The dreaded talk!

Meow…
Show them the message you wrote here. Then have a follow up conversation. You have friends where you are (I’m sure) and sometimes friends are more emotionally supportive than even your own family. (I’ve seen that over and over again.)

If you’re happy where you are, stay. You seem to be managing fine. Perhaps in a few years you’ll change your mind.

Take care of yourself in the meantime. Try to relax and be content with whatever you decide. Emotional peace of mind is half the battle.
Cheers to you and say hello to kitty!
USA Gundy

Yes V3ra what I really need to do is find the right time to actually go up to the place concerned for a couple of nights and NOT stay with family but visit the place after researching the sort of resources I like...and have a good old ponder.

To anyone who may be considering making this move, as well as looking at what property is available I'd suggest doing a bit of online research for activities, groups or clubs in the new area that you might be interested in.

You could have a look if they have a Facebook page for instance which might give you an idea of what they're like.
You could email the secretary, or phone with any questions. I did this with the private family-run day centre my Dad now goes to.

Start to think about whether a move could be a positive thing for yourself.

Maybe suggest to your children that you go and stay with them for a week and visit a few of these clubs.
The centre Dad goes to offers a free introductory day for example.

If your a WI member, or would like to join, find out when their meetings are and ask if you could come as a guest. Ours offers three guest visits before you decide whether to join.

It would all help you make an informed decision, either way , that you, and hopefully your family, are happy with.

Urmstongran

“If in doubt do nowt”.
Especially as your ‘cons’ list is longer.
My lovely late mother in law used to say “please others and you displease yourself”.

The fact that you have an estranged daughter adds another aspect. Perhaps your son is aware it’s only his family doing the to-ing and fro-ing and is starting to resent it? Of course this is only my take on things and I may be wide of the mark. Or not.

“Please others and you displease yourself” is a wonderful motto, I’m taking it on board and wish I had used it throughout my life.

As you are happy in sheltered accommodation (unlike me, happy, but should really downsize after being widowed) I really don’t think you should have any doubts about staying put.
Yes, things may change “going forward” as my daughter puts it, but your gut instinct is to stay and that is enough.
Another poster mentioned they had moved away from you, yes! Never thought of that…

Thank you so much for this thread.

Family recently said, "why not come up and live closer" (it would be sale of house and buying flat in retirement block ie over 60's trip place). They thought "a bungalow" but in fact I don't want to keep having to look after a house and garden on limited budget a lot longer whether I stay local or move the 2.75 hour drive (in good conditions) He is my only son so no sibs to share stuff with. DiL a good organiser but..erm..a bit bossy tho very capable.

It has been mentioned once or twice since then but I realise we haven't in anyway had a Proper Conversation.

like was written above

"you should ask him how he would envisage your life changing if you were to move closer to him and dil - would he for instance still see you for the same amount of time or might you be close enough to join either the family or your dil for impromptu lunch or school event or something? Will being closer to them now add to your life?"

It is far enough to cut links to where I am.

So minuses - loss of the familiar, support stuff already in place etc.

Pluses - possibility of being closer to GC as they are only 4,6,8,10 yrs old and being a real part of their lives as I am only 71 and tho not too well have plenty of time left to see them through being teenagers etc. Moving sooner rather than later equals chance to make my own life in new place.

Minus's.....I'm a home bird, not a great traveler, I stick to things that are safe, its the decision of a lifetime.

Oh, BTW - I have ascertained - first question - they WILL be staying in the area well beyond time I'm likely to go on for - DS has tenure in Uni and they are very happy in the area and one DGC has special needs they have sorted locally.

If you're in sheltered housing, I would assume you are part of a 'community' or a S.H. complex. If you are feeling well looked after, as far as your neighbours are concerned, I would think you'd be happier where you are.

Baggs I think the OP has talked about this with her family, but they are continuing to pressure her.

If it was a case of you selling up a property and buying a more manageable one near your family, then I think that would be worth considering.

However, you are in sheltered accommodation, with the security that comes with that (although I believe in some cases this does not confer complete security to stay where you are but I may be wrong. I just remember that my granddad, who was in sheltered accommodation, was pressured to find an alternative because he became less able to manage and annoyed other tenants with the high volume on his TV and other issues). Having said that, private rental is a minefield - you will not be protected from rising costs and you will not have security of tenure. As another poster said, it may be possible for you to obtain sheltered housing in your family's locality. Would that appeal to you more?

