Bullied grandchild.

Shelflife

I am shocked at some if the responses on this thread!!! He is a child who made a mistake. Kircubbin,
he may have brought it on himself, he may have an awkward personality,
that is no reason to condone what is happening! Isolation , bullying is NEVER EVER acceptable. Am I alone in my view?

No Shelflife you are not. Heaven forbid that any of our grandchildren should ever do anything wrong. Do people think he should be an outcast forever?

No - bullies seem to pick on kids who are ‘different’ for some reason. It also happens amongst so- called adults of course. Bullying can often be quite covert and hard to deal with. I think maybe someone needs to talk to this young man and explain exactly why this particular bullying has occurred. He probably needs to get at least one of the current bullies onside and say he is sorry for his comments.

No Shelflife I agree with you too. Isolation, exclusion is bullying. Yes the boy made a mistake. He was wrong. He is a child and all the children in the class should be helped to understand. He’s apologised. Providing it was a genuine apology what more can he do.
He bullied and is now being bullied. If the teacher can get them all together they stand a chance of resolving this.
It is possible this boy is on the autism spectrum. He could well be unable to feel empathy. Being unable to empathise with others is a characteristic of autism and if that’s the case this boy will have a tough life. Right now I think they all need help.

kircubbin2000

lemsip

You seem to know an awful lot about 'a friends grandchild'

Yes Lemsip, I had coffee with her yesterday and she was discussing the problem. She thinks he may be on the autistic spectrum although he is very bright.

Seems a reasonable conclusion. Perhaps assessment?

kircubbin autism has nothing to do with intelligence.

Germanshepherdsmum

Serves him right. Now he knows how it feels. He seems an unpleasant boy, old enough to know better.

Oh for goodness sake, yes he made a big mistake, he hs a big lesson to learn but he is young and still learning!

Not an excuse for you Germanshepherdmum, you don't sound very pleasant yourself in that post!

Shelflife no you are not alone in your thinking!

I’m afraid I still don’t like the language used that minimises or excuses his actions or seeks to blame the other children and paint them as the bullies and him as the victim.

Let’s be clear. He bullied another child and expected others to join in with him.

Until the adults in his life face up to the reality of that and work with him on that basis he is unlikely to change. If he sees that adults will defend him he is very likely to continue with similar behaviour.

The other children did not “turn on him”. They showed very clearly that they disliked his behaviour and wanted nothing to do with it. As they are continuing to not want his company then I assume he has done nothing to show that he regrets hurting another child other than it is now unpleasant for him.

I was quite shocked when one poster said that what he had done was “of no consequence”. It will have had enormous and damaging consequences for the child he bullied.

Does he need help. Absolutely. Should any bullying of him be tackled. Of course.

Is not wanting his company bullying? I don’t think so. As I said before, the hard work of change must come from him for the other children to feel comfortable in his company. They may well be thinking he will watch out for their vulnerabilities to use and be wary of him.

We wouldn’t want them to be forced into that position and made anxious because adults require it of them. Would we?

But the other children making up stories about him is most definitely bullying and needs to be tackled. And if they are doing it as a group it’s even worse, and they need to learn that their behaviour is unacceptable. This whole situation needs to be tackled quickly.

I would like to know what stories and if they are truly made up

Anyway... I hope the child who was homesick is ok and I am glad there was so much support

I wonder how long this has been going on. A short time of being isolated may have had a salutary affect but the making up of stories and a long isolation is unkind so I think teacher intervention might be needed.
If the child has some difficulties with friendships and awkwardness along with a lack of empathy, that may well be sign on autism. Being very bright could be as well! We have several autistic members of our family and they have always been bright, loners who are unable to make or keep friends and certainly lacking empathy especially if they think the person who they are helping aren't following what they think they should do!

Your friend needs to tell her grandson that his behaviour was wrong and unkind and he is now suffering the consequences. It is up to him to regain his classmates' trust, and it will not be easy. He doesn't seem to understand how poor his behaviour was, and he may need help to face up to it.

This sort of behaviour is not usual when children go away on school trips; the farther they are from home the kinder they become to each and support those who are finding it hard. One generally sees the best side of their natures.

Two wrongs don’t make a right as they say.
The DS was wrong to try and make fun of another. The others rightly didn’t side with him. He is now having stuff made up about him and being ignored or isolated. It may well give him insight into what he has done and make him not do the same again. But it needs to stop now. All of them need help in understanding different forms of bullying and it could help all of them if the subject was tackled at school. The GS needs help in understanding why what he did was wrong .

Sorry GS not DS

One more thought, what the GS did was wrong but if he is seem as being “different” that may well explain the others reaction to him. Being “different” for any reason is often an excuse for others to gang up against them

It is quite important to learn forgiveness at a young age as well.

The original child who was mocked will be fine as he is very popular and a leader. He has not forgotten the incident.
I think being different has hit the nail on the head. Her gs has always been unpopular ,for example always having to be first in the queue, first to get the teachers approval etc.
I feel sorry for her but have no other advice.

The bullying will be stopped quite easily, but the harsh fact is that the child has lost the goodwill of his classmates through his own actions and they will find it hard to trust him. again. They won't continue to gang up on him but he will be isolated until he learns to alter his behaviour and he needs help with this.

Sounds more to me easybee that he didn’t have any goodwill from his classmates in the first place. If the other boy is popular and the GS unpopular then it was probably a forgone conclusion of what would happen. Kircubbin your friends family could consider autism from some of the comments you’ve made. If he’s not, all well and good and they can try and tackle his manner and behaviour by explaining things to him if he is not neurotypical then the sooner he gets help the better.

easybee I hope you are right about the bullying being stopped quite easily. In my experience it isn’t.

The longer the situation goes on, the more complicated its likely to be to sort out.

Lesson learned, (the hard way, and probably the best way) but there is no need for it to drag on and on.

Surely this problem is for the boys parents to sort out, not your friend! I used to say to my daughter that life was a series of decisions and consequences. Hopefully he will have learned a valuable lesson and if he shows a bit of remorse, (particularly to the boy he was horrible to) then hopefully things will settle down. If not and he continues to be shunned then something else must be going on and the school should be put in the picture.

kircubbin plenty of very bright people are on the spectrum. My daughter deals with a lot of post grad science students and finds most of them are hardly neurotypical.

I have worked with autistic children for a number of years and I have * never* known an autistic child to bully another child.
They may not make appropriate responses to other children and come over as uncaring, or they may say inappropriate and hurtful things but fundamentally the intention is never to hurt or harm.

They wouldn’t know how to go about bullying. Bullying needs an understanding of what another person could feel and how to manipulate others as this child tried to do.

So I can’t agree with those who suggest he might be autistic. Not at all.

I tend to agree with you Lathyrus. My autistic grandson would not be capable of bullying.He does get bullied but is so sensitive that he would never hurt another child’s feelings. However if he gets physically bullied he will respond in kind but that is another story!