Distance issue

Lizzie Hope you're in a better place today xx

Allsorts

Lizzie, Please take no notice some of the put downs.. Some are from estranged grown up children who feel all parents are a nuisance. My d estranged me and I think it's becoming more common, but it does not make it right. All my friends have close and caring families like you, I am the odd one out. It is obvious you and your daughters are close, you have friends in the same area as them, your husband does not like driving that distance now, many men and women get like that as they age, it's quite normal as is the running commentary. For you to move closer makes sense, you do not have to live in each other's pockets , you all have your own interests. In your position I would move. I had a good relationship with my parents and expected I would with mine., I would not leave my dog, who is not well and old in a kennel, they are part if the family, but can understand some people don't feel the same. Follow your instincts in this. Take no notice if the ticking offs.

Good post Allsorts and I agree.

Thank you for that advice which I found helpful. I have actually written to both our daughters very carefully asking ways we could communicate on a more regular basis. Our house sale sadly fell through so I will have to battle on. It’s so hard with no family around to cope with all my husbands health issues and take over a lot of the responsibility. I dread the day I’m ever ill as it’s hard enough to get regular help with the garden!!!

I think I made myself quite clear but even if she didn’t interpret what I was saying it wasn’t a very nice response. I really don’t want to pursue this conversation any longer. My first impression of this site wasn’t great I have to say. I’ve taken on board several opinions and it’s given me cause for thought but I don’t like some of the unnecessary unkind and disrespectful comments.

LizzieB1

Can I just say Emilie that I am not needy! If you read my post I was concerned about my husband’s health atm and as we’ve always met up for birthdays I would rather she hadn’t missed this one. It’s not unreasonable particularly with the history in my family. Please do not make assumptions when you don’t know me. It’s just very unkind.

Did you tell her how important it was? Or did you let it go by and then get upset?

I’m a big fan of encouraging people to use their words. At least when you are clear there is no room for misunderstanding. You might not get the answer you want, but you will have been clear.

Can I just say Emilie that I am not needy! If you read my post I was concerned about my husband’s health atm and as we’ve always met up for birthdays I would rather she hadn’t missed this one. It’s not unreasonable particularly with the history in my family. Please do not make assumptions when you don’t know me. It’s just very unkind.

Lizzie

You have too much on your plate - is there any way that something can be delegated so you can take a breather and see things from a different point of view?

I would never put my dog in kennels! He’s 12 now and he’s come through a very difficult operation so I wouldn’t even leave him with a house sitter now. I think we are very different people so with respect I’m sure you wouldn’t understand my reticence.

Thank you for all your suggestions. Time to move on now

When I look back at my parents my mum always wanted to see us but my dad was welcoming when we presented ourselves and got on with his own life when we had ours. With my own daughter I let her come to me with her family as I felt under endless pressure trying to please my mum. We need to do what is best for us as our children have their own lives but, if things are getting too much, perhaps it is time to have a family chat with both families and stand up for yourself. None of us are getting any younger and I am focussing more and more on myself as I get older just to get through the day. No one else will do it for us in today's very pressurised world. Hope you find a solution.

Thank you for those kind words. I bared my soul which I regret now but I was feeling under a lot of pressure as my husband hasn’t been at all well. As my daughters don’t see much of him I don’t think they realise. What with the dog as well I feel exhausted and overwhelmed at times.

Thank you for your encouragement

I loved your response. Thank you. I think some people missed the point I was making.

Moving close to your children sounds like a great idea, GO FOR IT!

LixzieB1, the thing you have to understand is that GN is not always a place where you will find sympathy or support. I don't know how old you are, but I suspect the last two years of Covid have been hard on you and your husband. Nobody seems to have considered the fact that your husband could be starting with some serious dementia. Often very loving, kind people become very difficult when their faculties start to go. It sounds to me like you needed some kind words and maybe some support and good advice. I'm sorry that some people were so hard on you. By this point in your life, your personality is your personality and your husband's is your is your husband's. Of course, as I said, that could be changing due to illness. Why not ask your husband if he would like to stay home while you take a short trip to see your daughters? He can watch the dog, and you can see your grandchildren. There's a lot of variables in this situation, and I'm sure that none of us fully understand your particular issues. I hope whatever you decide, it brings you peace and happiness. Perhaps a good going over at the doctor's will do him and you a lot of good. Good luck!

LizzieB1…
A very simple solution until you move - you drive yourself for a 1 or 2 night visit while your husband gets to stay home with the elderly dog. No whining allowed.
Cheers!
USA Gundy

Just do what suits you but all I would say is we moved to a village nearer my DD and family .( we had lived in the area previously it wasn't on purpose we found a great house) But we still only see the DGDs after school on a Monday and a day a week in school holidays .They are busy with afterschool clubs brownies swimming etc both adults work FT so happy with occasional shared time etc ?

If I were you I’d be visiting on my own. I couldn’t stand the constant critiscm.

I know I am a very bad passenger and find if I sit in the back of the car I can avoid making comments.

Lizzie, Please take no notice some of the put downs.. Some are from estranged grown up children who feel all parents are a nuisance. My d estranged me and I think it's becoming more common, but it does not make it right. All my friends have close and caring families like you, I am the odd one out. It is obvious you and your daughters are close, you have friends in the same area as them, your husband does not like driving that distance now, many men and women get like that as they age, it's quite normal as is the running commentary. For you to move closer makes sense, you do not have to live in each other's pockets , you all have your own interests. In your position I would move. I had a good relationship with my parents and expected I would with mine., I would not leave my dog, who is not well and old in a kennel, they are part if the family, but can understand some people don't feel the same. Follow your instincts in this. Take no notice if the ticking offs.

You cannot make people love you or want to spend more time with you. Children grow up and get their own lives, sadly sometimes this does not include us as much as we would like.
You say you cannot stay with your daughter because of the dog, well don't take the dog.
Unless you want to have a serious (and possibly unpleasant) conversation with your daughter about your feelings just learn to accept it.

Could you leave DH at home with the dog for a few days? You could then drive in peace to visit DD and her family. I think you have made a good decision to move closer to DD, especially as DH is not in the best health and it will be easier for the family to visit him and you too. Good luck with the move.

DH was a professional driver and if we went anywhere he always drove. When he became too ill to drive I had to take over and it was a nightmare. Everything I did was criticised. A good example was the time I drove him home after a stay in hospital. He insisted on explaining the whole route to me including what lane I should be in. This was the route I had driven every day while visiting him! DS and his son live with me now and DD lives 10 minutes away with her family. I sometimes don't see her for several weeks but we talk all the time. Although she has a demanding job she was a great help when her father was very ill. I wouldn't have wanted to be living very far away. If you are alone with a sick husband you can become very isolated.

I rarely post but do read the post. I’m sorry to say that some of these posts have been unkind and downright rude. LizzieB1 wasn’t asking for a trashing of her husband’s behaviour rather some understanding discussion between a rather large group of women who between us have probably seen all situations. Above all else be kind.
LizzieB1 I hope you find the best solution for you.

Don't move closer you won't see any more of your family and will lose the friends you have this becoming needier and more isolated What's wrong with public transport or going on your own driving as your husband is the drawback to driving ?