommend the Bakare beds which I received for my late husband when requiredhttps://www.googleadservices.com/pagead/aclk?sa=L&ai=DChcSEwixiJPO24f6AhVmgFAGHXRCC6oYABABGgJkZw&ae=2&ohost=www.google.com&cid=CAESa-D26ABKoMfT6QvgRvZ2giX1amQPGha2kqc1v2k4nKpLpogJAVcbwf2Q6osfjwfbMzqHSryA6nvte6GghGyTZ-YrqoVWaK9wYu8ERz4dkh76El7l_XuxmdD-pQR3RgfrTSXtLawti8mlqIAT&sig=AOD64_0xemacy7pX3yvUG7p6KGyB_7IGAg&q&adurl&ved=2ahUKEwj0w4rO24f6AhUMKMAKHb2eA-wQ0Qx6BAgGEAE

I know how you’re feeling. Your situation is similar to the one I was in only my parents wouldn’t have expected ANY of us to pay and certainly not me . Be strong. Tell them NO. Start putting yourself first for a change. Good luck!

I have not read all replies so apologies if already posted. One option would be to keep paperwork and claim back off the estate when the time arises. I bought things for my parents when I saw a need and did not ask for payment though usually it was offered later. I used to say it was an advance christmas present and let it go. The most expensive was a stairlift that we insisted on if mother was to return from nursing home and live on her own. Another was a electric recliner that I managed to source second hand but on my next visit a brand new identical one had arrived for the other side of the room!

If your siblings live near you, invite them all for a cup of coffee on Sunday and tell them what you have told us here.

Make it plain that you cannot afford to contribute to things they feel, and you agree, that your parents really do need.

Say you also have reservations about buying things your parents won't buy themselves. How likely are they to use them?

My parents certainly would not have used anything my sister or I suggested, but happily accepted the gadget if a doctor or nurse recommended it.

I frankly find it very wrong that your siblings are even considering just buying things your parents refuse and equally wrong that as your parents could afford to buy these things that their adult children are doing so for them.

This last part is strictly my opinion, and you probably won't want to mention it.

You have no need to feel guilty, so don't let yourself be persuaded into joining in this hare-brained scheme.

If your siblings don't live nearby, send them all a group e-mail on the subject. If they bring it up again, stand firm.

Do your parents have a Lifeline ? It may be called something else in your area . My uncle had one and you either wear it round your neck or on your wrist . It is a button connected to your telephone , if your parent falls out of bed they press for assistance , the telephone voice will ask them what their need is and will contact one of 3 designated phone numbers on parents behalf . I was down as first contact for my uncle and had to check on him a few times eg . When he fell out of bed or when his catheter blocked . I was able to help him myself or get him appropriate attention .
There is a fee for this service of about £15 per month or so but it gives peace of mind .
My uncle refused to have it at first but he fell in the bathroom one evening and was there all night until his neighbour noticed his curtains hadn’t been opened and call me to check him . He was 90 years old and to be on the floor for hours like that can badly damage your kidneys . It was after that that he agreed to have the call service installed .