I have heard several stories where older people have moved to be nearer their families and haven't seen them anywhere near as often as they had expected.

I do understand your family's dilemma. My Mum was in her 90's, with very poor sight and hearing, but she would not contemplate moving nearer us, even though she was more or less "marooned" in a village where there was little support from neighbours, except from one older longstanding friend who was marvellous. With a Power of Attorney I organised for her to have assistance in the morning and evening - administering eye drops, getting a drink/snack, etc. This wasn't really enough support but she was very anxious about spending too much and I did not want to upset her. On reflection, this was a big mistake. I should have just bought in more care and lied about the cost. I visited her each week - three hours each way on public transport - but I realise now that I should have done much more and feel very bad about it. Children feel guilty that they can't do as much as they feel they should so I do understand your family's position.

It is a very difficult situation, and I can understand your family's concerns. In the final analysis, though, it should be your decision, particularly as you say you have sufficient funds to buy in assistance if necessary.

Can you not sit down with your son and explain, whilst appreciating his concerns, why you want to stay put using your list of ‘cons’. You can also reassure him that should things change you’ll think again. Sometimes I think pussy footing about trying not to upset people just prolongs the situation

I am glad that I have no children with whom to have this "talk". When the time comes that I can no longer look after myself and life is no longer meaningful I have my own plans for what I will do.

Candelle said 'I agree with Baggs - many adult children suddenly turn the table and they become the adult, the parent the child! In fact, I am not sure how or when this happens but it has to many friends.'

This happened to us very recently when visiting our youngest (47)- on 3rd evening, it started 'you have to do this, you have to do that, you must not do ...' out of the blue. We have never asked for help, ever, and never complained. It was unbelievable and we had to say 'hold on a minute- this is our life and we will do as we please, and not ask for help, or your advice' Discussion and exchange is fine, but that was just very uncomfortable. We later heard that our oldest had already told him that it was none of his business.

We did not fall out, but it was tense and uncomfortable.

Three points
A 2 hour drive is not a long way away - in my 70s, but I do that weekly to see family.
Of course your family may move again, (one of mine has lived all over UK, the other has stayed put on one area).
It may be useful to put your name down for a social housing swap in their area - you wouldn't be committed (?), but it might give you future options. Don't go into private rental - far too precarious -unless you have to.

You say they are a busy family and I feel you would see little more of them than you do now. We live very close to two of our children, they are great but they work full time and the teenage children keep them very busy. I would just say that you are happy where you are and can afford to stay there, you feel secure. Two hours isn't long and if some huge emergency arises and a drastic change in health then you will all be making other arrangements anyway.

Have you actually said "I am not moving" ? It's your life, not theirs, and if you're happy and coping where you are and have the wherewithall to get help if needed then why move?

If you are happy where you are and do not want to move - then you have your answer. Do not let your family pressure you into doing something you do not want.

If you have full capacity which I ve no doubt you have you need to make your own decisions whilst thanking your son and daughter in law but 75 is not old old plenty of life in your if you were 85 I might ask more questions but that’s 10 years away
My aunty lived on her own until she was 92 no children my Dad her nephew kept an eye on her but she managed even the steep steps of her two up, two down …but my dads mum had her daughter and son in law come to live with her at a very early age and her daughter dads older sister did everything for her I never saw her even go out or leave the house She sat and watched the world go by her daughter did everything for her she was a very placid lady and just sat still I never even saw her getup and make a cup of tea for herself My dads sister was a lovely lady but so over protective she kept her safe but what a life

I wanted my Mum to move closer to us after my Dad died, we are just over an hour away.
She refused, she had a good Doctor, was close to an excellent Hospital, had some good friends to keep an eye on her and let me know if there were any problems.
At the time she also had some elderly brothers and sisters alive that she visited regularly.
Yes it would have been easier for me, but in the end she stayed put and we visited.

My Dad (91 now) moved to our town four years ago after Mum died as he wasn't coping. He used to live nearly four hours away, now he's 15 minutes.

He's in a flat with a great onsite care team for as much help as he wants.
I've found him a super private day care centre which he goes to twice a week and really enjoys.
I've signed him up for the afternoon teas once a month run by Re-engage.
The residents where he lives have a get-together at least twice a week which he goes to.
My husband and I include him in our social life whenever we can. Our children are all adults so we have no particular commitments there.

