Distance issue

Lizzie- I understand that your situation presents many obstacles. Honestly, I can see how making a long journey, coping with either your husband’s poor driving or his running commentary and figuring accommodations is hard.

Sure, others see our circumstances with a clearer eye but I dare say they don’t see their own the same way.

It sounds to me you have two goals: to see your children/ grandchildren more and to position yourself and your husband so it is safer and easier for you to do so.

To that end I say,” Brava!”

Just be sure- as others have pointed out- that your daughters are on board with your plans. Don’t assume they will truly welcome your moving closer.

Also make sure you are prepared to extend your social circle beyond family once you move.

That said, I think it is a lovely thing to move closer to our adult children ( if they welcome it) as we age. In many ways it’s a gift to them as well as us.

As for the dog - even though I dearly love my cats- I understand others may not and I light one day have to choose.

I fully understand that your husband has no confidence in driving long distances but at the same time he does not want you to drive. i don't think this is because you are a woman as he would probably feel the same way if his partner was a man. I used to drive all of the time but then when my husband had his cataracts done , he now drives and I can't get a look in! . Not sexism but I think he is making up for lost time
If you want to move home then fine but please don't move and think your children's lifestyle will change
. I used to have a very demanding job and it was difficult trying to balance my time between home, work and visiting my mother who became a vegetable when she had a stroke. I felt guilty that the majority of visits fell to my brother (single and was able to retire early), but we had a massive mortgage at the time and there was no way I could give up work. It took 4 years to sell the house (we wanted to move to be nearer to my mom). Your children may want to see you more, but working life gets in the way. Moving location is not always the answer
On the practical side I would ask if you could have a dog sitter (there are some good ones around) to look after the dog and you take a train or coach to stay in a travelodge or similar . If you book in advance, the prices can be reasonable

A neighbour has a good relationship with her daughter despite the fact there are several miles between them as the daughter lives in another country. Distance - or the lack of it- is not the issue. not every mother and child have close relationships. I never did but my brother did.

sparkynan

Hi Lizzie B1 I just wanted to say, some and only some of the GN posters are hard-faced dictatorial, rude and bullyish.. and are very unkind. They don't care that they come across as arrogant and think they are better than anyone else...
But we are not all like that.
Also, my husband is a complete door handle when I'm driving, and I drive as part of my job.. I take slow breaths and ignore him.

Irony is strong here sparkynan.

LizzieB1

I’d just like to say that this is my first experience bearing my soul to the public. Overall some of you have raised some very valid points which have been constructive and left me with food for thought but some have been unnecessarily rude! So its probably not a good idea to seek advice from people who don’t know you. Maybe I should have listened to the Queen’s advice and just kept kept quiet.

Don't do that LizzieB1

Yes, people can be horrible on here, but some can be quite nice and helpful. Unfortunately, you have to be fairly thick skinned to cope with social media. But it can be quite a bit of fun listening to other people's ideas.

I started using GN during lockdown and I can honestly say it was a life saver even though I did get into some arguments.

On the question of moving, I would endorse those who advise you move if you really want to do so, but don't expect it to be the answer to all your difficulties. Choose somewhere you think you can find a lot of interesting activities, and build a life for yourself regardless of how much more contact you have with your grandchildren.

My oldest son has a demanding job and plays sport most weekends so we hardly see him. We keep in touch mostly by the odd text. As long as he's OK that's fine with me, sure it would be nice to see him every day, or weekend, and speak regularly, but he's grown up to be independent and busy with loads of friends. I was the same, left home and hardly ever went back. Life is incredibly demanding these days and our kids have their own lives, particularly if they have their own children.

sparkynan

Hi Lizzie B1 I just wanted to say, some and only some of the GN posters are hard-faced dictatorial, rude and bullyish.. and are very unkind. They don't care that they come across as arrogant and think they are better than anyone else...
But we are not all like that.
Also, my husband is a complete door handle when I'm driving, and I drive as part of my job.. I take slow breaths and ignore him.

