Daughter in law uncomfortable with people holding her baby .

I would completely support the Mum and tell her well she is doing. There are plenty of other ways you can help such as washing and ironing,shopping or cooking a meal. You will be needed to help with the baby later but not now.

Early days at 8 weeks old, and I'm not surprised at your daughter-in-law's level of care and protection, particularly in view of what has gone before. Frankly, I'd just chill out and leave it to them, otherwise all you'll do is alienate them and become the apocryphal "interfering Mother-in-law". Just make it clear that you're always there to offer your support whenever THEY ask for it.

Hard though it is you will survive. Went a year without holding DGC because of covid. Let her hover over you whilst you hold not an issue and she will grow in confidence that all will be well. Not worth making a scene over.

icanhandthemback

I'd be more worried if the new Mum wasn't like this. It is so important for Mum and Baby to bond fully...do some reading about Attachment Disorder and you'll be glad your DIL is like this. It is absolutely rubbish to think that attending to a baby's cried or just sitting with it is going to lead to a neurotic child. On the contrary, you should end up with a child who knows it is loved with a strong bond to the most important people in their life.

Indeed.

The baby parents seem appropriately involved and loving.

GP has seen/ held the baby - surely that's good enough. Who wants to change nappies? I would happily never change another.

My first thought was "Oh, not again!"

Can we please all try to understand that right reason, or none young mothers are over-protective of their babies.

We are made that way, and thank Heaven for it, as otherwise most of us would not have survived our first few months.

This young woman we are discussing here had a hard time getting the length of holding her own baby, so dear MIL: Come out of the huff and let your DIL treat HER baby as she feels best.

I bet that is what you did when your son was his age.

Why wouldn’t she want to hold the baby? A grandmother who wants to cuddle her own grandson ? Who heard of such a thing! It’s such a special thing to hold and bond with a baby. I believe the baby as well as the gran would benefit enormously from it.
I get that it’s their baby and they can do as they please but I don’t think they’re doing themselves or the baby any favours by isolating him.

My DD was reluctant to let me have her son at first, but gladly handed him to me when she was in hospital (having just given birth to him) and she wanted to go to the loo. I thought I was never going to see him again, then when he was 3 weeks old, I was asked if I could babysit, which I happily did. He is 8 now, and we are the best of friends. He has Down syndrome and is delightful

Give it time is my advice.

As a newcomer to gransnet I found so many of these comments harsh and self-righteous. (Would put me off posting!) Maybe it’s a cultural thing, or an age thing. Most grandparents I know in the UK are recruited to (unpaid) childcare as soon as the child opens their eyes! I held my sister’s first when he was a couple of days old. We fell asleep together on the bed (what is it about babies that makes you fall asleep?) and have had a lovely close relationship for 40 years. I have noticed that my nephew’s wife is much more protective of her firstborn and spends practically every waking minute with him. I feel like a total spare part in her presence.
This platform is called gransnet so I would have thought that it’s perfectly ok to post about things that affect you personally and not to get told off about it.

This thread escalated quickly

Give her time Bonnie. I felt a bit the same when I had my first child - who is now 50- didn’t even want my mother picking her up- all that changed when I was over the first massive change to our lives with a new baby- then 2 boys arrived in quick succession and they could thankfully be picked up by anyone??- I’ve now got 6 grandchildren and when the first arrived- I just held back until I was asked to help - no problems for me as I loved dealing with my own babies but preferred the grandchildren when they were a bit older and fun was on the cards!?? also parents were then desperate for a break - be patient- it will change. Xx

Bonbon8888 - It's natural for you as gp to want to hold, cuddle, nurse your new grandchild. It's also natural for a new mum to want to set boundaries and protect her baby even if her thinking is not rational. However, if her thinking is completely irrational then some intervention at some point will be needed. If she is so afraid of baby getting germs that her insistence on not allowing anyone to hold him/her continues for many months, and if she persists with the darkened noiseless room then alarm bells will be ringing. Sure the bond between baby and primary care-giver has to be developed, but research disputes the idea that a baby who is held by different people will become ill and the truth is that babies even at 8 weeks old need exposure on a gradual level to various bacteria in order to build their immunity. We know for example, that children who are exposed to cat/dog dander and who share beds with siblings/parents do not get asthma as much as those who are brought up in pristine environments, and that if babies have nut butters in their diets when being weaned, they don't develop crippling nut allergies later on. My advice Bonbon is to hang in there, ask your mil if there's anything else you can do to help her and as the months wear on, help her prepare for her return to work and the introduction of a child minder to whom she will relinquish all control, by reminding her that it would be a good idea for her to leave baby with a grandparent for an hour to gradually build up her own ability to hand over to a stranger.