However... Dad had no social life where he was before, no friends after Mum died, and was really lonely.

His life has definitely been improved by moving, but doing so needs careful weighing up for each person and their family.

Well, I don’t see why the adult children shouldn’t think of their “own convenience”. They are the ones doing the drive. And if the OP stays where she is she is thinking of her convenience. Not that I think she shouldn’t please herself but one is no worse or better than the other.

Obviously if they are seeking change something in the current arrangements doesn’t work for them. If the OP doesn’t make a change then they will have to be the ones that do.

That probably comes down to fewer visits until they achieve the level that works for them as a family. In making her decision I think the OP should take account of the fact that things cant remain the same as they are now.

My choice would be to remain where I am and accept that those changes will need to be made. I certainly wouldn’t want my children to make their own lives difficult in order to accommodate my choices.

Don't move just in case of emergency and to just make the emergency slightly more convenient for family members. What other benefits are there in the move as you do t mention any really. Weigh up all the pros and cons in weighted priority order before you make any decision. On balance staying put seems the best option, for now.

I agree with Baggs - many adult children suddenly turn the table and they become the adult, the parent the child! In fact, I am not sure how or when this happens but it has to many friends.

One does not suddenly lose marbles (or they would be very unlucky if this was the case) and can reason for themselves. On the other hand, we don't always see ourselves as we really are and it is possible that the OP's family has seen signs of decline, not recognised by the OP. It is tricky!

Personally, we hope to tick over in our own home without downsizing or moving into a care home but that is really in the lap of the Gods, as no one can foresee the future. We hope that instead of being in a care home we can stay in ours but buy in services as we need them. I have visited friends in care homes and they have to rise when it suits the home, eat meals when it suits the home and on and on: I would hate and rebel at every second! Of course, if health dictates that even buying in case is impossible, a home it would have to be. We do not want our children caring for us in any capacity.

As the OP's son is within return driving distance in a day, perhaps visits/care could be combined with other siblings?

Perhaps the OP could show her son the replies here so he understands the depth of feeling from 'older' people whilst appreciating that he is a lovely son who care about his mother.

Living in a sheltered home is not the same as a care home and I hope the OP can maintain her personal independence in her current accommodation for as long as she decides she wants to.

Stick in your toes and stay where you are! It sounds an admirable situtation.

Two hours journey to reach you "if anything happens" is a long journey?

Not in my book - most of our generation had that kind of journey to our old parents and many a good deal farther.

It took three hours to get to my paternal grandparents, and a day to reach my maternal one - not ideal, but such is life, when you were born in one country and marry someone from another.

Our son has a four hour journey to us and it bothers neither him nor us to think of.

We will all die one day, but that is no reason to make the rest our lives a burden to us, is it?

Tell your family, that much as you love them and appreciate that they love and worry about you, you want to stay where you are. Dicuss frankly what you want to happen if you ever cannot any longer make your own decisions, (this only happens to relatively few after all) funeral wishes, or pre-paid arrangements, and if you think it any business of theirs the provisions of your will.

Once that dreaded conversation is behind you, enjoy life!

OP is 75, not 95!

Some 75 year olds are more like 95 year olds. At 75 my mother couldn't cope on her own but if she had written on GN she would have sworn blind she could. She is in her 80's now and is convinced that she is quite able to cope even though she can no longer stand, make a cup of tea, or dress herself. We can't really tell from a post on here.
It may be that the son sees what is coming down the line where care might be needed and knows the older you are, the harder it is to start again.

Yes, so it is up to the OP, and all of us who want to keep our independence, to ensure we don't phone them and make demands on their time too often, and have plans in place- and accept when we need more paid help and get it organised.

OP is 75, not 95!

On the other hand, some ageing parents impose on their AC

We have had so many posts that highlighting the unrealistic expectations and the strain on AC's lives

Adult children often treat ageing parents like they’re incapable of making sensible decisions about their lives , despite the fact they’re been managing for the last 60+ decades.
It’s sounds like you have made very sensible planning for your retirement. You’re in sheltered housing. Have a private pension and can afford a cleaner / carer.
Say you appreciate their concern but gave it all a lot of thought and feel you have made sensible decisions. Don’t get pushed into anything. I know people who have been persuaded to move and barely see the family any more than before.