Hi Lizzie, I agree with sparkynan regarding some of the other remarks in answer to your question! I’ve been where you are, we moved 5 hours away from my DS and his family 3 years ago but they and us found the driving tedious, tiring and expensive so we tried the train which was equally exhausting. We also had a little elderly dog who was my baby who my DIL didn’t particularly like in their home. It started proving too hard and expensive and then suddenly my DH’s personality started changing. My DS & DIL first noticed it on their visits to us and I realised he wasn’t going to be capable of driving the journey much longer and unfortunately I was waiting for a knee replacement too so I couldn’t drive that far either. Long story short they persuaded us to move back near to them in a town we are unfamiliar with etc knowing they both work full time and long hours but our DGS also asked us to come back. Last year we moved back, 20 minutes away from DS & Family and since then I’ve had first knee surgery, other one shortly, but most importantly my DH has recently been diagnosed with vascular dementia which has devastated us both but to be honest I’m very pleased now that they are only 20 minutes up the road and not 5 hours from us. As long as I give them enough notice my DS or DIL will take us for hospital appointments if needed. We are on hand to babysit if necessary. We don’t live in each other’s pockets because they both work long hours but they know we are here which makes them less worried about us and we know they are up the road in case of an emergency. Unfortunately we’ve recently lost our beloved little dog but hopefully when ready will get another one at the right time. My friends live half hour drive from here so when I’m able to drive with my new knee I will meet up with them hopefully. I say go for the move, it exhausting but you’ve started decluttering etc, you’ve got friends near by and as we get older (I’m 66) it’s good to know your family are near if needed. I’m sure you’re daughters and DGC will be happy knowing you are both nearer.
Good luck with the move, I’m wishing you both every happiness with it.

Hi Lizzie B1
I would like to say I had a similar problem one daughter lived close to me with her Three children and the other lived a hundred miles away with hers, my daughter and her husband had very busy and stressful jobs and even though we went to visit when we could we also had busy jobs.
So obviously not seeing them as much as the daughter and family close by.
We decided when we retired to move close to younger daughter who also had a young family, my elder daughter understood as her children had all grown up.
We downsized and moved 10 minutes away from her, I see her and the little ones almost every day which has made our relationship much closer, but I make a point of never calling in uninvited as I know if she calls into me she has the time whereby if I called into her she may not.
Even though I miss my lovely house and friends seeing my daughter and grandchildren more than make up for it and my daughter says she doesn’t know how she ever managed before I moved to live by her ( babysitting etc) and I love having my grandchildren in my life more

Lizzie why don't you drive yourself to your daughters and stay a couple of nights without your DH who could look after your dog? That may solve all sorts of problems and you could have a bit of time to have a heart to heart with family whilst you there, they would see you have compromised! Good luck families are complicated things but we all love each other nevertheless.

i love my son and his family dearly but i understand they are busy with work and family life, i was down in england visiting my father and they came to mine and got a firm to put down new lino in my bedroom and sorted a few other things about the house. i see them when i can and that is fine, my dil checks up on me every few days using facebook as i am on my own. what does your daughter think of you moving house? depending on the age of the children they will have nursery/school or even after school events so you might still not get so see them as much as you want, depending on your age and health would be happy to start somewhere new. the only advice i can give you is find something else to keep you busy and try and be a bit understanding of your daughters busy life.

I really feel for you. However, your daughter appears to have a demanding job n probably when she does have spare time probably catching up with her own family and jobs at home. It’s very tough I know and can understand how you feel. I didn’t see my son, daughter in law and two young grandchildren until early August due to Covid restrictions and not being allowed to leave the country they live and work in for three long years. It was absolutely lovely seeing them but alas the couple of weeks with us soon went and they had to go back. Like you my husband isn’t well but there’s nothing we can do. I face time them usually once a week but that’s it. I read a text where someone suggested booking an air bnb which would enable you to perhaps visit every few weeks or so and maybe you could help your daughter out which I’m sure she would appreciate.

Hope the move goes well and you get to see more of your family.
I get my husband to navigate or I set the sat nav in my phone and listen through hearing aids (he doesn’t criticise, he appreciates having a chauffeur but I have no sense of direction ?) so that might be something you could try?
Could you do Wordle or similar and share the results with your daughters. May not be ideal but it’s a way of being in contact, daily if you wanted.
WhatsApp them when you see/hear something of interest. That sometimes starts a conversation.
Ask if you can take GC out for the day/have them to stay. Invite all of them for a picnic, visit to a park etc.
You may have done all this already in which case just keep reminding yourself how much busier their lives are than ours were and don’t take it personally.
They obviously all love and care for you, hug that knowledge and take comfort from it.

I understand your hurt, I really do, having been there myself, but I think we just have to accept that our children lead very busy lives and they do not seem to need social contact with friends - it's all done online, or with family.

If your husband has lost confidence driving because he got out of the routine during the lockdown, could you not encourage him to take a refresher course ? I gather you don't drive yourself, but perhaps I am wrong about that.