Those with strong views about “spoiling” babies, or wondering at new parents’ reluctance to hand over their baby to well-meaning female relatives might like to read and take on board the idea of the Fourth Trimester

www.nct.org.uk/baby-toddler/emotional-and-social-development/what-fourth-trimester

Congratulations on becoming a nanna, it’s so wonderful.
I’m sure as time goes by you will have more cuddles.
And I’m sure you have already thought of this, but is your DIL willing to let you do jobs for her, like washing up etc so she can relax with the baby?

Of course you want cuddles but take your lead from her and your son. Obviously a much waited for child and natural for her to be protective. Maybe even a little post partum anxiety . Respect her wishes. Say 'may I?' 'Would you like me to.' Gentle statements of how much you love seeing them and having little cuddles and thank them for letting you. At this stage I think its more about offering reassurances and practical support. The whole dynamic of having a grandchild from a son to one from a daughter is very different as the relationship with your grandchilds mum is different. Roll with it. Trust me ...It wont be long until they will want you to babysit and do school runs !

The OP asked for our feedback. We gave it! We don’t know if the criticism was expressed but I bet it was sensed!

Yes, her baby, her choice. I remember feeling like this with my first baby. Please don't push her or she won't want to see you. Having a first baby often makes you very anxious, please don't add to her anxiety.

I'd be more worried if the new Mum wasn't like this. It is so important for Mum and Baby to bond fully...do some reading about Attachment Disorder and you'll be glad your DIL is like this. It is absolutely rubbish to think that attending to a baby's cried or just sitting with it is going to lead to a neurotic child. On the contrary, you should end up with a child who knows it is loved with a strong bond to the most important people in their life.

undines

Totally understand your feelings. Fed up with nasty comments on this site when someone expresses something understandable. OF COURSE IT"S ABOUT YOU BONBON. As a Nana you're bound to be emotionally involved, and becoming a grandmother is a big life transition. However, the nervousness of the mother is also understandable. I agree that her baby may not benefit from this behaviour, but who's a perfect parent? Try to be patient, help in other ways, NEVER criticise, and all will work out!

Good advice!

But there were so many criticisms of the parenting - including warnings of a neurotic child

No! She is expressing her thoughts and asking for views!!If she said she had told the parents her views then yes, you might have a point. But expressing views and asking for thoughts is perfectly reasonable and does not deserve assumptions if "entitlement" being made.

One DiL welcomed me with open arms when their first child arrived one kept me at arm’s length. There were some really unpleasant things that happened but I kept quiet and just had a cry in private. I’m glad I did because now I’m allowed as much contact as I could ever wish for with all my grandchildren.
Her ways are not yours but just be respectful and encouraging and it should all come right in the end.
Good luck ?

If your daughter in law is so protective towards her baby I find it very strange that she’s willing to employ a Nanny.

Can understand your feelings and it’s not been my experience with the grandchildren, my DIL and Daughter were happy to have a little brake .. perhaps it’s because of her lose and difficulty getting pregnant etc ..
She may relax given time, and might learn the hard way regarding noise, imo just accept it’s her way, and continue to be supportive …

At 8 weeks old he is brand new! Some mothers don’t mind others holding their babies and changing nappies/feeding etc and some do. That’s just how it is. I was similar when I had my Son, also a baby I never thought I’d have, so that could be part of the reason why. Also, as a new Mum, I wanted to do things myself. At one point my MIL was holding my 2 day old Son who was obviously hungry and rooting and she wouldn’t give him back to me, I was too shy to say anything but it made me so anxious. I would suggest giving them time, ask if they want help with anything, washing/cleaning, even a drink being made. It’s all new and scary and we want to be close to these tiny little babies and soak it all up. I get that it’s your Grandson but it is their Son and what they say goes

Fleurpepper

I agree! It is not abnormal to want to hold a grandchild. Most babies get held by all members of the family. I wonder if there is some underlying pnd.

Totally understand your feelings. Fed up with nasty comments on this site when someone expresses something understandable. OF COURSE IT"S ABOUT YOU BONBON. As a Nana you're bound to be emotionally involved, and becoming a grandmother is a big life transition. However, the nervousness of the mother is also understandable. I agree that her baby may not benefit from this behaviour, but who's a perfect parent? Try to be patient, help in other ways, NEVER criticise, and all will work out!