Would taking the train or bus not be possible when you visit your daughters?

Could the dog be left with a friend while you are with the girl who is not keen on dogs?

Moving nearer is not very likely to solve the problem, and do you really want the upheaval, especially if your husband is not well.

Regarding that, sit down and write a letter to both your daughters this very minute. Set out your concerns about their father's health and tell them you really feel the need to be able to talk to them about it.

You can either send the letter to each of them by post or as an e-mail attachment.

Finish the letter by saying that you know they are busy, but you feel the need to discuss their father's health with them, and you feel they have the right to know precisely what is wrong with him (if you and he agree about this and know what is wrong) or tell them that you are broaching the matter in confidence to them and please will they not discuss it with their father.

Finally state that you will phone them next Sunday when you hope they will have had time to read and consider your letter, but that they are of course welcome to phone you at a time that suits them before then.

I would advise that you refrain from comparing yourself to your friends. You have daughters who you appear to be close to, and who have said they would like you to live closer. I would be very grateful for that and cherish them...

Sorry but as someone who also doesn,t like dogs in the house why don,t you leave the dog in kennels when you visit. Children and Grandchildren more inportant than dogs.

LizzieB1 it sounds as though moving nearer could give you the chance to share your feelings with your daughter. Face to face is so much better for good talking and listening, I find (if we can be good listeners, that is). So I hope your move goes well and that you can remain patient and understanding until the time is right.

It does sound as if your husband is the main problem. If my husband complains when I’m driving - which he sometimes does- he gets an earful from me. I do hope your move works out - don’t forget to build your own life there - church? U3A? WI? classes - aerobics, Pilates, Zumba etc - working for charities- your children have flown - you gave them the wings - let them fly. We cannot be dependent on them for our happiness - all the best xx

I noticed the OP's post was asking for advice about how to hide hurt feelings.
The point is: don't harbour them as they won't stay hidden!

I see no reason as to why the proposed move should not be a success, as long as there is no expectation that they will see much more of their daughters, which is unlikely, as they are at the busiest period of their lives, and will simply be relieved that their parents are close by in case of emergency.

If your husband has always behaved like that towards you then I guess you've come to expect it, however if not is it possible he may be exhibiting early signs of dementia? If so do consider and enquire about which area might have the best services for those with that condition as that will become the most important consideration for you over the coming years. Good luck with all the decisions you have to make.

I think there is a range of issues here and I would think carefully about moving closer as your expectations may not be met about the move.

sparknan, I love that! Someone I can identify with whilst also showing compassion with a touch of humour

If you already have good friends in the area plus your family then downsizing and moving may be a good option for you. Maybe go on holiday with some friends with the money you have saved downsizing and leave the husband at home and give yourself a decent break.l! It is a difficult decision. When my mother was Ill I was the nearest with my sisters being 4 hours distance away. I was “expected” to be the go to person when she was I’ll and it was exhausting with a full time job etc. hopefully bring closer will mean a mutually beneficial relationship. Best of luck

Hi Lizzie B1 I just wanted to say, some and only some of the GN posters are hard-faced dictatorial, rude and bullyish.. and are very unkind. They don't care that they come across as arrogant and think they are better than anyone else...
But we are not all like that.
Also, my husband is a complete door handle when I'm driving, and I drive as part of my job.. I take slow breaths and ignore him.

PS Hope all goes well with the move.

I'd 'cope' with negative feelings by looking for positives but I would also tell a daughter whom I felt was neglecting her father that I minded that. Adults should be able to cope with the truth.

LizzieB1
Having family nearby is nice, but it certainly isn’t the answer to a parent’s prayer. When my brother passed away, my sis-in-law sold up and moved to be near her son. BIG MISTAKE ! Her d.I.l. accused her of ‘spying’ on them, visiting at inconvenient hours, etc etc. So, s.i.l. sold and moved again to keep a ‘safe distance’.
I am fortunate to have all 3 children living near me. But I never impose on them. For instance, my d.i.l. recently mentioned that the kids are now starting to have homework to do etc, so, a more convenient time has to be arranged. That put me in my place ?. It’s hard being a loving grandparent !

Hithere

No, as a woman, a man putting my driving down because he lost his confidence is something I do not tolerate

Hear, hear.

I don't swear much but he'd be told to shut the f up...

....after I'd screeched to a halt somewhere so that he could get out and walk if he couldn't keep his remarks to himself.

You don't have to put up with a nagging husband, Lizzie.